Slight spin-off-ish - moms of seniors

[pinkly]

My senior just got her room assignment for college in the fall. A little back story - we started looking at this school ages ago. I’d heard about it some way or other then later found out that a couple of acquaintances went there. We visited early on and she loved it. Lo and behold, a year and a half later, a whole slew of kids from her school are going.

And now of all things, she’s going to share a wall with a girl who was kind of nasty to her all year. There’s a whole story there, but it’s not important. I could use some tips on how to keep her from going in dreading freshman year bc of this.

And it’s not as easy as just requesting a room change because she’s rooming with her BFF.

I don’t understand how this happens. It’s not a super small school, more mid-sized.

I’d insisted to her she’s hardly ever see this girl. Lol

[VillainV]

What does “sharing a wall” mean? This other girl will be in the room next door?

I’d remind her that sometimes people grow and change and that this girl might be fine in a different setting like college, but that if she doesn’t, your DD still has the ability to pick and choose who she spends her time with and she should focus on how fun it will be to room with her BFF. And that if this girl continues to be nasty to her despite everything else, that’s what RAs are for.

[expectantsteelerfan]

I'm sorry, that's tough. Although I would honestly be more worried about her sharing a room with her bff than this girl being in a nearby room. College is so much about growing and finding yourself, and friends that were close in HS can find themselves at not as close or wanting to try different things, and I would worry that the 'safety net' of a built in friend would both be a temptation to hold themselves back and cause extra stress and tension if they end up wanting to do different activities/make different friends, PLUS the added tension of living with someone if they have different schedules/studying styles/cleanliness thresholds, etc.

ANYWAY, I ended up HATING my freshman year roommate. After the first half of the year, we just avoided each other/ignored each other and didn't speak at all. It was easy to spend time so many other places if she was around and we basically just slept in the room together (although I sometimes avoided that too because part of the reason I hated her was because she had sex in the room while I was in it).

But it does suck that she's going to go into the year not knowing how it's going to be until she's actually there, and there's not really much you can do about that other than to keep reinforcing for her to hope for the best and to maybe make a plan for if things are as awful as she fears they might be.

[bex1973]

Sharing a wall? IDK what that means? If they're not in the same room or suite I'd remind her that doors close/lock and she doesn't have to engage. Making changes would likely mean not being able to share with her friend - which really is a whole other issue as mentioned upthread.

[ssmjlm]

Not sure what sharing a wall means, but I would actually recommend not rooming with a friend. This way you can meet new people, but still have someone you know on campus. It will help expand their network and make new friends.

[fivechickens]

I assume sharing a wall means their rooms are right next to each other. ETA: possibly the beds are up against the same wall the separates the dorm rooms.

[cjcouple]

I had the same question about sharing a wall. I assume the dorm next door?

I'd definitely reiterate like someone said earlier, her door locks if needed. Also, they'll likely have different class schedules.

[jinkies]

My freshman year I was friendly with the girls on one side of my room. I don't think I spoke to the girls on the other side all year.

I would be disappointed if I were your daughter, but realistically I think it would be very easy to avoid this other girl.

[penelope]

So they are suitemates, not roommates? DS2 was in the dorms this year and he never sees his suitemate. They met on move in day and that was it. If it is set up like most dorms they will share a bathroom and nothing more. And even at that, DS2 has told me that they leave notes for each other, re: who's turn it is to clean the toilet, etc., because they never physically see one another. College is so different from high school and there are so many other places to be (and other people to meet and become friends with) it will be fine.

I would remind her of that, its a whole new community and it will not be like high school. At all. They will have different class schedules and different friends groups. They will be in different student orgs and attend different events. It's just a much bigger world (although it probably feels very small right now, considering they wound up in the same hall, let alone suitemates).

[donutsmakemegonuts]

Apr 24, 2024 7:33:09 GMT -5 ssmjlm said:

Not sure what sharing a wall means, but I would actually recommend not rooming with a friend. This way you can meet new people, but still have someone you know on campus. It will help expand their network and make new friends.

I think this is person specific honestly.  I would have loved to room with a friend my freshman year, but that wasn't an option for me.  I ended up rooming with randoms and we did not have a great experience.

[macmars45]

Apr 24, 2024 7:51:01 GMT -5 donutsmakemegonuts said:

Apr 24, 2024 7:33:09 GMT -5 ssmjlm said:

Not sure what sharing a wall means, but I would actually recommend not rooming with a friend. This way you can meet new people, but still have someone you know on campus. It will help expand their network and make new friends.

I think this is person specific honestly.  I would have loved to room with a friend my freshman year, but that wasn't an option for me.  I ended up rooming with randoms and we did not have a great experience.

I shared with my BFF our junior year (we transferred from community college with our AAs). It was something. Let's just say we make good friends and not good roommates. It ended up fine and we're still good friends and I'm glad we're never going to be roommates again.

