Marriage Poll

[melissa]

Poll brought to you by a comment my aunt made.  Cousin is getting married today and told her mom that she doesn't think the family likes her.  I don't think she cares for the family either. Her mother (my aunt) told her it doesn't matter because she is marrying her fiancée not his family.  

I don't agree.  

For those who can't see the poll.  The options are, you are marrying just your fiancée or you are marrying into his family too.

[fivechickens]

You’re marrying your spouse but are becoming a part of his/her family.

[mrsukyankee]

I think that no matter what the person's contact is with their family, you are always marrying the family because a past family unit has an impact on how your spouse interacts with the world. BUT, there is a lot more of marrying a family with some spouses. For example, I knew that I was DEFINITELY marrying a family, in the traditional sense, as I was marrying into an Indian family. My H, on the other hand, has to deal with mine (and we all love each other) on a far less demanding basis. BUT as I live overseas and vacations ever two years are focused on that family, he too married into a family. I have friends who do not interact with their families (cut them off) so it's a lot less of marrying into that family - even if that cutting off has an impact on the spouse.

I hope what I'm saying makes sense.

[ssmjlm]

No, you don’t have to marry into a family, but you should know what your stance as a couple is before you’re married.

Navigating DH adding more boundaries with his family through our marriage has been the hardest thing. I wish we would have had a more united front in the beginning. But I’m also not sure he could see what outsiders see about them. That took time.

[mccallister84]

I mean I think it’s true to some extent but I think it is very circumstantial. My H lives a 4 hour plane ride from his family (somewhat on purpose). They are very much not a part of our daily life, both in a physical and mental sense.

Meanwhile, while my family is all a 3-4 hour drive away boy did H marry all of them as well.

[Jalapeñomel]

It depends, just like so many other things.

Do you live right next to their family and they spend a lot of time together?

Do you live across the country and will only see family once or twice a year?

[gummybear]

Whether they are physically part of your life will be circumstantial. But IMO even someone who is estranged from their family carries emotional and mental baggage of how and with whom they were raised, which is reflected in how they manage relationships, parent, react to conflict etc. whether they realize it or not. It’s always there. So I say yes, 100%, you marry the family.

[expectantsteelerfan]

I think it depends on your spouse's relationship with their family and their and your expectations. It could be either. I could see it being really difficult if you were in a relationship with someone who was really close to their family and wanted to stay that way and you didn't get along with them. But I could also see someone who had cut off their relationship with their family for reasons, and you not getting along with them and it not being an issue.

[expectantsteelerfan]

May 3, 2024 6:34:22 GMT -5 gummybear said:

Whether they are physically part of your life will be circumstantial. But IMO even someone who is estranged from their family carries emotional and mental baggage of how and with whom they were raised, which is reflected in how they manage relationships, parent, react to conflict etc. whether they realize it or not. It’s always there. So I say yes, 100%, you marry the family.

This is a good point about the family history and baggage being what you are marrying into even if you don't have any contact with the family.  So yeah, that helps make up my mind on what to click at least lol.  

[sadlebred]

I wish I'd know what a ****Show ex-H's family was before we married. It was awful. He was awful to me around them, and they were awful to me (other than his sweet mom) for 10 years. Eventually I refused to go see them, and it helped my sanity. There is a good chance I would not have married him if I'd known.

[tacokick]

I always thought about the families when I was dating. Some families are very enmeshed in a bad way or even when they get along have a level of togetherness that I am uninterested in. I do not want to go to Memaw’s house every Sunday for dinner or every one of cousin Molly’s softball games.

I found it appealing that my husband’s parents did not live near by, his sister was very independent and they were financially stable/saved for retirement etc. They have a lot of personality quirks and are very self centered but we don’t have to see them if we don’t want to because of distance and they can’t just drop by.

A previous serious boyfriend’s family was nice and welcoming (more so than my ILs) but his brother had a lot of troubles, his parents were not financially stable and were always bailing him out literally and figuratively, they had a lot of family events and I knew I didn’t want to deal with any of that for the rest of my life.

I think if your partner is on the same page as you, the ILs can be less of an issue. My husband is always on my side 100% and would shut down any overstepping his parents did. He always knew how annoying they could be so he didn’t want to spend a ton of time with them either and had lived even further away from them for many years. But a lot of people can’t do that with their family or they enjoy being part of whatever is going on.

My family is small and although my dad has a lot of needs right now, are extremely into boundaries and for most of our 20 years together very low maintenance.

[erbear]

I think this depends on the family situation. Lots of people aren't close with their families and so marrying a person really just means marrying that person. But in other cases, you're definitely marrying into a family if they are part of their regular life.

[W.T.Faulkner]

In our particular situation, we knew we'd be marrying into each other's families, both of which are tight-knit.

I do think it varies by couple, though.

[wildrice]

I said you are marrying the fiance, but I agree that it depends.

