I see where you're coming from, but if I were you I would really evaluate where you see this heading. Stepchildren can be a HUGE issue and she's his daughter. Sounds like things won't be changing and obviously she's not going anywhere.
FWIW, I don't think I could handle a child like that either.
Post by prettyinpearls on Oct 17, 2012 11:20:47 GMT -5
Ugh, that sucks. It’s good that your BF is standing his ground with his DD, but it also sounds like he needs to start standing his ground with her mom too. It sounds like he's just "allowing watever" like the mom is. I think it’s great he wants to see his kids and he’s an involved parent, but there comes a point that the schedule needs to be stuck to.
Post by blackkitty on Oct 17, 2012 11:20:49 GMT -5
Some kids are higher maintenance and slower to mature than others. I know this from experience for sure!
A good friend of mine now lives with her fiance and his 3 year old daughter visits EOW. My friend has grown from annoyance to hate for the child. I agree with achase about evaluating where it's going b/c that kid is not going any where.
I have a lot to say about this....so I'll try to make it concise....
My 8 year old has no volume control or understanding of waiting to talk. It's just who he is and he is not at all a spoiled brat. I politely remind hime (millions of times per day) to lower his voice and wait his turn.
Sounds like BF is trying to keep things under control and I give him a lot of credit because giving in would be a helluva lot easier. I also don't get why you're bent out of shape about her wanting him to pick her up from school and stuff. That seems pretty normal, don't you think?
So she's spoiled at her mom's...okay....how does that affect you directly?? So she gets new shoes? Who cares? How does this affect YOU? So she has a cell phone? Lots of kids do....would I give my 8 year old one, no, but again, how does his affect YOU???
I would really take a step back and evaluate your ability to deal with this for the next 10 years or so, because I can't imagine her personality is going to change. Being a step-parent is hard hard hard (and I had two step kids) and can, very easily, put a wedge into an otherwise stable relationship.
Also....I'm guessing he's telling you his X is a horrible person, right? I'm guessing that's feeding into your annoyance towards the little girl, yes? My XH feed me a load of negative crap against his XW, which impacted my ability to deal with his kids. Turns out, she's a good person and he was just trying to play the victim card. And I can put money on the fact that he painted me out to be a raging bitch to his gf.
I have a lot to say about this....so I'll try to make it concise....
My 8 year old has no volume control or understanding of waiting to talk. It's just who he is and he is not at all a spoiled brat. I politely remind hime (millions of times per day) to lower his voice and wait his turn.
Sounds like BF is trying to keep things under control and I give him a lot of credit because giving in would be a helluva lot easier. I also don't get why you're bent out of shape about her wanting him to pick her up from school and stuff. That seems pretty normal, don't you think?
So she's spoiled at her mom's...okay....how does that affect you directly?? So she gets new shoes? Who cares? How does this affect YOU? So she has a cell phone? Lots of kids do....would I give my 8 year old one, no, but again, how does his affect YOU???
I would really take a step back and evaluate your ability to deal with this for the next 10 years or so, because I can't imagine her personality is going to change. Being a step-parent is hard hard hard (and I had two step kids) and can, very easily, put a wedge into an otherwise stable relationship.
Also....I'm guessing he's telling you his X is a horrible person, right? I'm guessing that's feeding into your annoyance towards the little girl, yes? My XH feed me a load of negative crap against his XW, which impacted my ability to deal with his kids. Turns out, she's a good person and he was just trying to play the victim card. And I can put money on the fact that he painted me out to be a raging bitch to his gf.
I always side eye men who do nothing but bad mouth their ex. It's immature and not even productive at all. Even if she IS that horrible (which I doubt) he still will have to get along with her so he best just buck up and learn to deal with it.
As horrible as my ex is, I really try not to bring him up constantly because it gives him too much power. I certainly wouldn't always be complaining about it in relationships.
Post by chrissie3416 on Oct 17, 2012 11:56:49 GMT -5
I gotta go with GOZF and others on this...you reallly need to think about whether you can handle this. Kids usually test their parents especially in these types of situations. It could take time for her to realize that her whining and crying isnt going to get her her way. Kudos to your bf to standing his ground and ensuring he's a firm parent.
