We live about four hours from my parents and sister, two hours from DH's mom and in the same metro area as DH's sister.
My DH never seems to want to visit his family without me. I, on the other hand, enjoy occasionally seeing my sister and/or parents on my own. (And my mom has been very clear about hoping to see me - only me - from time to time. She adores DH, but I am her baby, if you know what I mean.)
I'm fascinated by the fact that DH doesn't seem to want any time alone with his immediate family. I have encouraged him to visit his mom more frequently, occasionally without me, but he has refused. He has gone to see his sister without me, but only after a period of severe tension, during which I admitted time with SIL causes my blood pressure to rise considerably. And they don't really seem all that concerned with having time with only him.
The longer we're married, the more I wonder if I'm the one whose habits are unusual. So, what do you think? Are our tendencies equally common? Is one of us behaving oddly? Is this a gender-driven thing?
Both H and I visit our parents without each other. Most of the time when H visits his mom she has a bunch of stuff she wants him to do, so I prefer he go on his own so that I don't have to sit there while they are doing other stuff.
Your situation is very similar to mine. The only time he goes home without me is for last minute funerals where I either can't get away from work or when I was too pregnant to fly (and on bed rest). I go to see my family a couple of times a month by myself (with DS). I would live if he visited his family more by himself because I end up using a lot of my vacation time visiting them. I can see my family for a day trip.
I think it's a bit odd for your mother to make clear she expects to see you alone given the 4 hour distance. My ILs live 9 hours away and my husband never goes without me, but I wouldn't care if he did. It would be wired if his parents expected him to come without me though.
Eh, I visit my immediate family without H on occasion. (They are 2.5 hours away.)
H's family are all OOS so he's seen his dad once without me, the first year we were married. FIL came to our city for a work convention thing right around my birthday. H and I had planned to go see my family together for my birthday but he stayed in town and hung out with his dad while I went to see my family. Other than that we always see his family together since either we or they have to travel by airplane for us to see each other.
I think you're normal OP. I also think your H is normal. It really depends on the family dynamic etc.
Post by orangeblossom on Oct 12, 2012 19:56:28 GMT -5
I love seeing my family. When we first met, I was surprised that he only visited his family a few times a year. I've come to realize that that's the right frequency for him and don't push him on it.
I see my family all of the time by myself. Most of the time I'm with DH when he goes to see the ILs, but he'll go on occasion by himself (generally he's going for a very specific thing if it's by himself though).
DH likes visiting my family, that said, we did have a big argument about family visits, fairness and equality a couple of years ago. My response to DHs argument was nothing is stopping him from seeing his family, and if he wanted to see them more he can do so. He doesn't want to see them more and/or not make the effort. I have at times encouraged him when little small things were going on with his family that would be nice to go. It's not my issue and he needed to own it. He hasn't said anything since.
Bottom line, different doesn't mean bad. If he's comfortable with the frequency he sees his parent's, take his lead and let him dictate how often he sees them.
I think this really depends on the dynamics of the relationships he has with his own family. It's different for everyone. I see my parents by myself sometimes because DH is working or tired or busy, or I just want a day out with my parents. My family consists of people I can actually hang out with and have a good time. DH doesn't make it a priority to see his family, they are generally negative people who have nothing good to say about anything, and quite frankly, DH finds them depressing and doesn't have much interest in seeing them.
I go visit my family without my DH more than he visits his family without me. My family lives several states away and sometimes I enjoy going to visit on my own. I try and see both friends and family when I visit and it can be pretty overwhelming for DH. He is a teacher and usually takes at least one family vacation without me over the summer.
DH visits his mom without me, and she lives across the country and is a half-day flight away at best. But he also visits her with me. My family didn't meet DH until we'd been together almost a decade because the few times I flew cross-country to see them he didn't come with me.
DH is pretty much the same, it actually been getting worse with the SIL's having kids he won't go up as nearly as much now. I don't get to see my family as often either though, my parents work practically everyday. I feel as time goes on, 7 years living in our area together, pretty much put us in a bubble away from everything family though, so to him its his parents/siblings over there and our family is down here- which is the most important. At this stage in my life I am okay with that. our situation is different, family = more stress then its worth.
It certainly does depend on family dynamics. I know this, so I don't know why I have this thing about figuring out why the situation with each of our families is unique. I think too much.
