Update and Intro

[DirtyMartini]

So I posted last week that my DH and I are separated but still living in the house that we rent until June (when the lease is up), you can read more here

pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=so&action=display&thread=72482

Well yesterday I pretty much found out he was cheating on me. He never denied seeing someone (didn't admit to it, to be clear) but did say he has never committed "adultery." When I found out, I took the kids and left for most of the day. I spent that day with a good friend, talked to my parents and other friends, trying to figure out what I was going to do.

Later in the afternoon, DH texted saying he still thought we should get a dissolution over a divorce, saying that he deserved seeing the kids 50% of the time. Say what motherfucker? Not only do you cheat on me, but when you are home you play video games, and/or let me do all the cooking, cleaning, bathing, making of appointments, etc. You are completely removed from our lives. Your idea of spending time with your daughter is taking her to the gym daycare so someone else can watch her. Yeah, I don't think we'll be getting a dissolution. And, seriously, it's not because I'm bitter or trying to be vindicitive, but I do not think that is in the best interest of the kids.

I am so angry right now. I am hurt and humiliated, and I don't want to go home and deal with him after work. I am working out the logisitics of who stays where, hoping that my attorney will get a temporary order asking him to leave. I have a lot to do on my list today.

Man, I feel sick today, sick to my stomach.

[doriswe]

Oh honey....I'm soooo sorry this is happening to you. Unfortunately, you're not alone. There are a lot of women here (and JM too) who had a cheating spouse and it's devastating.

I'm glad you have a lawyer and will be speaking with him/her. I'd also strongly recommend a counselor to help you sort out your feelings while you are on this roller coaster (I don't think you were seeing anyone, correct?).

When I confirmed my XH was cheating....well after the initial "I can't function" wore off....I posted here a lot and on survivinginfidelity.com. Both of these things helped me sort things out (in addition to an amazing counselor). In the end, my XH's affair and our divorce was one of the best things that could have happened to me....I just couldn't see it at the time.

((hugs))

[DirtyMartini]

Thank you, Doris, that means a lot to me...all of your responses.

I have seen a counselor, but not for about a month. Today I have a lot of phone calls to be making, and that is one of them. I will also be checking out that website.

I just don't get it, you know? Like, how could someone do this to someone else? I know it happens all the time, and why should I be any different, but man it is a kick in the gut. I am sitting at my desk, trying not to cry, trying not to throw up. It's so fucking surreal.

[doriswe]

Oct 15, 2012 7:37:50 GMT -5 DirtyMartini said:

I just don't get it, you know? Like, how could someone do this to someone else? I know it happens all the time, and why should I be any different, but man it is a kick in the gut. I am sitting at my desk, trying not to cry, trying not to throw up. It's so fucking surreal.

It will never make sense, as much as you'd like it to, there will never be an explaination that will make sense. One of the things I had to do is accept that fact, because I just wanted to know "why".....but there was never a good reason for the "why".

You'll get through this, I swear! It's hard as hell, but you've got us and we're pretty cool

Can you take the day off? I didn't work for days after the initial shock.

[DirtyMartini]

Weeks and weeks ago I had requested to take tomorrow off. Some friends and I are taking our kids to the pumpkin patch. I plan on taking the kids to the sitter in the morning and getting stuff done (new bank acct, packing up photos, etc) and continuing with my plans with friends.

Plus DH (STBX, I guess) has the day off. I don't want to be home with that asshole right now anyhow.

I'm doing all right so far. I feel sick and shaky, but I teach HS and the kids are keeping me busy in a good way.

[prettyinpearls]

If you think your H will fight you for custody, you need to start documenting everything. Hell, even if you think he’s just blowing smoke up your ass, document EVERYTHING. When XH and I first separated and before he moved out of the marital home, I would track when he left for work & when he got home (since he was saying he wanted 50/50 custody of our then 8 month old DS, but yet he was gone be 6:45am and didn’t get home until like 7-7:30). Make notes every day of his interaction and involvement with your children, what he does to help with them (or not), etc. After you physically separate, keep notes of how often he tries to contact his kids, any visitation he misses/is late for/tries switching, etc. Nothing is too mundane to keep a record of.

If you haven’t already, start getting copies of any and all financial documents, even if they’re only in his name. This will make things go a lot easier when you file for divorce in case he’s difficult and do doesn’t want to provide his information. Mortgage papers, loans, bank statements, credit card statements, 401k/retirement accounts, car titles, etc.

The first few weeks to a month are super hard. It’s like everything is changing in an instant you’re expected to immediately adapt. Of course you’re not going to be able to do that – take the time you need to get your head back on straight and find a great support system. I didn’t tell anyone IRL what was going on right away because I was foolishly trying to save face for XH if we happened to work things out. I regret doing that, however, I did have an awesome online support system in the old Single Parents board (it used to be really active) and with my old Nestie anniversary ladies (I’m still super close with them).

[awick14]

I'm sorry you are going through this. ((Hugs))

The woman here are awesome.

[DirtyMartini]

Oct 15, 2012 7:53:30 GMT -5 prettyinpearls said:

If you think your H will fight you for custody, you need to start documenting everything. Hell, even if you think he’s just blowing smoke up your ass, document EVERYTHING. When XH and I first separated and before he moved out of the marital home, I would track when he left for work & when he got home (since he was saying he wanted 50/50 custody of our then 8 month old DS, but yet he was gone be 6:45am and didn’t get home until like 7-7:30). Make notes every day of his interaction and involvement with your children, what he does to help with them (or not), etc. After you physically separate, keep notes of how often he tries to contact his kids, any visitation he misses/is late for/tries switching, etc. Nothing is too mundane to keep a record of.

I have already started do this, but I will make sure that I start making more detailed notes! He wants 50/50 custody, and says getting a divorce is "making things nasty" when a dissolution would have just made things so much easier.

Ladies, thank you all for your advice and kind words. I never wanted to be part of this board, but here I am. :-(

[lookingup]

I'm so sorry, DM. ((hugs))

[Deleted]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know it's surreal and an emotional roller coaster. Take your time and do all the things you need to do. It will get easier with time.

[becwheat]

PIP had some good advice. This is another reason I think moving out is the best thing to do. Your feelings (while justified of course) will only grow worse if you have to see his face every day.

PLUS! If he wants 50/50 make him prove it. Basically if you move out it will be on him to make time to see his children. I would never say you should keep them away from their father, I do not think that is healthy, but he is an adult and if he wants to see his kids he can make an effort. You make the effort every day. He might tell the court that he saw his kids every single day and though you document it otherwise the fact that you are living together makes it harder for the court to believe... KWIM??

I am sorry you are going through this. I know it is hard, but you will get through this.

[wrathofkuus]

I think that to an extent, it's fine to be vindictive.

[bullygirl979]

Oct 15, 2012 10:14:46 GMT -5 wrathofkuus said:

I think that to an extent, it's fine to be vindictive.

Not regarding the kids, though.