Are we supposed to send thank yous after a funeral

[Awkward]

Everyone who attended?! Absolutely not. We've only sent them to people who sent flowers, made food for us, people who went out of their way to help. My mom's family likes to send thank you notes to guests who traveled an especially long way (airplane, etc) but I haven't heard of that being mandatory.

Sorry for your loss.

[Deleted]

We've always sent them to everyone who signed the book and those who sent things.

[h]

To people who sent food or flowers or donated money, yes. To attendees, no.

[heygrey]

If you have the inclination, yes to the people who sent things or helped out in a big way, but hells no to everyone who attended.

The verrry last thing I expect at a funeral is a thank you note.

Fwiw, h is a pastor and has preformed several funerals. He rarely gets a thank you note, usually just a lot of verbal acknowledgement from the family, which is just fine.

[sjh722]

I've received them before for sending a card/flowers, but would never expect it.

[dexteroni]

Oh gosh no. Like everyone else is saying, just to those who sent something (food, flowers) or helped in some way. And even then, people are pretty understanding if you don't do it for a while or at all. I don't know what etiquette dictates, but IMO verbal thank yous are fine in a case like this.

[Becca]

I don't think you have to. I never sent thank yous after my son's funeral. I meant to. Even bought the cards and started writing. But they were just too hard.

I figured that anyone who side eyed me over that was someone I could live without.

If you feel called to acknowledge someone in particular - do it, but I don't think they are required

[KaraOrNot]

We sent thank yous to people who gave money and flowers, not everyone who attended.

[starlily]

I sent TY notes to people who sent flowers, brought food, or gave us a monetary donation. It would have been way too overwhelming to send notes to all who attended or signed the guest book.

I'm sorry for your loss.

[orchideous]

I agree with PPs; for people who donated or sent flowers only.
Most thank yous that I get are delayed, but that is to be expected. They are also generally from someone indirectly affected by the loss. Maybe you could get a friend to help?
Sorry for your loss.

[shell403b]

Thanks for posting this question, Rock n Voll. I'm going to have to go to/help host a funeral here in a month or two (GF is terminal, in hospice) and that's good information to have. I want to help my mom as much as possible.

[ssmjlm]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

DH's best friend just lost his mom and the wife said they sent thank you's to anyone who signed the book and who sent flowers/food. She did say they divided the list up between the 3 children based on friends/coworkers, etc.

[6fsn]

Just to throw this out there, any thank you I have recieved has been a preprinted card that someone just signed "the family of xyz." Occassionally there is personal note on the bottom. I do not think this is a necessary, but it's something between handwritten paragraphs and nothing.

[Deleted]

You just need to send thank you's to those who sent a plant, flowers, meals, or a memorial.

[mbcdefg]

After my dad died my mom sent notes to:
- anyone who brought food or had it delivered
- people who sent flowers to the funeral home
- people who dropped off a Mass card at the funeral home

She didn't send notes to people who sent a regular Hallmark card or attended the wake/funeral.

But, do what you can. People will understand if you don't get around to it. MH was 20 when his mom died and he started writing thank you notes and never got around to sending them because he was so overwhelmed.

[dr.girlfriend]

Sorry for your loss. We sent thank yous to those who sent flowers, and to those who came from far out of town (DH's friends came Boston and D.C. to support him). Otherwise, we thanked people for attending at the service.

[dragonfly08]

To attendees, no. To those who sent flowers, made donations, brought food, it's nice if you can but not everyone will expect it under the circumstances. FWIW, this is the one time I think preprinted notes are perfectly acceptable. The bereaved have enough to worry about, they should be able to just stick a card in an envelope and send it (plus, this way they can enlist help from friends, etc. who can handle sending the thank yous for them, since a personal note is not needed).

[starlily]

Oct 16, 2012 6:22:07 GMT -5 6fsn said:

Just to throw this out there, any thank you I have recieved has been a preprinted card that someone just signed "the family of xyz." Occassionally there is personal note on the bottom. I do not think this is a necessary, but it's something between handwritten paragraphs and nothing.

Yeah, most funeral homes provide a pack or two of preprinted thank you cards.

[luvmagoldn]

We sent TY's to anyone who sent flowers or food after MIL passed.

[drloretta]

I think it's just for those who sent things. And you are given a lot of leeway in terms of timing. You don't need to send them immediately. I have also seen preprinted ones done by the funeral home, for example, that you can just address to individuals.

Here's a link to some ideas on who/who not to send cards to:
www.modern-manners-and-etiquette.com/funeral-thank-you-etiquette.html


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