One Child or Two?

[pomplemousse]

Hi Ladies,

I'm a longtime lurker and you ladies seem to give good advice. I am 30 and have a 2 1/2 year old daughter. I am having a really rough time deciding whether or not to have a second child. My husband has said he would be happy either way but sees the pros of having only one. I SAH and would be caring for the kids myself. I had a pretty rough time when DD was a newborn and said I didn't want to do it again, but now am having second thoughts. (H is an only and I have a sibling).

We are happy with our life as it is now, but I wonder if I would regret not having another child later in life. We want to be able to provide for our daughter, travel, maintain the relationship between my H and I etc. and worry that a second child would restrict this.

Ultimately, I know that it is a decision that can only be made by my H and I, but if anyone has any advice on mothering an only vs. multiple kids, or how you came to a decision, I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks!

[ijack]

I think it's really something you only know in your heart of hearts. Just like deciding to have a child, making the decision to have a 2nd isn't something you do on paper.
Having a 2nd child is a lot of work, but it's also amazing. I don't regret our decision at all, but some people are really happy with only one.

[hannamaren]

I am going through this.
I know a second will mean a year or three of total exhaustion and harder work. But then, the payoff could be amazing.
It would cost more but the nanny will seem cheaper. (not applicable to you for childcare, but other costs)
What if my next pregnancy is horrible?
What if my only child gets ill? I would want another child to snuggle with if anything happened to the other one.
They would have each other to play with, or fight with. You can do more with one kid.

It goes on and one
I asked my H to weigh in on his feelings a few weeks ago. I said I was 80% sold on having a second. He said he was about 25% sold. We will see how time goes by.

The good thing is that I wont feel like I made a mistake if I just have one. I can die peacefully at age 110 with my choice.

[GailGoldie]

for us it wasn't a decision to make- we both always wanted 2-3 kids. We thought 3 was perfect but with my age and IF issues, we were only going to try one more time... and we got twins, so we have 3

Watching my boys interact melts my heart - they are so good to each other (and also beat the shit out of each other)... they have buddies around all the time to play with.... and right now dealing with my parents and DH's mom aging/getting ill- it's SOOOO nice to have siblings to help each other. I know not all siblings get along or will help out, etc- but in our cases, we all get along and we all do help. I can't imagine life without my siblings - and can't imagine having an only child (by choice... if we couldn't have b/c of IF we would have dealt with it).

but that's us. again- was never a decision- we always just knew.

good luck with your decision!

[mollybrown]

This is so individual. Of course more than one kid is more work having just one. But you also get twice the hugs and kisses

How did your husband feel being an only child? How did you like having a sibling? I am an only child and hated it, so I knew I wanted more than one child. DH had siblings and loved it, so of course he agreed. Plenty of people loved being an only child, and that would color their decision. I also feel that I would be a bad mother to an only child. I worry a lot and have helicopter mom tendencies, so I feel that my children will be better off with siblings so that I have less time to fuss over each of them.

I have always known in my heart that I wanted more than one, so the decision was very easy for me. If I was on the fence, I'd probably not have a second.

[h]

I feel like parenting two kids is like three times as much work and ten times as much fun as parenting one kid. Watching the interaction between the two of them is far and away one of my favorite parts of parenting.

That said, I agree that this is ultimately largely a decision of the heart, with some necessary consideration to your ability to provide for more than one kid, financially and otherwise.

[noodleoo]

I'm not sure anyone can really give you the insight you are looking for. It is such a personal decision. I will say that my H and I both have siblings (both families with 3 kids). Our sibling relationships are generally very good, and both of us agree that if we have kids, we want more than 1 because we want our kids to have siblings. I know that experience with siblings ranges and some people don't get along with theirs, but our siblings have added so much to our lives that we definitely want our kids to have that too. Especially for later in life.

Since your H is an only, he has a unique perspective. Just keep talking about it. I think keeping an open conversation with each other, with time you'll know in your heart what you each want.

[pomplemousse]

Oct 15, 2012 13:57:22 GMT -5 hannamaren said:

I am going through this.
I know a second will mean a year or three of total exhaustion and harder work. But then, the payoff could be amazing.
It would cost more but the nanny will seem cheaper. (not applicable to you for childcare, but other costs)
What if my next pregnancy is horrible?
What if my only child gets ill? I would want another child to snuggle with if anything happened to the other one.
They would have each other to play with, or fight with. You can do more with one kid.

It goes on and one
I asked my H to weigh in on his feelings a few weeks ago. I said I was 80% sold on having a second. He said he was about 25% sold. We will see how time goes by.

The good thing is that I wont feel like I made a mistake if I just have one. I can die peacefully at age 110 with my choice.

This exactly. I think about it all the time. There are so many questions and uncertainties. We both enjoy our alone time, but the joy our daughter brings us is amazing. It's so hard.

My H is happy being an only child. He has never wished for siblings. My brother is 6 years older than me and we fought a lot. We are not super close, but get along well and I am thankful to have him in my life.

Thank you all for your responses:) I know I will continue to think about it and hopefully be at peace with whatever decision we end up making.

