I need help TW abusive behavior

[livinitup]

In light of the new incident and the issues you uncovered could you have another conversation with the dads? Maybe they have been blasé in the past but now seems like an opportunity.

[redheadk]

If a child pulled a knife on mine and attempted to stab her, I’d call the police, call CPS, and insist that the school do their absolute best to keep my child, the victim, separated from his assailant.

[ellipses84]

I think CPS and the non-emergency police line are the right places to call. You can tell them the scenario and they can give you advice or tell you what the next steps will be if you make a formal report. For CPS, it can be anonymous. For the police they may ask for witnesses to the threats with a weapon and they may want to question the families and write up a report.

[sent]

I'd call CPS, in my state they will do a full blown investigation and anyone can call anonymously. (I was investigated for much, much less, I would have no hesitation in calling based on everything you wrote.)

I'd also call the police to make a report but I'm not so sure the police would do anything that would protect your child from future incidents.

I'm almost certain I have read that kids who injure animals for funsies with zero remorse are exhibiting pre-cursors to potentially more harmful behaviors and sociopath tendencies. I would not let my child hang out with this child anymore outside of school and have a serious discussion about not socializing in school either.

[mrsukyankee]

Apr 16, 2024 23:34:08 GMT -5 sent said:

I'd call CPS, in my state they will do a full blown investigation. (I was investigated for much, much less, I would have no hesitation in calling based on everything you wrote.)

I'd also call the police to make a report but I'm not so sure the police would do anything that would protect your child from future incidents.

I'm almost certain I have read that kids who injure animals for funsies with zero remorse are exhibiting pre-cursors to potentially more harmful behaviors and sociopath tendencies. I would not let my child hang out with this child anymore outside of school and have a serious discussion about not socializing in school either.

This

[chickadee77]

So, to flip the script; I like to think that if it were my kid, I would welcome the intervention. I think some parents are aware their kids are problematic and just don't know/have the resources to help them. A formal report could be the catalyst to wake up the parents.

Also, I'd rather deal with this at age 11 than 18+ as a parent. There generally seems to be more grace shown to minors rather than just running them straight into the legal system.

I realize I'm likely being somewhat naive, but I agree that this is why CPS etc. exists and this warrants a call.

[wanderlustmom]

What a terrible situation! I am so sorry. I agree with others, I would call the non emergency line at the police, call CPS and call the school. I just wanted to add, it doesn't necessarily mean the parents are doing the wrong thing. I know that wasn't explicitly stated in the post but just wanted to add that. There are lot of issues that could be from trauma/adoption/mental health. It's incredibly hard for parents to know what to d
o with a child exhibiting these violent traits but something has to be done. Your child's safety is the priority.

ETA: I needed to read further,  his dads might be letting him have weapons. That is definitely not okay in light of these facts

[CurlyQ284]

Apr 16, 2024 23:34:08 GMT -5 sent said:

I'm almost certain I have read that kids who injure animals for funsies with zero remorse are exhibiting pre-cursors to potentially more harmful behaviors and sociopath tendencies. I would not let my child hang out with this child anymore outside of school and have a serious discussion about not socializing in school either.

Yeah I didn't mention it in my earlier response but....I would write this kid off for good (sorry, I know we're supposed to believe the best of people and they can change and stuff but I'm not messing around with indicators of psychopathy!)

[followyourarrow]

I agree with calling CPS. I was minorly involved with a similar situation, except the child was 7. CPS was able to get intervention for the family and get them support.

[waverly]

I agree call police and CPS.

[rhian]

I'm so sorry you and your son are dealing with this.

I'm really uncomfortable with the idea of calling the police on the child, due to my overall belief that police almost always make situations worse, not better. You might check out this page to see if there are other resources in/near your city that could be helpful: dontcallthepolice.com/

I think I would start with the school. I know you said the counselor is not great, so could you talk with a principal or someone else? While there might not be a social worker at the school, there may be some at the district level that school administration could get involved, and/or some sort of process for addressing situations like this.

If you have any relationship with the parents, I'd also talk to them if you feel comfortable/safe doing so. Even though they haven't done much in the past, maybe the severity of these recent incidents might help them see that their child needs more support.

If those doesn't work, I would definitely start with CPS over the police.

[basilosaurus]

I see no problem with involving school, cps, police. At the very minimum, it gets a record and on their radar. They're distinct entities. School can keep the kids apart (ideally), cps can inspect the home and the weapons, police in case a child in the future is unfortunately harmed.

In what little I know about sociopathy (not clinical but academic), these are classic signs and begin about this age, and it's ridiculously hard to treat. The dads may not care or they may not know resources. All those can possibly help. Fastening a shiv from rebar scares me I think more than shooting squirrels, and that terrifies me.

[threejs]

I couldn't tell from your post if you'd actually spoken to the dads and shared the text messages you have about their son attempting to stab your son and his friends. My first call would be to them to let them know that I am notifying CPS and that their son is no longer permitted to interact with mine. I wouldn't really give them a chance to go into the "boys will be boys" thing. I'd keep it simple and straight forward. A weapon was used in a threatening manner, my child therefore isn't safe, and we have zero tolerance for this kind of behavior. I would make sure the school knows that you don't feel your child is safe around this kid. I'd put that in writing. The details of how the school is handling this child and how the parents are handling him is information you're not going to be privy to. Your focus can only be on the safety of your child and making sure the school is doing what they're supposed to do to keep him safe.

[hermione]

He is harming small animals and now attempted to stab other kids. Doing nothing seems like the worst option. I would reach out to the dads, be very direct about my concerns, tell them that I do not want any contact between the boys, and let them know if their son continues to put my son in danger, I will contact CPS.

[momof2]

I feel like 2 things are being conflated:

1. How to protect your kid and
2. How to get this kid help

While this is a ven diagram with some overlap, they are not the same.

