Kind of a vent/what do you think?

[jax373]

I have been lurking for quite a while but am planning to start posting on other boards so figured I would post here and get all of your opinions.

My H and I have been married for 4 years, together for 8. We have two kids, DD1 is 3 years old, DD2 is 8 months old.

Shortly after DD1 was born, I noticed a change in our relationship as I'm sure happens to everyone since kids do change things. We started to drift apart, not talking as much but things weren't too bad. But after DD2 was born in Sept 2012, everything seemed to fall apart. We are both unhappy (both on anti-d's for depression), don't talk much, sex life pretty much non-existent. At the end of March, we had a big talk about what we both want, if we can make things work, be happy again....I thought we pretty much decided to seperate for a while/take some time away to think but a few days later, it's like we never even talked about that stuff, he seemed mad when I mentioned moving out, like he didn't remember the previous talk. We went to couples therapy once, I've been a couple times on my own. He refuses to go on his own.

Along with all this, he started a new job around the time DD1 was born. He befriended a female. I was fine with their friendship until after DD2 was born. I happened to check text messages one day and noticed they were texting back and forth hundreds of times a day. I confronted him and he said nothing was going on, they were just talking about the kids (she has two as well, never married), random stuff. Somehow I don't buy that when some texts were in the wee hours of the morning but whatever..... I don't think he is cheating but the relationship makes me uncomfortable so I told him to cool it. He did for a while but it picked back up and we had another blow out about it in April. I think he is still talking to her....he basically said, well, if I'm going to lose you, I don't want to lose my friend too. Oh vey. Anyway.....

I guess after all this time, I have a lot of negative feelings built up about our relationship and a lot of resentment towards him for not helping very much with the kids (I cook dinner all the time, give all baths, put to bed, etc). Within the past month or so, I think it finally started to sink in that he may lose me so he has been helping more but I'm still stuck in the mindset of wanting out.

I was going to move out into my own apartment with the kids. My parents offered for me to move in with them for a while in case I decide in a few months to go back. I think I am going to do that, probably move this weekend. I just need time away to think and decide if we can ever be happy again. He seems to think that me moving out for a while means the absolute end. I can't seem to get it through to him that I just need time for myself to think and decide. I also can't get it through to him that for our marriage to have any chance of remaining/being worked on, he needs to completely cut off contact with this other chick/friend.

Sorry, this probably doesn't all make sense, I feel like I jumped around a lot but I didn't want it to end up enormous. So I guess.....am I doing the right thing? I'm not ready to completely end it with divorce but he seems to be unwilling to make the most important changes (like not talking to other chick anymore). I feel like I should try more, go to therapy with him again but I'm kind of to the point where I am just so tired of trying. And I don't know if I can be happy with him anymore. I still care about him though so it makes it that much harder.

[jax373]

And I know you guys can't decide for me but I guess I am just looking for validation that I am not completely messed up in the head.

[malibu]

If he can't stop talking to some other woman who makes you uncomfortable, I would say it's likely over and you are doing the right thing. A decent husband would have said "Sure, no problem" and actually done it. He didn't, and isn't willing to. That pretty much shows you how much he respects you right there.

[jax373]

May 22, 2012 11:25:21 GMT -5 malibu said:

If he can't stop talking to some other woman who makes you uncomfortable, I would say it's likely over and you are doing the right thing. A decent husband would have said "Sure, no problem" and actually done it. He didn't, and isn't willing to. That pretty much shows you how much he respects you right there.

That's what I need to hear! I've told him that before but he just.does.not.get.it. Thank you.

[fussbucket]

This guy is not willing to put any effort into your relationship.

Shit, he can't even put any effort into ending it. He's got his "friend" on deck and he's just waiting for you to move out to jump in her pants.

He's managed to get everything figured and sorted out for himself, but none of it involves you.

So it's good you have a plan of action. I'd quit waiting to get your hand stamped for reentry on your way out. I don't think you'll be back..

[wrathofkuus]

I'd go straight for the apartment, since it's clear that your parents think you should go back to him after taking some time out.

[Deleted]

Honestly, taking a break often does mean that things are over. It may not mean that you never go back, but it means that you're starting the process of leaving.

If you're inhappy in your marriage and you want to take the kids and move in to an apartment to get some time to yourself then do that. I wouldn't move in with your parents. Living with them and having all of their opinions and influence battering you isn't going to help you think more clearly. Stand on your own two feet. Prove you can do it. Then and only then, when you are living your own life, decide if you want your husband to be a part of it again.

[jax373]

You are all very wise. Thank you for your advice. I agree with you all. I am going to rethink moving in with my parents and just keep looking for an apartment.

feinicstine - I am mesmorized by the cat in your siggy.