[beefjerky]

Going from one to two is definitely a ton of work - but so worth it if that's what you want to do. Of course, no one can answer these questions for you but we can provide perspective I'm an only and knew right away we would have more than one (we have a 7 y/o, 5 y/o and one more on the way). I didn't hate being an only child but I certainly wished I had a sibling growing up and even more so now as I continue to age. DH has one brother and would have been ok only having one kiddo.

[ssmjlm]

We've always been a one and done, but I'm 30 and DH is 39 and for him, I know that finances and age are playing a big factor.

Friends went through the 1/2 debate when their first was about 3 and decided that they liked the way things were with the 3 of them and didn't want to upset the balance they had found with another. They are also DH's age, so the clock was ticking for them.

I truly think it depends on what you want and how children have affected your life. We have friends who thought they wanted large families only to have 1 child totally tear their marriage open and cause a lot of stress.

[birdmom]

We are one and done, for a few reasons, one of them being financially. I feel like we would struggle if we had another, and we like our dynamic the way it is now.

I had a very easy pregnancy, but struggled with PPD. Thinking about having another one scares me. So, for now, we are happy with our one

[livinitup]

We're one and done. I don't know how anyone picks the perfect number of children for them but this is really great for us.

[Deleted]

We have three kids and I am pretty sure we are done. I always knew that I wanted to have more than one. We had a very hard time with DS1 when he was an infant (colic, reflux, hardly ever slept) and I still knew that we would have more. We wanted our children to grow up with siblings and to have that type of family life. It's not for everyone but it's what we wanted. We didn't feel that our family was complete when we only had one or two.

FWIW, I thought the transition from 0-1 was by far and away harder than 1-2 or 2-3 because by then we had some experience and felt more confident. Parenting another child is always going to be more work just because you have more needs that you have to meet. But, as you already know, it gets progressively easier as they grow up and become more independent. And it's great when they reach the age where they can start to play together and entertain each other. I love seeing the relationship develop between my sons and to hear the little conversations they have. It's really cute.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

[sweetnsour]

We both knew we wanted more than one. I wanted two and my husband wanted three. Having two is a lot of work but I love watching them together. I hope they always get along and look out for each other. Due to miserable pregnancies, csections, patience and financial reasons, we are not having a third.

[whitepicketfence]

For us, the decision to have a second child was easy. We always knew that we wanted at least 2 children; I was an only child (I have half brothers but didn't really know them until I was a teenager) and hated it while DH is the youngest of 6 kids and loved it.

Going from one child to two was difficult in the beginning but we've adjusted. I love seeing my girls interact with each other. They can fight like crazy one minute and then be all snuggly and giggly with each other the next. Having two kids is a lot more work and much more expensive, but they've also brought us twice the joy.

I will say that we're currently on the fence about a third child. I feel like another child would mean a major financial adjustment for us and I'm just not sure how it would all work out. I'd love another baby but I'm also perfectly content with the two I have now.

[mswax]

While this should not be the sole factor in deciding to have more children, you may want to consider this. I am an only child. My mom was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer when I was 28 years old, and passed away 15 months later. Never had I longed for a sibling more than I do now. I have no one with shared memories from growing up now. My parents divorced when I was young, and my dad was never around much even when they were married.

I think having had a sibling to share both the good and bad times of life would have been nice. However, I understand this could be romanticized perception of an only child.

[dochas]

We're only having 1 child and I really love this article that I read recently
www.huffingtonpost.com/francine-jay/is-one-child-enough_b_1949798.html

Having more children would definitely limit our travels and other things we like to do. And there would certainly be less time for each other. But I also could not stand the constant fighting and bickering. Living with 10 years of battling for the possibility that they might be friends one day just isn't worth it to me. I know we're happy now. I don't know how things would be with more.

There is no guarantee with siblings. And when they don't care about you it's really, really painful. I love 2 of my siblings. I have 5.

[Deleted]

There is no right or wrong here, so it's tough to give advice. I'm an only child, and my parents say that not having another is their biggest regret. That said, they have been able to provide a lot of things to me that I wouldn't have had with a sibling. I also felt very sad when my grandparents died and saw how my dad and his three siblings supported each other through it, reminisced about childhood and told old stories about their parents, etc. This made me realize that I'll be going through that alone and that makes me really sad. Of course, my dad happens to have a great relationship with his siblings, and that is never a guarantee. My mom has one sibling who is seriously evil, has contributed nothing but pain and grief to the family, and we will likely never hear from her again now that my grandparents are gone. Going to their funerals and dealing with their deaths was a nightmare with her around. So, even if I had a sibling it doesn't mean I'd have the great, supportive bonding experience with them when my parents die that my dad experienced with his siblings.

I realize that my ramblings are likely no help at all. DH and I have always known we wanted a big family, with him wanting 3 kids and me wanting 4, so this isn't a question we really struggle with.

ETA: I loved growing up as an only child and never wanted a sibling until I became an adult. When I went to friend's homes, their houses were full of so much yelling and chaos from fighting with siblings, and my house was always nice and calm.

