My DD can be a handful and cries a lot and somehow I can understand. As her therapist says, she is the reflection of what WE adults have taught her.
So if you are saying she is a horrible kid and you love to point fingers, let me tell you that it's your BF's fault too.
You need to cut her some slack but you cant let her to run the show. I say, take her to therapy and see if it gets better. Maybe she is just having a hard time to process the divorce, that might as well be her personality but her parents need to do something.
I would also suggest you to stay out of it. You are just a GF not a stepmom.
I love you. This is perfect. Imma co-sign this too.
Post by rocknruin72 on Oct 17, 2012 19:57:38 GMT -5
Holy crap you guys overreacted. First of all, bf divorced his ex when his DD was 1....so she doesn't even remember her parents being together.
Also, the cell phone thing...her mom bought it after asking bf if it was okay. He said no and she still bought it for her. His DD has lost it FOUR times, and uses it to text my bf non stop, even when she is at school. He has told her that she can't do that during school, to which she responds, "mind your business."
Yes, she has a mouth on her. She uses the f-word, tells my children to shut-up, and has even smacked my 3 year old daughter when she wanted to lay in her bed and my daughter wouldn't move. It's crazy.
She has been in therapy for three years.
Also, I really do not care how much time she spends with her dad. I go out with the two of them all the time, and I've even picked her up from school myself before. The problem I have (and probably didn't enunciate this clearly) is that they will have a plan in place for the mom to do pick up, bf will make plans for an appointment or something, then his DD will text him to pick her up. If he says he can't, she goes to the main office and claims her parents are going to leave her at school. She's very manipulative!
Seriously, you don't need to flip out and make me seem like I hate chidlren. For god's sake, it was a vent. Bf knows she has ongoing issues, and that is why she has been in therapy for years. I simply cannot handle it when she mistreats my children, or acts out with bad language in front of my children.
Even with that clarification I still think you need to really evaluate your desire to be in this relationship. She won't change....do you really want to do this for 10 more years?
And I think calling her annoying is uncalled for and I'm guessing she can tell that's how you feel about her.
Even with that clarification I still think you need to really evaluate your desire to be in this relationship. She won't change....do you really want to do this for 10 more years?
And I think calling her annoying is uncalled for and I'm guessing she can tell that's how you feel about her.
Doris is spot-on. She might well be a troubled kid, and a difficult kid. But she's a KID. Be the grown up and don't talk shit on a child.
What have YOU done to try to help this relationship? You say she's in therapy? Are you? It sounds to me that perhaps you could all use a few family sessions, before this dynamic gets even more fucked up.
And look, I get venting, and I get frustration. But I'm not hearing much productive out of you right now. And, if you want to stay in your relationship, you're going to have to stop the crap and start facilitating solutions.
Yep, even after your 2nd post I still see red flags everywhere...Doris and Gozf both made excellent points. It must be hard for her to live up to you and your perfect childs expectations.
And look, I get venting, and I get frustration. But I'm not hearing much productive out of you right now. And, if you want to stay in your relationship, you're going to have to stop the crap and start facilitating solutions.
Andplusalso, if the kiddo has been in therapy for years, the therapist has no doubt offered some suggestions for ways to help her. And for the love of pete, if she's got some sort of defiance problem, the school should be working WITH the parents and not letting her pull shit there.
Are the parents going to theraphy with her? If she really is that manipulative, who knows what she could be telling the therapist. Therapy only works when there is honesty and a willingness to listen.
I don't agree with GOZF that you should go to therapy with a family because you are not that involved yet but I do think the mom, dad, and 8 yr old need to have some family sessions if they are not already.
I do find it really hard to believe that this child is as awful as you describe her. My child would not even know what the f word is, never mind use it. If that is true, there is a lot more this child needs than what you should worry about.
Does your BF ever just spend time with her without you around? She could be acting out for attention from him and even to push you away though I don't think she would know how to do that at 8. If she were 11, 12 then maybe.
Post by rocknruin72 on Oct 17, 2012 20:54:04 GMT -5
He takes her to the firehouse a lot, and she hears a ton of bad language there. She told her brother, "fuck you, ___" once and she was smiling and waving at him. So, she either thinks it's for fun (since the firefighters are probably using the word in a joking manner) or something else....I don't know.
Her parents attend every session with her, and have done this for the past three years.
Also, the school is very well aware of her problems and has a list of "mom days" and "dad days." So, when she tries to claim she is going to be left at school, they know how to handle it.
She spends a lot of time alone with her dad. He also goes over to see her in the evening sometimes when she is at her mom's house and he didn't have her that day.