Anecdotes but I've been married twice now and neither one of them was close with their family. My XH had a little more involvement with his family so we'd see them a couple of times a year, but they never expected much of us and we didn't have to split holidays or anything. My H's family lives overseas AND he isn't close with them, so we literally have a video call once a year with them on Christmas and email here and there, but that's it. I've met his parents in person twice, and his sister three times. In 10 years!

My H married my family though lol. We don't live near them either so he doesn't have to worry about it day to day, but we typically do travel to see them at least once a year together, spend some holidays together, and have taken vacations together.

If his family didn't like me, I think we would have no issue. But if my family didn't like him, that would mean some tough choices for me. Thankfully he and my family get along great so there are no issues.

[midwestmama]

We physically live closer to DH's mom and that side of DH's family, but we aren't close to them from a relationship standpoint. While I agree that family always comes along with a marriage, there is ability (and necessity) to create boundaries. DH's mom has mental health and financial issues, which I knew going into our marriage. DH has always said that me and our kids come first, and he has treated us as such. (This will sound harsh, but you have to know the specifics of DH's relationship with his mom to fully understand his response to this situation: In 2022, we were out of state for a week-long baseball tournament. DH's grandpa called him 2 days into our trip to tell him that his mom was in a car accident and in the hospital and he needed to come help (although at the time, DH's grandpa didn't know we were 9 hours away). DH called his grandpa back and basically said, really sorry to hear that, I'll call the hospital to talk with her, but if it's not a life/death situation, then we are not coming home. It was not a life/death situation, so we stayed at the tournament.)

ETA:  I would say there are a few specific situations where you "marry a family" - if you marry into a very wealthy/elite family, a crime/mafia family, or a royal family.  

[emilyinchile]

I clicked just your fiancé(e) because to me marriage is a commitment that is above and beyond any other relationship you're creating with your ILs. In many families by marrying your spouse you take on obligations to his or her family as well, and I certainly "married INTO" my H's family in the sense that I totally consider them my family, and we see them all the time, but we both put each other and our needs above the rest of the family.

[followyourarrow]

I say you're marrying the FI, not the family. If the family comes between you, you have an H problem, not a family problem.

ExH's family never liked me and made that very clear. He chose them over me, which was an H problem. When FI and I had our disagreement a couple of weeks ago his mom happened to stop by our house. She sent me a text and asked what was going on. I didn't respond to her and I told FI about it. He called her and told her to mind her business, she's not to get into the middle of things. FI's ex wife used to call his mom and get the mom to take her side. We've established boundaries.

I do think it's critical to talk through all the family stuff, including holiday schedules before getting married. And yes, you do marry any baggage that comes from family stuff. I know I have plenty of baggage from how I grew up and so does FI, though we're both working on it.

[kaneen]

I will marry the baggage my fiance carries as a result of the family he was born into. Most of it is torn and broken and ugly so that's fun.

I won't be marrying that family on a day-to-day basis though we will see them at times.

My fiance will marry both my family baggage and my day-to-day family.

[sent]

I thought it was just the FI, but I should have seen the signs early when the family tried to put me in my place. I pushed back. He sided with them, never stood up for me. My parents told me to tone it down and get along with everyone with the added advice from my mother that I was not shrewd or cunning enough to cut through their drama.

Just writing that out makes me think "WTF was wrong with me?"

[litskispeciality]

I'm team you're marrying the FI and if the family is nice, close etc. it's a bonus. What do you do if you don't get along with the family, don't get married? I know it really depends on the circumstances, but it often seems unfair to give up a good potential life partner if the family issues can be avoided or resolved. Is there any way a compromise can be worked out?

My husband's sister has never, ever liked me. When DH and I were dating we went out on a double date with her husband at the time. DH said to his sister when I was away "I think (my name) is the one", and his sister didn't say anything. I'm glad DH told me, but kind of wish he didn't. Anyway, it took so long for us to get married I had a lot of time to know "what I was getting in too". His family is also very pro have 8 kids very young, and DH and I knew we weren't having kids. Most of them have started to back off a bit, but I knew that would be a divide...although DH wasn't going to have kids with someone else either so... Anyway, DH and I actually had a lot of struggles about his family pre-marriage as they used to be very close. That made me question if I wanted to marry him/in to the family as he made it clear he wasn't giving up his family, and he shouldn't...but it was a hard balance because I deserve a lot more respect than what his sister gives me/us.

Sadly over time as I've posted here his sister has basically cut us out of their life minus one or two birthday parties a year, or when we go to another siblings house. I'm sad for DH, but more sad someone would do that because they don't like their siblings spouse (I think that's the issue, I'm honestly not sure anymore), unless the spouse is a true harm etc. We actually worry about his sister's current husband, but everyone still invites them on a limited basis and just muttles through to see her kids.

I also had a boyfriend who was a true Narcissist and possibly a sociopath. While we were waaaay too young to get married he was very close to his family, like his parents would probably buy him a house next door close. They were very clear they didn't like me, and visits which required a long drive to get to them were painful. I always had worry in the back of my mind if it worked out to marriage that I had to decide if I wanted to do that for the rest of my life.

