Mid-life crisis?

[anonomess]

I'm married to a smart, successful, attractive man who wants me to be happy. We have a very comfortable life and usually are generally happy with each other.
Over the past few months I've developed some confusing feelings. I work with a couple men who remind me of the way I used to feel about guys I dated: Butterflies, sexy, funny, smart, excited. I married DH because he calmed me down - I knew I could trust him and I didn't get crazy jealous. But I haven't been that turned by him in a while and I sometimes have the "is this all there is?" nagging. I don't think he's ever going to be the type of guy who constantly tells me I'm beautiful and can't get enough of me - its just not his DNA. Yet words of affection and physical touch are my love language. I feel like sometimes I married the safe guy, and I don't know how to reconcile this in my head. Anyone go through a phase like this and get over it? I'm hoping its jus a phase/midlife angst.

[kaylie]

I was thinking today that I'm having a quarter/mid life crisis, but more in relation to my job. I think what you're feeling is normal; I know I sometimes have similar thoughts and I get a little rush when a guy flirts with me. Being unattached and flirting was fun and being in that heady first three months of a relationship was exciting. I think after being married for awhile you forget the bad parts of being single. I don't think that being married means you don't occasionally have feelings for other people; I think it means that you love your H enough not to act on them.

H and I love eachother but it's definitely evolved into a more comfortable relationship than the exciting lets tear our clothes off every five minutes and do it thing we had going on when we first got together. He's a great husband and I can't imagine life without him - we're a team.

[anonomess]

I have had career crisis' as well, so I'm chalking some of it to my neurotic personality and also boredom. I understand the heady infatuation is not going to last forever, and that's what's keeping me grounded. I'm just not sure this is all there is for the rest of my life, and that's what makes me scared.

[anonomess]

Thanks, tariann. Unfortunately cutting ties is not an option with my job. Those are great suggestions and I will think about what WE can do differently.

[Deleted]

Zombie hugs. DH is also the "safe husband". It ebbs and flows...

[greekypie]

Yes, absolutely I can relate. I've had to be a lot more direct with my H about what I want/need, and when he takes a step in that direction, I make sure to let him know that he is on the right track. Tht goes for physical stuff, affection, the way he talks to me, all the love language stuff. If you want to talk more via PM I would be happy to discuss. But in a nutshell, things are improving, but my midlife crisis lasted for nearly a year.... Give yourself (and him) time.

[Kore]

I try to remind myself that being married does not mean I'll never be attracted to another man. Attraction is a normal response that we can't really control. It doesn't mean something is necessarily wrong with our primary relationships, nor do we have to act on it (though it's fun to imagine sometimes ).

[pamela]

Oct 4, 2012 8:36:53 GMT -5 Kore said:

I try to remind myself that being married does not mean I'll never be attracted to another man. Attraction is a normal response that we can't really control. It doesn't mean something is necessarily wrong with our primary relationships, nor do we have to act on it (though it's fun to imagine sometimes ).

Ditto.

I think it's important to acknowledge to yourself how you're feeling and talk with your husband about what specifically he can do that you appreciate. And ask the same from him, is there anything he's missing. It's way too easy to get comfortable and just kind of check out. It takes effort to keep any relationship, no matter how "safe choice" or "adventurous" it was at first going for decades.

Personally, my husband is great at the little intimacies. Random kisses, I love yous, love pats, etc. He is not good at all with passion or taking charge. So yeah, sometimes I miss the butterflies, excitement, and suspense that comes with interest from/in a new person. But then think about the pain that comes when that ends, the messiness, the uneasiness from not really knowing what the other wants/needs and realize I have it pretty good by already having my husband who I know will be there through the worst of anything and wants what's best for both of us.

[Deleted]

I think a lot of what you describe is really normal, or at least common for people who have been in long relationships. I've been with my H for twelve years, married for seven. We have three little kids and he has a very demanding, time consuming job. We don't get a lot of time together completely alone. I do occasionally miss the butterflies and the feeling of discovering someone new and falling in love. I also think it's totally normal to be attracted to other guys. Just because you're married doesn't mean you're blind

But if I could go back in time and do it all over again, I'd want to do it with my H. I don't want to be with anyone else, which is how I know I'm in the right relationship.

[Deleted]

Oct 4, 2012 8:36:53 GMT -5 Kore said:

I try to remind myself that being married does not mean I'll never be attracted to another man. Attraction is a normal response that we can't really control. It doesn't mean something is necessarily wrong with our primary relationships, nor do we have to act on it (though it's fun to imagine sometimes ).

Totally. There is a beautiful boy at work that we all drool over. I made him blush today and vice versa. Then my work bestie and I giggled about it all the way out the door. :Y: