NMM- Looking for suggestions how to deal w my Mom

[thatgirl]

Sigh!
My mother is a challenge, she just is. She is one of those people who drains your energy if you are around her her too long. (more than 20 mins )

She has this odd habit:
I call (on the phone) she answers, "hello"
I reply "Hi Mom"
She replies with NOTHING- she says nothing.
I have tried to wait her out but it goes on silent until I say something.
She then proceeds to moan about 'insert issue of the day' [for about 15-20 mins] then tells me how very busy she is because has to do laundry, wash her hair or whatever.
Then wants to know when I will call her again when we will have REAL time to talk??? When SHE will not be so busy?!?!?!
Every time I call this is the routine.
She is not busy she is retired, a widow and does nothing but shop.

This is not a new behavior, I learned years ago that I can put down the phone and wash dishes/etc and she just talks away.......

She would prefer I call daily but I can not do it:
A- I do not have the time
B- She NEVER asks how I am doing or about my family/life
C- it drains me

I try to laugh the whole thing off but aauughh!

PLEASE tell me I am not the only one in this position of "suck it up and be a good daughter."

[spunkarella]

Can you try asking "when would be the best time for me to call back?" and set up a specific time for you to call when she is not so "busy"?

My mom is not always the best about asking how I am doing, either. I just listen for a little while, then jump in talking about my stuff without waiting for her to ask. She responds to me after I start talking about my stuff, but she rarely initiates that part of the conversation. Maybe try that?

[thatgirl]

Oct 13, 2012 8:28:26 GMT -5 @vicmo said:

Can you ask her when the best time is to call? On your Tuesday phone call, set up a time for Weds or Thurs?

Do you have a headset for your phone? I know people who call their parents daily on the drive home from work with a Bluetooth headset - it's time that would otherwise just be spent listening to the radio, so it isn't taking time away from your life. And then you have a good reason to hang up, when you arrive at your destination.

Sorry, I did not mention in OP that I do call on a predetermined time schedule and that is how the call goes....
95% of the time I do call her from the car but then I can not get her off the phone when I get to my detestation. She once talked through a fire emergency 3 times I told her I had to go because I had to evacuate finally she got annoyed because the alarms were too loud and told me to call back!!! ha

[OscarQ]

I'd drop it to a weekly call.

[vanillacourage]

When she answers and then goes silent I'd be all chipper with "oh, this must not be a good time for you to talk. Call me when you're free. Bye!" and hang up.

[kaylie]

I'd stop calling and wait for her to catch the hint. Eventually she'll probably call you.

[boiler717]

My mom can out talk the best of them. When I was at college I would always call while walking to class so I'd have to say, "Well, I'm at class now. Gotta go!" I'd try calling on your way to/from work on something so you have a firm endpoint.

[Deleted]

My mother used to do that (set the phone down and let my grandmother keep talking) all the time, and I hated it. I remember as a teen yelling at my mother and telling her she was being disrespectful to her mother (not realizing I was doing the same thing).

Maybe ask your mother some leading/open-ended questions? Create a conversation rather than encourage a monologue? I get the feeling she just drones on because she might not feel as though you care about what she has to say...? Also, has she always had this conversation style, or is it something that came along with age? I wonder if it's related to health issues (mental or hearing, or something else).

[thatgirl]

No the behavior is not new. She does not engage conversation, she does not listen only waits to talk.
Recently I told her I was shocked and upset that my BFF's twin had suddenly died. She responded with "oh" and then continued to talk about whatever. She has never asked about it again or extended a condolence to my BFF of 20 years.

[thatgirl]

Oct 13, 2012 9:16:31 GMT -5 kaylie said:

I'd stop calling and wait for her to catch the hint. Eventually she'll probably call you.

Oh she calls, sometimes she calls several times a day. She will call me at work.
I accept or return her calls once or twice a week.
I can not handle daily calls from her

[kaylie]

Oct 13, 2012 11:07:22 GMT -5 thatgirl said:

Oct 13, 2012 9:16:31 GMT -5 kaylie said:

I'd stop calling and wait for her to catch the hint. Eventually she'll probably call you.

Oh she calls, sometimes she calls several times a day. She will call me at work.
I accept or return her calls once or twice a week.
I can not handle daily calls from her

Eeek. Can you tell her straight out that her negativity and the fact that she never asks you how you're doing bothers you? I've said things like that to my mom and it works. I might say something along the lines of "Mom, what is it about our phone calls that you enjoy? Whenever we talk you seem to be in a really negative mood and then tell me you're too busy with other things." or something like that.

Actually if it were my mom I'd say "Mom, every time I call you piss and moan about life and talk about how you're too busy. You're retired! You're not busy. Can you please try to be less of a negative nancy?" But we have a pretty blunt relationship.

[pamela]

You called her, you should start the conversation. That's weird that you call and then don't say anything. Just like anyone else you call, they don't know why you called so why should they start the talking? After responding to her greeting of hello, start talking about what's going with you if you want her to know.

[pugz]

uggh she does not sound fun. I think you are wise to keep it to once or twice a week.

when my mom answers I usually say "hey how's it going" or "whats up with you guys this week" and let her share first. But she always turns around asks about us at some point.

[dexteroni]

Oct 13, 2012 12:40:23 GMT -5 kaylie said:

I might say something along the lines of "Mom, what is it about our phone calls that you enjoy? Whenever we talk you seem to be in a really negative mood and then tell me you're too busy with other things." or something like that.

Actually if it were my mom I'd say "Mom, every time I call you piss and moan about life and talk about how you're too busy. You're retired! You're not busy. Can you please try to be less of a negative nancy?" But we have a pretty blunt relationship.

I think either of these approaches would be better than what you've got going on now. If she's been like this for years, chances are she's not going to change. But you never know until you try! Hopefully you'll get some answers, but if not, you can segue into why you won't be calling as much from now on. lol.

[Pom]

Your mom must be my FIL's twin sister. He wants H to pay attention to him, but has nothing positive to say, is not fun at all to talk to on the phone, never asks about any of H's stuff and is just generally negative. They probably aren't going to change, so you just have to deal the best way you can and accept it. Me, I have called him out on it, but that doesn't work for H and it may not be for you. All I can say is, find your warm, fuzzy person in someone else.