I want to beat FIL with a stick

[Pom]

So we get a call early Saturday morning from H's sobbing, hysterical stepmother. She wanted us to know, she had moved out and FIL is alone. He is in Northern Michigan and we are in South Texas. He has had 2 heart attacks, a recent hip replacement, and is diabetic.

They have been married almost 9 years, and she is a nice lady, very low key, low drama. They are in their early 70's. He on the other hand is a mean, selfish nut case. Last summer when we were home, I felt she was getting sick of his crap. And I really can't be happier, that she can have a nicer life.

But what to do with him? He is incredibly selfish, mean spirited and VERY difficult to get along with all around. At first, we talked about one of us going home to check on things, maybe arrange some home care. But he insists that she will be back, he can take care of himself, and honestly, he fully brought this on himself. How do you help someone like this? He never appreciates anything and if we hired someone, we suspect he would drive them off pretty quickly. Mr. Pom has an uncle and a cousin that live close, and have agreed to check in on him and let us know if things seem more off than usual. I just needed a vent.

[onomatopoeia]

I'm sorry. My grandfather is similar to your FIL, also with a wife who is sweet and low key. She hasn't left him yet, but I do worry about her. Most of the family has cut ties with him. Good luck.

[womet]

We have the opposite situation. FIL is a wonderfully sweet man, and we love to spend time with him. DH's mom died over 10 years ago, and FIL started dating and then married this awful, awful woman. She likes to stir the pot. She is a huge gossip. She thinks her white trash daughter can do no wrong but DH and BIL are pieces of crap and do nothing right. She created a lot of drama between DH and his ex that played a part in their eventual divorce. And she has alienated DH and BIL from their dad. She's got several health problems that will eventually kill her. It's awful, but we are looking forward to the day when DH and BIL can re-establish a relationship with their dad that is drama-free.

[Pom]

I really feel sad and angry at the same time. What a miserable existence these kinds of people impose on their spouses. Is it really that hard to show your SO some kindness. In our case, FIL just does petty, spiteful things to MIL. Why? What purpose does that serve? Part of me thinks he is a wounded animal, raised by another miserable person and now he knows nothing different. I am sorry the rest of you are watching the same kind of trainwreck.

[ECB]

In all honesty - let the uncle and cousin check on him first and see what they say. I really wouldn't bend over too far to try and help him. I realize that as his dad, your DH may not want to just turn his back on him entirely. But at the same time, I also wouldn't be going out of my way either.

[ssmjlm]

May 21, 2012 8:53:07 GMT -5 ECB said:

In all honesty - let the uncle and cousin check on him first and see what they say. I really wouldn't bend over too far to try and help him. I realize that as his dad, your DH may not want to just turn his back on him entirely. But at the same time, I also wouldn't be going out of my way either.

This. Do what you can, but don't stop living your life to help someone who has driven everyone away.

[Pom]

@ namasteak...We have talked about what will happen when we get to the point where he can't live alone. It will be an ugly battle, I am sure involving incompetancy, legal guardianship, etc... I don't know that we are there quite yet. FIL is about 73, and while he is strange, we are not sure it is dementia yet. He's been difficult for years, so it will be really hard to tell when he is completely "off his rocker", for lack of a better phrase. He is not going to be living with us, we would not survive.

[partiallysunny]

May 21, 2012 8:56:40 GMT -5 ssmjlm said:

May 21, 2012 8:53:07 GMT -5 ECB said:

In all honesty - let the uncle and cousin check on him first and see what they say. I really wouldn't bend over too far to try and help him. I realize that as his dad, your DH may not want to just turn his back on him entirely. But at the same time, I also wouldn't be going out of my way either.

This. Do what you can, but don't stop living your life to help someone who has driven everyone away.

Yep.

[Pom]

The police have been called, MIL is at the house getting the rest of her things. We hope FIL doesn't do anything crazy. He is not the most rational person. It is sad that I am glad we are far away.

[Pom]

May 21, 2012 13:17:40 GMT -5 namasteak said:

May 21, 2012 13:05:25 GMT -5 Pom said:

The police have been called, MIL is at the house getting the rest of her things. We hope FIL doesn't do anything crazy. He is not the most rational person. It is sad that I am glad we are far away.

Your poor MIL. It can't be easy leaving your husband at that age.

I know, I feel so bad for her. She really tried.

[Deleted]

May 21, 2012 9:07:11 GMT -5 Pom said:

@ namasteak...We have talked about what will happen when we get to the point where he can't live alone. It will be an ugly battle, I am sure involving incompetancy, legal guardianship, etc... I don't know that we are there quite yet. FIL is about 73, and while he is strange, we are not sure it is dementia yet. He's been difficult for years, so it will be really hard to tell when he is completely "off his rocker", for lack of a better phrase. He is not going to be living with us, we would not survive.

This is my worst fear.

Sorry he's being difficult. Today is crappy in-law day.