If you're child-free by choice, come in

[barefootcontessa]

I do not see why you need to give yourself a deadline of age 30.

[livinitup]

I didn't want a baby at 30. Now, I am beyond delighted to have a 4 yo at 40.

Do what you want.

[LoveTrains]

H and I got married when we were 25 (a month away from 26 for me). I admit that for our area and our group of friends, we were on the VERY young side to get married. H always said he never wanted kids, and I was always in the never wanting kids group, too.

Now I will be 32 in about a month, and our friends have just started to have kids. I see their babies and they are cute, but I don't have baby fever. Sometimes I think that I might want one, but I know H is 100% against them. That is OK, because that is what we discussed before we got married. And I think not having children is a wonderful decision for us and our family. I just can't imagine having to raise them, and of course there is no guarantee that your kids don't become total fuckups.

So yeah, it is certainly something that I think about. Especially as I see lots of people around me getting pregnant and having babies, I sometimes second guess our decision to be child-free. But overall I do think its the right choice for us.

[treedimensional]

No struggle here. I knew from a very, very early age that I wanted nothing to do with parenthood. I didn't even really ever want to get married... it was tough for me to come around. I definitely don't need marriage or children to feel fulfilled; in fact, I always viewed children as an impediment to my dreams and goals.
Although I heard many times that I'd change my mind, I've never been close to changing my mind about it. If anything, I wanted them LESS as I became older. I even waited until my fertile years were over (or almost over) to marry. I wanted to be sure HE wouldn't change his mind about wanting children, because if that happened we'd of course have to split and it's more complicated if you're married.
If there IS a motherhood gene, I know I don't have it, because my aversion to the idea is so deeply ingrained. It's difficult for me to wrap my brain around why anyone wants kids, or what that would feel like.

[magdala9]

You may not be ready to make this decision at 30. The two of you need to talk it out.

[aurora]

Sept 28, 2012 17:02:28 GMT -5 @buckybells said:

This is a hard one for me, too. I have similar concerns about regretting a decision to stay child free - I know I don't want kids RIGHT NOW but when I'm in my 40's and it's too late, am I going to realize I made the wrong choice?
...

I have asked myself this often. I figure it is better for me to be disappointed later in life than for me to bring a new life into the world right now that I don't want, and to have him or her suffer for it. And before anybody says "don't worry, you'll love your baby [etc.]" - I know that for me I do not want to be a mother, and even if I could find it in myself to take good care of that baby it's absolutely not the same as truly wanting him or her.

For the record, I am 34 and DH is 33. We were more on the fence at 30, but I am quite certain that I don't want children now, and I have been trending consistently away from wanting them since my mid-20s. Watching my friends have kids has actually made me more confident in my decision. Sure, they love their kids and (most) are very happy to have them, but the qualities that make them good parents are not parts of myself I have any interest in developing.

We have also become friends with several child-free-by-choice couples in their 40s and 50s and seeing that they are genuinely happy with their choices has helped me make peace with our decision.

My only regret with our decision is that I know my mom would make a great grandmother and really wants to be one. But, I know this is not a good reason to have a child.

[heliocentric]

We were hesitant to fully commit to the no-kids decision for a long time, too. Eventually we decided to stop pressuring ourselves and commit for a year or so. So, we'd say, we don't want kids, but we'll revisit again next year or in two year, etc. At each review we realized we were making the same decision to not have kids and started to become at peace with that decision. Now we're 40 and 42 and feel much more confident about it.

We never did have strong feeling one way or the other. Ultimately we decided that if our desire to have kids never escalated beyond "meh" it was probably best not to have them.

Still, I do occasionally wonder what it'd be like to have kids, periodically fall prey to the pressure and start questioning myself and also sometimes hate to tell others about our decision. As I get older it's getting easier. At 40 people can't really question you anymore since that ship has mostly sailed.

[Deleted]

Sept 30, 2012 13:07:16 GMT -5 aurora said:

Sept 28, 2012 17:02:28 GMT -5 @buckybells said:

This is a hard one for me, too. I have similar concerns about regretting a decision to stay child free - I know I don't want kids RIGHT NOW but when I'm in my 40's and it's too late, am I going to realize I made the wrong choice?
...

I have asked myself this often. I figure it is better for me to be disappointed later in life than for me to bring a new life into the world right now that I don't want, and to have him or her suffer for it. And before anybody says "don't worry, you'll love your baby [etc.]" - I know that for me I do not want to be a mother, and even if I could find it in myself to take good care of that baby it's absolutely not the same as truly wanting him or her.

See, this part actually doesn't concern me - I have no doubt that if I had a kid, I'd fall head over heels in love with it and I'd be a great mom. But will I be just as happy throwing that love into my dogs and my nieces/nephews and not being the parent myself? I'm not sure, and I'm leaning toward "yes".

[aurora]

Sept 30, 2012 18:26:59 GMT -5 @buckybells said:

Sept 30, 2012 13:07:16 GMT -5 aurora said:

I have asked myself this often. I figure it is better for me to be disappointed later in life than for me to bring a new life into the world right now that I don't want, and to have him or her suffer for it. And before anybody says "don't worry, you'll love your baby [etc.]" - I know that for me I do not want to be a mother, and even if I could find it in myself to take good care of that baby it's absolutely not the same as truly wanting him or her.

Which makes it really interesting to see the diversity of reasons why people don't want kids! I am just *so* glad that I live in a time when I truly have a choice in the matter.

See, this part actually doesn't concern me - I have no doubt that if I had a kid, I'd fall head over heels in love with it and I'd be a great mom. But will I be just as happy throwing that love into my dogs and my nieces/nephews and not being the parent myself? I'm not sure, and I'm leaning toward "yes".

[hamster]

Not to re-hash a now dead topic, but I wanted to thank everybody for responding. It makes me feel a lot better to know that all of my thoughts are completely normal, and not necessarily indicative of being insecure in my (our) decision.

[Kore]

Oct 3, 2012 11:30:37 GMT -5 hamster said:

Not to re-hash a now dead topic, but I wanted to thank everybody for responding. It makes me feel a lot better to know that all of my thoughts are completely normal, and not necessarily indicative of being insecure in my (our) decision.

Definitely normal! When I first started considering not having kids, I felt like an oddball because I *wasn't* one of those people who just always knew she didn't want kids. Books like "Two is Enough" mostly told the stories of people who just knew. I went from not wanting them in HS/before marriage, to having rabid baby fever for years. I've always loved kids, but our timing was never right. I felt like my life was on hold, waiting for the perfect time that never seemed to be coming.

In some ways, I feel like seeing both sides of the fence (wanting & not wanting) has made me more secure with my decision. My H & I have talked about it a ton, and our reasons for not having kids make a lot of sense for the life that we want together. In a lot of ways, we've completely over-thought the decision, to the point where it's very hard to imagine ever changing my mind. I think that some of the MMers are right when they say try not to over-think it too much if there's a possibility you might want kids.

If you have them, you'll love your children & won't be able to imagine life without. Or if you decide not to, you build a life that makes you really happy & fulfilled. Both are great options Either way, you'll have made the right decision.

[scotty]

Maybe you should just revisit the idea in a year, since you do have time.