Or something. I am so irritated and I don't know why I let it bother me. My mom goes through cycles where she is depressed. Usually for just a few days at a time, but always set off by something my dad, sis or I do. Like we don't say thank you for something, we don't call enough or we make an offhand comment that she considers mean.
Last Christmas, my mom gifted me the ugliest Talbots twin set I've ever seen and gave my 23 yr old sis a matching one. She told us to wear them the next day to my ils so that she could take a picture of us together. Well, I did. But I forgot the matching necklace - so she didn't talk to me all day. Like would not make eye contact and gave me one word answers even though it was very awkward as we were around my entire extended il family. It still penetrates my memory of my daughter's first Christmas. Anyway, today is my parents' anniversary. 33 I think. I'm not a card person (ever) so I call this morning to wish them well. No answer. I call back at 12. 5. 7. 7:30 on my moms cell (because now I know exactly what's going on) and then again at 9:30, when I finally get my dad, who is very kind but announces that my mom has "gone to bed early." }^#%#^}.
I realize as I type this how absurd that it is that I'm so upset by my mother's mood, but the truth is that I am furious. Every time she's done this for ever and ever I've been irritated and yet completely compelled to try and make it right. Hence the 5 phone calls. I know it's a mental illness or manipulation or both, but it still makes me crazy.
I don't know what the point of my post is. I guess I just needed to get it out. Has anyone else figured out a way to handle something like this? In the past my sister and I have approached mom about seeing a doctor about depression (and I know she's been on meds in the past), but she just scoffed at us.
Have you talked to your dad about the situation? If she's scoffed at ou maybe she would listen to you. Other than that I can only sympathize. I have to tiptoe around my mother in different ways. Maybe try to set reminders fo yourself for the 'Events' she wants ou to recognize. Other than that I'd ignore the behavior and not play into it.
I think my biggest issue is my dad. I am mostly furious for him, because I know that he has to live with it all the time. Maybe I'm afraid that if we actually talked about it, that he would acknowledge how terrible it really is. Since I'm in the mood to throw it all out there, I feel like my mother is a not very nice person and that my dad deserves someone way better, but I couldn't ever actually handle that happening. Holy shit, I said it.
Post by missladytay on Oct 14, 2012 21:03:19 GMT -5
My mom is just like this. The last time I saw her she commented that I looked terrible (yes, I did, after a long week at work and a six hour car ride and no sleep). Fine, I said "thanks." Later she makes a comment that she should lose some weight and I told her that drinking less wine would help (not the nicest thing to say but I was cranky). She freaked out. Went on and on about how insensitive I am. Eye roll. She dishes it out but can't take it herself. After all these years I have learned to ignore 90% of her tantrums. She still has them but they don't affect my mood at family gatherings.
Oye! All you can control is your response. Cliche but true, right? Your mom wants to create drama but she can only do so if you allow it. Next time only call her twice.
Post by theintended on Oct 14, 2012 21:12:36 GMT -5
I could have written this post (although my experience involves more screaming and threats over silly things and less silent treatment).
You know this, but there's nothing you can do to make your mom change. All you can change is the way you react to it. If calling five times on their anniversary is the right choice for you, that's one thing, but it's worth asking what you (and your mom) are gaining by you always bending over backward in an attempt to diffuse the crazy.
Ugh. What a shitty feeling. I'm sorry It's easier said than done, but Spenjamins is right. You can only control your reaction, and you're not responsible for hers. I refuse to engage passive aggressive people anymore. If they won't come out & say what's pissing them off, I treat them like nothing's wrong, or stay away from them. Don't let yourself get sucked in. I know it's hard not to feel bad for your dad, but he is getting something out of it.
I could have written this post (although my experience involves more screaming and threats over silly things and less silent treatment).
You know this, but there's nothing you can do to make your mom change. All you can change is the way you react to it. If calling five times on their anniversary is the right choice for you, that's one thing, but it's worth asking what you (and your mom) are gaining by you always bending over backward in an attempt to diffuse the crazy.
I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
I totally agree with this. My mom once spent all of Christmas day pouting because I hadn't spent enough $$$ on her. Mind you, I was in grad school at the time and had NO extra money, which she knew. I didn't apologize, I didn't explain, I ignored her and drank an extra glass of wine. Enjoyed myself. Eventually she got over it. I have had to retrain myself to NOT respond to her. It has really helped me, and when she knows I'm not going to follow her upstairs and apologize fifty times while she whines, she magically gets over her moods faster than she used to.
Thank you guys. I'm glad to hear that I'm not crazy and that I need to stop buying into it. She must be very good - when I know she's in one of these moods, it hits me worse than anything I've ever dealt with otherwise (arguments with h included) and makes feel like total crap. I need to take a deep breath and move on. My kid doesn't deserve to have me in a shitty mood just because her grandmother feels like acting like a teenager. Or so I'm going repeat to myself over and over.
I'm really sorry you've been dealing with this for so long. My family has a line of crazy going through it too (not my mom, and not the same issue, but just as crazy), and I was well into my 30s before I gave myself permission to stop letting their BS involve me. One day I realized "I don't have to be a part of this. They can engage in all the craziness they want, but I can also choose to live my life differently," and I just stopped. I can't even describe how freeing it was. I still love my family, and I still see them. It's just that when they start their craziness, I say my position one time and then am done. I hope you get to a place where you can do the same.
