H and I agreed that we would make a decision on children when he turned 30. That was a couple weeks ago.
I'm quite confident we are on the same page, which is not to have children. However, I'm really struggling with the idea of actually voicing this out loud and finalizing the decision. I'm confident in my decision not to have kids, it's the commitment that's freaking me out.
FWIW, I do realize we don't have to make this decision now. But we are in agreement that if we do have kids, we want them earlier than later. I also don't feel like if we postponed the decision my mind would change. I've never been very interested in being a parent, and he hasn't either. I love my friends (well-behaved) kids, but the idea of actually raising one is just not appealing to me.
I don't really know what I'm hoping for by posting this. Advice? Reassurance from other people that had this struggle? I trust that somebody will have something to say that will make me confident in having this conversation.
I don't really have any advice, other than my DH and I are in a similar boat. Neither of us has ever been interested in kids. When we got married at 26 (we're 28 now) the deal was that we absolutely did not want kids in the near future and we would rediscuss in 5 years. My main issue with not having kids is that I'm worried life will get boring and lonely when we're older, but that's not an acceptable reason to have them
Even if you don't have your own biological children now, there are always options to adopt/foster children later down the road.
Post by jillboston on Sept 28, 2012 12:30:16 GMT -5
Child-free by choice here. DH and I married at 36 - he never wanted children and made that clear when we started dating when I was 34. I thought about it alot - examined some of the reasons why I thought I might want to and not want to (if he ever did this he did it many years before- he had been married for 8 years and divorced from first wife when we met). I don't think you have to "commit" right yet. I would examine this thoroughly and set up parameters if one of you really had a change of heart. One of the parameters is, of course, that such a change could, possibly mean the end of your marriage. Good luck - it is a tough choice but at 46 1/2 now I am comfortable with it (there were times in the past 10 years I questioned that comfort though).
I never pictured kids in my life, so I doubt we'll have them. That makes me happy. I'd imagine we wouldn't want them until we were like 60, and life doesn't work that way anyway.
The biggest thing for me was realizing its ok not to have kids. I was raised in the deep south where you are married with kids by 25 or a hag. It took seeing people who were happy and successful without kids to realize that it really was a valid life plan.
H was always against them. And when I'm honest with myself, I just expected them to be part of life more than actively wanting kids. And I never wanted to raise them. I use to argue with my exes about how there was no way I'd be a SAHM. Nope. Couldn't do it. Then H came along saying it was ok to not have kids, and I met a few professional women who didn't. And then suddenly, I ended up ok with embracing what I knew deep down.
Not sure if that answered the question, but it's my random thoughts on being CFC. And I'm 38. Not changing now.
The biggest thing for me was realizing its ok not to have kids. I was raised in the deep south where you are married with kids by 25 or a hag. It took seeing people who were happy and successful without kids to realize that it really was a valid life plan.
H was always against them. And when I'm honest with myself, I just expected them to be part of life more than actively wanting kids. And I never wanted to raise them. I use to argue with my exes about how there was no way I'd be a SAHM. Nope. Couldn't do it. Then H came along saying it was ok to not have kids, and I met a few professional women who didn't. And then suddenly, I ended up ok with embracing what I knew deep down.
Not sure if that answered the question, but it's my random thoughts on being CFC. And I'm 38. Not changing now.
It is helpful, thank you.
I suspect my hesitancy has less to do with my desire to ever have kids then it does being "left-behind" if you know what I mean. Granted, only a couple of our friends have kids, but it's more of the societal pressure that's nagging at me. Plus as an only child, I'm really not excited to tell my parents they aren't getting a grandkid.
