Random thoughts about my life.

[piper84]

I'm not really sure what this post is about, so I apologize for that in advance. It's not really a vent as I'm not angry. It's not really a "pity party" as I feel very thankful and lucky for the gifts in my life and I definitely don't pity myself. Maybe it's just some random thoughts / realizations. Feel free to comment, or not comment. I just need to write it out. Oh, and sorry, but it might be kind of long.

I've shared bits and pieces about myself, my H, and our lives in previous posts... but here is a little more about my story. My dream (and perhaps life goal) has always been to go to medical school and become a doctor. Almost everything I've done so far in my life as been to get to that point (straight A's, volunteer work, jobs in doctors' offices, etc.). I went to a very good college and studied Biomedical Engineering. I applied to med school and got accepted to USUHS in Bethesda and was stoked about becoming a military doctor. Right after my BS degree, I actually stayed in school and got my MS in Engineering -- this is when I was applying to med school. Anyway, toward the end of that year, I went through some life changes and starting second-guessing my decision to go to med school (and join the military) all at the same time. I started wondering if I was so focused on the end goal (being a doctor) that I had stopped questioning if this it was I truly wanted (does that make sense?). I was on such an intense, rigorous path during college and my masters that when I finally got accepted I took a step back and tried to look at my life and what was really important to me. I decided to decline the acceptance (and ultimately withdrew my app from all other schools). It made complete sense at the time, and looking back at it today, I'm not really sure what I was thinking or why I did this. Anyway...

I decided to use my degrees and because an engineer for one of the top medical device companies in the world. I've been there for a little more than 5 years now. To be honest, I've been miserable since day 1. I know this isn't how I want to spend my life, stuck behind a desk doing engineering. I always thought about what my true passion was, and the answer has always been health, medicine, becoming a doctor, etc. Anyway, over the past several years I got married, bought a house, recently had our first baby... meanwhile, my H and I made the decision that it was his turn to pursue his dream in life. He has been a pilot since he was 16, his grandpa was in the AF, his father in the AF Reserves... his dream has always been to be an AF pilot. He was so supportive during my pursuit of med school (we started dating during college so he has been through it all with me). I knew he was willing to give up everything to travel with me to med school if I went, so I wanted to do the same for him. I've always been his cheerleader and biggest supporter. Now he is at OTS and I'm so, so proud of him.

I guess I'm just coming to the realization that my dream of going to med school will always be just that - just a dream. I guess in the back of my mind I always figured that, despite my age, I could reapply and go in the future. Now that I have a baby, I'm sure that is a little far-fetched. And now that H is joining the AF, I feel like that idea is even foolish to think about. The thing I'm struggling with through all this is the loss of my own identity. I have always been super career-driven, motivated, and passionate about the things I've done. I feel so, so blessed to be a mom, but I guess I never really thought of myself as being the stay-at-home type. I never really thought about what I wanted to do with my life besides engineering (because I guess sub-consciously I always held on to that dream of going to med school). I've always been the "bacon winner" and I guess I always felt proud about how far I've gotten in my career, etc. I never knew that making my own paycheck and being independent were things that were important to me but I'm starting to realize that now.

H has only been gone for 6 weeks and I'm starting to kind of panic. I feel so proud of him and I want him to be happy, and I want us to have a happy life together. When I hear you all talking about being referred to as a dependent, though, the thought makes me feel sick. I feel like I'm in for a huge shock. I know I am, and I'm okay with it. I just guess 10 years ago, I wouldn't have pictured my life to be this way -- and that's okay, I'm very happy with where I'm at and excited for the adventure ahead. I guess I'm just having the realization that with this new chapter in our lives starting, so many things -- my dream of med school, my success, my independence -- all is coming to an end.

Wow, this is a long post. Again, I'm not really sure what the point of typing all this was, I just felt like I needed to get it out. I didn't want to re-read it, so I'm sorry if there are typos. Also, please don't get me wrong - I do not think there is ANYTHING wrong with being a stay-at-home wife or mom, and I do not think I'm "too good" for that by any means. I just feel like I'm in shock of the realization that my life is about to change oh so much. And yes, I have talked to H about this in-depth. It's to the point now, though, where I don't want to talk about it anymore. He would do anything for me, including stop his pursuit of the AF, and that's not what I want. We made this decision together, and I'm excited for it all to happen... it's just sad that this chapter of my life is about to end.

Thanks for listening. Cheers!

[crimewatcher]

I will be honest and tell you I bawled my eyes out with the Local Police Department and Sheriff's Department told me they would not hire me knowing I was going to leave in 3 yrs to accompany my H where ever he was sent next. I too had worked hard getting 2 bachelors degrees and then going to the Police Academy. Passing the MN Board and becoming a licensed Peace Officer was the second happiest day of my life. But then I remember the happiest day of my life-- marrying my H. My ego took a huge hit- and its still devastating to think I can't do what I love. I also took a job I hated.

There is still hope for you. I ended up finding a Job I love and is still flexible with H's life/career. I believe there is always a happy medium as long as you have the right attitude. I never resented my H because I was the one who said yes and knew what it meant. He made sure I knew what I was getting in to, so in the end I could only be mad at myself for being miserable and who wants to hate themself?

[piper84]

Oct 12, 2012 20:45:56 GMT -5 crimewatcher said:

I will be honest and tell you I bawled my eyes out with the Local Police Department and Sheriff's Department told me they would not hire me knowing I was going to leave in 3 yrs to accompany my H where ever he was sent next. I too had worked hard getting 2 bachelors degrees and then going to the Police Academy. Passing the MN Board and becoming a licensed Peace Officer was the second happiest day of my life. But then I remember the happiest day of my life-- marrying my H. My ego took a huge hit- and its still devastating to think I can't do what I love. I also took a job I hated.

There is still hope for you. I ended up finding a Job I love and is still flexible with H's life/career. I believe there is always a happy medium as long as you have the right attitude. I never resented my H because I was the one who said yes and knew what it meant. He made sure I knew what I was getting in to, so in the end I could only be mad at myself for being miserable and who wants to hate themself?

Thanks for sharing your own experience. I do feel better knowing I'm not the only one who has these types of feelings (or did at some point). I guess what I'm most worried about is that I'll never find anything I like, am good at, am successful at, etc. I have no clue what I want to do with my life now, but all I do know is that whatever I end up doing will always be a second priority to H's career.

I think that's part of it - my ego taking a huge hit. I need to swallow my pride a little. But I agree, I know what I'm getting into and I'm fully supportive. And you're right, I don't want to hate myself

[basilosaurus]

Hmmm, my post was eaten.

Anyway, I hear you. I've been there. It was a huge adjustment for me to make (sans baby!) to find myself in Japan with no jobs to be found. My identity went from being an intelligent career minded (but not ambitious independent woman to being a dependent sahw.

Would you be open to finding someone professional to talk to? These are major life changes, and you're getting them all at once. I think it would be beneficial to have someone help you work out your thoughts and find direction in your new life.

What about being a doctor appealed to you? Would you be interested in some related medical field that requires less time? Because of Japan, I went back to school for nursing. It wasn't my ideal career path, but given my parameters (of moving often and to remote locations), it was the perfect fit.

[meltoine]

I was in your shoes when DS was your son's age. First, I seriously recommend therapy. It did wonders for me. I found my therapist through Millitary One Source.

Next, ditto Sibil. What about nursing? I know a lot of people, even single parents, who have gone to nursing school with kids. I also know a lot of mil spouses who are successful nurses. It's an easily transferable career and there are always job openings wherever you go.

I definitely understand what it's like to give up your identity and I think it would be weird if you DIDN'T have trouble with such a major change. It takes time, but you will find peace with whateve you decide to do.

[piper84]

Thanks for all the support, help, and advice! I really appreciate it all. I've never thought about therapy but maybe that is needed... I still wonder if some post-partum blues is compounding all this in my head as well.

Sibil - can you tell me about the process you took to becoming a nurse? I really like that idea and have thought about it in the past. I guess I just never understood how I could even go back to school not knowing where I'll be located. UPT will be 1 year long and then I have no idea where I'll be and for how long after that. What type of degree would I need?

[basilosaurus]

My path involved living away from h for awhile, some while he was deployed, some while he was "home" in Japan. When I'm not on my phone I'll write more.

[prettyinpink]

I know exactly where your coming from. I'm still in that place and working on making sure that doing what I want to do is falsifiable for us. I've been out of school for 3 years pushing on 4 and if I had done what I had planned on when I first started college I would almost be done with medical school now. I'm so glad that's not the way I choose to go, even though I'm currently working in a job that's not in my degree field I'm fairly happy. It took my husband looking at me one night when we were talking in bed and tell me " You know what you want, don't worry about pleasing anyone but you. If you want to be a teacher do it."

So now as I sit I'm working on figuring out credential programs and ones that are going to work for our financial situation and allow me to work as I'm getting it as well.

Its tough but I found once I made my decision I'm a lot happier.

[ilovelamp]

I'm in nursing school right now. Tons of women are in the program with kids. It's hard but definitely doable.

I'm sorry you are feeling lost right now. And I promise you will have an identity outside of being the dependent.

