I need to vent about my mom.

[missajane]

Oct 15, 2012 11:51:02 GMT -5 bunch said:

I really appreciate the advice, even that which was harshly said. It's a valid point. I feel a lot better today, even though mom hasn't called me back. Ill just ignore her until this blows over and then trying being direct next time.

I just want to hug you right now. Honestly. You deserve it.

[clickerish]

I'm sorry. My mother is bi-polar, and it took me years to recognise that her behaviour was rarely my fault, that no matter what I did, it wasn't enough. That my father chose to stay with a really mean person, but it wasn't my responsibility. Stepping off that crazy train was hard--it took time. I also used to be super sensitive because that's how she trained me. On the plus side, I am learning to be otherwise, so you seem like you're taking great steps to not be like this with your daughter. For that you should be recommended!

[SusanBAnthony]

Oct 14, 2012 21:01:37 GMT -5 bunch said:

I think my biggest issue is my dad. I am mostly furious for him, because I know that he has to live with it all the time. Maybe I'm afraid that if we actually talked about it, that he would acknowledge how terrible it really is. Since I'm in the mood to throw it all out there, I feel like my mother is a not very nice person and that my dad deserves someone way better, but I couldn't ever actually handle that happening. Holy shit, I said it.

This is my parents, but in reverse.

I had a sort if come to Jesus this summer about it (with myself) and my siblings and I all talked about it quite a bit.

We all tell our mom that we are supportive. We call our dad on it when he acts like a jerk (in person when we visit). Not much else we can do.

A good friend of mine is going through with her mom the ignoring calls/emails/etc and it is totally a emotional mind game. Her mom is trying to guilt her into doing what she wants. My friend is working very hard to out her immediate family first and not put up with crap from her mom, but it is really hard. You are not the only one!

[huey]

Are we sisters? My mom does the exact same shit. Maybe not over shirts, but over petty shit like it. And it is a total mindfuck.

I will go so far out of my way to find out why she's upset, I need a passport. It might not even have anything to do with it and I will over compensate to make it better.

I totally get it. It sucks. But they are our moms and we love them, right? :S

[livinitup]

Oct 14, 2012 20:52:15 GMT -5 bunch said:

Or something. Usually for just a few days at a time, but always set off by something my dad, sis or I do.

THIS. The bold part.

This is what you need to see correctly - she does NOT go into these moods because someone else has done something to cause it. She goes into these moods because SHE is a person who reacts to the world in a very dysfunctional way. This is ALLL about her and is NOT about you, your father or your sister. It may or may not be something someone can diagnos and treat but it is entirely something that is all about HER.

It is completely and utterly absurd to expect your grown daughter to comply with your orders of a dress code, including accessories for an adult, family function. You are not an apendage of hers, an extension of body that must comply with her wishes. You are a separate person. And to ignore you, for a perceived slight or impertenous is a reflection of HER dysfuction, not any flaw from you.

I know this thinking flies in the face of EVERYTHING you have been taught growing up - by both your mother and father - but it is the only way to see things clearly enough to disengage from her brutish and controlling behavior which leaves you feeling sucker punched and irritated.


Oh, and as long as you continue to cave to her, she will continue to do this. You don't think she enjoyed the FIVE phone calls she got on her anniversary? The constant "checking-in" to wish her well? How about the sense of power she felt at ignoring you at your IL's party? Way to make herself front and center in your eyes at a party where she was not supposed to be front and center. If it wasn't the necklace, it would have been something that day - you know that.

The way she treates you is her fault. Not yours.

[insominac]

Wow. So sorry for you and all of the other MMers who've had a similar upbringing.

I agree with all that's been posted here, but wanted to add that you should give yourself permission to take a break from her crazy. Focus on your own daughter and husband, spend time with friends... Disengage from your mother and don't get caught up in her cycle - its not healthy for either of you. Recognize her for who she is and adjust your expectations accordingly.

[DarcyLongfellow]

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this :-(

I've had similar issues with my mom -- not the ignoring, but the grown woman throwing a tantrum. I also feel like I have to move heaven and earth and inconvenience the hell out of everyone else just to make my mom .01% happier. I've realized that, while my mom did have some issues of her own, a lot of it was my stuff. I had to learn to NOT cater to her moods and to put my little family first.

Can you call her on her behavior? My family is very indirect -- I could never have imagined being direct with my mom. But I've learned to, and it really does help. Could you say, "mom, when you ignore my phone calls, it hurts my feelings. If you are upset with me, I'd appreciate it if you would discuss it with me like an adult. Otherwise, you're just trying to guilt trip me, and I'm not going to feel guilty when I did nothing wrong.". Or, "mom, I'm sorry that I forgot to wear the necklace that you got me, but your behavior is inappropriate. Please stop acting like a child. When you're ready to apologize to me, I'll be happy to talk to you."