We married when I was 25, and I was adament about no children. DH was more "eh, maybe." We agreed to re-discuss in 5 years. At that point, DH was strongly in the no kids camp. I was still there too, but probably not as firmly entrenched as I once was, though the environmental impact alone disgust me, not to mention the effects on our lives, so I don't see my position changing. We'll probably have the discussion again in three years when I'm 35 and consider that the final word on the subject (DH will be almost 40 by then). I guess what I'm saying is that you really don't have to make a decision, unless you are thinking about permanent birth control. DH was barely fully cooked at 30, and sixty isn't as old as it used to be. DH and I still plan to be working at that point, and if we had a kid at 35, s/he'd be out of college by then. I don't think young child-bearing is all it's cracked up to be. My parents were older when they had us, and their financial stability and maturity were major advantages for us.
Post by Mrs.Beagle on Sept 28, 2012 12:52:30 GMT -5
It shouldn't be a struggle. If you don't want kids, for any reason, then don't have them.
At the same time, if your decision changes, that's okay too.
Are you concerned about others reactions? The societal expectation that every married couple should want and/or have children? Once you find the source of your discomfort, I think you'll become more secure in your choice.
Not having kids is a good thing. Having kids is a good thing. Doing what is right for your and your husband is the best thing.
It shouldn't be a struggle. If you don't want kids, for any reason, then don't have them.
At the same time, if your decision changes, that's okay too.
Are you concerned about others reactions? The societal expectation that every married couple should want and/or have children? Once you find the source of your discomfort, I think you'll become more secure in your choice.
Not having kids is a good thing. Having kids is a good thing. Doing what is right for your and your husband is the best thing.
I think the societal expectation is part of it, but I also realize I don't really give a crap what anybody else thinks.
I think I'm just worried if my life will be lonely without them in 10-15 years, which is part society, part based on where I expect my friend's lives to be. We do have one couple friend who is currently planning on not having kids, so we won't be the only ones and I'm fully aware we will develop more childless friends. And that we can still see those friends that do have kids.
But I also find a lot of comfort in knowing that we won't have to worry about money, getting up in the middle of the night, how to deal with a teenager, and being able to do what we damn well please.
I'm pretty sure I'll never regret not having kids, it's the "what if" questions. Of course if I did have them, I'd wonder what life would be like without them, so that's kind of a moot point.
Post by Mrs.Beagle on Sept 28, 2012 13:08:30 GMT -5
If you make a decision that is best for you and your husband, given all the information you have (about your life, your goals, your desires), it can NEVER be the wrong one.
It sounds like it's less "mourning the life you could have had" and more "wondering what the other life would be like". I think everyone has the latter, and it's normal, especially with these types of decisions.
Mr. Pom and I married at 33, 34. His job was such that he traveled and was gone often so kids were not a priority and we just flowed with life in that direction. I think if it had happened we would have been OK with it, but it didn't and we are fine with that too. We have discussed adoption and now that we are 41, 42 and the travel has finally been removed from his work equation, we both feel we are okay the way we are now. We have kids in our lives we adore, and we are happy. We still touch base with each other once in a while on the kid subject but nothing has made us change our minds.
Post by ellipses84 on Sept 28, 2012 13:34:12 GMT -5
You can decide to tell the world you're not having kids and you have every right to change your mind whenever you want. The only person you have to make a commitment to is your DH, so if you aren't 100% sure yet, let him know and decide when to re-evaluate. Make the announcement and see how you feel about it. IMO you are too young for permanent prevention, but could consider it next time.
Don't get hung up on the societal milestones like having kids by 30, just do what is right for you.
My situation is a little different. H and I have practically raised his younger siblings since they were 6 & 7 years old.
I've recently come to the conclusion that I don't need to have kids to be happy. I've always pictured having children after I got married. I love being with my nieces, nephews, and friends' kids. But I don't want the responsibility of raising one from day one. It's nice to enjoy them in smaller doses and give them back when they have a poopy diaper, get cranky, etc. So much more fun.
My feelings may change, but currently I'm comfortable with my decision not to have children.
