When to broach the kid discussion?

[emma245]

I had my second date with the guy from online yesterday and we had a BLAST again. He is so easy to talk to, down to earth, cute, nice, everything I want.

He has an 18 year old son that just went to college. Anyways, on our first date, and his online profile, he stated that he didn't necessarily want more kids but wasnt totally closed to the idea. So basically hes undecided.

I def want kids so I dont want to fall too deep into this. He invited me to a party this weekend but Im just trying to figure out what to do? Maybe Im being overly anxious about the issue and should just relax but I already feel like I really like him....no kids is a deal breaker for me

[doriswe]

I think you need to slow down a notch.....I don't think you should be wondering if he's interested in impregnanting you this soon....it will come up in conversation eventually. I think if you bring it up this early on, he's going to see you as focused on a ring and a baby.

[achase123]

Meh, I kind of see it the other way. There are some things that, for each of us are a dealbreaker. Sounds like this is one of them. I understand not wanting to fall too hard or too deep if you know for sure he's a definitive "no" on having any more children.

I would just speak up and say that you have been having fun with him and definitely don't want him to think you're jumping the gun, but having children someday is important to you so you're trying to see where he stands on this.

[Deleted]

I agree with Doris. Just go with it and have fun. I would wait to broach the issue until the exclusivity talk comes up.

[emma245]

Oct 29, 2012 11:18:04 GMT -5 achase123 said:

Meh, I kind of see it the other way. There are some things that, for each of us are a dealbreaker. Sounds like this is one of them. I understand not wanting to fall too hard or too deep if you know for sure he's a definitive "no" on having any more children.

I would just speak up and say that you have been having fun with him and definitely don't want him to think you're jumping the gun, but having children someday is important to you so you're trying to see where he stands on this.

I was kind of thinking of it like this. Obviously if things continue to go well like bringing it up like this casually.

[dakotadangerdog]

His profile says he's open to it, for now just go with that.

[glitzyglow]

I would wait to talk about it if you all consider getting serious. I sincerely do not know if I want children and I don't think I could tell someone on the second date, "I definitely want kids with you someday!" Get to know him more. He may not even be someone you'd want to have kids with. If it turns out he is, then bring up the subject.

[BlueBayou]

Oct 29, 2012 12:41:13 GMT -5 @redvelvet29 said:

My profile says I want to have kids someday and I would be incredibly annoyed and turned off if someone asked me about having kids after 2 dates. I get that it's a deal breaker for you but it really is too soon

This.
Agreed.

See if YOU would even want to have kids with this guy before you worry about if HE would want them.

[BlueBayou]

Dang it I just saw glitzyglow and i had the same thought lol

[jojoandleo]

Team Achase with this one. He says he MAY be open to kids, which may just be a way to not limit who he can get a date with on Match. If it's a deal breaker, I would rather know sooner than later.

[Deleted]

How old is this guy?
Don't bring it up yet. It's wayyyyyyyy too soon. He's undecided now but I believe he'll make a decision (yes or no) when he is serious with someone.

[jojoandleo]

Oct 29, 2012 13:50:26 GMT -5 @redvelvet29 said:

Oct 29, 2012 12:55:04 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

Team Achase with this one. He says he MAY be open to kids, which may just be a way to not limit who he can get a date with on Match. If it's a deal breaker, I would rather know sooner than later.

What if he is just unsure about kids? Some people (like myself) really do not know if they want kids or not and I wouldn't be able to answer the question with a yes or no. I would just say I may be open to it and it depends on if I meet the right person... which isn't really much of an answer.

If a person is 100% into having kids why not just date another person that is 100% into having kids? Seems easier

Hence why I think she should get it out on the table. Maybe it is too early for some, but depending on how old you are, it is something you need to know before you waste time with someone who is a definite no posing as a "maybe".

[redredwine]

Oct 29, 2012 14:05:58 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

Oct 29, 2012 13:50:26 GMT -5 @redvelvet29 said:

What if he is just unsure about kids? Some people (like myself) really do not know if they want kids or not and I wouldn't be able to answer the question with a yes or no. I would just say I may be open to it and it depends on if I meet the right person... which isn't really much of an answer.

If a person is 100% into having kids why not just date another person that is 100% into having kids? Seems easier

Hence why I think she should get it out on the table. Maybe it is too early for some, but depending on how old you are, it is something you need to know before you waste time with someone who is a definite know posing as a "maybe".

YAY for you having a great secon date.

But I also agree that's it's more of a sooner vs. later thing. I'd approach it more as "Hey, I know this is awkward to bring up, but I don't want to waste your time or you to waste mine if you're not open to having kids."

