This is kind of a long whine. (I am bummed out.)

[Susie]

Usually I'm pretty good at getting myself out of funks, but this one is just eluding me. I feel really frustrated with a lot of things in my life, and my usual tactics aren't working for me.

Nothing that I'm dealing with is that novel, it's just feeling collectively really heavy right now:

- My mom's health. At the midway point in this course of chemo, they determined that the progression of the tumors had stopped, but they weren't shrinking. She's continuing in the course through Dec., but it's all really unknown what happens next.

- Petty financial frustrations. We're out a couple grand for tuition for a (college) class Calvin's taking this year, that his job is supposed to reimburse, but it's been a few months and nothing. I'm concerned we're eating this. He had a parking lot mishap a few weeks ago that we paid for OOP (for the other car - $1200). Then he had a piece of debris fly up and shatter the side mirror on Friday while driving through an interstate work zone. Another $225 for a new mirror. I feel nickeled and dimed to death. (Maybe five'd and ten'ed...)

- The foregoing is eating into our ability to aggressively pay off SLs, which is the big "pre-kid" thing that we need to do.

- It seems like everyone and their sister IRL (almost all younger than me) is announcing a pregnancy. I recognize the pre-kid goals that we have, but at the same time wish I were there too. Reasons keep coming up to push it off, and off.

- The puppy didn't work out with our family/existing dogs this weekend. I'd been really hoping for that as a bright spot. We really want a 2nd dog but don't currently have a plan for one.

- Work is also frustrating for a number of reasons related to career progression.

- My usual way to deal with slumps is sports or home improvement projects, but those are also going badly. Fall backpacking has mostly been rained out. I can't throw myself into running because I'm just coming back after an injury. Our current home improvement project (a powder room gut & rebuild) has been ongoing since July and has been riddled with problems every step of the way. I'm so.fucking.over.it.

I've had a few bright points too, mostly doing things for other people. I cheered for a friend at her marathon, and that was lots of fun. I visited my mom for her birthday this weekend. But I keep coming back to feeling really down. What do you do when that happens and the usual perk ups don't work?

[vanillacourage]

Can you and your DH find a weekend to do an inexpensive local getaway? Finding a way to push "restart" helps me.

[Deleted]

Volunteering (like you said, helping people = bright spot) and gratitude journalling (I try to write 3 things I'm grateful for daily, but if I'm feeling like life sucks I'll push it to more).

Could you volunteer with a dog rescue or the SPCA and cuddle puppies and kittens?

RE: the baby stuff, I'd probably take a looooong hard look at whether the pre-baby goals are 100% necessary, or if they could be moved up a few months. We weren't in the PERFECT place for a baby, just a "we'll survive" place. And if the answer is that yes, you need to get things 100% where you're aiming for, then just try to be grateful for the ability to plan for a baby and not have to deal with a surprise that would be really hard to manage financially.

[noodleoo]

Vacation. I know you probably don't want to spend money right now, but can you go away for a weekend, cheap hotel and spend like $200? It is worth it. Or at least, a nice dinner out with hubby and a movie or some other thing that you enjoy.

When I feel overwhelmed with life, getting away and having fun is what I need. You have a lot goign on, you need to take some time to do something purely to make you happy.

And I agree about the baby thing. Other people who are having kids now are probably in similar situations to you, they just decided to go for it anyway. How old are you? If you really want to wait to pay down debt, then you need to own that decision and be okay with it. But if it is bothering you, maybe it is not worth waiting and you need to reevaluate your plan and see if you can move up your timeline. On this front, you are in control and if you are unhappy about a decision you are making, you have the power to change that.

[raangoli]

I think the best thing to do is take some time out for yourself like the others have said. You really sound like you need a break. I like the idea of a quick get away or a nice night out with your husband.

And I think noodleoo summed up the point re: starting a family nicely.

[Susie]

The degree of "need" related to kids and financial goals is hard for me to look at objectively. I will be the first to admit that.

Part of my problem is that my idea of what we need to accomplish to comfortably afford kids keeps evolving. First I thought I'd be ok with kids when we had a 3-month e-fund. Then we saved a 3-month e-fund and I felt just as insecure as I did before I had it. (We've been in aggressive SL payoff mode, hence the modest e-fund.)