Post by milkrations on Sept 28, 2012 13:51:34 GMT -5
I don't have any advise but am in a somewhat similar situation. H and I are 33 and we are both on the fence about having a child (although I would say I am leaning towards no kid and he is leaning towards a kid). Sometimes I feel that I want to make the decision to not have kids just to put the issue to bed but I am terrified that I would disappoint him. So, we are in the nebulous grey area of maybe or maybe not.
I felt a lot of relief when I started to seriously imagine life without kids. Like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. The baby part of having kids doesn't scare me; it's dealing with the rest of their life. Worrying if they're happy, sane, kind. You don't know what you're going to get, and that unknown freaks me out.
I think that's also important to remember if you worry you'll be bored. There are no guarantees you'll be close with your kids. Tons of people even on here rarely see their parents.
Since deciding we didn't want kids, I've shifted my focus to finding other activities that fulfil me. I volunteer with an animal rescue. I spend a lot of time with friends. I'm the cool (lol), fun aunt to my nieces & nephews. I'm truly excited by the fact that we can do *anything* without having to worry about a child.
I'm not at all saying that having a child guarantees misery; just that you can still have a fun, fulfilling life without them, too.
And like the others have said, don't feel like it's set in stone. It's okay to live your life in the present as a couple that plans to remain child free. It's also ok to change your mind. You don't have to be fence sitters just in case you might change your mind. Good luck!
I am about 99% sure I don't want kids, H is about 80% sure he doesn't. However we are still farely young (I'm 27, he is 29) so we are holding off on any permenant birth control because changing our minds is always a possibility.
We spent last weekend with my 3 year old nephew, the more time we spend with children the more sure we become. I love my nephew to death but just having him for the weekend exhausted me. I can't imagine doing it 24/7.
Post by 80sjunkie on Sept 28, 2012 14:07:58 GMT -5
I understand your concerns. We do think we ultimately want children but I can definitely see why people would want to remain childless. You mentioned being concerned about loneliness in old age. I wouldn't worry about that if I were you. There's plenty of research suggesting that raising children does not magically mean you will be less lonely in old age. Here is a quick copy and paste summary:
"It is also untrue that single people with no children are especially likely to be depressed in later life. Bures, Koropeckyj-Cox, and Loreee (2009) analyzed the responses of more than 17,000 Americans, 51 and older, from the Health and Retirement Study. They compared depression among different marital and parental statuses, distinguishing, for example, between biological and social parenting, and between people with and without living children. Across all of the marital status groups, depression was lowest among those who had no biological or social children. In her analyses of data on loneliness and depression from the National Survey of Families and Households (again for people in middle and old age), Koropeckyj-Cox (1998) found that men and women with no children who had always been single were no different in their well-being than their married peers.
There are, of course, singles with no children who are lonely, depressed, and alone, just as there are married people and parents who fit that description. Their experiences are consequential and deserving of attention. My point here is that statistically, those singles with no children who feel depressed and lonely are the exceptions rather than the norm."
Post by crashgizmo on Sept 28, 2012 14:15:49 GMT -5
I'm mainly a lurker but will chime in. DH is 40, I'm 32. We have talked about the kid/no kid for 3 years since we met, and neither of us was all that interested in it. However, I kept thinking I should be, or I'd change my mind. Finally last summer I was talking with my mom and realizing that I have never had that "instinct" or desire or whatever you call it. It was always a thought purely out of obligation. DH felt the same way, and he also feels that he doesn't want to be a father at 42, 44, 46 (whatever). Not saying this is right or wrong, but for US it doesn't make sense for what we want out of our lives (early retirement, travel, etc) Once we made a "final" decision I felt the same sense of relief PP mentioned. Like finally the decision was lifted off my shoulders and I could imagine my life with DH exactly how we wanted. So I would say we are 99% CFC. We live in a place where that is not common. A woman over 25 with no kids is a rarity, and DH being 40 and not a parent is non-existent. We are the only one of our friends that do not have kids. This is frustrating a lot, and we are actually thinking about moving (not just for this reason, but it's a big part) to a larger city with a different mix of people. We hear all the time "you'll change your mind" or "it's the best thing that ever happened to me, I don't want you to miss it." I completely respect those opinions but they are not true for me.