To protect my kid, I would contact multiple people in the school system. I would include the guidance counselor, the school principal and the head of school safety for your county. I would give the screen shots of this kid admitting to trying to stab people and I woild describe everything I knew about this kid’s access to weapons. I would tell them that they need to do everything to keep this child away from your kid — you want a 10 feet apart rule. And I would tell them that your view is that this kid needs to be regularly searched for weapons (they may not do this, but I would “put them on notice”). You need people not just in the school to be aware so they will hopefully intervene. Tell them you would like a meeting with everyone you have included on the note within three school days (and a zoom meeting is fine). You won’t get everything you want, but I would make very clear just how serious this is.

Second, I would go into a police station, sit down with someone and show them the screenshot you have of this kid saying he tried to stab people.

Third, I would call CPS and focus on the fact that there is a violent kid that has access to weapons. And that he has reported harming animals.

I truly believe a three prong approach is entirely appropriate here. And I’m a pretty hands off parent about a lot of things.

[melmel4854]

I am in agreement with those saying to call CPS. It is their job to investigate and determine the next course of action. Please call CPS.

[picksthemusic]

I'm so sorry this is happening. I'm sure you're having many emotions and concerns. Wanting to protect your child from harm, wanting to protect other kids, and wanting to help the child who is doing the harm.

I agree with PPs about calling CPS. I'm a mandated reporter, and this would be my first reaction. If you feel comfortable, maybe see if the other involved parents are willing to do the same so there is more 'evidence' that this child and their family needs intervention and help.

I'm not sure a call to police would be beneficial other than to have the report on file for future in case something else happens, and they would have a pattern and history to monitor if things escalate (which hopefully they won't). He's 11 - there is time and hope that if he gets the right help that he will be able to grow up and be a productive member of society.

Hugs, I'm sure this is hard.

[sofamonkey]

Thanks for all of your input. I really appreciate it.

The principle and VP are aware of all of this. They cannot (and shouldn’t) tell us anything about what is happening. There was some other information that came to light yesterday, and so one of the other mothers is going to bring that up with the principal today.

I think that I’ll also offer to share the screenshots with the principal. I will also be contacting CPS to discuss and document this matter. I’ll share what I know, and offer contacts of the other parents involved that I know. I will also be giving the parents the information from CPS. I will take the lead from them on involving the police or not.

To the posters that said to talk to the dads, no thanks. I get that maybe I should, but the worry of retaliation combined with their potentially lackluster parenting makes me hesitant to open that can of worms.

Maybe I am doing it wrong, but I feel this makes the most sense. Again, I appreciate the help and thoughtful posts and perspectives.

[imchuckbass]

I would also recommend that if the school seems like they aren’t giving you a ton of help, I would escalate to whoever their supervisors are. We had some behavioral issues at DD’s school and multiple parents felt that the clinician and principal weren’t taking things seriously enough. Many parents started reaching out to school committee and superintendent and things moved much more quickly and got handled in a far better manner.

[kath16]

i agree that i wouldn't go to the dads myself at this point. to me, it's well past that point. like, after a first or isolated incident, sure. but at this point? a CPS call is the next step.

[basilosaurus]

The parents who give their child free access to a weapon to use unsupervised definitely seem like a no-go

[4speedy]

I read this earlier but got busy and forgot to reply.  I haven’t read today so maybe you have already done something.  You were wondering where to start.  I would make a phone call to the county to ask the questions.  Describe what they boy has done and they will guide you.  You may work your way through a couple departments before you get to the right place.  You may be advised to go straight to the police and that’s ok.  I think once the police are involved, they are obligated to report to county child services anyway.   I think ultimately the county child services will be the ones to help the child but having the police show up to the family’s front door will serve as a wake-up call that this is not a case of “boys will be boys.”

Also have you only spoken with one of the dads?  Maybe try approaching the other dad.  Also, try speaking with them one at a time.  You may get a different response if you separate them.  When my son had trouble with a kid picking on him in 2nd grade, the mom ALWAYS deferred to the dad, who was a bully himself and always said his kid wasn’t the problem, it was everyone else’s fault.  The mom was completely reasonable and helpful when her husband wasn’t around.

[konapoppy]

Apr 17, 2024 12:15:38 GMT -5 sofamonkey said:

Thanks for all of your input. I really appreciate it.

You are handling this so well.

A poster above mentioned contacting the person responsible for safety for your district or school. I think this is a really good idea as well, in case information isn’t flowing to them the way it should.

[imchuckbass]

Apr 18, 2024 7:08:01 GMT -5 konapoppy said:

Apr 17, 2024 12:15:38 GMT -5 sofamonkey said:

Thanks for all of your input. I really appreciate it.

You are handling this so well.

A poster above mentioned contacting the person responsible for safety for your district or school. I think this is a really good idea as well, in case information isn’t flowing to them the way it should.

I thought of this after. We have school resource officers in our area. They are police officers who are specifically responsible for a school or multiple schools. Might be worth seeing if your local PD has a school resource officer or unit. They are often very helpful.

[midwestmama]

Agree with others on calling CPS, and asking them if there are other steps you should take, such as filing a police report. It is sad and scary that the parents don't think there is a problem.

sofamonkey, I'm sorry you and your son are going through this, and I'm glad your son wasn't physically harmed.

[sonrisa]

One thing I don’t see in here: get your own kid help as well.

(1) these are traumatic incidents for him

(2) he has been living with this reality for a while and kids get socialized by their peers at least as much as the adults in their life. This boy has been part of that dynamic for these boys. They need a chance to recalibrate their expectations of normal kid behavior and catch any unhealthy behaviors that they may have built to cope and adapt.

Good luck to you and your child.