If you have been through a divorce, come in

[ae123ae]

How did you know it was time to call it quits? Please share your stories, words of wisdom, encouragement, whatever.

Sincerely,
95% sure it's time to leave him but can't bring myself to pull the trigger

[iamali]

I was tired of him and his nonsense. I had evaulated all sides of the situation and decided that it wasn't worth staying (even with kids) in a situation where we were both absolutely miserable ALL the time. I asked him to go to counrseling dozens of times (he always said no until I actually filed for divorce, but I was way too far gone at that point).

GL and I'm sorry you're dealing with this. This book has been rec'ed to me before (I haven't read it, but have heard it's really good):

www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step/dp/0452275350

[Deleted]

Oct 3, 2012 9:37:02 GMT -5 iamali said:

www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step/dp/0452275350

I second this book. It really helped me understand it more clearly.

[goldengirl]

I was miserable and realized he would never be the person I needed him to be to be happy with. I realized I couldn't change him, only the situation. I realized I needed to be the one to make the change, cause he never would. I finally checked out emotionally, then physically.

Moving out was the hardest thing I have ever, ever done, but once I did I was blissfully happy! I felt so strong, and so responsible for my happiness. I actually met my now husband the SAME WEEK I moved out. We became friends and then a few months later started dating. I wasn't even divorced yet, whoops.

Knowing it's time can take some time. I had to make small adjustments and realizations that all added up to getting TFO. It's fucking hard, but if you're 95% sure, you're probably really 100% sure and just need a push.

Also, I left with the openness on both of our parts that "we'll just see how it goes, worst case scenario the condo I buy will become an investment property if we salvage this" but we both pretty much knew it would be permanent. At least I did, but it was easier to leave having the door still open in theory.

[formerlyknownasefl]

When I dreaded coming home every single day, I was miserable all the time, and I was taking it all out on my 3 year old.

Really deciding to leave and doing it is the hardest part. I left 5 months ago and we are still in the process of getting the divorce finalized. I'm not going to lie the first few months are sooooo hard but today I feel so much happier and stronger and I'm so glad I had the courage to leave! Good luck and pm me if u want to talk. I remember being in your shoes and feeling how u feel and it makes me cringe!!!

[ae123ae]

Just bought the book on Amazon. Haven't made a matrix. Just can't remember the last time I was truly happy or felt loved. There have been a few times where tears have started streaming down my face when I'm with him because I'm so miserable. It is really, really sad.

Maybe it's just a phase? But I don't want to live my life going through these types of phases.

Thanks for the responses I've already gotten and the ones that haven't been written yet.

[drtouble]

I knew it was time for me when I started to dread going home after work and tried to find things that I had to do that kept me out of the house as much as possible. I was miserable and my health and kids were starting to suffer. I'm now happy. I only wish that I had did it much earlier than I did.

[Deleted]

I was where you are (95% sure but couldn't pull the trigger) for about a year. Then I caught him meeting women online and I felt that it gave me the out that I was wanting. I should have left earlier, but was too chicken.

I have no good advice, but think it would be a good idea to talk to a counselor. Therapy can help you make a decision and feel better about taking action to end the marriage.

[Deleted]

Oct 3, 2012 9:22:02 GMT -5 Les Paul said:

I knew it was time when I saw his car in the driveway and thought to myself "Dammit, he's home." Shortly after that he told me he didn't want to be there anymore and refused to seek counseling. Three weeks later he filed for divorce, and the whore he was screwing (his chiropractor) had him join Promise Keepers. Yeah.

Oh wow. Isn't that a tad ironic? You are much better off.

[wannabe]

I'd already made an attempt to leave once, but decided to give it another try. it lasted for two years until one night in the car while we were bickering over something stupid, he said "we're gonna end up divorced anyway, aren't we?"

that was the turning point for me. he was totally right, and I decided it was time to quit wasting time and just go. best thing I ever did, aside from having my girls.

[aliciar6]

after a work trip i came home he barely acknowledged me, didn't help with all the luggage and then spit out the dinner he was eating right in front of me when i told him it had eggplant in it. note he'd eated it before with no problem...i had known for a long time i wanted to leave but that and talking to one of my best friends that same weekend, really did it and gave me the nerve to pull the trigger.

i'd been hesitant because of financial reasons mainly but i realized i'd rather be broke that miserable

i'd also checked out long long ago...but seeing a friend and his wife on my work trip and how they acted together...was really another eye opening experience that showed me that there really is better out there.

i spent as much time as i could away, or hiding upstairs reading, out with friends...he made every trip we took together miserable...it all added up. but the decided factor was when i came back from that work trip.

[hopenotlost]

Honestly, when he had so little respect for me that he cheated on me and laughed about it later on. I also found later that he passed on HPV to me (which I have been clear of for almost 6 years now!). I refuse to put up with disrespect in a marriage, and thankfully I got out when I did. I haven't spoken to him for a long time (6 years), but I have heard that he has spiraled downwards and my life would be hell if I had stayed.

[obladi]

As others have said, when I tried to avoid being home when he was home so I did not feel pressured to have sex. When I no longer enjoyed doing anything with him. Finally, when I realized I did not care that he was probably cheating on me.

[formerlyak]

I knew it was wrong when I realized that as we got older, we had very different life goals. And mine weren't going to change -- they were the same goals I had when we met at 23. His changed and I didn't think I could live with them. But I made a commitment so I stuck it out. Until he had an affair. And didn't come home. And told me I was crazy for accusing him of having an affair even though all the evidence was there. And became verbally abusive to the point that my then three year old told him to stop yelling at me. Then we filed and I told him he needed to move out. He didn't understand why I didn't want to be roommates for a while???

If you are 95% certain, what is the 5% that is keeping you?

[80sjunkie]

Mine was very much like godawgs, I was miserable and we both knew it but the stigma of divorce, feeling like a failure, still caring about him as a person, etc. made it too difficult to file. It was like this for years, and then I found pictures on his phone. Apparently that was the push I needed. In hindsight I wish being unhappy and knowing things wouldn't change would have been enough for me. I would have been happier and I would have made a few different life decisions.

Know that while it might be difficult for a little while it will get better. I'm now happily married and sometimes I cannot believe how fantastic my husband is. My life did a 180, but it took a few years to get to that point. GL!

[explorer2001]

So many things really. The whole marriage was hell and abuse. He cheated, he lied about everything, wasn't working, failed out of school, wasn't helping around the house, would leave shards of metal and glass hidden in the carpet so I would cut my feet, would stay up watching fed up porn and come in demanding sex at 2am. The last straw was when he came back from our trial separation, which was recommended by our marriage counsellor, to "take care of me" after I had surgery. He tried to rip the surgical drain out of my side and reopen the incision. I knew no cost (financial, emotional, religious, social, etc.) was worth dying for.

[dochas]

I hated Fridays because it meant I had to spend a weekend with him. Nights were bearable because I would just go to the gym for 2 or 3 hours. But there was no avoiding him on the weekend. And then I realized I was trying to force myself to be around and LOVE someone who I didn't even like anymore.

[obladi]

Oct 3, 2012 11:48:15 GMT -5 dochas said:

I hated Fridays because it meant I had to spend a weekend with him. Nights were bearable because I would just go to the gym for 2 or 3 hours. But there was no avoiding him on the weekend. And then I realized I was trying to force myself to be around and LOVE someone who I didn't even like anymore.

I avoided him also through exercise. I would run 10-15 miles a day most days just to get time away from him.