[jennistarr1]

Personally just go with it...relationships will shift in this (maybe bigger but definitely different) sea. I went to a school that I was shocked to see so much of my highschool at . For the most part, I saw everyone drift into different circles but still had the friendship to be friendly with one another

[donutsmakemegonuts]

Apr 24, 2024 8:09:45 GMT -5 macmars45 said:

Apr 24, 2024 7:51:01 GMT -5 donutsmakemegonuts said:

I think this is person specific honestly.  I would have loved to room with a friend my freshman year, but that wasn't an option for me.  I ended up rooming with randoms and we did not have a great experience.

I shared with my BFF our junior year (we transferred from community college with our AAs). It was something. Let's just say we make good friends and not good roommates. It ended up fine and we're still good friends and I'm glad we're never going to be roommates again.

Of course you never know what actually living with someone will do to your friendship.  I lived with my best friend from college for years and we ended up having a falling out after all those years together, so I get it.  I was more referencing the follow up post to the OPs post about her DD rooming with her BFF.  It sounds like a done deal and I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to room with a friend, especially freshman year.  Recommending that she doesn't live with her friend didn't seem very helpful here.

[pinkly]

So sorry didn’t mean to disappear. Work is crazy. I haven’t had time to read everything, but I do want to thank everyone for replying and address two things.

By sharing a wall I meant their rooms are next to each other. I should have been more specific. I never imagined they’d be on the same floor of the same door, much less right next to each other. Seems crazy to me.

And yes, I know rooming with her best friend could be concerning. There are lots of reasons both sets of parents are ok with this, but we have absolutely talked to them about the stressors of college in general, and of living with someone regardless how much you like them. It’s funny bc my freshman year living experience was a bizarre mix of everything and each one was horrible - 4 to a room, one freshman from my high school (friendly but not friends), one freshman from a school in a different city, and one sophomore. We pretty much all hated eachother by December.

My daughter has chosen to go through rush, while her friend is not. They are in completely different areas of study as well, so they’ll have plenty of time apart. We are all just hoping for the best!

[waverly]

pinkly , if they aren't in the same room I wouldn't worry about it. I went to maybe 2-3 other people's rooms on the floor the whole time we lived there. One was the RA, one was the girls across the hall that I was sort of kind of friendly with and then a group of guys had us over once I think.

It's pretty easy to just say hi and keep it moving if not in the same room. The only other things she might have to look out for are floor specific events like if they sign up for intramurals or field trips those kinds of things. If you don't sign up it isn't a problem. But yeah, I never had an issue with anyone on our floor because we were never that close to have issues.

I did room with my BFF and it was OK for freshman year. It can definitely change, we decided not to keep rooming together in senior year which probably was a mistake because my other room mate was worse, but we were trying things out.  But then again their place flooded senior year so maybe it was OK.  

[georgeglass]

My daughter is finishing her freshman year at a school of 30k. Her high school's graduating class was less than 90. 4 or 5 girls from her school go to her college each year. One of them is her RA. It's so bizarre how these girls all cross paths. BUT the thing that has blown her away the most is that the girls that she didn't like/didn't like her now are thrilled to see her on campus. They are all somehow friends now? I hope it's the same for your daughter.

[rosiebear]

I think the good news is that college is not high school. A high school kid may have gotten some “cred“ by being a bitch to another kid in school, but that doesn’t really fly in college.

Especially if this other girl comes out swinging and trying to talk shit about somebody who seems perfectly nice to the other kids in the dorm, then that person is going to look like the asshole. This girl has an incentive to seem as nice and cool as possible to all of these people she’s never met before, so my guess is that she’s not going to act same way she did in high school.

[macmars45]

Apr 24, 2024 8:50:36 GMT -5 donutsmakemegonuts said:

Apr 24, 2024 8:09:45 GMT -5 macmars45 said:

I shared with my BFF our junior year (we transferred from community college with our AAs). It was something. Let's just say we make good friends and not good roommates. It ended up fine and we're still good friends and I'm glad we're never going to be roommates again.

Of course you never know what actually living with someone will do to your friendship.  I lived with my best friend from college for years and we ended up having a falling out after all those years together, so I get it.  I was more referencing the follow up post to the OPs post about her DD rooming with her BFF.  It sounds like a done deal and I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to room with a friend, especially freshman year.  Recommending that she doesn't live with her friend didn't seem very helpful here.

I wasn't recommending the OPs DD should/shouldn't room with her BFF. Just giving my experience.

[donutsmakemegonuts]

Apr 24, 2024 18:17:56 GMT -5 macmars45 said:

Apr 24, 2024 8:50:36 GMT -5 donutsmakemegonuts said:

Of course you never know what actually living with someone will do to your friendship.  I lived with my best friend from college for years and we ended up having a falling out after all those years together, so I get it.  I was more referencing the follow up post to the OPs post about her DD rooming with her BFF.  It sounds like a done deal and I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to room with a friend, especially freshman year.  Recommending that she doesn't live with her friend didn't seem very helpful here.

I wasn't recommending the OPs DD should/shouldn't room with her BFF. Just giving my experience.

I know.  I quoted someone else upthread who kinda did.