Oof. I don't think I would do it until I've had an actual conversation with her. I don't think you're an asshole for wanting to do it -- it absolutely makes sense. But whether something happened that she's not telling you, or she's just being a fickle teenager, I think making this change without her input or acknowledgement will further reinforce any negative feelings (reasonable or not) she may have.
Oh I agree... just not sure how to tell her without it coming across as we're kicking her out. LOL
The next time your mom plans a visit, I would ask her permission if your mom could use the room for her visit. Something specific like “My mom is visiting May 31st for 3 days. Do we have your permission for her to use your room for the visit? We’re also having lasagna on that Saturday night. It would be great to see you and have dinner together if that’s a good night for you.”
It’s tough when they don’t answer, but I’d just keep asking in a respectful way that affirms that it is her space. But as an adult who doesn’t use it, it’s okay to share it, too.
Once that happens a few times (for any of your guests), you can start to update the sheets and stuff slowly in another 6 months. Maybe paint the room next year. Include her in changes but make them.
Post by donutsmakemegonuts on Apr 12, 2024 13:00:37 GMT -5
Can you ask her if she is planning on staying at your house anymore? You mentioned that she has basically moved most of her things to her mom's anyway. If she says that she is planning on staying with her mom more, than I would let her know that she and younger SD still have a space there and are welcome anytime but that you will be doing some redecorating to make it more of a generic room. I understand other posters opinions of leaving it her space and making sure she has privacy, but if she's not staying there all that much anymore I think you have the right as the homeowner to change the room so it fits your needs. But obviously have a talk with her first about it. My parents got divorced and when I was in college and I had a "room" at my dad's house, but none of my real stuff was there, maybe my old twin bed? I lived in the dorms and then went to an apt. so that wasn't really my "home" anyway and I guess I figured it's my dad and stepmom's house and they can do anything they want with that room. I knew I was still welcome and I had a home base (my apt./dorm) and it sounds like your SDs do too (their mom's house).
Post by expectantsteelerfan on Apr 12, 2024 13:05:47 GMT -5
I would probably try to compromise a bit. I'd talk to her and say that since she isn't using the room regularly, you'd like to be able to use it for guests when they come if she's ok with it, so you'd like to update the bed and do a thorough cleaning. Talk to her about what you'd like to move to storage or have her pick up if she'd rather, and but I'd leave the rest of the furniture and decor. And I'd ask her if she'd want to have input in picking out new bedding for a bigger bed so it could still be 'hers' if she chose to stay (but if she doesn't care, which is sounds like she might not, then truly don't worry about it).
Yeah I think I would have the conversation like hey we want your sister to be able to use the room and grandma, so we would like to clean it and get a better bed. If she has very little stuff there then it isn't like you went through and took away her room, just put what is left in the closet or something for now and clean the rest.
NTA I agree with others that you need to have a conversation with her, give her a chance to change your mind if she plans to stay over during college, etc.
I grew up with having to give up my bedroom when my grandparents came. My kids do the same (really the 9yo because he has the bigger bed). It just is what it is.
My sister gave up her room and slept on my trundle when our nana, someone we didn't particularly care for but had obligation, came to visit. When I got a different bed, a queen, she just slept with me.
But this isn't her grandparent.
Regardless, I see nothing wrong with saying it's still her room, nothing's changed, she's still always welcome, but occasionally a family guest will use it.
My grandparents also had a large sqft 2br condo. They had a larger 2br house. 2600 is huge. It's possible to live mostly separate lives in that, and she may want such a thing in college.
I'm just curious what all of that square footage is for if there are only 2 bedrooms. Can you convert another room to a bedroom?
I know you didn't ask for advice for SD2 but having a room for her might make her more comfortable staying over and facilitate a closer relationship with her father as she hits the teen years.
I'm just curious what all of that square footage is for if there are only 2 bedrooms. Can you convert another room to a bedroom?
I know you didn't ask for advice for SD2 but having a room for her might make her more comfortable staying over and facilitate a closer relationship with her father as she hits the teen years.
I'm curious too. My house is 1150 sq/ft 2 bed/2 bath. If I had double+ the space I could convert another area into a comfortable sleeping space for guests. As it is, the 3 of us squish into one room and give our guests a bedroom to themselves. Depending on the guest(s) they get the queen in our primary bedroom or the full in DS's room.
I do think it's reasonable to enforce a certain level of cleanliness for an 18 year old. At the very least she can bring her dirty laundry and trash out before she leaves. If she isn't visiting that often it's a health issue to leave damp towels and garage in her room. She is old enough that no one needs to be her maid after she leaves.
I'm just curious what all of that square footage is for if there are only 2 bedrooms. Can you convert another room to a bedroom?
I know you didn't ask for advice for SD2 but having a room for her might make her more comfortable staying over and facilitate a closer relationship with her father as she hits the teen years.
I’m here. You asked a 9 year old that had anxiety for 2 years. A lot can and does change between 9 and 12.5. What happens when teen angst comes in and she wants to get away from her mom but doesn’t have a place at her dad’s? Because that will happen.
I would not be thinking about changing SD1’s room into a guest room, I’d be thinking of changing it over into SD2’s room.
But I’d state clearly that when they leave, if the room isn’t picked up to your standards, you have the right to do it yourself, privacy be damned. That doesn’t mean going through drawers, but making it presentable isn’t out of line.
Just buy a new set of linens for your mom for her stays. She doesn’t need anything bigger than a full.