I've been thinking about it and I honestly don't know anyone who says or implies stuff like 'life without kids is boring and meaningless' or that daycare is bad and SAHMs shouldn't have help, or just wait until you have #2, etc. I see it on the boards sometimes but I don't think that really counts. In real life, everyone I know puts the shiniest, happiest face they can on parenting which I think is partly why I'm attracted to this site, lol.
What kinds of things do the ones you know say? How do you react?
I think my own mother was a bit of a martyr though. Single mom, didn't belueve in daycare so she SAH and was poor, is judgy of non-attachment parenting; she's always saying things to me like, regarding CIO, "I don't believe in torturing babies"
I'm lucky I have a similar parenting style to her (minus the judgy) or we'd butt heads a lot. She's great otherwise.
Eta: I don't think my mom friends put on a happy face. My mom's group is like 2hrs of comiseration
I knew one. KNEW is the operative word. And her martyrdom is part of the reason she isn't in my life anymore.
However, the flip side isn't that everyone I know puts on a shiny happy face either. Honestly, most of my mom friends - we don't really talk about being moms all that much! And its never in the context of "our lives are so great! My kid is perfect!".
When we do talk about our kids, it's about what's going on in our lives and the reality of it. It's not being a martyr over it and it's not being a saint. It's just about "reality".
No, but almost all of my friends with kids were my friends prior to having kids and I obviously thought they were cool. Having kids didn't change them. I don't really have any friends in which the friendship came about after/because of the kids.
I have a friend from childhood who I know is goign to be a mommy martyr. She already kind of is. her pregnancy was rough on FB (as in, every morning we had an update as to her night. every night we had an update as to her day.) NO ONE had ever had a pregnancy like hers!!!!!!!!! I can only imagine what the rest of it will be like.
My SIL has made two comments to me - one kind of vague one about "daycares raising kids" (she didnt come out and say it but it was implied) that I ignored and once before either of us had kids she said "you want to have a career, but my family will be my priority," which has always bothered me and stayed with me, 6 years later. Because working moms dont priortize their families? She is kind of a mommy martyr in general....not a huge one but she doesn't have time to sort through pics, IT TAKES TOO LONG!!! Omg she has no time!!! so she just uploads 800 pictures at once to FB or whatever. Because everyone else has time to look at 800 pictures?
So I just kind of speak generally to her lol. I think now that I am working and have a kid she is more careful in what she says to me.
I had a friend say to me while I was writing my first book, "nothing you can create would be as fulfilling as having a child." It was pretty obnoxious and I had to stop talking to her for a long time.
I have one friend who has 3 kids and likes to often state how easy my life is. She has this weird way of working the "it's because you only have one" phrase into just about any conversation topic. Whether it be about us holding out and continuing to be carless or about us moving abroad or anything, really. We can do all of these things because "we only have one kid." I never know what to say. It's not like her pregnancies were surprises or like she grudgingly had more kids because her DH wanted a big family. She even said something snarky last summer (a year ago) when I put DD in summercamp so I could work. She "prefers to spend the summer doing enriching things with her kids rather than paying someone else to do those things." I only tolerate her because she is close friends with another close friend of mine, who is a lovely person.
I get a looooooooot of IRL comments about child spacing. But I don't put that in the mommy martyr category. I just put that in the "why do you care what others do" category.
No, but almost all of my friends with kids were my friends prior to having kids and I obviously thought they were cool. Having kids didn't change them. I don't really have any friends in which the friendship came about after/because of the kids.
This
And we fall on the full spectrum of parenting. Tiger mom to AP. None of us judge each other as we all know we are good parents.
Post by atouchofklasse on Oct 23, 2012 9:41:46 GMT -5
I know of them but don't associate with them anymore. I've joined a new moms group that's aimed toward working moms but run by SAHM and I can already tell there are a few.
Ex: overheard: "husband told son that if he didn't start behaving, SAHmommy was going to send him to daycare as a punishment". Eye roll.
I know of them but don't associate with them anymore. I've joined a new moms group that's aimed toward working moms but run by SAHM and I can already tell there are a few.
Ex: overheard: "husband told son that if he didn't start behaving, SAHmommy was going to send him to daycare as a punishment". Eye roll.
My parents used to threaten me with sending me to boarding school if I didn't behave in HS. When I started college and first met people from elite boarding schools like Choate, Exeter, etc., I thought, "wow, what did you do to screw-up?" Perhaps this child will have a similarly limited view when he gets to Kindergarten and meets children who have been in daycare?
Okay, that was very random, but a way to perhaps show what an absurd threat that is (as absurd as my parents' threat to send me to boarding school).
I was talking to a male CW when his wife (also works for my employer) was pregnant. He said he needed to get a new job that pays more b/c his wife "has to stay home. I'm not going to have someone else raise my kids." Nice, as both of my kids go to a sitter while DH and I work.
I know of a few but I don't associate much with them.
atouchofklasse, I CHOSE to go to boarding school and will be happy to let DS go to DH's alma mater if he chooses :-) Talk about throwing everyone for a loop with that one.