If moms spoils her, she is used to that and it seems like she loves her dad, but is testing her boundaries with him. He is trying, it may take a while to get her calmed down, but he is being a parent to her and every time she is seeing he won't back down. She is dealing with two parenting styles that conflict.
You can either a.) wait it out and see where things are going, or b.) cut your losses and leave if you can't handle it.
From experience, a guy I dated once, I found out after a time, that he let his daughter run the show and he didn't discipline. I didn't like it and I left. That was his decision for his family, I didn't agree and I left. Simple as that. You need to know what you can handle and what you can't.
It sounds like he's making the best of it... of course, he wants to see her as much as he can so why wouldn't pick her up from school, etc.? At least he's not feeding the behavior. Although I do think consistency is the key... I think it will help her adjust to the divorce and will probably help her with school in the long run.
D has three kids and it can be hard at times, thankfully they're older but you need to learn that some of this stuff is really none of your business. Should you pay attention to how he parents so that in case you two do get married you can back him up? Yes. Finding your roll as a step-parent can't be really tricky and it's so important that two of you are on the same page. D and I discuss this quite a bit since I'll be moving in with him soon. Ultimately though, they are his kids and a phrase I learned is "step-parent, step-back"
As far as not discussing the ex... it's going to happen the longer you two are together, especially if she's an active parent and the two do not co-parent well together. D never said a negative thing about his ex, until I started asking why she was such a nut. I've witnessed D doing his best to work with her for the sake of the kids, along with her awful behavior and have had a taste of it myself. We do complain about her because it's appalling what she does/says to her kids. It's heartbreaking to see the kids being treated that way.
So really, you need to decide how much you're willing to give, because you're going to have to give a lot and if he's worth it.
For as much crap as D deals with in term of his ex, he is totally worth it... he's a great father, the kids are awesome and he's given me a family in a sense. That's a huge deal for a parent to let you into their kid's world.
Post by wrathofkuus on Oct 17, 2012 12:27:36 GMT -5
I kinda think that when you get seriously involved with a single parent, you're getting involved with a whole family. That means that if you don't really like one of the integral members, it's probably bad news to stay.
He has two kids and he sees them all of the time, but this girl demands his time - like she wants to see him every day. She wants him to pick her up from school, take her to school, keep her all weekend, etc.
OMG how DARE a child want to see their parent EVERYDAY!!! I'm seriously giving you the biggest side eye ever right now.
For a kid going through a divorce she seems to be acting fairly normally to me. It's pretty obvious she isn't reacting well to not having her dad in her day to day life and is acting out based on that.
Is your child around when this is happening? I'm guessing that's a very difficult adjustment for her as well. Does her dad make an effort to spend one on one time with her? Is the child in therapy?
Post by prettyinpearls on Oct 17, 2012 12:37:00 GMT -5
Am I the only one who thinks this child is totally getting away with running the show? The spoiling at the mom’s house is one thing – it doesn’t affect OP in any way. But for the child to dictate when she sees her father is ridiculous, especially when it sounds like the mom is using it as an excuse to get her “free time”. (According to OP’s views, anyway)
Now, I fully understand that this could be the BF speaking poorly of his X and it’s rubbing off onto how OP views this woman…but still, a child shouldn’t get to decide when she sees her parents. This just translates into her thinking anything should be determined by what she wants (i.e. throwing a fit over the restaurant they were going to for dinner). Split parents have custody and parenting time arrangements for a reason – it keeps like somewhat predictable and normal for everyone involved.
::shrugs shoulders::
Just my two cents.
P.S. I agree with PP’s that if you have this much of a problem with the daughter right now, you need to seriously evaluate where you see this relationship going.
But for the child to dictate when she sees her father is ridiculous.
Honestly I don't see why this is a problem? Provided it isn't really interfering with the dad's work or he isn't cancelling plans to do it. When I was a kid and my parents were separated and I wanted to see my dad, I would call him up and tell him. If he wasn't doing something he'd come get me.
Sure if the dad has other plans he should say no, and schedule another time with her, but I honestly don't really see what's so wrong with it.
But for the child to dictate when she sees her father is ridiculous.
Honestly I don't see why this is a problem? Provided it isn't really interfering with the dad's work or he isn't cancelling plans to do it. When I was a kid and my parents were separated and I wanted to see my dad, I would call him up and tell him. If he wasn't doing something he'd come get me.
