I need to be honest and probably whiny for a minute here.
Today has been a very hard day and I'm so absolutely scared of the custody battle that's ahead of me. I think it is the most unfair and hurtful thing that STBXH has spent all 20 months of my daughters life being selfish. He hasnt wanted to be a father and hasn't created much of a relationship with her. Now that we are splitting up he wants to suddenly decide to be a father and wants tons of time with her. And since courts want both parents as involved as possible he will get lots of visits with her. How is this right??
He hasn't been a father. I've done everything up to this point and now I lose precious time with her to someone who JUST now decides he might want to try being a good dad.
The problem is that I don't know his true intention. He could just as easily be doing it because his parents are pushing him to or because he thinks he "should" or just to fight me.
It absolutely does suck that now you have to share her. It's hard to say why he's decided that he wants to be a dad now, but whatever the reason, it results in your little girl getting to know her daddy, which is very important. The best gift you can give your DD is for her to see her parents getting along for her sake.
Post by prettyinpearls on Oct 27, 2012 15:23:02 GMT -5
It's not fair, but if you guys splitting up is what it takes to make him man up, then so be it. Eventually (if he continues on this path) you'll see this as a good thing.
Every child deserves both parents in their life.....no matter how things may have started.
Because he's the dad and he has the right to have a relationship with his daughter.
If you aren't around, he'll have to step up and do things.
I know it sucks, but it's something that you'll have to come to terms with.
I'm actually at the point where I look forward to my week-ends alone. I get a ton of stuff done, I sleep in, and I am a much better parent for it. (But my kid is smack in the middle of terrible 3s...so there's that too.)
Sadly, the disconnect between fighting for their right to custody/visitation and actually doing something with that time is huge. It happens with both moms and dads. Sometimes its an obvious control thing, they don't want to loose any ground they see as theirs. Sometimes a tool to push back at a spouse. Get used to the fact that dad can use his time however he wishes, including hiring babysitters or leaving her with grandparents. It may hurt you to be forced to leave her with an uninterested parent who makes other arrangments for their time together. But your best course is to follow the letter of the law, not let him feel like he has a sense of power over establishing his legal time, take no leadership on how he manages his time with DD or opinion on what child care arrangments he makes. The less you insert yourself into his court appointed time, the less interested he will be in posing in the role. Let it run it's course. It would be wonderful if he steps up, really everyone wants that. But prepare that he will not. And be prepared, by not being his manager that he will run out of steam faster.
Oh i definitely want them to have a relationship. I want him to have visitation time but he's trying to get a ton of time with her. His mom will be the one caring for her, cooking for her, etc.
I'm sure that he is only doing it to put on the show that he wants to be a dad. If he were left to care for her himself I know that he would slowly want less and less time with her. But since his mom will rescue him he will continue to get long visits.
He and I are civil right now but he is doing TONS of stuff behind my back so I'm not sure what the future holds. His mom is a very powerful woman and I don't know if there is a limit to how hard she will push him to get custody so that SHE can see DD.
It just sucks and I feel so powerless. My child's future is no longer in my hands.
What is your relationship like with MIL? If it's remotely decent, I'd email her (paper trail and all that) and reassure her that while you and her son are splitting up, you want to ensure that your child still has all of her family around her, and you want her to continue being a part of DD's life. Perhaps if you can reassure her that you won't keep her from DD, she'll be less likely to push her son for frequent visitation.
As for your STBX, I think it's common for men to initially insist on some form of joint custody and claim that they're going to be great fathers. Some of them really do step up to the plate and become good fathers, and some eventually lose interest and move on. I agree with livinitup that your best course of action is to let him have his time with her and try not to comment on it. If he wants to take his time with DD to leave her with grandma, there's not a lot you can do about it, so you'll have to find a way to let it go. If he's pushing for joint custody and visitation as a way to upset you, then you acting fine with it won't give him any satisfaction, and he'll move on to look for some other way to annoy you.
Thanks everyone. I definitely agree with all points made. I need to work on letting a lot go.
Our isolation schedule is going to end up very complicated because we are in separate states. This leads to longer, less frequent visits. I just need to let whatever is going to happen happen.
We are still living together, but we will be in separate states soon too but within driving distance. I was told by my lawyer that H could have the kids for six weeks in the summer, so I just flat out asked H what he wanted in terms of visitation over the summer. He said one week a month. Works for me. I'm not going to argue that.
We are splitting up Christmas break. H gets spring break every year. If Easter falls in April, he gets them for a long weekend then, and I get Thanksgiving that year. If Easter is in March, I get them (because he will have just had them for spring break), and he gets Thanksgiving. He wants them for a week a month in the summer "assuming it goes okay when I take them at Christmas and spring break" he says.
IMHO, that's more than reasonable, and I'm not going to argue with him about it. I don't know what it's like in your state, but in mine, if a father wants to, he can take the mother to court to prevent her from moving out of state, or even out of the county. My lawyer says that given the circumstances of our split, she's confident we could win if we had to go to court, but that it would likely cost me tens of thousands of dollars. If you think there's a possibility that your ex could try to force you to stay near him, then I'd most definitely compromise on visitation.
Yes he could fight me to move back but he says he's one with me living here as long as he gets time with DD. We are definitely not driving distance, it's a 3 hour flight. My lawyer said that he should feel lucky to get holiday and summer visits given some of his issues (extreme anger, drinks too much, sexual addiction) but if we end up going to court to fight its well over 10 thousand dollars. I'm trying to avoid having to do that even though its likely I'd win. I don't want to fight and battle.
I guess I just need to wait and see how things go when we actually start to set up our visitation schedule. A few days ago H said he wanted a month every two months with her. That seems crazy to me! Our daughter isn't even 2 and that seems like it would be extremely difficult for her to switch schedules like that. On top of it there is a 2 hour time difference between our states.
He'll never get a month every other two months. She's too little for that and frankly, it's not a sustainable schedule as she gets old and gets into preschool, etc., nor is it a sustainable schedule in terms of providing childcare while both parents work.
Some dads get way more involved in their day to day life once they are forced to do it. If he gets visitation, he will have to do more.
You will also get used to it. Im not going to say that seeing your child leave will be easy but you will get to a point where you will be glad to get a break.