[Deleted]

I'm not sure where people get this notion that you have to forgive your H for being a useless bit of baggage just because he starts doing the dishes every now and then.

He has shown who he is. Take your shit and go.

[ECB]

So, he seems to think that as long as he helps around the house a little, all is good. Awesome.

The fact that he's so unwilling to end that friendship speaks volumes. I'd be telling him I'll only stay if he ends it AND goes to counseling.

If he says no to either or both, then leave. Helping around the house (which probably won't last anyhow) simply isn't going to cut it.

Whether you go to your parents or not- I don't have an opinion. If you do it, though, I would do it w/ a firm end date in mind. or at least a firm plan of action.
\
Oh, and by the way - I'd say he IS cheating. Emotional affair counts as cheating.

[motzie]

Hundreds of times a day, this is more than a friend. Do yourself a favor and just start calling her the other woman. And get that apartment, asap.

[jax373]

May 22, 2012 11:57:31 GMT -5 ECB said:

Oh, and by the way - I'd say he IS cheating. Emotional affair counts as cheating.

I do think there is something emotional going on otherwise why can't he just end it, kwim? I think it is funny that when all this started in March/April he said that she was trying to help us stay together. Funny because if that was me, I would get the hell out of the guy's life if I didn't want to ruin his marriage. Yet, there she still is.

[wrathofkuus]

How exactly does he say she's helping the two of you to stay together? Is she making efforts to contact you and become your friend, perhaps? Or telling him to put down the damn phone and go spend time with his wife when he texts her incessantly?


What's that? None of these things, you say? Uh huh.

[ECB]

May 22, 2012 12:09:15 GMT -5 wrathofkuus said:

What's that? None of these things, you say? Uh huh.

:Y:

[Deleted]

May 22, 2012 11:55:21 GMT -5 @habbsies said:

I'm not sure where people get this notion that you have to forgive your H for being a useless bit of baggage just because he starts doing the dishes every now and then.

He has shown who he is. Take your shit and go.

Yep - this.

[jax373]

May 22, 2012 12:18:27 GMT -5 calle28 said:

he won't stop talking to his "friend" to possibly save the marriage. i don't see what else their is to discuss. does he let you read the text messages?

you're doing the right thing by leaving. i think as long as your parents are a strong support system, i don't see anything wrong with staying with them for awhile.

No, I haven't read them, just saw how many there were. And I don't think he would let me read them actually.

[BettyBookWorm]

May 22, 2012 12:09:15 GMT -5 wrathofkuus said:

How exactly does he say she's helping the two of you to stay together? Is she making efforts to contact you and become your friend, perhaps? Or telling him to put down the damn phone and go spend time with his wife when he texts her incessantly?


What's that? None of these things, you say? Uh huh.

Yeah...

I would drop this dead weight. I'm sorry you had to deal with this issue, but better now than later. Ditch him, and move on. He's a wanker.

[jax373]

Thanks everyone. Deep down, I know I need to do this and move on....I just keep second guessing myself. Does the second guessing ever go away?

[wrathofkuus]

When you're well out and it's truly over, and you're with a guy who isn't acting an ass, you won't second-guess getting rid of your current husband at all.

[vela]

say bye to this guy and hi to your new life !

[Deleted]

Yes, it goes away...especially after you get confirmation that he IS cheating on you and has been, Leaving is the hardest part...you will feel a sense of relief that first night!

[picklepickle]

I agree with PPs: you know what you have to do right now for you and your children. Leave. Don't stay with the 'rents. You are strong enough to do this on your own and will be better for it.

Good luck.

[kaneen]

May 22, 2012 13:44:36 GMT -5 wrathofkuus said:

When you're well out and it's truly over, and you're with a guy who isn't acting an ass, you won't second-guess getting rid of your current husband at all.

I'm disappointed in you Kuus. She won't need another guy to stop second guessing. It'll just take getting out and it being truly over.

[wrathofkuus]

I suspect that if she's having a particularly dry spell, and she just watched something super romantic like Hackers, and she's the only person watching kids who are being hellions, she'll have a pang of "what if?"

[vccake]

The only thing I can add to this -- is maybe get your ducks in a row before you move out. Like -- consult a lawyer and keep that little tidbit to yourself. I'd also continue private therapy if it's possible because I think it can only be helpful.

Also I suspect he'll panic. I might be wrong. But I think when he sees his wife strap on her testes and move out (and you know, that is sexist bc it implies only a man can be brave - which is all kinds of bullshit -- but it looked nice while I was typing it) he will shit his pants. He will try to make bargains with you and agree to therapy, blah, blah. So plan that out -- what would you do if he panics? imo, I'd continue with the separation for a certain period of time...months, not weeks... to think about it.

[kaneen]

Fine. That I'll give you.