Lurker really needs some support - update page 6

[godiva]

I mostly lurk with an occasional post. I have no idea how long this will get so sorry if it gets crazy. I just have no support IRL right now. My closest friends live on the other side of the country and I'm not ready to tell them anything. Especially after my phone call to them last night, all happy and excited.

Fi and I have been engaged for over three years, together for almost six. Two years ago he had to go back to his country and we were apart until this past June. It took time for his Visa application to come through and then make his arrangements to travel. Because of the situation, I kept his return to his country quiet and didn't tell anyone. I never wanted anyone to say he married me for a piece of paper.

A few days after he returned, I saw an email on his phone. We were trying to have it unlocked to use in the US since he wanted his phone, not a new one. It was from a woman saying she missed him. I questioned him about it and he told me she was the accountant who had done his personal taxes and they had worked together daily so they were good friends. Okay... I'm not going to be the bitch and tell him no female friends. He showed me the rest of the emails with the taxes, amounts due, etc.

You see where this is going already, don't you?

As we need to get married soon and we've been lazy about making plans, last week we decided to just do in what is now just over a week. My contracts get signed tomorrow once they are finalized with the correct info. I took my gown for alterations yesterday. We were planning to go get our license this afternoon.

I was on his PC this morning because I was trying to edit a picture and he left his email open. He never does that. And I admit while it's not the most trusting thing to do and wrong, I did look at his sent emails. There were at least 5 pages of back and forth with this woman. I cut and pasted them into my own email so I could translate them. Yep....I miss you, I love you, You're the perfect woman for me, Can't wait to hold you...

Meanwhile he's sitting playing Xbox and I'm just smiling like nothing is wrong. Telling him wow, that was cool (whatever he did on Xbox). While doing this she sent him two emails, one with a pic. I forwarded that one to my email and deleted it from his so he couldn't see the forward. Not my finest moment but by then I was already in.

I downloaded the pic on my tablet and while it was not pornographic, I'm still like WTF!

I've called my friends in the past 24hours to tell them we're getting married. I'm happy, I'm excited, can't wait. And now I'm starting to look like a fucking jackass. He lives with me and can't work until we are married. He has no place to go when I finally get it up to confront him and throw his ass out with all his shit. He doesn't even have money to get a flight back to his country. My unemployed ass has been supporting us both for months.

I can't go up to my moms house to vent to her and have my first freakout because I'm so fucking embarrassed, not to mention my friends. I look like an asshole being happy. I know I'll look like a bigger asshole if I go ahead and marry him anyway. I'm shaking from anger but yet staying calm until I can find the right way to approach it. I know I was wrong for looking at his email but look what I learned. I wouldn't have known if I didn't.

Again, sorry so long. I just need to get it out. Please don't quote. I may DD if he decides he wants to see my tablet although I probably shouldn't fucking care.

Thanks!

[alzi]

I'm so sorry you are going through this, but DO NOT GET MARRIED. It's not your problem if he has nowhere to go/no money to get home.

[Deleted]

Can I ask why you are acting all happy. Kick the green card wanting jackass to the curb. You snooped.. that sucks but he cheated.
You say you had to get married soon? Why? his visa expiring?I knwo you don't wantpeople to think this but how can we not. He used you. Or at the very least when he was in his country he found someone else.

Sorry you are dealing with this Call off the wedding and move on

[EmilieMadison]

The only one who looks like a jack ass is him. Not only has he been cheating, but he's been allowing you to support him while he sits around playing video games while cheating on you.

Kick him out. Where he stays isn't your problem. How he gets back to his home country isnt your problem. Making sure you DO NOT MARRY HIM is your problem. So get on that. Cancel everything.

And I have a feeling that your friends will understand. Dont be surprised if they're also relieved and happy that you ended things.

[godiva]

I know it's not my problem where he goes and how. At least on the surface I do, but I feel bad. Because I'm an asshole. I'm not a kid, I should be able to handle my own shit.

[EmilieMadison]

Oct 28, 2012 15:33:47 GMT -5 godiva said:

I know it's not my problem where he goes and how. At least on the surface I do, but I feel bad. Because I'm an asshole. I'm not a kid, I should be able to handle my own shit.

Why are you an asshole? You just saved yourself the embarrassment and heartache and expense of going through a divorce.

[montereybride]

Kick his ass out now.

Do not wait to get up the nerve.

You owe the fucking slimeball nothing.

He certainly doesn't give a fuck about you and deserves the same courtesy from you.

[godiva]

I was working until right before he came back. He was so miserable that he didn't want to wait until I was working to come back. He had a really good job there so it wasn't that.

His Visa will expire in December so we would need to be married before that happened.

[EmilieMadison]

Oct 28, 2012 15:37:10 GMT -5 godiva said:

I was working until right before he came back. He was so miserable that he didn't want to wait until I was working to come back. He had a really good job there so it wasn't that.

His Visa will expire in December so we would need to be married before that happened.

IRRELEVANT.
You are not going to marry him. None of this matters.
RIGHT?!?

[Deleted]

His money and issues are not your problem.

If he wasn't using you all along for a visa, he sure as hell is now.

If you marry him you are an idiot. Kick him out. You deserve better.

[imoan]

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.

No matter what, do NOT go through with the marriage. You'll regret it.

And I agree, you don't own this piece of shit anything. Maybe his girlfriend will buy a plane ticket back home for him.

[godiva]

I made a comment to him this morning in the middle of reading these emails- Do all of your friends know we're getting married? Even XXXXXX? He said yes, and asked if I thought he was hiding me.