It is true that daycare will be tight. Paying off a couple more loans will free up very useful dollars each month to cover that. I also want to save up some money so I can take a few weeks of unpaid time after the baby if I feel I need to. My firm only gives 6 weeks, at about half pay.

I also really want to make partner before I get pregnant because I'm pretty concerned that if I don't, I won't make it after. That's the career progression thing. In my review this year I was told that I'm on track, and there are "no red flags," but they don't plan to promote according to the schedule in the employee handbook. I should be up this summer, but now it's not tied to any timeline. They're going to do a class of new partners with varied years in, at some undetermined point in the "near" future. The only assured thing about that is that "near" has no actual meaning. I feel like it's completely out of my hands/control. I don't want to eff up something I've otherwise earned, but I can't wait on it forever.

So it seems like although there's no single thing that's a MUST WAIT re: kids, there's an awful lot that makes waiting more seem like a good idea. We'd been planning to TTC next fall, shortly before I turn 32. I just feel very "on hold" right now.

[winnied]

Oct 15, 2012 10:54:18 GMT -5 vanillacourage said:

Can you and your DH find a weekend to do an inexpensive local getaway? Finding a way to push "restart" helps me.

This is a great idea. I'm sorry things are craptastic right now.

[ESF]

I really applaud your financial discipline and your abilities to set these kinds of goals and work so hard to meet them.

But, if you keep moving the goal post for when you will feel comfortable to have kids, you will never have them. I say this because this dream of perfect financial security before kids seems to be a theme through your posts throughout the years. I think nearly all parents will tell you that things weren't 100% perfect financially and professionally when they made the decision, but it worked out.

Instead of thinking of reasons to wait to start TTC, are there also reasons to have kids right now? Are those reasons better than the ones to wait?

I'm really sorry you are going through a rough time right now, and I hope things start to look up for your mom. I also think you should try to find time to treat yourself. Hugs.

[hannamaren]

I know your Mom's health news isnt good, but it isnt bad either. Sometimes that is the best you can get.

If you really want to wait to have kids, just remember having the youngest kid of all the friends is fun too. You get all the good hand me downs and all the good advice. This is us with my two bffs. They have 3 yr olds and we have an almost 1 yr old. She was outfitted until 6 mths by my one friend. And she was given never used toys and gear.

[isabel]

I recently had a conversation re: kids/finances with my mom. She said that she has never regretted not moving further in her professional career (original goal was to make partner at her firm), that having kids outweighed any desire for career advancement. She obviously continued to work hard and she's on the partner track at her current firm, but it was never a deal breaker for her.

Just something to consider. I think there are a million reasons to put off having kids, but sometimes you just have to go with what feels right and not stress about the little things. If you're financially able to handle it, you might reconsider your pro/con list.

[pitterwoo]

Oct 15, 2012 11:26:33 GMT -5 Susie said:

So it seems like although there's no single thing that's a MUST WAIT re: kids, there's an awful lot that makes waiting more seem like a good idea. We'd been planning to TTC next fall, shortly before I turn 32. I just feel very "on hold" right now.

just wanted to say that I really relate to that feeling too. And just to raise my hand as someone who's not pregnant. It feels like everyone around me is too. Hopefully we can try soon, but not really sure.

[krystee]

That sounds like a whole lot of stuff to deal with when you look at it all together. No wonder you are in a funk! Hugs.

I think it's okay to just take a day and completely wallow in it. Then start taking some small actions in each category. For instance, Calvin could schedule a meeting with his boss to ask about the reimbursement. You could do a very small house project to make yourself feel like something is accomplished, rather than focusing on a huge, seemingly never-ending project. Make a list of a few fun things to do with your mom and call her and get excited about them together (or make a photo book of your Ireland trip if she's not up to doing anything). Go to a shelter this weekend with your dog so you can find the right fit and pick from a number of dogs (unless you are set on a golden retriever, in which case I assume you need a breed-specific rescue). And sit down together to reevaluate what is absolutely critical to do before TTC and what can be amended.

I am in the same place re: TTC, and I went from being really excited when people announced to coming perilously close to bursting into tears. It's awful. We aren't in nearly as good a place as you are financially, but we are going to sacrifice some of what we wanted to do and move forward in the near future.