Also, just to clarify, it's not like I'm dying to head off without him. haha It's just that I really enjoy my family and miss them a lot. I think I am much closer to them then he is with his family. (In fact, I'm sure of this, but it feels insulting to say it.) And he really enjoys my family, but if we have a free weekend, he's less apt to suggest we drive up and see them. I would never fault him for this. It's my "family of origin," so of course it's more of a priority for me to see them. It's also just his personality to sort of go with the flow, rather than make plans, so he is more apt to be agreeing to go than suggesting we go.
I also think I'm more apt to make a point of seeing my family (with or without him) than he is to make a point of seeing his family (with or without me). With his family, we are usually responding to invitations, not driving the get-togethers. Some of this is his personality (easy-going, happy to accept invitations rather than make the plans, etc.) but I think some of it is reflective of the relationships involved, too. His sister is always pressing us for more visits. I admit to being irritated by this and would be happy to sit out some visits.
I think it's a bit odd for your mother to make clear she expects to see you alone given the 4 hour distance.
LibGrl, I see your point. I can see how it sounds weird. On the other hand, I can see how it was probably wild for her to suddenly, unexpectedly realize she'd done certain things with me for the last time. (My relationship with DH went from 0 to 60 in record time!) When DH and I visit them, it's not as if my mom and I go shopping or watch (and make fun of) a Lifetime movie. Stuff like that. The distance is an interesting factor. If we lived near each other, we'd naturally have/make plenty of time for mother-daughter lunches, shopping, etc.
Your 2nd post basically sounds like the situation with my DH. He only sees his family 1-2 times a year so when he does, I usually come because otherwise I won't see them at all. We see my family more often so it is less important that he be there every single time. Neither of us would refuse to see our families without the other, and we're both always welcome to come to the others' family - but it just works out that I'm more likely to go home to my parents' alone than he is to go to his parents' alone.
With that said, he just came back a few days ago from going up to visit his dad - alone - for a week, but that's the first time he's done that in the 6 years we've lived away from them. I also would probably have gone with if I wasn't standing in a wedding in a different state that same week!
Also, I get what you mean about the girl time. I don't think my mom would ever say "don't bring your DH" but a visit is definitely different when he's there. If I go by myself we're more likely to shop or scrapbook or do other things that my DH would have no interest in doing, and it is fun to do that stuff sometimes!
Dh hasn't seen his mom with out me in probably 12 years. Mil is sweet, but dear god they know how to push each other's buttons - nothing major, just annoying each other. An afternoon alone is enough for them. I spend more time alone with her than he does.
My mom... Well, she is anti-dh and he's stopped trying for anything more than polite civility, so I take the kids to see her without dh once a year. And she and dh only have to interact at Christmas.
It sounds like it's partially your DH's personality, and it also sounds like he isn't that close to his family.
You don't seem to really like his sister all that much. He may basically feel the same way! And in turn, doesn't really want to spend time w/ her alone. would YOU want to spend time w/ her alone? Yes, it's his "sister" - but I get the sense he just isn't as close to his family as you may be to yours.
How often do you actually see his sister and how much does she push? Are you talking weekly, monthly or - what?
My advice - instead of saying "go w/o me", just tell him "I'm willing to see her _ times" (like once a month, or once every other month, or..... whatever) and let HIM figure that out w/ her.
My DH will not go visit his mother, she will come to our house a few times a year (she only lives 35 minutes away, but is rude, mean and insane!) When she does visit our house my DH usually tells me to go shopping or something so I don't have to see her. She has been especially rude to me, and he understands that while she is his mother and he feels an obligation to see her on occasion she is not my mother. It can also be hard on our marriage to see her b/c I get upset when she says mean things to me (an example, two months after having my first son, after two months bedrest, three weeks hospital stay, complicated c section and my son needing surgery at 6 weeks she told me I looked ratty.) My husband also gets extremely moody for about a week after seeing her b/c she makes him so tense so we try to limit things. My parents live next door and have my kids over often so we see them together and apart on a daily basis
As someone whose MIL makes it clear that she'd rather see her son alone, it hurts big time that my spouse's family wants time without me. Sure, visits happen without the other spouse but you and DH are a family now. I think it's odd to have your family expect to see you alone. I would never tell my DH he wasn't welcome with my family.
LibGrl, I see your point. I can see how it sounds weird. On the other hand, I can see how it was probably wild for her to suddenly, unexpectedly realize she'd done certain things with me for the last time. (My relationship with DH went from 0 to 60 in record time!) When DH and I visit them, it's not as if my mom and I go shopping or watch (and make fun of) a Lifetime movie. Stuff like that. The distance is an interesting factor. If we lived near each other, we'd naturally have/make plenty of time for mother-daughter lunches, shopping, etc.