All this to say it really depends, and should be up to the 2 people getting married how they want to handle the family, but each spouse should put their spouse first and make sure they're respected if family is nasty/awful.

[Leeham Rimes]

Generally speaking, I do think you “marry their family”, but there’s a lot of nuance in that I think. When you marry your spouse, you join everything that comes along with them. I don’t think it’s realistic (depending on the relationship of the spouse and their family) to think that you don’t have to ever interact or deal with in-laws. (Unless perhaps the other spouse is no contact with them or something).

That said, whatever or whenever there are conflicts, it’s up to the spouse and help manage the conflict.

For example, my FIL did not get along—-at all— when we first met and for a lot of years afterwards. Even now, we can really butt heads. My husband was and is always on my side.

We’ve never been the type to “well, it’s family so you need to deal with their poor behavior” enabling BS that seems to resonate with the older generations.

We’ve both drawn lines in the sand with our respective families and we deal with it when or if they cross them. This created a lot of drama for my husband especially, but he always always always supported me. This has always been the way it was in our relationship, much to the consternation of our families.

I do agree with, if there is conflict and one spouse or the other is always on the losing end, that’s a spouse problem not an in-law problem.

[ECB]

I agree that this is definitely an "it depends". Big picture, I married my DH, I married INTO his family. I did NOT marry his family.

But - he's close to his family but not in an enmeshed way. We both have a lot of frustrations with his dad and DH is VERY good about setting boundaries.

I think that plays a huge role with this concept. Whether the spouse sees the issues and does something about it!

[stemmie]

Depends for me.

DH moved away from family and is only superficially close to his younger brother (they text, we visit every 4-5 years) now that MIL and BIL have died. The widow of the dead BIL has resented me for decades because DH dated her younger sister after his 1st marriage ended and wasn't ready to marry. She and the surviving BIL's new (3rd) have become buddies, which is awkward. I remain cordial with her as well as #1 and #2 as they are mother's to his kids.

DH has been much more integrated with my family, especially since dad developed dementia and mom has become frail. Poor guy.

[EvieEthelGarland]

INTO the family. There has been no drama in our family dynamics, but our little family is the priority. Fortunately that has never been tested by the inlaws.
We both come from very similar backgrounds and small families of origins so meshing both families together has been pretty easy. Our parents even share a wedding anniversary. There is never any holiday disagreement--we all just get together at who ever is hosting. When we were engaged my MIL tried a small overstep, but H and FIL shut that down and it was pretty easy since. I know its not the norm and I love that my son had this growing up. I'd love it if we can be friends with his in laws someday.

[rosiebear]

I think you and your fiancé get to decide which way it’s going to be. Get on the same page, though!

[pixy0stix]

You're marrying into the family and whatever participation the FI has with their family. If your FI is close, then that's your family. If your FI is distant, then you have less of a relationship with them.

I think the "you're marrying your FI and putting them above everything" is a fine and lofty goal, but that rarely happens.

[rhian]

It depends on the person and the relationship they have/want to have with their family. I think you're signing up to be involved with your partner's family at the level they want to be involved with them.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Its a bit of both. 

Marriage #1
I married him for him and not his family. He has a wonderful extended family but I didn't really know them until AFTER we got married and Miss R arrived. 11 almost 12y later after we split, we're all still close (they are totally  supportive of my relationship w J!)

Marriage #2 (under heavy discussion)
I'm marrying him for him but he has a wonderful family that's an added bonus!

My family had SERIOUS misgivings about my xh. They let me know their misgivings but never acted on those misgivings towards him. Needless to say, when we split, BOTH sides told me privately how relieved they were to hear that I had left and if I needed anything to just holler. Turns out I had married the black sheep of his family .. oy

[pinkdutchtulips]

May 3, 2024 9:45:53 GMT -5 ECB said:

I agree that this is definitely an "it depends". Big picture, I married my DH, I married INTO his family. I did NOT marry his family.

But - he's close to his family but not in an enmeshed way. We both have a lot of frustrations with his dad and DH is VERY good about setting boundaries.

I think that plays a huge role with this concept. Whether the spouse sees the issues and does something about it!

This ... especially w J's mom. His ability to set and hold boundaries with her amazes me. 

[circa1978]

This is the closest GBCN poll I've seen in a while. I very much feel that my ILs and my parents both consider us "their kids." My mom might choose my H over me in a divorce, LOL, and we joke it is the reverse with my ILs. It has definitely made it easier for us to be together 18 years that when life has thrown us issues, or those issues come up in our families, we deal with it like a unit. It isn't "your family" or "my family." I don't think it has to be that way - as I've said before, I think you make/choose your family, but I've been lucky that I would have chosen my ILs as friends and as my family. They made and raised my H; all the best (and worst) parts of him come from them.