How did you know when you were done

[janedoe]

Poof

[doriswe]

You know when you know.....sad but true. Go to counseling and work on you for a while and then consider marriage counseling. Thing is, if you both aren't willing to put in the work, I can't see it working out long term.

What do you like about your H? What things do you enjoy doing together and are you doing things together now?

Is there someone else you're interested in??

[wrathofkuus]

How long have you been together that the age difference is just coming up now? How is it apparent now where it wasn't before, other than the kids (which could happen even if you were born the same moment)?

[janedoe]

Poof

[janedoe]

Poof

[doriswe]

I don't want to flame you....but I see a lot of things that could be happening here.
-He took a more challenging job 3 years ago and about that same time you were getting pregnant and having a baby. Those are all life changing, stressful, things. I'm not surprised you guys are having a hard time with that.

-If you do nothing together, why would you want to stay married to him. You need to go try something brand new together and hopefully build off of that experience. You both need to remember why you liked each other enough to get married.

-If he's depressed, he needs to want to do something about it. If he doesn't, there is nothing you can say or do to fix that. Some men have a difficult time wanting to seek external help for these types of things, even though it has the potential to help their lives.

Honestly, the way you posted, I get the feeling you are done and just want to wash your hands of this....you don't really seem to be asking for ways to try and make it work, only for us to pat you on the head and tell you it's okay to bail. That's your call, we don't know the ins and outs of your life.

[janedoe]

Well more than anything I realize I wasn't fair to him. I absolutely love him and would never want anything bad to happen to him. I think I didn't really put the time in to think it through. We had fun together and he was great with my oldest, I thought that was all I needed. I'm a jerk, I get it but at the time I felt like we were going to last "forever" without thinking about forever

[janedoe]

You are right, absolutely right. I'm not really looking to fix it and instead am looking for someone to tell me it's okay to let the relationship go without him cheating, abusing, or any other life changing events. It's just tough to take the leap.

[doriswe]

Oct 19, 2012 15:06:35 GMT -5 janedoe said:

You are right, absolutely right. I'm not really looking to fix it and instead am looking for someone to tell me it's okay to let the relationship go without him cheating, abusing, or any other life changing events. It's just tough to take the leap.

You don't have to justify to anyone why you want to be done....you get to make that call.

I tried everything I could before I was able to walk away....I didn't want to ever wonder if I could have done more and made it work...but that's just me.

[jojoandleo]

Oct 19, 2012 15:06:35 GMT -5 janedoe said:

You are right, absolutely right. I'm not really looking to fix it and instead am looking for someone to tell me it's okay to let the relationship go without him cheating, abusing, or any other life changing events. It's just tough to take the leap.

It's okay to let a relationship go without cheating, abusing, or anything other than you don't work as a couple.

However, I would make sure before you leave that this isn't just a bump in the road/stressful time, and that you really don't work as a couple. Maybe try counseling, or find an activity for both of you to take up so you have something to talk about.

Honestly, if my H was telling me to listen to him because he has more experience than me, it would make me feel like he was fathering me, not being a husband. That would piss me off. I don't think the problems are just you. I do not know if things could change, only you know that.

[wrathofkuus]

Oct 19, 2012 14:57:57 GMT -5 janedoe said:

I should just take his advice on things because he's been through them

If he stopped acting like a condescending, paternalistic asshat, would you feel differently about him and your marriage?

[janedoe]

Poof

[wrathofkuus]

Okay, yeah, I kinda want to punch him in the face now. Not that you needed my permission to be done with a guy, but there you go.

[doriswe]

"we don't have enough time to work on our relationship"....I think this is crap, because if you wanted to work on it, you would MAKE the time.

Does he sound like a jackass, sure...but I can't imagine this just popped up.

I think you need to get into counseling for yourself and work on you for a while.

[janedoe]

Poof

[doriswe]

Uhhh, is he seeing someone else???

[janedoe]

No...he hangs out upstairs and reads books or whatever he does.

[wrathofkuus]

He's forty-damn-six and he's acting like he's ninety.

[Deleted]

If you are done you are done...

just because a person doesnt cheat or abuse you doesnt mean he is a good spouse!

My X H didnt do any of those things, but he was a workaholic, and never around. I was a single mom who was actually still married,,,,,so i left! I have nothing bad to say about him...we were married 11 years, but he wasnt a good H anymore so i left. we are very friendly and have a good relationship.

[janedoe]

Poof

[jojoandleo]

uhhh, with your updates, he sounds like a douche, and doesn't seem willing to change. I don't know if I could stay with someone who resents my child.

[achase123]

Agree with Doris...I just "knew". However, my ex was also a drug addict who was cheating. Which made the decision pretty cut and dry. I did know that I had no try left in me. I knew I could walk away completely and totally at peace with my decision.

[stephbfan]

I think he is blaming everything on his age. He is just being a bad spouse and not taking responsibility for it. I don't know how can you get past that.

Try counselling and give it everything but I feel you are done though.

[janedoe]

Poof

[marigoldgirl]

46 is not old. It sounds like he is the one with problems. He is coming up with excuses about age that really are issues with lack of interest in saving the marriage. I think sometimes one person does not want to make it work so they sabotage the relationship until the other person ends it. It sounds like this is what he is doing.

[Deleted]

KDoes he have any aches, pains, ect? You both are in law enforcment correct? Some of those jobs are pretty intense. Could he be having health problems you don't know about? Have you tried what doris suggested and make time to do things?

It honestly sounds like you are done and are not being too subtle about it. He probably picks up on this, and simply does not want to deal with living as, you say, roommates. He does souind condecending, but that may simply be because he does actually know better. Doesn't excuse the behavior by a mile, though. In all honesty, if you are done, then be done.

[Deleted]

I think when you're done, you're done. People divorce for many reasons, not just abuse or infidelity. It sounds like the issues came into light once he switched jobs and you had a child together. Although I do not have children, I have seen the best of couples have difficulties once the stress of a child is introduced. I know you have an older child that he is good with, but it's different IMO. If you already had issues, the stress could be enough to push you apart. It seems like he was content without having children, but he should have been honest about that from day 1. It sounds like you are at your wits end, and if you are then leave. You are young, and if he's acting like this at 46, how will he act in ten years when you are 40 and he is 56?? What about once he retires and you're still getting up to go to work every day? will he take on responsibility as a father when he's not even doing it now?? your mom has to help because he cant handle one small child alone?? You are supposed to be in this marriage/family together. Work on YOU, only you know what you need. You've got support here. It's never easy, but you deserve to be happy! Move forward!

[explorer2001]

You've already gotten a lot of good advice, so I'm just going to wish you luck whatever you decide.

[lookingup]

I knew I was done when my feelings about him as a husband changed. It sounds like you are past done. Good luck.

[janedoe]

Thank you again for all the great advice and thoughtful input. I really appreciate it.

Its so hard letting go when you have put so much work into something. I'm really scared to take the leap, I actually don't even know why. Logistically I have enough $$ to take care of me and the girls but I think emotionally I'm scared. It would be a lot easier if I took the emotions out of it and just looked at the facts