Starting over with a new counselor?

[Deleted]

So, 2 years ago I went to a counselor when DH and I were having some marital issues. I think it was nice to talk to someone, but I didn't find it all that helpful. He was a nice guy but mostly just offered encouragement and confirmed that I was smart (lol). I didn't feel like I was getting a ton out of it, and I found it hard to leave work in the middle of a normal day, go talk about my feelings for an hour, and then go back to work - I usually ended up showing up feeling "fine" and not feeling like I had a lot to talk about. There are definitely times when a counselor would be helpful to me but the middle of a random workday is usually a pretty emotionally stable time for me.

Lately I wonder if I should see someone again. I've been in kind of a funk for months and I don't feel like I get the enjoyment out of doing things with other people that I should. Oddly, I'm happiest when I'm at work but it might just be because I'm too busy to be in my head too much. Even being with my family for my sister's wedding 2 weeks ago, I felt oddly disconnected and like it was more of a chore to be there all weekend than it should have been. Which is odd because I love my family and wanted to be there.

Finally, things in my marriage are as always really up and down. A couple of months ago they were really down, then we had several great weeks, now we're fighting again. It seems like an endless cycle where we can never really get on the same page and we're not playing for the same team. I feel like I'm personally stuck in this cycle of wanting to be with him and wanting to be done with him, and I never can make up my mind for 100% sure. I also find it easy to blame him for all our issues but I have to think that I contribute as well in some ways.

There is not a single person in my life who I'm not pretending with in some way - no one who truly knows all my feelings and is able to or willing to understand them. It kind of sucks.

So my question - have you ever started over with a new counselor? If so, did you get records from your old one or just start totally fresh? Did you find it helpful to switch? I could go back to the same guy, but I want someone who will challenge me and not let me get away with saying I'm "fine" when I'm really not.

[phoenixrising]

I don't know that transferring files would be necessary. It's a different concern bringing you there this time. I was lucky to find my therapist on my first try, but it's common to have to try several. I call what you describe "living on autopilot," and I find myself doing this often. It's one of the many things I am working on in therapy. All the best to you!

[Deleted]

Transferring files is never a bad idea. You can always give the new therapist some background information and thus save time with the new therapist. You can also give the old therapist permission to speak with the new therapist so that you don't actually have to do the file transfer but the old therapist can share his impressions and memories of your therapy sessions with the new therapist. You might not see a connection between the old therapy sessions you used to have and the kind of therapy are looking to have now but a good therapist might see that there are things in common and sharing that information might give them insight that they wouldn't otherwise have.

Regardless it sounds to me that you're looking for someone who is behaviorally trained. Someone who will give you homework and assignments and will challenge you on your beliefs and not just accept it when you say that you're okay. Look for that when you're calling around and seeing who you can find to make an appointment with. Maybe you can even ask your old therapist if he can refer you to someone else. He probably won't take it personally, so don't be scared to ask. Sometimes therapists and clients don't click, so it's completely normal to do a referral out like that.

Good luck. I hope it works out well this time.

[magdala9]

Sometimes a good counsellor can be the wrong counsellor for you. I told three separate ones that: "I am sorry but this is not a good fit." Transferring files is a good idea. Most places in my area will make copies of the files for you but charge a fee. My health care provider had an online site listing their in plan counsellors. I used that to help me find my next counsellor. I also worked to schedule my appointments at the day's end so I would not have to go back to work afterwards.

[Deleted]

I don't know that you would need to transfer files. It seems like counselors like to start fresh and form their own view. May I recommend the book Too Good to Leave, to Bad to Stay. Someone here recommended it for someone else on the board and it really helped me see things and make an informed decision.