Work promotion & ex-fling

[aework]

I'm a somewhat regular poster here but created an ae for this situation.

I've been in the same position for 4 years, and haven't had the chance to get promoted because there are never openings in our group (low turnover). My boss loves me and wants to see my career progress, but admits there isn't much she can do if I want to stay in this group.

Well she told me on Monday she found me a higher position in another group. The manager of that group has worked with me in the past, and was impressed. I met with her yesterday for a while about the position, and it sounds ideal. She says she would want me to start in 3 weeks if I accepted it. It would come with an 18% base salary raise, and a 22% raise in bonus potential.

Sounds great, right? But there is one issue. I have a past history with one of the guys in the group I'd be moving to To put it in simple terms, he and I were f#@! buddies for a few months. He was the last person I was with before DH (I was actually still seeing him when I started dating DH, but ended it when I realized I really liked DH).

There are only 5 people in the group, so I'd be working along the former fling pretty closely. I see him around our work building once a month or so, and we make friendly small talk. But we haven't had a real conversation in a while (I believe he is still single). I have no idea if he knows I might be moving into his group.

Would this former relationship give you any pause about accepting this position? I'm confident I can be professional around him, so I'm not worried about it. But here's the other issue- DH doesn't know about this guy. Would you tell him? There's a chance I'll be going on business trips with him (though not just the 2 of us), and I don't want DH having any worries when I am out of town.

What do you think about accepting the job, and also telling DH about my history with the co-worker?

[ijack]

I would tell H first and assure him that nothing is going on and then take the job.

[anna7602]

How do you and DH handle ex-flings & whatever otherwise? Are you both pretty jealous people or are you usually very laid back about it? And does the fact that you never told DH about this guy make him more likely to get jealous/suspicious? And, at the end of the day, would he really not be able to deal with his feelings in exchange for a raise?

[vanillacourage]

I think you need to think about the implications with your boss if you say "yeah, thanks but no thanks".

[cjeanette]

It wouldn't stop me from taking the job.

[nonsenseabound]

It would only give me pause if I thought I was still interested in said former buddy. In a happy and stable relationship, I would have no concerns about it.

[Pilsy]

I have an idea your discomfort will pass very quickly.

If he's a nut, that's another story, but I'm assuming he's nothing extraordinary. If you update and tell us he was in love with you, that might change my answer. But if you two were just fooling around, I doubt this is going to matter in a few months.

Congrats, btw.

[Kore]

Oct 3, 2012 11:13:50 GMT -5 @crackhabit said:

I would pretend like it never happened.

It's not like he is going to ask you if your pubic hair is still shaved into the shape of a star.

Same here. I've been friendly with former FWBs, and it would be fine to work with them. I'm not still interested in them; we've all moved on.

My H isn't the jealous type. He would think it's funny.

[80sjunkie]

Just make sure you don't picture him naked every time you interact. :-P

[Deleted]

I would tell your husband because I think it would be worse if he found out that you hid it from him (he'll assume more) than if you tell him upfront. But I think you should do it in a "And you know what's funny? I'll be working with this guy I hooked up with before we were dating. That's a little awkward, right?" rather than a "I have something very serious from my past that I need to disclose to you" tone.

And I would take the job.

[dr.girlfriend]

I would definitely tell DH. He may say it's no big deal, or it may bother him enough for you to not take the job. But how freakin' betrayed would he feel if you took the job and six months down the road found out, "Oh, that guy Jim I work with every day? We used to f*ck." Keeping things like this under wraps makes them seem a million times more significant than they are.

If it were my DH, I would probably be fine with him taking the job. But if I found out much later that he had taken a job with an ex and deliberately kept it from me? That would be major Trust Issue territory, and I would wonder all kinds of things.

[Deleted]

It wouldn't stop me.

[Pilsy]

Oct 3, 2012 11:27:20 GMT -5 v said:

rather than a "I have something very serious from my past that I need to disclose to you" tone.

This made me snort.

[aspentosh]

Oct 3, 2012 11:09:44 GMT -5 nonsenseabound said:

It would only give me pause if I thought I was still interested in said former buddy. In a happy and stable relationship, I would have no concerns about it.

Agreed. I would tell DH about it, though, because we are open about everything.

[kellbell191]

I would tell DH even though I'm sure it wouldn't bug him and I would take the job. I'd rather DH be in the know and give me the green light than it come out some other way and there be weirdness.

Also, my DH would probably be stoked that I broke up with this guy for him : )

[mrssandro]

I would tell DH but I also would take the job. You can be professional about this.

[hannamaren]

Oct 3, 2012 11:27:20 GMT -5 v said:

I would tell your husband because I think it would be worse if he found out that you hid it from him (he'll assume more) than if you tell him upfront. But I think you should do it in a "And you know what's funny? I'll be working with this guy I hooked up with before we were dating. That's a little awkward, right?" rather than a "I have something very serious from my past that I need to disclose to you" tone.

And I would take the job.

This is very true.

[cilantro]

Oct 3, 2012 11:27:20 GMT -5 v said:

I would tell your husband because I think it would be worse if he found out that you hid it from him (he'll assume more) than if you tell him upfront. But I think you should do it in a "And you know what's funny? I'll be working with this guy I hooked up with before we were dating. That's a little awkward, right?" rather than a "I have something very serious from my past that I need to disclose to you" tone.

And I would take the job.

:Y:

[Deleted]

I would take the job, and I wouldn't tell my husband. How would your husband ever find out that you have a history with this guy, especially if it was super casual? I think you're just opening the door to jealousy or whatever if you tell your husband. I think it would make my husband uncomfortable, at least, so I wouldn't tell him if this were me.

This assumes you are happily married and have no interest in this other guy, of course. If you feel that this will bring temptation or something my answer would be different.

[Deleted]

I'm wondering why this is an issue. Are you feeling guilty because you've never told your H that you work with a guy you messed around with while beginning to see him or do you still have feelings for the guy (sexually)? If its the former, just tell your H and get it over with. If its the later...you have more problems than telling your boss you're turning down a job she helped you get.

[SJ]

Oct 3, 2012 11:03:56 GMT -5 ijack said:

I would tell H first and assure him that nothing is going on and then take the job.

This.

That is way too big of a raise to turn down over something that is in the past.

[huey]

I may be in the minority, but I wouldn't tell H. It seems like if it's a nonissue, then why make it a potential issue?

If you know 100% that you can be professional and it won't cause issue, I would take the job and give your boss an awesome gift

[aework]

Thanks for the advice all. I'm definitely leaning towards telling DH about it and then accepting the position. He might freak out for a second but he'll definitely enjoy the additional income

Also I'm not going to approach the subject with the co-worker unless he brings it up first. I have a feeling he will mention it eventually (probably at a happy hour or something). I'll just deal with it at that point. On the bright side, I don't regret anything...it was a great experience and we ended things very amicably. I might feel different if it were a regretful one night stand or something.

[Deleted]

Either way, take the job. It would be silly not to. Personally, I probably would not tell my husband if there is no way he could possibly find out about it. I don't see a reason to possibly make him jealous/worry if you don't need to. If my husband were in a similar situation I wouldn't want to know.

[lys]

Take the promotion and keep the relationship with ex FB strictly business.