I totally understand the outside influence and being afraid of the finality of it all. I think remembering that the decision is not completely final might help with steering it in a direction that you both want....
Post by zombiemuse on Sept 28, 2012 14:23:07 GMT -5
This post is making me feel better about not wanting children. I've never been able to imagine my life with children. I like children, I respect children, I respect those who have children but I don't want a life that involves children. I freak out about this regularly because I'm single and many men do want children. Or occasionally have a child of their own.
There are options if you decide to change your mind in the future. I've thought about adoption/foster once I reach my 40-50s if things get "boring." I'd love to work with older kids in foster care. But that's many moons away.
I'm happy to talk about it anytime! I don't want to come across like I'm trying to "recruit" people to the CF side, so I try not to post about it a ton. But I'm always happy to listen
Like Kore, I felt relieved after DH and I realized that we probably didn't want to have kids. We're still young (31 & 29), so we decided that we'll re assess where we are every year or so.
My DH seems to be a rare breed though, he says he doesn't feel the desire to have a kid, but he's down for whatever I decide, no questions asked.
Thanks for this post, I really enjoyed reading other poster's responses.
I too am in the childfree camp. I just fear that I will suddenly be hit by baby rabies or suddenly develop maternal instinct. Although I know that this is unlikely, because the more time I spend around children (as much as I love my friends and family's offspring), the happier I am that I don't have any :-)
I don't really know what I'm hoping for by posting this. Advice? Reassurance from other people that had this struggle? I trust that somebody will have something to say that will make me confident in having this conversation.
Just wanted to reply and say - I am also child-free and have never wanted kids. My H is the same way...everyone told us we'd "change our minds" when we turned 30, so after we both turned 30, we had a discussion about it...and agreed nope, still no kids!
I find that I nearly always get funny looks / comments / unsolicited advice when I share that we don't have kids and aren't planning on having them. I have a male co-worker who literally will lobby me to have kids - which I find to be really amusing (because he's a great guy - if I hated him, I'm sure it would be annoying).
It's actually nice to hear from others in my situation - I haven't read the replies yet but I always feel like a little bit of an odd duck on this one so...just wanted to say hi and I guess congrats on your decision :drink:
The biggest thing for me was realizing its ok not to have kids. I was raised in the deep south where you are married with kids by 25 or a hag. It took seeing people who were happy and successful without kids to realize that it really was a valid life plan.
H was always against them. And when I'm honest with myself, I just expected them to be part of life more than actively wanting kids. And I never wanted to raise them. I use to argue with my exes about how there was no way I'd be a SAHM. Nope. Couldn't do it. Then H came along saying it was ok to not have kids, and I met a few professional women who didn't. And then suddenly, I ended up ok with embracing what I knew deep down.
Not sure if that answered the question, but it's my random thoughts on being CFC. And I'm 38. Not changing now.
It is helpful, thank you.
I suspect my hesitancy has less to do with my desire to ever have kids then it does being "left-behind" if you know what I mean. Granted, only a couple of our friends have kids, but it's more of the societal pressure that's nagging at me. Plus as an only child, I'm really not excited to tell my parents they aren't getting a grandkid.
MH and I were in a similar boat as RubyTue except that I was the one that told MH it was okay to not have kids. We grew up in the south and the "expectation" was that you graduated from high school, went to college, got married, and had kids. I never wanted kids, and when MH and I started getting serious I told him that if he wanted kids our relationship wasn't going to work out. He thought about it and realized that he felt "expected" to have kids because that's what everyone does. We are still young (29 and 30) but are very secure in our decision.