I know of a few but I don't associate much with them.
atouchofklasse, I CHOSE to go to boarding school and will be happy to let DS go to DH's alma mater if he chooses :-) Talk about throwing everyone for a loop with that one.
Oh I know and have nothing against boarding schools! They're very uncommon in my area so they're almost mythical here. :-)
Post by kittycatlove on Oct 23, 2012 10:43:25 GMT -5
Most of my friends I've known before having kids and are pretty laid back. Like a previous poster our conversations are never all about the kids. I do have an acquaintance that just had her first kid and everything is like she's the first person to ever have a baby, it's pretty eye-rolly.
Oh I know and have nothing against boarding schools! They're very uncommon in my area so they're almost mythical here. :-)
lol, I can understand the sentiment. Outside of the northeast, it is pretty uncommon I think. When people find out DH and I both went to prep schools, their minds spin. Then they ask if we were bad. Heh.
I almost went insane after DS started walking and I was SAH. It also coincided with our move, so being away from my mom group did not help. In the end, I still prefer to work. Now if I can find a job that works for our schedules, I will be over the moon.
I have a friend from HS who appears to be based on her FB feed. Not with the daycare part, but just a lot of "being a mommy is sooooo hard" and "being pregnant is sooooo hard" type posts. Like every day. I haven't actually seen her in years, though.
Not really but my "mom" friends are all pretty experienced moms now with older kids & enjoying life. Maybe when we were all new moms it'd happen on occasion.
I know I've reference this message before, but I feel the need to post it in it's entire ridiculousness. This was sent to me by an acquaintance (like, we'd been out to lunch with mutual friends a couple of times and maybe hung out a little 8 years ago when we were all young and single) the week before I went back to work:
"The amazing pace of nuerodevelopment from zero to age three is profound. I believe strongly in providing the best environment for those little people. I grew up in an awesome dayhome... she drove babies that were still nursing to see mom... we had harvest suppers out in the field, she gave us Christmas presents until Grade 6... came to our weddings... and was very much a part of our lives. However...I remember a day when my little heart was broken into a million pieces when I discovered that this was merely a transaction. It felt like I lost my mom that day in my little heart. I think that these early years are incredibly important in proper social development and bonding. In myself, I think that I have taken on some of the personality traits of my caregiver. I have a tendency to be very generous, almost to a fault...just like her. I am also really good with kids...like her. These aren't traits that I got from my mom.
In fact, I'm not close to my mom at all. I also don't know how to be domestic, because my caregiver did everything for us. I really do need to hire someone to follow me around all the time! I also have had problems with attachment...I had a hard time learning not to get over-attached to people.
Now...from an observers perspective, I have seen things on daycare field trips that have actually made my cry and my soul shout. This really concerns me, because this is the daycare's public face on outings. These are bitter ladies, who shout and berate kids to the point of verbal abuse. Just a couple of days ago, I saw a little kid at the zoo who was excitedly tugging at the caregiver to share some new discovery. The caregiver was gossiping with the other workers at the time. She said,"Shut up...I don't care". The kid tried again..with another resounding "sHU-HUT UP!". The kid was crestfallen and shutdown. I have also seen things at the Fun Factory where a kid fell into an area that they couldn't get out of and they began to cry. It then turned into a fever pitch as the child felt alone an scared. No one came. Her caregivers were drinking coffee. It got to such a point that I needed to know what was going on, and packed up Zach and tried to find the crying. It was crushing that I was a stranger, and I was the only one who cared to comfort a scared little kid.
However, I have seen one caregiver in my travels who listened to the kids, helped them with their snacks and was a very caring person. In short...your time with Owen when you are with him is extremely valuable...your time is worth more than $10 an hour. Even though you can do it through the powers of organization, it is still time. I would strongly recommend that you create as much quality time as you can with Owen. Time wasted with Owen is not wasted!"
Token- that is complete and utter bullshit. My kid is lucky to be at daycare. I am leaving work to SAHM with baby #2 and I actually feel bad that I am taking DS out of daycare when I do this. Luckily a few short months later he will be able to start VPK, but still. My kids daycare is amazing and his teachers can certainly give him more undivided attention all day than I can. I am an absolutely wonderful mother. I am a crappy teacher.
Well, I responded this, and then I defriended and blocked her. I've seen her once since, and she apologized, but I don't want to associate with this level of crazy.
"Listen, I know you are speaking from a kind place, but I'm feeling kind of attacked for my choices and I barely know you. I have to go back to work. My job topped up my EI, which is an awesome benefit, but the flip side is that if I don't return to work I owe them thousands of dollars we've already spent. It's not just a matter of cutting back a smidge and it will work for us - we made a choice to buy a house, and I made a choice to marry a teacher, and for the time being, we need to be a two-income household. I'm not really looking for advice on how to change that right now - maybe when we hit 2 kids, that will change. For now, all I can do is try to minimize Owen's time in care, find him the best care I can, and ask for help from the people that love him. Every kid has baggage, no matter where they spend their time."