[heygrey]

Oct 15, 2012 16:04:28 GMT -5 dochas said:

We're only having 1 child and I really love this article that I read recently
www.huffingtonpost.com/francine-jay/is-one-child-enough_b_1949798.html

Having more children would definitely limit our travels and other things we like to do. And there would certainly be less time for each other. But I also could not stand the constant fighting and bickering. Living with 10 years of battling for the possibility that they might be friends one day just isn't worth it to me. I know we're happy now. I don't know how things would be with more.

There is no guarantee with siblings. And when they don't care about you it's really, really painful. I love 2 of my siblings. I have 5.

Was totally going to link this article. We were undecided, but leaning strongly towards one. The article helped articulate some of my feelings, namely that I can't imagine myself with more than one and neither can h. That realization made us a lot more confident in that decision.

[galaxy8227]

I would be content with being one and done but DH feels very stronly about having a second one. i feel very blessed wtih having such an awesome kid that i'm afraid number 2 will be the devil!

[hannamaren]

That article was interesting. Thanks for sharing. It surprises me that single child families are the fastest growing since all my close friends have 2 or 3.

[evynsmama]

I was so traumatized by the birth of my daughter that I said I would never do it again. But then some time passed I realized what didn't go right with L&D the first time I can ensure doesn't happen the second time. I think about how much fun having a sibling is and how I don't want her to miss out on that or when we are dead and gone I want her to have a sibling for support. However with our IF we may only ever be blessed with one and I am fine with that but I want to atleast try. I'm scared about so many things, L&D, work-life balance with 2, will I ever love another child this much? It is scary but I know we can do it and DH is so excited to have another one.

[shell403b]

I'm 90% sure we're one and done (AMA is one of the reasons, I have a genetic disorder--that is another).

Although some days when I'm feeling particular happy about Little E and think about having another, I wonder if I'll regret not having a 2nd. I'm of the mindset that you regret the things you don't do rather than the things you do do.

Here's a better link
www.huffingtonpost.com/francine-jay/is-one-child-enough_b_1949798.html

[Deleted]

Oct 15, 2012 14:24:54 GMT -5 jenny1980 said:

Just like the decision to have kids at all, I assumed I could be happy either way. Having another sounded fun, so we went for it.

This was exactly us, both times. I didn't feel like either #1 or #2 would make or break my happiness either way, and neither did DH.

Ultimately I realized I never felt really "settled" when I thought about us as a family of 3. I don't want to say I felt like something was missing from my life because it feels very complete with just the 3 of us, but the fact that we kept going back to the idea of having another was evidence enough that we wanted one, and here we are.

[jinkies]

We really struggled with the decision to have a second. I had a miserable first pregnancy, then our baby was colicky basically until he became mobile, and I struggled with loneliness and ppd.

As he grew, though, I started to worry that being the center of everyone's universe was not going to do him any favors. We live very close to both sets of our parents and our siblings, and the world revolved around him.

Also, neither of our siblings will ever have kids, so we knew he would never even have any cousins. The idea of him being the only one of his generation in our family just seemed so lonely to me.

We ultimately decided on a second, and I'm so glad we did. One of the unexpected joys of having a second is getting to see our first in the role of big brother. He's amazing.

I would be a lying liar who lies if I said it was easy, but our kids are almost 4 years apart, so we didn't have nearly as much trouble transitioning from one to 2 kids as some of our friends with closer spacing did.

Having said all this, obviously there is no one size fits all. And, to be honest, if our either of our siblings would have had children that our son could have grown up with, we almost definitely have stopped at one.

[sarahlindsay]

We are in the same place as you (have a 2+ year old and are considering whether to have another) - we're both still undecided, and have been for a while, and right now we're leaning toward having another. It's such a difficult decision for me, though - we're into a good place in life and I know having another will totally throw things back into chaos for at least a while.

Anyway, you are not alone!

[anna7602]

We struggled with this for a while. We decided to wait and sit with our thoughts instead of rushing into TTC again when we weren't sure. When DD was around 3, I suddenly felt I that I wanted to have another. It took DH a while longer to come around and some days I still think he'd be more comfortable with being one and done.

I honestly have no idea what changed in me. I just woke up one day and said, yes, I want to do this again. And I kept feeling that way for more than a year.

We're trying to TTC # 2 now. DD is 4.5 years old.

[reason2believe]

I'm a mom to two and love it. Best thing we did. We hesitated a bit on having #2 because baby #1 was colicky and HARD. But this one is a dream and we are loving it. Good luck to you!

[papie]

I hate the newborn stage. I wouldn't let that guide your decision, those few months go by fast. I'm having a third. I love having two, they have so much fun together.

[janehickey]

We were in the middle of our one-and-done discussion when we found out we were pregnant with Silas. It was very overwhelming and I was overly emotional about the pregnancy for the longest time. We eventually started to realize that the pregnancy was bringing our family closer together.

Honestly, I was fine with having one child but then Silas happened and I am so consumed with happiness for my family. H and I both have siblings and I'm glad that our kids while have that relationship and sibling bond.

Now that our second son is here, H has started mentioning a third. I just laugh in his face and tell him we need to get through the newborn stage first before that will even be an option. If we do have a third, I'd like a bigger age gap- at least to where both boys are fairly independent.