Sure if the dad has other plans he should say no, and schedule another time with her, but I honestly don't really see what's so wrong with it.
The situation your explaining sounds like it would be fine. But from the tone of OP's post, it sounds like this child is doing it all the time and expecting her dad to drop everything.
I'm all for kids spending time with their parents, but it sounds like this one is doing it to test the waters and see what she can get away with. By her dad obliging all the time, he's not teaching her anything.
Honestly I don't see why this is a problem? Provided it isn't really interfering with the dad's work or he isn't cancelling plans to do it. When I was a kid and my parents were separated and I wanted to see my dad, I would call him up and tell him. If he wasn't doing something he'd come get me.
Sure if the dad has other plans he should say no, and schedule another time with her, but I honestly don't really see what's so wrong with it.
The situation your explaining sounds like it would be fine. But from the tone of OP's post, it sounds like this child is doing it all the time and expecting her dad to drop everything.
I'm all for kids spending time with their parents, but it sounds like this one is doing it to test the waters and see what she can get away with. By her dad obliging all the time, he's not teaching her anything.
Gotcha. I guess I just wasn't clear from the original post if the dad was actually dropping everything or not.
Am I the only one who thinks this child is totally getting away with running the show? The spoiling at the mom’s house is one thing – it doesn’t affect OP in any way. But for the child to dictate when she sees her father is ridiculous, especially when it sounds like the mom is using it as an excuse to get her “free time”. (According to OP’s views, anyway)
Now, I fully understand that this could be the BF speaking poorly of his X and it’s rubbing off onto how OP views this woman…but still, a child shouldn’t get to decide when she sees her parents. This just translates into her thinking anything should be determined by what she wants (i.e. throwing a fit over the restaurant they were going to for dinner). Split parents have custody and parenting time arrangements for a reason – it keeps like somewhat predictable and normal for everyone involved.
::shrugs shoulders::
Just my two cents.
P.S. I agree with PP’s that if you have this much of a problem with the daughter right now, you need to seriously evaluate where you see this relationship going.
nope i dont see it like that at all. I see it as an 8 year old child shows parents are divorced, and she NEEDS the attention. We as adults may look at it as manipulation, but she is an 8 year old. i would think there is certainly something wrong with a child who DIDNT want to see their parent everyday....espically when they are desperately trying to hand onto the life they had. posts like these are the exact reason i couldnt read the blended family board...it amazes me how grown women talk about children.
She's eight. She's dealing with her parents' divorce, and it's hard. Cut her some slack and be the adult.
Yep. She's EIGHT!! Her parents are divorced, and IF what you are saying about her mom is true, maybe she is feeling unloved and unwanted and YOU are not helping! Kids can be whiny and annoying and spoiled. Maybe she is spoiled and out of control, but your BF is doing what he can to curb that. It is a part of the package. If you don't like her YOU need to leave because she is not going anywhere.
I HATE when adults judge children. She's a CHILD she only knows what she has been taught by ADULTS. One of those ADULTS is your BF.
She's eight. She's dealing with her parents' divorce, and it's hard. Cut her some slack and be the adult.
Yep. She's EIGHT!! Her parents are divorced, and IF what you are saying about her mom is true, maybe she is feeling unloved and unwanted and YOU are not helping! Kids can be whiny and annoying and spoiled. Maybe she is spoiled and out of control, but your BF is doing what he can to curb that. It is a part of the package. If you don't like her YOU need to leave because she is not going anywhere.
I HATE when adults judge children. She's a CHILD she only knows what she has been taught by ADULTS. One of those ADULTS is your BF.
Am I the only one who thinks this child is totally getting away with running the show? The spoiling at the mom’s house is one thing – it doesn’t affect OP in any way. But for the child to dictate when she sees her father is ridiculous, especially when it sounds like the mom is using it as an excuse to get her “free time”. (According to OP’s views, anyway)
Now, I fully understand that this could be the BF speaking poorly of his X and it’s rubbing off onto how OP views this woman…but still, a child shouldn’t get to decide when she sees her parents. This just translates into her thinking anything should be determined by what she wants (i.e. throwing a fit over the restaurant they were going to for dinner). Split parents have custody and parenting time arrangements for a reason – it keeps like somewhat predictable and normal for everyone involved.
::shrugs shoulders::
Just my two cents.