Post by theintended on Oct 14, 2012 21:33:09 GMT -5
It sucks, I know.
My mom once spent an entire birthday ranting about how it was obvious we all wanted her dead because we got her lillies, and those are funeral flowers. I was in middle school, and I picked them out. : /
My relationship has gotten better with her in recent years. Whether it's because she's in a healthier place or that I've put up more boundaries is hard to say. I hope things improve for you, too.
I think my biggest issue is my dad. I am mostly furious for him, because I know that he has to live with it all the time. Maybe I'm afraid that if we actually talked about it, that he would acknowledge how terrible it really is. Since I'm in the mood to throw it all out there, I feel like my mother is a not very nice person and that my dad deserves someone way better, but I couldn't ever actually handle that happening. Holy shit, I said it.
This is my parents. My mom is very mean to my dad and it's just getting worse. He's pretty checked out and doesn't let it bother him. Hey, whatever "works" for them, I guess. None of my business.
With regards to everything else, ditto the pps that you can only control yourself.
Post by UnderProtest on Oct 14, 2012 22:32:19 GMT -5
She does it because it works. If she doesn't get the additional attention from her tantrums then she might change. I know it's tough, but it's usually best to ignore that kind of behavior. It is just sucking energy out of you and taking it away from things that actually matter. I know how you feel, my mom is the same way. I used to care a lot more, but since the kids I don't have as much energy for her stupidness. My dad has to live with her and her antics and I do feel somewhat bad about that (especially with stuff relating to my brother). But I figure he has lived with her for 40+ years so he has a hand in her antics escalating.
You are a lot like your mom. She spent all day furious with you over a necklace and you are letting her ridiculousness ruin your daughter's first Christmas for you. You have inherited her ability to hang on to things to a dreadful degree.
That's such a good point, even though I imagine it's hard to hear. It's so important that you find a way to break this cycle before it begins affecting your daughter.
Another thing to think about is how you'll handle it if your mom starts behaving this way toward your daughter. At some point she'll be old enough to realize her grandmother's not being as nice to her as she usually is and it will be upsetting and confusing.
You are a lot like your mom. She spent all day furious with you over a necklace and you are letting her ridiculousness ruin your daughter's first Christmas for you. You have inherited her ability to hang on to things to a dreadful degree.
This is pretty harsh and misdirected.
But it is true that her mom stewed all day about nothing, and in turn so did bunchanum. Why wouldn't she want to nip that in the bud? Sue_sue can be overly harsh but I think she had a valid point here.
But it is true that her mom stewed all day about nothing, and in turn so did bunchanum. Why wouldn't she want to nip that in the bud? Sue_sue can be overly harsh but I think she had a valid point here.
It's pretty harsh when there is lots of tension between Buncha and her mom and someone says "you are a lot like her". I think it could have been better worded (maybe "it seems like you are also holding on to your feelings...")
It's really hard to accept that a parent isn't going to have the relationship you want to have with them... but life gets so much easier once you just let them be who they are and stop wishing for that imaginary TV parent that isn't nuts. I've realized that my parents' imperfections have nothing to do with me, and I don't have to engage them. My mom is pretty easy to deal with, but my dad is impossible.
Ugh, tough situation. I totally understand why you're annoyed. How would you feel if you just called her on it and said something like, "Mom I love you but you drive me up a wall when you do this." If that doesn't do anything, I would just start ignoring it.
Post by krisandgrace on Oct 15, 2012 10:21:58 GMT -5
I'm sorry, that sucks. Having a parent show their displeasure of you by ignoring is one of the most harmful forms of emotional abuse, at least according to my therapist.
I recommend talking to a councilor about it. Mine is a cognitive therapist, she has helped me better cope with my dad who has a lot of the same behavior. He no longer has the power to hurt me as he once did.
Post by whitepicketfence on Oct 15, 2012 10:40:35 GMT -5
No advice but I'm so sorry that you have to deal with your mom's crazy. It's so hard NOT to take our parents' issues personally at times, but you need to step back and realize this is all about her and not you. You did nothing wrong.
I can relate in that my dad can be downright cruel to my mom and has been for as long as I can remember. I caught the brunt of it while I was living at home but he's since redirected his misguided anger at my mom. I can vividly remember him being set off by the most trivial things, blowing up at my mom, and leaving her for several days. She'd be devastated and hurt but would always let him slink back home when he cooled down. I don't recall him ever apologizing to her. I honestly don't know why she lets this cycle continue, but I guess it's not my place to interfere. It's deeply affected me nonetheless.
My mother and I are having an issue right now similar to yours. She complained about HER mother doing these types of things and now she is turning into that.
I am trying to do things different. I am not reacting like I used to and like she does, and I've been in therapy (not to discuss this issue specifically, but I do talk about it to get advice and learn to deal with it). Take Spenjamins' and Sue Sue's advice. YOU need to make the change as much as it sucks. You can't expect someone who has a mental illness (or the signs of one) that doesn't recognize the problem to change.
Post by lurkergirl123 on Oct 15, 2012 11:49:20 GMT -5
I'm sorry.
I honestly could have written this myself. My mom is frequently irrationally upset about things. She also get infuriated if anyone gets upset about something that ISN'T irrational. It's a really fun combo.
I really appreciate the advice, even that which was harshly said. It's a valid point. I feel a lot better today, even though mom hasn't called me back. Ill just ignore her until this blows over and then trying being direct next time.