Maybe I am a bitch, but I still do these things when I visit with my parents. I go shopping with my mom and my DH will either hangout with my dad or watch TV. Just because I am married I don't want to stop doing things I enjoy with my family nor do I want him to have to do this. When we go visit his parents he will go play golf with his dad and I'll either hangout with his mom or make a run to a local coffee shop while he is gone. I'm not going to ask him to not play golkf because I am there.
My parents are 3.5 hours away and there are times where I will go up and visit w/o DH and he doesn't mind. Especially if I'm going up for something specific like a scrapbooking weekend with my mom. If it's just a regular visit though, we both go.
DH's parents are local and usually we're both there for get togethers, but sometimes he'll go over to his Dad's to help with something and go alone. Or sometimes he'll go to the kids after school sports and depending on the game time I'm still at work. We don't spend that much time with his family "just because" so we've made the deal that we both have to suffer together.
I can't deal with family without H. He's my buffer. We generally visit both our family together, but there have been a couple times we've had to do it alone, but we both prefer together.
H is the same way! I think it has less to do with his family and more to do with just not wanting to go OOT without me. (they live 4 hrs away) He is visiting his mom for her bday in a few weeks and I finally convinced him to go alone. Seeing my ILs stresses me out to much.
I guess Im the same way. My parents live about 30 mins away and I always like it more when H comes with me to see them. I think we just have so much more fun.
I'm like you OP; I see my parents sans DH probably 2-4 times a year. Usually it's because I have more time off, so will join them at their vacation house for a week and H joins us for the weekend. Or My mom, sister and I do a girls weekend or something.
I encourage my DH to go home to visit his parents alone. I am neutral about going to visit them; it still feels like a chore. And every time we go to visit, I end up hanging out with his mom while H watches TV. Don't get me wrong; I think I lucked out for the most part in the MIL department, but to a certain extent I want to give DH a chance to have mother/ son time without me there, you know? But, he declines to go without me.
Also, I think that H will have more fun at his parents house without me. Hes never gone alone before, so its just a theory. But I feel like he will be able to do things like play soccer with his brother and wont feel obligated to spend time with me
Post by cricketwife on Oct 13, 2012 14:59:12 GMT -5
Part of it's family dynamics. Part of it's personalities. I think it's more common to visit your family without your spouse if they live nearby.
Dh and I are both very far (geographically) from our families. We generally get to go once a year to one or the other and when we go it's for a week. But during that week, I do things with just my mom (shopping, movies) while he hangs out at the house. But it's more of function of if he's interested in the activity than us trying to have "us" time. If it's a movie he wants to see he comes, if not, he doesn't. It's no big deal to him either way because he's so chill. But I do like getting some time with just my mom when I'm there. However, it's different with his family. ,When I've suggested to DH that I could be dropped off in town and do some shopping so that he could have some time alone with his parents, he finds that to be unnecessary and an odd suggestion.
As someone whose MIL makes it clear that she'd rather see her son alone, it hurts big time that my spouse's family wants time without me. Sure, visits happen without the other spouse but you and DH are a family now. I think it's odd to have your family expect to see you alone. I would never tell my DH he wasn't welcome with my family.
Aww, Boiler, that sounds awful. I think this is a different situation. My DH and my parents really get along well and he is always welcome at their place. In general, I think they just wish we'd visit more!
And I would never tell my DH he isn't welcome, either. I don't think that's the same as saying I'd like to go shopping with my mom or him saying he'd like to go golfing with his dad.
Also, I get what you mean about the girl time. I don't think my mom would ever say "don't bring your DH" but a visit is definitely different when he's there. If I go by myself we're more likely to shop or scrapbook or do other things that my DH would have no interest in doing, and it is fun to do that stuff sometimes!
Yeah, you get it! My mom would never say that either - neither to him, nor to me. When I say she's clear about wanting time with me, I mean she has told me she misses doing the things we used to do and no longer do. She just really, really misses me. It's difficult to explain; it is not nearly as negative as some people interpreted it, though I can see how/why they saw it that way.
I should have posted this question when I had more time to think and respond. I find all this stuff very interesting and enjoy hearing how other families operate. Like someone else (or many people) said, individual personalities certainly come into play as much as family dynamics do.