[emma245]

Oct 29, 2012 14:29:20 GMT -5 redredwine said:

Oct 29, 2012 14:05:58 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

Hence why I think she should get it out on the table. Maybe it is too early for some, but depending on how old you are, it is something you need to know before you waste time with someone who is a definite know posing as a "maybe".

YAY for you having a great secon date.

But I also agree that's it's more of a sooner vs. later thing. I'd approach it more as "Hey, I know this is awkward to bring up, but I don't want to waste your time or you to waste mine if you're not open to having kids."

See youre reading my mind! I just dont want to waste either of ours time. I really really like him though and we get along so well (I know its still way early) but I feel like its something I need to know within like the next month lets say.

[doriswe]

How old are you both?

[Deleted]

Yeah, how old are you both?

[achase123]

I'm just of the mindset that it's best to get everything out there as soon as possible. It eliminates any game playing. If he's a mature, honest adult he won't be freaked out by the hypothetical question, and will appreciate Emma's candor. I think it's common to talk about things that could potentially be deal breakers. I went on two dates with W but I asked about his history with drugs because those things are deal breakers for me. Call me nosey maybe but I really need to know.

[stephbfan]

I don't think you should make it a very serious conversation. I'm sure, there is a "light" approach to the subject.

So how has it been having a teenager? is it hard? what is your kid doing? ..... (insert any other question about his kid here) Would you be open to more kids? Wait for his answer, answer if he asks you the same thing and then move on to a different topic.

I would want to know sooner rather than later. I'm also on the undecided camp. I'm not sure I want another kid but if I meet someone that wants kids, I could change my mind but my daughter is only 4.

[jojoandleo]

I guess I tend to ask personal questions when I am dating someone. Where do you see yourself in the future? What are your feelings on marriage/kids? These tend to be third date topics for me. I mean, if they think I am weird, then they aren't the right person for me anyway. I say, do what feels right for you!

[jojoandleo]

I think it depends on where you are in your life. If at 25 someone asked me all these questions, No, i wouldn't know. But now at almost 30, yes. I know where I want my life to go, I know my feelings on marriage/kids, etc. That doesn't mean what I want will happen, but if looking for a partner, I would hope our "wants" in life meshed. I think age matters for these questions. If you are in your mid thirties, you have to ask these questions if you want kids.

If you are in your mid/late twenties, I think it is easier to step back and go with the flow. No big deal if 4 months in he doesn't want kids,start over with someone new!

[jojoandleo]

Oct 29, 2012 17:00:22 GMT -5 @redvelvet29 said:

oh no... I am almost 32

I feel like at 25 I was so sure I wanted marriage and kids and now I am so undecided. I hope my date tonight doesn't ask me these questions!

LOL. It's not a mandate, I think more personal preference. 32 is YOUNG! I promise! You have time! You don't know what you want right now, and that's cool. Give me a few years and everything I want will probably change anyway. I'm a fickle thing. I just think if for HER it's important, there is no harm in asking. If it scares him off, eh, maybe he wasn't right for her then.

[emma245]

Oct 29, 2012 16:55:24 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

I think it depends on where you are in your life. If at 25 someone asked me all these questions, No, i wouldn't know. But now at almost 30, yes. I know where I want my life to go, I know my feelings on marriage/kids, etc. That doesn't mean what I want will happen, but if looking for a partner, I would hope our "wants" in life meshed. I think age matters for these questions. If you are in your mid thirties, you have to ask these questions if you want kids.

If you are in your mid/late twenties, I think it is easier to step back and go with the flow. No big deal if 4 months in he doesn't want kids,start over with someone new!

Im turning 31 soon and really would like to have my first kid by 35 for health reasons. Hes 39.

[jojoandleo]

I think it is good you have options! No point in settling down to one option right now. I did make some seemingly blanket statements there, sorry. My point was just if she is 100% sure she wants kids, better talk about it now than later. I, personally, am only 75% sure I DON'T want kids.

Live it up while you can!

[Deleted]

RV. Don't feel bad at all. I think more along the same lines as you. I look at dating as something fun and I don't necessarily look for the end game. I'm not even sure if I want to be married again. On some dates I've been on I feel like I'm interviewing to be the future spouse and it's all a bit much and overwhelming. It just feels like boxes are getting checked off and I don't really learn a lot about if we even have chemistry.

