We talked about custody today

[janedoe]

It was civil but thinking about not seeing my dd's 50% of the time makes me have a pit in my stomach. H doesn't have dd's much more than 24 hours a week now so I'm not sure why the change of heart. I told him we could calculate the cs off of 50% but have the actual custody differ (previously he had told me he wanted the kids 50/50 so he wouldn't have to pay me). He says just like I have changed he has changed and now wants them. I'm a bit of a mess. I know it's good for H to be involved but it's hard.
I guess this is more of a vent then a question

[prettyinpearls]

It sound to me like you know in your heart this isn't the right decision and you're agreeing to it because it's what's "easy". Anytime a man talks about custody/parenting time and CS in the same sentence, their intentions aren't pure.

Take a long hard look at what is in your children's BEST INTERESTS. You are their advocate and voice. Don't give in to something you don't feel comfortable with just because it's "easy". Being nice gets you screwed....every single time.

[janedoe]

In our county the judge always grants 50/50 unless there is a valid point of abuse, drug issues, ect. If its all about the money then I just want to take less. Unfortunately he isn't going to go for it. I really can't understand why he wants her so much when as it is, my mom watches her at when I'm at work and he is off so he can have is "me" time. Maybe it will be temporary when he realizes how much work it really is

[turtle1120]

Your ex sounds like a piece of shit.

Do you know what my Ex did? He tried to use Christmas Day as a bargaining chip to lower the amount of child support he was going to pay (he knows it's an important holiday in my family and told me I could have it every year if he could pay less in child support). Klassy, huh?

My Ex also fought for far more visitation than he will ever use. Our custody battle lasted a year and a half. He has visitation every Wednesday night that he hasn't used in over a year. He also has a couple extra weeks in addition to his EOW that he has never and probably will never use.

So while it sucks and it's upsetting, try to have faith. Parents who aren't overly involved in the first place rarely change.
That's probably even more true when their motivations are for financial or revengeful reasons.
Hugs to you.

[janedoe]

My H sounds like your xH. It's all about getting what he wants. I feel so guilty for being the one that wants out that today I considered letting him claim dd indefinitely on taxes. He said it wasn't fair bc I have dd#1 (from my first marriage) to claim and we should split the two. He will only be paying child support on one, not both. I honestly think I need to get out of the house because if I don't, I'm just going to keep giving in to try and make this easy

[strongside2012]

Oct 28, 2012 22:46:57 GMT -5 janedoe said:

My H sounds like your xH. It's all about getting what he wants. I feel so guilty for being the one that wants out that today I considered letting him claim dd indefinitely on taxes. He said it wasn't fair bc I have dd#1 (from my first marriage) to claim and we should split the two. He will only be paying child support on one, not both. I honestly think I need to get out of the house because if I don't, I'm just going to keep giving in to try and make this easy

If you give a mouse a cookie....

I did the same thing at first and paid for it later because the demands never stop. I felt guilty because it was my decision to leave and wanted to smooth things over. As hard as it is, and as easy as it would be to give him a little leeway to make the process easier, try to stick to your guns and pick your battles wisely. ((HUGS))

[doriswe]

Oct 28, 2012 21:52:33 GMT -5 janedoe said:

In our county the judge always grants 50/50 unless there is a valid point of abuse, drug issues, ect. If its all about the money then I just want to take less. Unfortunately he isn't going to go for it. I really can't understand why he wants her so much when as it is, my mom watches her at when I'm at work and he is off so he can have is "me" time. Maybe it will be temporary when he realizes how much work it really is

Do you mean physical placement or legal? I can see joint legal, but I don't really know that physical placement is "always" anything.

[mcgee]

Legal custody is almost always 50/50 unless there are serious extenuating circumstances, but PHYSICAL custody is rarely an exact 50/50 split. I do have a friend who has an exact 50/50 split with her ex, and neither pays child support, BUT they both live close to each other, he was an involved parent before the divorce, they both have similar incomes, and it was what worked best for them. She freely admits that their situation is not the norm in divorce and custody.

Do not give in because it's "easier" or because you feel guilty over leaving. Whatever goes into the terms of the divorce will likely be what you are stuck with long-term unless you can get a judge to reverse course later. Don't give in because you're trying to save money now if you really don't believe it's what is best for your child.

That you have a child from another marriage has NOTHING to do with the child you share with your STBX. You each should claim your child on alternating years in terms of taxes. That's what is fair. Your older DD is of no relevance. In terms of child support for DD, ask for what you realistically need and/or are entitled to.

[naeljun]

My ex can be a douche but he has never complained about having to give me support for our child. He knows if he takes me back to court his support will decrease but he hasn't even done that. You know why? Because it is for his child. These fathers who say they want 50/50 physical custody so they don't have to pay to support them is just selfish and ludicrous. For the most part they don't really want to spend that much more time with their children, it is because they feel they are paying their ex wife. What they don't realize is that support is not a subsidy for the ex, it is to support their children.

[stephbfan]

I think he is doing all of this because you are letting him! You are letting him push you around. Your ex is manipulating you and is making you feel guilty to get what he wants.

Do what you think its right. He was not an involved father before, I would not agree to 50/50. No one is saying to keep the child away from him.

The tax thing, why would even agree to that? You have a child from a previous relationship AND a child with this man. Why would you even feel guilty to claim her if you have TWO children to provide for, not just one.

Custody cases are never easy, well are rarely easy. Do what you think its best for your child and don't agree to anything you don't feel comfortable with. Once is in the decree you are going to have a hard time to change anything.