H and I talked last night..

[janedoe]

I know it's better for us to split but I feel like the biggest jerk ever. He said he isn't unhappy with me but more life in general. Why does it hurt so bad when this was the decision I made? He would rather try and work on things, which isn't really an option for me anymore

Anyone have any support websites that could help me get through this? I go see my counselor on Monday but I work for the next five days and I feel like all I want to do is lay in bed and be sad.

[Deleted]

Sorry

[usedtobebear]

I just wanted to say I'm sorry and I know what you're going through, I'm 6/7 months separated from my stbx and it's still a struggle for me. Some days/weeks are better than others, sometimes it completley sucks and I cry for hours. I feel like I'm not equipped to give any advice since I'm still in the trenches and struggling. But, I do go to weekly counseling, write in my journal, yoga, and try and go easy on myself. My counselor reminds me that I am in healing mode, I put too much pressure on myself to be doing x, y, x and adhere to some sort of divorce timeline, when in reality it's different for everyone.

Be true to yourself and do what's best for you, try not to let your husband make you feel guilty for leaving him. Own your feelings, if you aren't happy with him, then you can't force that. Be strong and confident in your decision. The ladies on this board say it gets better, so I'm hoping for both of us that it does. Hang in there!

[janedoe]

Thank you so much ladies. I guess I feel stupid for being sad since its my choice. He continued to put work ahead of me and the kids amongst some other issues and I decided I had enough. I just didn't expect it to be this difficult. I really am sad ugh

[achase123]

Even if it's something that you know you ultimately want, there's always sadness and heartbreak of actually letting it go. It's reality setting in. Hang in there!

[usedtobebear]

Oct 25, 2012 10:42:37 GMT -5 janedoe said:

Thank you so much ladies. I guess I feel stupid for being sad since its my choice. He continued to put work ahead of me and the kids amongst some other issues and I decided I had enough. I just didn't expect it to be this difficult. I really am sad ugh

Don't feel stupid, it was my choice to leave my husband and it is still devastating to me. We were married 10 years. It's very hard regardless of the circumstances. Try not to be too hard on yourself. I am sad, ALL.THE.TIME, especially lately, and my stbx has know idea. He thinks I'm skipping down the road and assumes I'm dating by now. It couldn't be further from the truth but there is no sense telling him how sad I am all the time. The bottom line is we can no longer be married and as shitty as it is right now, I know I'll be better off in the long run.

[marigoldgirl]

We always think the best thing to do for ourselves won't hurt but will make us feel better. In the the long term that might apply but in the short term it hurts sometimes. I'm sorry you are hurting. It will get better.

[stephbfan]

It took me years to get over my ex even though I knew I was making the right decision.
I know everyone says the same thing but time does help. Then, you will be able to look back and still love that person in a different way as the father of your children.

Hang in there!

[calitime]

I think that those are all normal feelings right now! I chose to leave my H a month ago and at first I think I was in denial. I felt confidant and happy.
I still know that I am DEFINITELY making the right decision but I am very sad. It is a huge loss and its devastating regardless of whether you leave or are left. It is the loss of a life, loss of a dream, and the loss of someone you did and maybe still do love.

I know I still have affection and love for my H despite the fact that I no longer want to be married to him. He is a terrible person and was not a good husband. He lied and cheated and did all kinds of stuff. I still love the person who he was when things were good. It is hard to come to terms with those two people being the same person. I think just going day to day and experiencing all the different emotions will get us all through it.

Its rough, hang in there. I'm in the same boat right now.

[Deleted]

I don't think I recall any of your backstory, but I'm so sorry. Like some pps, I can also relate. I initiated the split from XH. I KNOW it is the right thing. There hasn't been a day that I doubted that. But he's generally a good person, and he was devastated by this, and I struggled a LOT with the guilt.

And this is probably the more important part: I knew long before I actually left that this marriage was not meant to be and that it wasn't the right thing for either one of us. In my heart of hearts, I think I knew it before we got married, but I shut out those feelings. And I shut them out for the 4 years of our marriage. You know why? Because I KNEW what my leaving would do to him. I couldn't stand the thought of hurting him. So I stayed and tried to convince myself it would turn out ok. It didn't.

So, my point is, this hurt and pain and all of these feelings for both of you, if they truly are inevitable, you will have to deal with them at some time. That time is now. It doesn't make it easier, and it doesn't make it suck any less, I know. But please believe everyone here when we say - it WILL get better.

({)

[janedoe]

I really hope it gets better. I just found out H is forwarding financial information to his email. I should totally expect that but it feels sneaky

[rose909]

I also made the decision to end it all which makes me terribly guilty HOWEVER I remind myself all the time this is due to his actions and that I respect myself enough to know I deserve happiness. There's a light at the end of the tunnel; it's extremely dim but it's there.

[doriswe]

I think it takes a brave person to pull the trigger, rather than waiting on someone else to do it. It's also a lot easier to play the victim card "ohhhh, he left me". I'm proud of you for doing what is best for you! Hang in there, it gets better!

[janedoe]

Thank you all so much! I really appreciate the support and will likely need a lot more in the months to come.

Any advice on how to make it through the day? I just feel so sick and overwhelmed

[doriswe]

Oct 25, 2012 19:45:52 GMT -5 janedoe said:

Any advice on how to make it through the day? I just feel so sick and overwhelmed

Just do the best you can do....breath and allow yourself to feel whatever it is you're feeling. Counseling is fabulous. Come here and post. Take care of yourself. Cry....scream....whatever.

((hugs))

[bullygirl979]

Oct 25, 2012 19:45:52 GMT -5 janedoe said:

Thank you all so much! I really appreciate the support and will likely need a lot more in the months to come.

Any advice on how to make it through the day? I just feel so sick and overwhelmed

It sounds really fucking simplistic, but just put one foot in front of the other. Do what ever you can and whatever you need to to deal in that moment. There were nights I got drunk (by myself), there were nights I just cried, and there were nights I felt happy. It is such a process; just never DENY yourself that process, kwim?

Here are my rules:
Keep yourself healthy. That means eating and working out
Keep yourself busy. Pick up a new hobby, get involved in something, volunteer somewhere, whatever!
Keep yourself supported. Do NOT cut ties with friends, family, etc. because you are feeling down. They will support and love you.
Keep yourself sane. Get thee to therapy. And know that some days will SUCK beyond belief and some days are good. And both are normal.
Keep moving forward. Even if you slip up, don't beat yourself up. One foot in front of the other.

And one day you will find yourself on this end, typing this very same message to someone else who is just starting over

[calitime]

Oct 25, 2012 21:30:36 GMT -5 bullygirl979 said:

It sounds really fucking simplistic, but just put one foot in front of the other. Do what ever you can and whatever you need to to deal in that moment. There were nights I got drunk (by myself), there were nights I just cried, and there were nights I felt happy. It is such a process; just never DENY yourself that process, kwim?

Here are my rules:
Keep yourself healthy. That means eating and working out
Keep yourself busy. Pick up a new hobby, get involved in something, volunteer somewhere, whatever!
Keep yourself supported. Do NOT cut ties with friends, family, etc. because you are feeling down. They will support and love you.
Keep yourself sane. Get thee to therapy. And know that some days will SUCK beyond belief and some days are good. And both are normal.
Keep moving forward. Even if you slip up, don't beat yourself up. One foot in front of the other.

And one day you will find yourself on this end, typing this very same message to someone else who is just starting over [/quote]

Wow this is a great list! I seriously want to print this out.

OP this is all great advise. We are all in this mess together and we will all get through it.

[gozf]

You're allowed to feel like this. But it will get better. I promise.