[jm5855]

I am in the sooner rather than later camp. I dated an awesome woman for a couple months about a year ago and this very issue was as a divide between us. We both knew it very early on but still decided to see each other for a while because we liked hanging out together. Luckily for us she moved across the country before either of us was too emotionally invested and no one was hurt. Even though my situation ended on good terms I would hate to see you start falling for this guy more and more for him to only break your heart and say no to more children.

I have a hunch in his heart he does not want more children and I do not blame him because his son is 18. Let's say you fall in love, get married, have a child...well that is 2-3 years from now. So now there is an over 20 year gap between his two kids....that is a huge gap IMO. Plus that would put him in his early 40's and having another baby. Most of the guys I know do not like the idea of having kids at that age. I am definately NOT saying this guy is thinking in these terms, because there is also a chance he falls madly in love with you and would be excited to start a family with you.

[emma245]

Oct 29, 2012 17:27:16 GMT -5 jm5855 said:

I am in the sooner rather than later camp. I dated an awesome woman for a couple months about a year ago and this very issue was as a divide between us. We both knew it very early on but still decided to see each other for a while because we liked hanging out together. Luckily for us she moved across the country before either of us was too emotionally invested and no one was hurt. Even though my situation ended on good terms I would hate to see you start falling for this guy more and more for him to only break your heart and say no to more children.

I have a hunch in his heart he does not want more children and I do not blame him because his son is 18. Let's say you fall in love, get married, have a child...well that is 2-3 years from now. So now there is an over 20 year gap between his two kids....that is a huge gap IMO. Plus that would put him in his early 40's and having another baby. Most of the guys I know do not like the idea of having kids at that age. I am definately NOT saying this guy is thinking in these terms, because there is also a chance he falls madly in love with you and would be excited to start a family with you.

See thats what Im tending to think....hes already full on raised a kid to adulthood. I cant imagine he wants more but he said hes undecided and if the right person came along he would prob be open to it. I made it VERY clear that I do want kids but I wasnt crazy baby fever psycho about it aka I want to get pregnant NOW!

[Deleted]

Oct 29, 2012 17:29:47 GMT -5 @redvelvet29 said:

I am nervous for my date tonight... I already looked him up online and he seems very smart and cool... probably the coolest person in Boise at this point. I am going to really try to be myself but I am pretty nervous which isn't normal for me

I have a good feeling about this one!

[jm5855]

Oct 29, 2012 17:35:03 GMT -5 emma245 said:

Oct 29, 2012 17:27:16 GMT -5 jm5855 said:

I am in the sooner rather than later camp. I dated an awesome woman for a couple months about a year ago and this very issue was as a divide between us. We both knew it very early on but still decided to see each other for a while because we liked hanging out together. Luckily for us she moved across the country before either of us was too emotionally invested and no one was hurt. Even though my situation ended on good terms I would hate to see you start falling for this guy more and more for him to only break your heart and say no to more children.

I have a hunch in his heart he does not want more children and I do not blame him because his son is 18. Let's say you fall in love, get married, have a child...well that is 2-3 years from now. So now there is an over 20 year gap between his two kids....that is a huge gap IMO. Plus that would put him in his early 40's and having another baby. Most of the guys I know do not like the idea of having kids at that age. I am definately NOT saying this guy is thinking in these terms, because there is also a chance he falls madly in love with you and would be excited to start a family with you.

he said hes undecided and if the right person came along he would prob be open to it.

And since you barely know him it is likely hard for you to really know if he is telling you the truth or just telling you what you want to hear so he doesn't "rock the boat"

[glitzyglow]

Oct 29, 2012 17:27:16 GMT -5 jm5855 said:

I am in the sooner rather than later camp. I dated an awesome woman for a couple months about a year ago and this very issue was as a divide between us. We both knew it very early on but still decided to see each other for a while because we liked hanging out together. Luckily for us she moved across the country before either of us was too emotionally invested and no one was hurt. Even though my situation ended on good terms I would hate to see you start falling for this guy more and more for him to only break your heart and say no to more children.

I don't think anyone is saying wait months. I personally find it odd that on a third date with someone you don't really know you whip out the, "Hey, do you want more kids? If not, that's a dealbreaker!" Why not date someone for a few weeks, bring up the subject and see how it goes. It's one thing to be on the verge of getting serious with someone but another to ask someone you've met three times about their future life choices. If you all decide you want a future together, bring up that kids are a part of your future. If he's not down with that, let him go.

[angieawesome]

I hate being asked this initially. I am in the "undecided" camp, but in my heart, I'm 90 percent on not wanting more (I have two already), but I haven't ruled out the possibility of falling madly in love with some awesome guy and would change my mind if having a child was important to him. Its a bridge I'd prefer to cross a little more into things.