I guess, in my opinion, I just don't allow my own children to get away with certain behaviors. Maybe you guys allow or tolerate it with the idea of "they're just kids" but those kids are going to grow up someday and I'd rather my kids have some respect.
Furthermore, I do not display any kind of annoyance toward my bf's daughter. In fact, I have gone above and beyond to try to help her. I've taken her places just the two of us, I have helped her with her homework, I've done "surprise" projects with her that she has given to her dad, etc. I have ignored A LOT that she has done and that is what produced this vent....which I now know I can never do again on this board.
Are the parents going to theraphy with her? If she really is that manipulative, who knows what she could be telling the therapist. Therapy only works when there is honesty and a willingness to listen.
I don't agree with GOZF that you should go to therapy with a family because you are not that involved yet but I do think the mom, dad, and 8 yr old need to have some family sessions if they are not already.
I do find it really hard to believe that this child is as awful as you describe her. My child would not even know what the f word is, never mind use it. If that is true, there is a lot more this child needs than what you should worry about.
Does your BF ever just spend time with her without you around? She could be acting out for attention from him and even to push you away though I don't think she would know how to do that at 8. If she were 11, 12 then maybe.
Something isn't right here.
I think its totally possible for her to be using the f bomb. Maybe she doesnt fully understand why is it bad though.
OP, Even if the kid doesnt have recollection of the parents being together, there is an emotional aspect to live in two different households. DD does act up about it and I left the ex when I was pregnant.
I get you being upset but as I said in a previous post, she is the reflection of BOTH parents. If she is like this, why would you want to have your children around someone who cannot parent? And please, dont start blaming it all on the mom.
I also agree, that this relationship has a lot of red flags though.
Also, how long have you been dating him? You are already picking up the girl at school!
You're backtracking...you said she was telling the school no one is picking her up and now you say they know which day is which and know how to handle it.
I get parenting your children in a manner that works for you....but she is not being parenting in that same way, nor can YOU expect her to be. She has two completely different parents raising her....and honestly, she doesn't have to follow what you believe is the right way to behave. This isn't going to change....and honestly, I suspect if she's that manipulative, it's only going to get worse with time. Trust that.
I'm also guessing that the "she's got a phone, she's getting new shoes" is less about the kiddo having those things and more about the mom spending child support in a manner you're not okay with, amIright?? Wanna know how I know that?? I was that girl in my marriage....and it was senseless frustation.
Even with that clarification I still think you need to really evaluate your desire to be in this relationship. She won't change....do you really want to do this for 10 more years?
And I think calling her annoying is uncalled for and I'm guessing she can tell that's how you feel about her.
Uh, yeah and a big 8-D to you. "You don't know my lyfe, or how much this CHILD sucks" is a bad response. She may very well be a problem child, but your being a negative Nelly about her is NOT going to help.
I am going to reiterate she is a CHILD and only knows what ADULTS teach her. So, your BF has a part in this. Maybe her mom sucks, if so, what is your BF doing to get more custody of her? I would be more concerned about underlying issues with a child acting up like this.
Oh and a big FUCK YOU, to "she was 1, she doesn't remember them together" No, SHE doesn't, but at 8, you have CLASSMATES asking you "Why don't your mommy and daddy live together? You aren't a real family" So, she may still have issues from it. ESPECIALLY if mommy and daddy use her as a pawn, which it seems mom does, at least.
If your follow up had been all "I see your concern, I am sorry, I was just venting, here are the issues, here are how we are addressing them, thanks for your concern" I wouldn't hate you now. However, Your follow up of "You guys overreacted and here are more reasons this child sucks" just makes me think you suck more.
After a year and a half, you should know that things are not going to change. Again, I get it when you say you find her hard to deal with. I feel similar with my own daughter sometimes but as parents its our responsibility to shape our children.
Are you willing to continue living like this? As Doris said, it will most likely get worse. I would suggest you to venture on Blended Families on the Bump and most step moms will tell you that what you are doing is not a good idea.
Everyone over reacted because you are putting the blame on the child and comparing them to yours which is not fair.
Post by rocknruin72 on Oct 17, 2012 21:08:35 GMT -5
I really don't care! I have my opinions. If you're (and it's YOU'RE not YOUR) going to get all bent out of shape because I didn't bow down to you and worship your views, then perhaps you were once a spoiled little brat who never grew up.
I don't give in to kids just because they're little kids. They need to be taught right from wrong. That is what is wrong with the generation today. Parents don't PARENT anymore.
I really don't care! I have my opinions. If you're (and it's YOU'RE not YOUR) going to get all bent out of shape because I didn't bow down to you and worship your views, then perhaps you were once a spoiled little brat who never grew up.
I don't give in to kids just because they're little kids. They need to be taught right from wrong. That is what is wrong with the generation today. Parents don't PARENT anymore.
