Walk me through the divorce & custody process

[calitime]

We just filed papers. When do we start trying to work out custody, visitation, child support, who gets what etc...

So far we are both working together well. We are trying to put aside our differences and aproach this calmly. So far so good and I hope this continues. We are already feeling each other out as far as what we will want and what trade offs we can make so that we both feel content.

Has anyone just used a mediator instead of two attorneys? I think I read somewhere that you don't even need attorneys and if both parties are agreeable then just a mediator can be used. Is this practical? Or problematic? If STBXH can stay rational then I wouldn't be opposed to using mediation to figure things out and not having to pay attorneys. I don't know where to get more info about this because everything online is vague. I was hoping you guys might have actual experience.

Thanks!

[formerlyak]

It may vary by state, but we used a paralegal. We both agreed on the terms (custody, etc) and went to the paralegal and told her what we wanted. She drew up the necessary papers and filed them for us. The judge approved our plan and we were done. It cost less than $1000. I am in California.

[doriswe]

We agreed to everything and did our own paperwork. We just had to pay the filing fees. We then had to represent ourselves in front of the judge.

[naeljun]

We started using a mediator but once my ex got rotten, I decided to get my own attorney. My friend, who does not have children, and her ex used one attorney. She said she wishes they each had their own.

[rose909]

We are using a mediator. We have our 3rd appt this week. It's fairly calm and really sooooo much cheaper. We have already worked out a custody schedule and Christmas. This week is going to be finances and child support. So far so good. Ya never know when it could get ugly though.

[rose909]

Oh and FYI. Here in NY we use the mediator until its time to file, then we get 2 separate attorneys to review with a judge then file so attorneys are still going to be involved.

[calitime]

Do you just discuss with the other parent your desired visitation etc and then have the mediator agree or help with any disagreements? Or is a standard schedule suggested and then you get to work out how you'd like to arrange it for your individual situation?

I ask because I think STBXH and I will be able to come to an agreement eventually but it will take some work. Our situation is very unique and difficult because we are a few states away from each other an our daughter isn't even 2 yet. H has indicated that h would like 2-4 weeks with her every couple of months. This is not really logical given out DDs age. I feel like if a mediator were to suggest a better schedule to him that he will be open to it. I fear that if I tell him my idea of a good schedule that he will feel like I'm not giving him enough time. I'd like someone to suggest a schedule to us so that we an then work it to our needs/desires as opposed to us just being left out here alone trying to figure it out.

[rose909]

We sit and discuss it all together. We have a board up and write stuff down...draw a calendar out etc. just discuss until it's worked out. There was no standard anything. We just started from scratch. You need to tell him your ideas of what you want and go from there. Don't be afraid!

[heavenly]

I am not sure but your sn makes it sounds like you are in CA? I did my divorce in CA, we were so amiciable that we didn't even use a mediator nor attorneys. Before our court date, we both had written out our agreed schedules and voiced what was important to us. It really made the divorce process in court go smoothly when we handed over the paper that listed everything we agreed on.

[heyney]

Im in CA too, and I did what it sounds like heavenly did. We both wrote down what we wanted, how we wanted visitation, bank accounts, etc. We also discussed EVERYTHING before/after meeting with the mediator. We only used a mediator to inform us both us our rights etc (its complicated).

[calitime]

Yes I'm in CA but I'm not yet sure if our court stuff will be in CA or TX

I'm from CA, H is from TX. We have lived in TX for a few years. I moved back to CA into my mom's house a month ago. H is fine that I live here as long as he gets a lot of visitation with DD. I filed separation papers (not divorce because you have to have 6 month residency to file divorce) and he is supposed to be served this week. He doesn't think CA has jurisdiction over our case since I am not a long term resident (his lawyer told him this, mine disagrees). He filed divorce papers on me in TX and I have yet to be served. So I don't know where we will end up doing it. Hopefully CA but I don't know.

[naeljun]

I think the difference in states would make using a mediator pretty difficult.