Well, I responded this, and then I defriended and blocked her. I've seen her once since, and she apologized, but I don't want to associate with this level of crazy.
"Listen, I know you are speaking from a kind place, but I'm feeling kind of attacked for my choices and I barely know you. I have to go back to work. My job topped up my EI, which is an awesome benefit, but the flip side is that if I don't return to work I owe them thousands of dollars we've already spent. It's not just a matter of cutting back a smidge and it will work for us - we made a choice to buy a house, and I made a choice to marry a teacher, and for the time being, we need to be a two-income household. I'm not really looking for advice on how to change that right now - maybe when we hit 2 kids, that will change. For now, all I can do is try to minimize Owen's time in care, find him the best care I can, and ask for help from the people that love him. Every kid has baggage, no matter where they spend their time."
Good for you. That woman was a bit crazy cakes. I did not hire a doula who got tears in her eyes talking about "all those babies who start life out so violently, being ripped from their mothers' wombs during a c-section." I feel like she might have said something similar as the email you posted.
I've been thinking about it and I honestly don't know anyone who says or implies stuff like 'life without kids is boring and meaningless' or that daycare is bad and SAHMs shouldn't have help, or just wait until you have #2, etc. I see it on the boards sometimes but I don't think that really counts. In real life, everyone I know puts the shiniest, happiest face they can on parenting which I think is partly why I'm attracted to this site, lol.
What kinds of things do the ones you know say? How do you react?
Those two things are not opposites, though. A martyr would be bitching and complaining about things. They wouldn't be saying how wonderful and meaningful their life is. And someone who thinks their way is the only and best would be most likely to put a happy shiny face on it.
I know I've reference this message before, but I feel the need to post it in it's entire ridiculousness. This was sent to me by an acquaintance (like, we'd been out to lunch with mutual friends a couple of times and maybe hung out a little 8 years ago when we were all young and single) the week before I went back to work:
"The amazing pace of nuerodevelopment from zero to age three is profound. I believe strongly in providing the best environment for those little people. I grew up in an awesome dayhome... she drove babies that were still nursing to see mom... we had harvest suppers out in the field, she gave us Christmas presents until Grade 6... came to our weddings... and was very much a part of our lives. However...I remember a day when my little heart was broken into a million pieces when I discovered that this was merely a transaction. It felt like I lost my mom that day in my little heart. I think that these early years are incredibly important in proper social development and bonding. In myself, I think that I have taken on some of the personality traits of my caregiver. I have a tendency to be very generous, almost to a fault...just like her. I am also really good with kids...like her. These aren't traits that I got from my mom.
In fact, I'm not close to my mom at all. I also don't know how to be domestic, because my caregiver did everything for us. I really do need to hire someone to follow me around all the time! I also have had problems with attachment...I had a hard time learning not to get over-attached to people.
Now...from an observers perspective, I have seen things on daycare field trips that have actually made my cry and my soul shout. This really concerns me, because this is the daycare's public face on outings. These are bitter ladies, who shout and berate kids to the point of verbal abuse. Just a couple of days ago, I saw a little kid at the zoo who was excitedly tugging at the caregiver to share some new discovery. The caregiver was gossiping with the other workers at the time. She said,"Shut up...I don't care". The kid tried again..with another resounding "sHU-HUT UP!". The kid was crestfallen and shutdown. I have also seen things at the Fun Factory where a kid fell into an area that they couldn't get out of and they began to cry. It then turned into a fever pitch as the child felt alone an scared. No one came. Her caregivers were drinking coffee. It got to such a point that I needed to know what was going on, and packed up Zach and tried to find the crying. It was crushing that I was a stranger, and I was the only one who cared to comfort a scared little kid.
However, I have seen one caregiver in my travels who listened to the kids, helped them with their snacks and was a very caring person. In short...your time with Owen when you are with him is extremely valuable...your time is worth more than $10 an hour. Even though you can do it through the powers of organization, it is still time. I would strongly recommend that you create as much quality time as you can with Owen. Time wasted with Owen is not wasted!"
Anyone seen my eyes? They rolled out of my head after reading this. WTMF?
Post by hannamaren on Oct 23, 2012 12:25:15 GMT -5
Whoa token, until I got to the end, I thought that was a blog post. Wtf?!?
Someone on here called me a Mommy martyr. I was headed in that direction. But I was never judgey of other Moms (well as much as I judge all people) and I didnt post those gifs to Fb about my non-weekend.
I'm not sure if you would call her a martyr or not, but I know someone who is so backhandedly judgy about other moms' decisions it makes me crazy. She says stuff like "formula is a great choice if the mother dies or needs to be on medication that would harm the baby," like formula is a terrible choice in any other context. She is "supportive" of women's choices regarding parenting and childbirth but only in a "Yes, I support your right to make that choice even though it is very obviously the wrong one" kind of way.
She is "supportive" of women's choices regarding parenting and childbirth but only in a "Yes, I support your right to make that choice even though it is very obviously the wrong one" kind of way.
I actually do know someone like this. I try to avoid her as much as I can. She "doesn't judge" but yet is VERY clear on how HER way is the "right" way.