[Dory1988]

I've been there. I'm actually there right now. I applied to Navy OCS in 2010. I didn't get selected and gave up on it because after my application they were starting to require an MBA with a focus in health care to apply for the position i wanted. I married DH and moved to BFE where I spent a year and a half with no job in my field feeling very unfulfilled working for a boss who always had her rude and nasty pants on so I revisited becoming an officer which was what I really wanted. I started with the Army and they had no open positions for me in the health care field. I decided to stop being picky with healthcare since I really just wanted to be an officer in the military and I went to board twice for the MC and was a non-select both times. It's really hard for DH to entertain the idea of me going to the military since he just got home from a pretty rough deployment so its kind of a dead subject for now. Now I'm working a pretty thankless job as a respiratory therapist in my hometown while DH lives/works/is stationed across the country. I had started my MBA but realized I don't really enjoy what's involved with business. I may complete it for the sake of being more marketable but that's it. I just want more autonomy when it comes to patient care. I want to have the opportunity to lead people and have a positive effect on the system. I have good ideas that would help my department but we're not even allowed to have opinions. No one enforces the rules. I just have no idea where to go from here as I, like you, feel like I have dreams that could only ever be dreams. It's been a process to try to get over that and is part of the reason I haven't been around the board much lately. I think I rambled a bit there. Sorry. I hope you can find something that will work for you.

I've been told by several doctors that PA is the way to go as far as marketability/flexibility by the way.

[basilosaurus]

OK, so the nursing thing. I threw that out there as a non-doctor option, but it's not the only one. Think about what you liked about being a doctor, and try to go from there. It may mean you decide to be a tech, which is non-degreed, but you're satisfied by it.

If you go nursing, you could get an ADN or BSN (and there's a whole host of debates about this, but that doesn't matter right now). In your case, I'd go BSN b/c you already have the gen ed credits. There are programs that are as quick as 13 months. Mine was more like 18, although it took me longer b/c I took some time off to go live with H again.

Or you could look at being a CNA in the meantime while you figure it out. Or tech position like radiology or ultrasound (these are certificate programs so probably a cakewalk for you). There are lots of non-doctor options.

As far as flexibility, nursing seemed better for me than PA just b/c of overseas application. Everyone knows how to utilize a nurse, but PA wasn't as common in some countries.

I'm still recommending a professional, though. I think you need to shake out what you really want with your life, and that's not something we can do for you. We can give advice on how to make what you want work within the military spouse confines, but you have to do the hard work first.

[audette]

Dang, biomed engineering is one seriously difficult path to get thru! Especially as a preliminary to another degree! I've got a BS in Computer Engineering.

I'll be honest and say that part of why we haven't had kids yet is because I can't figure out how both of us can work and havethem properly cared for. And up until now, I haven't been able to give up on the idea of working. I telecommute for my employer, and it strikes a good balance for me - I work part time, so I can still do some of the crazy things the military seems to expect of me, but I also do work in my field, and travel for it, so I get a goodly amount of personal professional time. Part time work as an engineer is unusual, though, and I've been pushing to get full time status, or at least more hours, because if we want kids, we'll need a full time nanny/au pair/someone we can convince to live in when both DH and I are out of town for work. And that type of child care is expensive.

However, the decision might just be getting taken away from me. DH should be receiving orders for South Korea this week, and I will likely (hopefully) be included on them. And I have serious doubts about my employer being OK with me telecommuting from overseas... Even if we do have a crapload of stuff going on in Asia/Pac over the next couple years. (I certainly plan on making the argument that the location might save the company money, but I'm not sure it'll fly...)


Have you considered other medical options other than being a doctor? RN, PA, medical technologist, etc? You haven't mentioned exactly what type of bio-med work you do, but would the experience transfer into x-ray tech work or prosthetics work, or other areas that might require less/different education than you have?

[audette]

I also meant to mention. Back in NC, one of the women in my knitting group was going back to medical school to become a doctor in her mid/late 40's. Her family was completely supportive, including her husband and two kids, and she had a great experience. I think she was at the interning phase when I knew her.

It was a heavy load for her, but she loved every minute of it.


So, don't discount the idea of someday returning to the dream of being a medical doctor. Dreams are good.

[basilosaurus]

Oh, and so that you know my background, I was originally a BME major, too. I stuck it out for 2 years, realized I hated it (and was in danger of failing) and switched to biology. I loved doing benchwork research, and I secretly laughed the poor BME who sat in a closet and did something with my micro-arrays.

One thing you might want to do while in the limbo of upt is take some courses, either online or locally, that would satisfy pre-reqs for most medical routes. Surely you'd have to take a&p and microbiology. That would give you something concrete to work on while figuring out your path. I actually took a&p on base in Japan, and it was great for getting me to meet some people outside the small cgo community there.