I know my family and friends won't think less of me when I tell them what happened. I do know this, but I just think I can't get the words out to them right now.

[EmilieMadison]

You dont have to tell them anything right now. All you have to do is NOT MARRY HIM and get him the hell out of your house.
Then, the words will come. It would probably be easier to write them a note/email at first anyway.

[Deleted]

I'm sorry if this comes across as a bitchy question, but do you think he was in it for the green card?

[CheshireGrin]

Oct 28, 2012 15:41:53 GMT -5 godiva said:

I know my family and friends won't think less of me when I tell them what happened. I do know this, but I just think I can't get the words out to them right now.

Then don't worry about telling them right now. Do what you need to do for you, and then tell them the story when you're able to.

[godiva]

Oct 28, 2012 15:37:43 GMT -5 Lucy Honeychurch said:

WHY are you still even CONSIDERING MARRYING THIS DOUCHEBAG?

I stopped considering marrying him about four hours ago.

I'm normally a very vocal, I don't care what you think about what I say person. Right now, I can't get the words out. I'm never speechless.

[moolarkey]

I know someone that broke off engagement the night before the big wedding was to occur.

Get out now, don't look back and don't be embarrassed. It would be more embarrassing to have married him and lived the lie. Get him out of your life now and move on.

You only have 1 life - do NOT waste ANY of it on this piece of crap.

Let me repeat - you only have ONE life.

Don't waste it on a dirt bag like this.

[benitabutrell]

Oct 28, 2012 15:27:43 GMT -5 godiva said:

I can't go up to my moms house to vent to her and have my first freakout because I'm so fucking embarrassed, not to mention my friends.

I'm sure that your mother wouldn't judge you and would totally support your decision to kick this dirtbag to the curb and move on with your life. You haven't done anything wrong here. He took advantage of you, lied to you and basically used you. It's a blessing that you found all of this out before the wedding. You deserve so much better.

[EmilieMadison]

You mean you dont know what to say to HIM?
How about "I saw your emails. You have 2 hours to get your stuff and get the fuck out because I have no interest in ever seeing or speaking to you again."

[godiva]

Oct 28, 2012 15:43:50 GMT -5 @amoosed said:

I'm sorry if this comes across as a bitchy question, but do you think he was in it for the green card?

I do now. I totally believed him. That he loved me, wanted to be with me. Last night he was picking out recessional songs!

I feel like a dick. And I shouldn't.

[Deleted]

HE is the dick. I agree with emilie- give him two hours. Tell him if he's not out by then you'll call the cops.

[dowagercountess]

You owe no one an explanation. I broke off an engagement, and more people praised me for my courage than anything else. Don't let embarrassment even factor in. Simply say - I changed my mind. And kick him the fuck out. Now.

[godiva]

Oct 28, 2012 15:46:33 GMT -5 EmilieMadison said:

You mean you dont know what to say to HIM?
How about "I saw your emails. You have 2 hours to get your stuff and get the fuck out because I have no interest in ever seeing or speaking to you again."

I know get the fuck out is what I need to say. I know this well. I can't get myself to do it, I think because I'm still in shock, like what the fuck just happened!?!

[lyssbobiss, Command, B613]

Please don't feel like an asshole. You had a reason to look - there is no reason for his fucking accountant to email him and say she missed him. He lied to you, he took your patience and faithfulness for granted. He is the asshole.

[meemz]

Oct 28, 2012 15:41:53 GMT -5 godiva said:

I made a comment to him this morning in the middle of reading these emails- Do all of your friends know we're getting married? Even XXXXXX? He said yes, and asked if I thought he was hiding me.

I know my family and friends won't think less of me when I tell them what happened. I do know this, but I just think I can't get the words out to them right now.

I may not be the best person to give/offer advice right now as my life is in shambles (which I'm working on), but what if you don't explain what happened exactly to them right now? Can you just give family/friends a vague answer, as that you decided it isn't going to work out and don't really want to go in to details at this time? I mean I would understand that. My best friend called her engagement off and I never hounded her for an explanation nor did I care if she ever gave me one. It wasn't any of my business, but I would be there to listen to her if she needed to vent/talk/whatever. I just wanted her to be happy and I supported her.

I will say that divorce is HARD. Financially, emotionally. While calling the engagement off and walking away from him will be difficult, divorce is a nightmare.

[Deleted]

This is not your embarrassment. It's his and his alone.

Fuck this loser. Burn his shit. Put him out. I don't give a shit where he goes.

[honeybee]

Oct 28, 2012 15:49:57 GMT -5 dowagercountess said:

You owe no one an explanation. I broke off an engagement, and more people praised me for my courage than anything else. Don't let embarrassment even factor in. Simply say - I changed my mind. And kick him the fuck out. Now.

This. I have a friend who went through with a wedding even though she had serious second thoughts. A year later she's divorced and carrying around 20K worth of debt that her asshole ex got her in.

You owe no one an explanation. You owe yourself a relationship with a partner who is with you honestly and openly.

[montereybride]

If this was happening to your best friend, what would you tell her?

Find that strength and nerve and tell him to get out of your home and life.

[smock]

Waiting to kick him out isn't going to make it any easier. Rip the bandaid off.

[bab]

I am so sorry you are dealing with this now, but in a way I am actually VERY happy for you. What a tremendous gift you have been given in finding out the true character of your jackhole fiance before you were LEGALLY tied to him. Breathe a sigh of relief, then turn to him and tell him to get the fuck out of your house. He's a sociopath. Kick him out.
Don't you start feeling down on yourself. You did nothing to deserve this.