Extended visit by my parents. . . .WWYD?

[NomadicMama]

Pertinent information: I have a good relationship with my parents. They are mindful, for the most part, of boundaries and their roles as grandparents. DH will be deployed for a year.

Now down to business. . . My parents are planning to visit this fall. We are talking about how long they will stay. When we first learned of our move and DH's deployment, my mom threw it out there about staying for three months. In theory, that would be great. Taking care of LO, who will be three years old, without any help is one of my main concerns. Plus, I would have help with the dog (who has to be walked to potty, he's not allowed to pee or poop in our garden). And, well, the company would be nice, too.

But the reality is is that three months is a long time. When I moved to their city the last time DH deployed, I rented my own house for the 15 months that I lived there. I am an adult, a grow woman with my own family. But, these are unusual circumstances. While we get along well, there is still some of the parent/child dynamic at play. My dad is worried that my mom and I will get into it. When I was a teenager, we would quarrel--we are very similar. But, none of the spats were major, nothing epic, by any means.

My mom has always wanted to visit Europe, but my dad has been reluctant to spend that kind of money (he's relatively conservative with their retirement funds). Though, my dad is very excited too. He studied German in high school and college--and seems to remember quite a bit of it--even nearly 50 years later! This would be a neat opportunity to see part of Europe and spend time with their youngest grandchild (and their daughter).

They would come in early October and stay through New Years. The option to go home early may be an option, though, that would mean LO and I would celebrate Christmas without any of our family. That is not a huge concern for me, but I know LO would enjoy having them here.

Having guests for three months is a long time. But, they aren't random guests. We could discuss cleaning and cooking chores. Plus, my parents are both healthy, active and independent folk. They would not sit in my house, waiting for me to cater to and entertain them. We would do day trips and overnights, too (like to Paris!).

Three months is a long time. But a year without DH/Daddy is even longer.

If you were in my situation, WWYD???

[dorothyinAus]

I would take them up on the three month offer, but then I have a very close relationship with my parents and being so far away from them is very hard on all of us.

And you can all re-assess the situation as time goes on. I think as long as boundaries have been established and it is understood that it is YOUR house, not theirs, I think it could work for everyone. If you all need a break from each other, there is no reason why they could not take a trip, even if it were only a long weekend, to another part of Europe, or even to a hotel in the area.

I would definitely invite them for the full three months.

[cailinabroad]

I guess an important question is, how big is your house? Tempers can get short if you're on top of each other all the time. Also, do you live on post or private rental, and are you near a town or something more rural? Take into consideration things to do around the area and how they can get around, with or without you (walking? car? bus?). If you go on post for a lot of things you'd have to think about the logistics of getting them on post as visitors (checking in at the visitor's hut can be a pain if it's every day!). Back when H and I were dating he always had to sign me in and it got annoying having to get a visitor's pass every stinkin time.

I think having them visit is a great idea-it gives your LO the chance to spend time with his grandparents, and it gives you a break to have something familiar, especially when you're in a new place by yourself and haven't had much time to build up a strong support network.

Personally, I think 3 months seems like a lot, but you know your parents best. Maybe 2 is more manageable? It could be a great thing for you and keep your mind off your H being deployed. If things start feeling a little claustrophobic, you could always plan some trips around the area and get some sightseeing in! I mean, hey! You're in Europe!

just make sure they don't over stay their tourist visa!

[NomadicMama]

Thanks ladies!

Cailianabroad, I won't quote your response, but you ask some very valid questions.

We live off post, in a three bedroom townhouse. They would have their own, comfortable bedroom. LO has his own room, as well as a good size playroom in the basement. My/our master bedroom is the third floor. We would each have our own space.

The post where we are is uniquely situated. There is one main location, but the commissary, PX and most housing are separate and most is not gated. They can more easily get on and around as needed.

We live in a small city. Within 1km, one can easily reach the train station, the Rhein River, the walkplatz and several restaurants and grocery stores. While we have one car, I think my dad could get his international driver's license and drive our Jeep.

We are ideally situated, I think. There are things to do within walking, train and driving distance. They are retired, so they are able to stay for a longer period of time.

I want to be realistic. I want them to stay as long as possible. But, living abroad is a complex experience. On one hand, there are so many options and things to try. But, the language barrier and many new things can be intimidating and overwhelming. I think it would be neat to share this with my parents. And, realistically, if my DH were home, he would not be thrilled with the prospect of having my parents (or anyone, really) staying with us for so long. Again, it's a unique opportunity afforded to us by the military.

Thankfully, like dorothyinaus, we do have a good relationship--which is one reason why we are able to talk about this and that we are talking about this. I think being aware of the situation is one part to keeping problems in check.

And we are going to make sure that they are in compliance with visa regulations. They will be here for less than 90 days.

Thanks for sharing your insights!

[elenetxu]

I think three months would be a neat opportunity for both them and LO. I was thinking the other day how nice it would be if my parents would come to visit for longer. They came last year for two weeks and stayed in a different apartment since it's a bit tough for four adults in our itty bitty apartment. It was so nice to have them just down the road. They explored the region while we worked.

[travelingturtle]

They can always leave earlier if they need to. For me, I am so much better at dealing with my folks for an extended amount of time than my ILs. I would suggest scheduling some of their siteseeing to be without you so you get time to yourself. Also, make sure it's clear that you and your son will have time each week that you do things just the two of you. You need to be able to keep the connections on base for when your parents are back in the states and before your H is back.

I have a question for you. My dad was air force and we lived in Germany during High School. At the time (I haven't been since high school) Bitburg had an area that didn't have a gate, like you mentioned where you are. There was a commissary and BX, but there was also a taco place. Now, at the shops you needed an ID, but not at the food places. Now to my question. Are there food places on base in the area that doesn't have a gate? Also, are there any 4th of July celebrations going on that you know about? We're getting a car in the next few months and I'm hoping to make it somewhere fun for the 4th. Sorry to hijack.

[clickerish]

I was SS, but given what you explained, it might work out well if you set down the guidelines ahead of time. Given that they are coming to your house and "your" country, I think there is built-in respect there.

My parents, no way. But your parents sound of the supportive type!

[Cheesecake]

I'm SS as well. I'm thinking 3 months in your situation might work, I would want to build in some alone time. Being in Europe for 3 months will give them the opportunity to do some traveling here, and/or you as well.
How about saying 3 months, but you or they have to be away for at least x days every x weeks. Visit another country/city, have a luxury spa retreat, whatever. This could be them and then you and your LO will be alone for a few days, or you can take the opportunity to go away somewhere nice for a weekend, leaving LO in the capable hands of your parents.

[allibally]

If I had a Husband deployed and I was living in another country... Then I would so have my mom come and stay for the three months if that was something she suggested. I have a great relationship with my mom and the company would be nice.

I like the suggestions of trips. Help them plan a nice trip for a week somewhere. And also look into something you and your LO could do out of town.

[pittpurple]

I didn't read this thread before posting so ignore my vote :-)
I think in your situation (definitely not in mine!) 3 months sounds do-able but I would think about options for them to travel around Europe a bit while they're here so you get a week or so to yourself each month. Maybe they could go to Paris for a long weekend, etc.

My dad was just here (in our 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom flat) for 10 days and I was done by the end of it, but I have a tricker relationship with my parents. Hence my vote for 2-weeks :-)