[piper84]

Ladies - thank you SO much from the bottom of my heart for all your thoughtful, genuine, and caring responses. Hearing all about your stories was really touching. I really appreciate all the help and advice. Lots of good ideas here and a lot to think about! You've all made me feel so much better about my future and the endless possibilities out there.

Thank you again

[piper84]

Oct 14, 2012 13:29:26 GMT -5 basilosaurus said:

Oh, and so that you know my background, I was originally a BME major, too. I stuck it out for 2 years, realized I hated it (and was in danger of failing) and switched to biology. I loved doing benchwork research, and I secretly laughed the poor BME who sat in a closet and did something with my micro-arrays.

One thing you might want to do while in the limbo of upt is take some courses, either online or locally, that would satisfy pre-reqs for most medical routes. Surely you'd have to take a&p and microbiology. That would give you something concrete to work on while figuring out your path. I actually took a&p on base in Japan, and it was great for getting me to meet some people outside the small cgo community there.

Sibil, thanks for all the info. What's funny is that I started out as bio and switched to BME - I'm definitely more of a math / numbers person than "memorize this type of fungus" which was what our school's bio degree consisted of! I've actually taken a TON of science courses because I had to take all the medical school prereqs. In fact, during my masters schooling, I was a lab instructor for a&p lab courses which was really cool. I got to do a lot of work with cadavers and I really enjoyed teaching the students. I've taken extensive coursework in bio, chem, biochem, o-chem, micro, etc... so perhaps this would help me in the future? I'm not sure. Maybe I'd need to start all over? On a side note, I still like your idea of talking to a professional at some point. I think I just have too much crap going through my head and it's probably not good to keep it all bottled up

[piper84]

Oct 14, 2012 13:00:57 GMT -5 audette said:

So, don't discount the idea of someday returning to the dream of being a medical doctor. Dreams are good.

I agree and I like your outlook

[basilosaurus]

I thought I was a math and numbers person, too, and I still think that, but I wasn't the type of person who wanted to calculate the pressure on your hip if you're wearing a climbing harness as a 66 inch female, weighing 130#, and falling 70ft I never had to memorize fungus, ftr.

You probably don't have many pre-reqs at all given your background. Most schools will accept credits if it's in the last 5 years, maybe even 10.

As far as professionals, as a fellow overthinker, I have found it invaluable to find a good person (they're rare, so it's easy to get discouraged) to just think aloud to. In college I actually referred to therapy as my own penseive, if you get that harry potter reference. Sometimes it helps to have the thoughts leave your brain for a moment.

[iluvmytxrgr]

I'm sorry I'm late posting. I wasn't online much this weekend.
The first time I was a SAHM, I hated it. I was 19. I knew very few people in that area and none of the people my age had kids. I tried to join a few mommy groups, but everyone else was in their 30's and I was a fish out of water. I kept to myself a lot. Stayed home all the time. I was lonely and miserable. That marriage came to an end.
I had dreams of joining the Reserves as an MP, going to the Police Academy and getting a degree. Life got in the way. I am now remarried and have two more kiddos. That's 4 total. My husband and I decided both of us having dangerous jobs was not a good idea. We also wanted me to be able to stay home with the kids since he is gone the majority of every year.
I was worried I'd feel lost again this time. I decided to do things differently. Even with little ones in tow, I got involved in anything I could. I volunteer with the FRG, a local pet rescue, our church and the school my kids go to. When the younger two were still home, we went to story time at the library, toddler time at the zoo and anything else we could do to keep busy and help them learn.
Now that everyone is in school, I actually have a clean house, lol. As a SAHM, I'm able to do so many things I couldn't do if I were working. I volunteer at the school. I go on field trips with them. I coach volleyball. I've started my own non-profit organization.
I've also discovered a new dream I never thought I would ever consider. I have found a passion for teaching. Volunteering at school and coaching have only reaffirmed this feeling. I am starting classes for winter semester. I've also talked to the school about substituting when they need help. Because of my military past, I don't need a certificate right away to do that. We are all really excited about it. I can't wait to get started.
My point is, don't look at it as a negative. There are so many things you can do to take advantage of the time you have at home with your kiddo. You don't have to do it all from home. Get involved outside the home. Find things that interest you. There are so many things you can do. A friend was in your shoes. She was a teacher who had a baby right after they PCSd here. They decided for her to take a break until baby is three. She became depressed until I told her to find things to make her happy. She has since started a blog that has taken off. She has also found several online homeschooling communities where she can make a good bit of extra money by tutoring kids online. She still gets to teach but she's doing it from home with her baby girl right beside her.
Ok, I know I'm rambling.