LOL. Haters gonna hate. You are correct, i used the wrong your/you're, but I have been drinking. What's your excuse for acting like a spoiled brat right now? (cause you are, I think there is a foot stomp in this post).
Post by jojoandleo on Oct 17, 2012 21:13:16 GMT -5
Oh, and P.S.-Your BF is her parent too, so, once again, HE HAS A ROLE IN THIS. Also, I didn't say you have to "bow down" to my opinion, but maybe recognize that blaming a child is a flameful thing to do. Anyway, have fun in your relationship while you dislike one of his children! I am sure everything will work out perfectly if you don't change a thing and you FOR SURE will not ever be resentful.
Post by rocknruin72 on Oct 17, 2012 21:15:38 GMT -5
I'm sure we will have a great relationship because my bf ALSO notices how bad her behavior is, which is why he doesn't give in to her. I'm glad he doesn't, and I know he's doing the right thing as a parent.
Here's a fact...I was a shitty step-mom because I had resentment towards my step-kids and their mom. That resentment was a big ass dark cloud over our house even though I played the doting step-mom. I hated how my step-kids were allowed to behave and how their mom bought them name brand everything when I do not do that for my kids because they need to understand the value of a dollar. This cause soooo many unnecessary fights in my marriage.
I was you.....and I regret sooooo much because I was the adult....but I didn't act like it.
I really don't care! I have my opinions. If you're (and it's YOU'RE not YOUR) going to get all bent out of shape because I didn't bow down to you and worship your views, then perhaps you were once a spoiled little brat who never grew up.
I don't give in to kids just because they're little kids. They need to be taught right from wrong. That is what is wrong with the generation today. Parents don't PARENT anymore.
8-D And with this post you have lost the little respect I had for you. Good luck because you really need it.
Here's a fact...I was a shitty step-mom because I had resentment towards my step-kids and their mom. That resentment was a big ass dark cloud over our house even though I played the doting step-mom. I hated how my step-kids were allowed to behave and how their mom bought them name brand everything when I do not do that for my kids because they need to understand the value of a dollar. This cause soooo many unnecessary fights in my marriage.
Um....no. We are two separate people. You sound like a bitch, though. Doting step-mom? Then why did you argue so much about your step-kids? Weird.
I was you.....and I regret sooooo much because I was the adult....but I didn't act like it.
Post by jojoandleo on Oct 17, 2012 21:22:53 GMT -5
Dude, I am sure you are not a bad person, you just made a post that I took offense to as well as MANY people. MAYBE you should evaluate yourself/your relationship if THIS MANY people took offense. Or maybe realize you may have worded things wrong. Instead, you came back guns blazing full of animosity and obvious hurt feelings. Take your flaming and sit down.
This is one of the non-benefits of a message board.
I really don't care! I have my opinions. If you're (and it's YOU'RE not YOUR) going to get all bent out of shape because I didn't bow down to you and worship your views, then perhaps you were once a spoiled little brat who never grew up.
I don't give in to kids just because they're little kids. They need to be taught right from wrong. That is what is wrong with the generation today. Parents don't PARENT anymore.
And with this post you have lost the little respect I had for you. Good luck because you really need it.
Yeah, cause I'm looking for respect from anonymous internet people.
Here's a fact...I was a shitty step-mom because I had resentment towards my step-kids and their mom. That resentment was a big ass dark cloud over our house even though I played the doting step-mom. I hated how my step-kids were allowed to behave and how their mom bought them name brand everything when I do not do that for my kids because they need to understand the value of a dollar. This cause soooo many unnecessary fights in my marriage.
Um....no. We are two separate people. You sound like a bitch, though. Doting step-mom? Then why did you argue so much about your step-kids? Weird.
I was you.....and I regret sooooo much because I was the adult....but I didn't act like it.
Yup, I'm a bitch! I own my shit....you, my friend, are pointing the finger at a child!! Good luck with that!
Oh, and while we're at it, weren't you just on here all sad face about your family not being intact anymore?? Methinks you need some damn good counseling!
Here's a fact...I was a shitty step-mom because I had resentment towards my step-kids and their mom. That resentment was a big ass dark cloud over our house even though I played the doting step-mom. I hated how my step-kids were allowed to behave and how their mom bought them name brand everything when I do not do that for my kids because they need to understand the value of a dollar. This cause soooo many unnecessary fights in my marriage.
Um....no. We are two separate people. You sound like a bitch, though. Doting step-mom? Then why did you argue so much about your step-kids? Weird.
I was you.....and I regret sooooo much because I was the adult....but I didn't act like it.
Dude, step away from the keyboard. This is a sinking ship and you are still on it.