Good luck with everything!

[Deleted]

When I get into that type of funk, I try to plan a little weekend away. Just the anticipation of it lifts my mood. Since money might be an issue, can you plan a "staycation" with your H? Maybe do some touristy things in your town that you haven't gotten to yet or put together some things to do at home that are completely fun and frivolous?

[birdmom]

DH and I had a financial goal in mind that dictated when we TTC. We had a difficult time reaching that goal, and decided to go ahead and start trying anyway. We knew we could afford it, but, like you, wanted to feel completely secure in our decision. We took a leap of faith and ended up getting pregnant on the first cycle. I was on short term disability, so 6 weeks of 60% pay, but long story short, it ended up working out for us. Your concerns re: becoming a partner would make me think twice, too, though. Sorry that you are having a difficult time. Maybe just take a day and do something fun for yourself.

[Susie]

Oct 15, 2012 13:08:09 GMT -5 birdmom said:

Your concerns re: becoming a partner would make me think twice, too, though.

Honestly I think it gives me even more pause than the actual finances do.

Everyone is right that although I would have to make compromises, we could swing the kid thing now, financially. Especially because even after I got pregnant, I'd still have 9 more months to save up and pay things off! I'm just really hesitant to jeopardize my career that way. It isn't right, but it just IS, that my firm will probably not make a mom a partner. So the uncertainty on partnership time frame is hard for me to deal with and plan around. Next fall was about when I was thinking I'd hit the "if it hasn't happened, I need to stop waiting on it and move on with my life" point. Then just delay announcing as long as possible and hope.

and pitterbull, thanks - in some weird way it helps to hear that.

[80sjunkie]

Susie I don't blame you for being more concerned about becoming partner than your actual finances. We are waiting until my tenure packet is submitted to start trying and I couldn't imagine not having a specific date for that. Are you by chance the only female associate? I'm not in law so I may be completely off base but it seems strange to set an ambiguous goal for your associates, I almost wonder if there's a reason for it.

[Deleted]

I have found lately that hanging out with my good friends with 2 small children is a good birth control.

One child is just too cute and appealing. 2 or more is good birth control, making me treasure my quiet time and freedom to do adult things whenever I like.

And of course I enjoy having had the time with the friends. I'm just really happy to go home after a few hours:)

[Susie]

Oct 15, 2012 21:16:36 GMT -5 80sjunkie said:

Susie I don't blame you for being more concerned about becoming partner than your actual finances. We are waiting until my tenure packet is submitted to start trying and I couldn't imagine not having a specific date for that. Are you by chance the only female associate? I'm not in law so I may be completely off base but it seems strange to set an ambiguous goal for your associates, I almost wonder if there's a reason for it.

I am the only female associate who is on partner track. There is one other female associate at the firm; she's 2-3 years behind me and pregnant, with no partnership ambitions. We also had one who had a couple kids while she was at our firm. She left this summer after sufficient time had passed that it was clear that she wasn't going to make partner. The three of us are the only female associates the firm has had. (It's a small firm, about 20 current attorneys.)

Having an ambiguous timeline sucks. I mean, it sucks even without the pregnancy situation -- I find it hard to be motivated to work my ass off for an undetermined period of time in the run up to something that might happen at any point or no point. It makes one feel very out of control of one's own career path. That alone is probably cause for a slump in my job satisfaction.

I sort of get why they do it. Apparently the paperwork involved with adding to the partnership is a nightmare, and they prefer to do a new "class" of a couple partners at a time, less frequently. It has been a number of years since the last partners were added.

I really think they have never given a second thought to how mentally exhausting the uncertainty is for associates. They're not great with matters of morale. They definitely have never given a thought or care to how it would affect someone of childbearing age and inclination.

[Deleted]

I'm sorry. I can understand-- I dont have an exact timeline either- they tell me once I bring in enough business (in 2-3 years probably) I will make partner. And we also want another kid, so that kid of screws things up too- since last time I was pg, I definitely was not on my "A" game (but I was at a different firm. However, I think my pregnancy played a role in my layoff). I'm scared that having another kid will push this timeline back, or not happen at all.

So no advice but I definitely sympathize