My parents were okay with it, but H's parents (mom especially) gave us a really hard time about it for a while. H finally told her that it was OUR life and OUR decision and we were not her grand-baby making machines. Well...that's how I said it in my head, he worded it a bit kinder. She's finally backed off.
As to the bolded...I thought it read "left-handed" and I was sooooo confused about what that had to do with having children. I was thinking: does she feel it's her obligation to try to pass down her left-handedness? And then I couldn't remember if hand dominance is even genetically determined. Reading fail.
This is a hard one for me, too. I have similar concerns about regretting a decision to stay child free - I know I don't want kids RIGHT NOW but when I'm in my 40's and it's too late, am I going to realize I made the wrong choice?
DH and I both turned 30 this summer so we're in a similar boat about making a decision, too. If we only have 1 kid I think we can still wait a few (several?) years but if we want 2 we really should get started in the next couple of years. I am scared to have a child in my late 30's because of the risks involved, although I know many people have healthy babies that late I just don't want to risk it.
Honestly I've never been a baby or kid person. I played with stuffed animals as a kid rather than baby dolls. I don't know what to do with friends' children. I think they're cute and I can appreciate that their parents love them, but I just don't have that emotional attachment to kids. Even hanging out with a couple of babies recently (2 friends had babies) hasn't brought on any baby rabies. I'm perfectly happy to hang out and then go home to a childless home.
Maybe the rabies will hit someday, maybe they won't. I know we're not ready marriage-wise or financially, so it is kind of moot point right now. Maybe if we had plenty of money and were in a place in our marriage where we thought we could handle that kind of stress/change, it would be another story. Maybe it wouldn't.
I do want to move closer to family so I can at least be involved in my (future) nieces/nephews' lives. Both my sisters intend to have children and I want to have them in my life as I "grow old". I don't intend to need anyone to take care of me when I'm old (that's what savings and insurance are for) but I do want my life to always be more than just DH and I. I do worry sometimes when we spend a weekend relaxing at home and doing nothing important that we're "wasting" our lives and could be doing something bigger/more meaningful with our time. I suspect that forming better friendships with people and becoming more involved in extended family life and the community would fill that need, though. I just need to get off my lazy ass and do something about that part
Post by thegooser on Sept 28, 2012 18:40:56 GMT -5
From the other side of the spectrum, I dream about babies most nights. DH told me that he recently started dreaming about babies a lot. We talk about stopping birth control, and it's all I can do to force that pill into my mouth until we're financially ready. We go out of our way to spend time with our nephew. We already do child-friendly activities most weekends. We have baby names picked out. We'd be thrilled with an accident. DH talks about what he plans to teach the kids, and we enjoy discussing and solidifying our parenting philosophy, from toddlerhood to what types of college (or no college) they should attend. In short, we are chomping at the bit to have a kid.
I tell you this so that you can see what the other side looks like. That's what wanting kids is like. I'm sure other people have less extreme reactions, but trust your gut that when you think about raising kids and it feels unappealing, that means you don't want them. And that's totally ok!
Post by theintended on Sept 28, 2012 19:05:23 GMT -5
I really relate, right down to the "we wanted to decide by the time H turned 30." We assumed we wouldn't have kids when we got married, but a couple years later, when that age was approaching, there were a lot of nagging questions. In the end, because the decision felt so daunting, we started half-assing birth control and were fine with whatever happened. Well, piss-poor birth control often ends in pregnancy. lol
Retrospectively, I think the age 30 deadline we put on ourselves was too much pressure, and I sometimes wonder what might have happened if we didn't give ourselves a deadline. My kid is awesome, and I'm thrilled I have her, so in that sense, no regrets. But I think I put myself through a lot of unnecessary angst at the time. And hey, another 2 or 3 years of a child-free life (which coincided with more income in our house) might have been fun, too.
I think you'll make the right decision for yourself, but, if you're unsure, I recommend having another conversation with your husband about the age 30 deadline. Maybe agree to table it for another period of time and see what develops?