P.S. I agree with PP’s that if you have this much of a problem with the daughter right now, you need to seriously evaluate where you see this relationship going.
nope i dont see it like that at all. I see it as an 8 year old child shows parents are divorced, and she NEEDS the attention. We as adults may look at it as manipulation, but she is an 8 year old. i would think there is certainly something wrong with a child who DIDNT want to see their parent everyday....espically when they are desperately trying to hand onto the life they had. posts like these are the exact reason i couldnt read the blended family board...it amazes me how grown women talk about children.
yes YES YES! I am livid at this. Kids can be annoying, I agree, but she's a kid! She's not trying to be a bitch, she's crying out (literally) for love and attention. Maybe she needs to see a counselor or someone to talk through and that will help her. Having her dad date someone who shows contempt for her-yeah, NOT HELPING!
I'm also really grossed out by the whole "my child is more mature than your child" thing that's going on.
YES! Because this is all about maturity, not a poor child who is clearly going through something very difficult in life. Hey 8 year old why don't you BUCK UP and BE MATURE. It's life, your parents got a divorce now GROW UP.
Because that's totally how mature adults handle it to. Oh hey, I'm getting a divorce, I'll just calmly pack up my things and easily move onto the next phase in my life without ever crying, having a breakdown or acting out inappropriately.
Post by wrathofkuus on Oct 17, 2012 13:14:17 GMT -5
Or, rather than maturity or trauma, it could be about distinct individuals with individual personalities. Why do people find it to be so hard to admit to themselves that the fact that they dislike someone doesn't indicate that the person they dislike is faulty and wrong?
Have you put yourself in her shoes? Maybe the 8 yr old wants to see her dad because of the fact the mom wants her "free time" and isn't very nice to the little girl. I have a 7 yr old and I don't even want her to see her dad when she is supposed to, I couldn't imagine her wanting to see him more.
Do I think an 8 yr old should have a cell...no way, but what can you do. Who bought it and why?
DD cries a lot. Like all the time. It sucks. I hate it. She is in therapy for it but it sounds like you BF doesn't really like it either because he is not feeding into it.
And she's 8, not 15. 8 is still little. She is going through a lot. My 7 yr old cries more now than when she was 5...she understands more and is affected more because of this understanding. It drives me crazy when we tell little kids to grow up. Let's keep them little for as long as possible.
And if you can't deal with her, then maybe you need to find someone who doesn't have kids.
nope i dont see it like that at all. I see it as an 8 year old child shows parents are divorced, and she NEEDS the attention. We as adults may look at it as manipulation, but she is an 8 year old. i would think there is certainly something wrong with a child who DIDNT want to see their parent everyday....espically when they are desperately trying to hand onto the life they had. posts like these are the exact reason i couldnt read the blended family board...it amazes me how grown women talk about children.
I'm with Mags on this one. Kids in elementary school are still trying to learn how to establish their needs and wants. In the case of this 8 year old child, she is showing that she wants to spend time with her dad (which is normal), and being loud and the like may be ways she's found to be most effective at getting her attention.
Post by jojoandleo on Oct 17, 2012 13:58:37 GMT -5
Just add my name to everything Gofz, Kuus, Mags, and Naeljun said. Can we not blame a child for acting out and compare her to other children? each child is different. Congrats that your fetus is already reading in Latin and shit, but your kid could wake up at 8 and decide, "Fuck this shit, I want attention and I am going to throw temper tantrums!!" Different kids go through different phases at different times.
She's eight. She's dealing with her parents' divorce, and it's hard. Cut her some slack and be the adult.
THIS. Wow, I feel so sad about what you just wrote. You're the adult here and she is a small child dealing with a lot. Of course she demands a lot of his time.. its her father! And I'm just assuming here, but they probably coddle and spoil her in other ways because she IS so emotional.. they are trying to make up for what they can't give her. Take a step back.
My DD can be a handful and cries a lot and somehow I can understand. As her therapist says, she is the reflection of what WE adults have taught her.
So if you are saying she is a horrible kid and you love to point fingers, let me tell you that it's your BF's fault too.
You need to cut her some slack but you cant let her to run the show. I say, take her to therapy and see if it gets better. Maybe she is just having a hard time to process the divorce, that might as well be her personality but her parents need to do something.
I would also suggest you to stay out of it. You are just a GF not a stepmom.