Vent: Do you ever regret being MM?

[noodleoo]

I’m annoyed at myself. H and were talking about Thanksgiving coming up and I mentioned that it might be a good idea to buy 2 more china settings for our formal china. We bought 8 settings after our wedding (I really wanted it but no one used our registry ). We don’t really need more than 8 for this year, but BBB already stopped carrying our pattern and it is pretty old, so a friend had recommended we get at least 1 extra setting since if we break one and the discontinue it, we’d be screwed.

Anyway, I checked Macy’s and it was on a pretty awesome sale plus they were offering a bonus 14” platter if you order 2 settings. Total cost would have been $170 and free shipping. I don’t know why, I hesitated. I kept asking H if I should buy it and he said it was up to me. Even though we can easily afford it, I didn’t buy it because I thought it was frivolous. Well, now the sale is over and it is back to $300 and I’m kicking myself.

This is really bothering me and I think it is also because when my H wants something, he just buys it. His hobby is photography and he just bought a new DSLR (very $$$) plus lenses, plus a flash, etc, etc. He spends $200 like it is nothing. Yet when I want something, I feel the need to really justify it and then I’m annoyed at myself for not buying it. I just feel like if we both spend money like water, we’ll be screwed. So since he’s a spender, I have to be the saver. And I feel like it is not fair. But it is my own fault. I should have just bought it.

[winnied]

Maybe you guys need to compromise. He should spend less and you should be able to spend more and not panic over every purchase. He needs to learn that his choices affect you as a couple and you shouldn't resent him/play the martyr role. I would easily do the same thing, so I'm not criticizing you, but you guys definitely need to be on the same page.

[dexteroni]

Oct 30, 2012 11:07:39 GMT -5 noodleoo said:

So since he’s a spender, I have to be the saver. And I feel like it is not fair.

F that. It isn't fair, and you shouldn't have to do that. Feeling like you can never buy anything because of his freewheeling spending is an excellent way to introduce resentment into your marriage. Talk to him about this ASAP and set up some spending limits.

ETA: And your two place settings get to come out of your DH's next month's share. lol.

[pamela]

First, check replacements.com for discontinued patterns. Second, yes, I often do what you just did. Especially for things that aren't really needs. But that's why we have a budget, to reign in the spenders in both of us.

[limey]

Have you guys had a serious talk about money and come up with a budget?

You buying extra china for the household isn't really "fun" money in my mind. At least not like a new camera for him is.

[sillygoosegirl]

Have you tried eBay yet?

I don't regret buying or not buying stuff all that often. But I do regret being so uptight and stressed out about money all the time, and spending so much time thinking about whether or not to make even small purchases... even as I continue to be that way. I don't know why, but I just can't seem to help myself.

[dexteroni]

Oct 30, 2012 11:12:02 GMT -5 winnied said:

He needs to learn that his choices affect you as a couple

This is a good way to phrase it. Does he know you limit your spending because of him? If not, he may not have any idea it's a problem. Do you have a budget? It sounds like either you don't, or he's not aware of it. Getting him more involved in, or at least aware of, your finances is really important.

[h]

I agree that your DH needs to think about how his choices are impacting you both, and you need to quit being a martyr.

But do check both ebay and replacements.com before buying the china at Macy's.

[aliceinfairyland]

I'm like that too. I've found its something that I impose on myself. I get so angry when DH spends money on stuff he needs (like new clothes) when I desperately need the same things, but I'm a saver, and he's a spender.

[gt7301b]

Your problem isn't that you are MM, it is that your system isn't working. You need to come up with a fair plan for spending money between the two of you.

[statlerwaldorf]

I did this with some bedding on clearance for DD. It was marked down 25% and I was waiting for it to hit 50%, but when I went back they sold all of one of the sizes I needed. The store doesn't sell them online and I couldn't find it anywhere else.

DH was more of a spender. We keep a list of things we want and I follow the deal sites and check clearance when I'm out. We started tracking our spending and we always plan larger purchases.

[aurora]

Oct 30, 2012 11:07:39 GMT -5 noodleoo said:

...Yet when I want something, I feel the need to really justify it and then I’m annoyed at myself for not buying it. I just feel like if we both spend money like water, we’ll be screwed. So since he’s a spender, I have to be the saver. And I feel like it is not fair. But it is my own fault. I should have just bought it.

When you make comments like this, I have to wonder if the issue is actually what he is spending (and you aren't) or if it is more your respective emotional connections to spending vs. saving. I don't know what your financial picture is, but I know I have struggled in the past with feeling like I shouldn't spend money on something because DH had already spent $x that month, when the truth is that our financial picture wouldn't have been harmed in the slightest by me buying whatever it was I wanted. So in our case, it was my issue because I had some emotional ties to feeling like we had saved enough (where "enough" was actually more than we needed to). I can't tell from your post if you are in a similar picture, but if it is, please do try to re-evaluate why you feel you can't buy what you want.

Of course, if DH's spending is actually getting in the way of your joint financial goals (or causing you not to buy things so as not to sacrifice those goals), then ignore my advice and follow that of the other posters about talking to him and budgeting fairly between you.

[pitterwoo]

I don't do this. I think I am the spender.

[noodleoo]

Oct 30, 2012 11:46:42 GMT -5 aurora said:

Oct 30, 2012 11:07:39 GMT -5 noodleoo said:

...Yet when I want something, I feel the need to really justify it and then I’m annoyed at myself for not buying it. I just feel like if we both spend money like water, we’ll be screwed. So since he’s a spender, I have to be the saver. And I feel like it is not fair. But it is my own fault. I should have just bought it.

When you make comments like this, I have to wonder if the issue is actually what he is spending (and you aren't) or if it is more your respective emotional connections to spending vs. saving. I don't know what your financial picture is, but I know I have struggled in the past with feeling like I shouldn't spend money on something because DH had already spent $x that month, when the truth is that our financial picture wouldn't have been harmed in the slightest by me buying whatever it was I wanted. So in our case, it was my issue because I had some emotional ties to feeling like we had saved enough (where "enough" was actually more than we needed to). I can't tell from your post if you are in a similar picture, but if it is, please do try to re-evaluate why you feel you can't buy what you want.

Of course, if DH's spending is actually getting in the way of your joint financial goals (or causing you not to buy things so as not to sacrifice those goals), then ignore my advice and follow that of the other posters about talking to him and budgeting fairly between you.

See, I think this is a big part of it. We are in a very good financial place right now, so the $200 would definitely not have been a big deal. But while H tends to be a "right now" kind of guy, I'm always thinking big picture. We are thinking of having kids soon and that scares the hell out of me financially. So while the $200 doesn't matter right now, I kind of feel like I have to think about our future.

I have talked to H about this and when we discuss it, he understands how I feel. But then a few weeks will go by and he kind of forgets. We discuss big purchases (like the DSLR) but then he went and bought the accessories without really telling me. See for him, he thinks of them as discrete events, $200 here, $300 there. But me, I add them all up and freak out in my head that he just spend $800 in like 6 weeks. Again, we have the money. We also just spend like $5K on vacation. So I guess I feel like we've spent a lot all at once.

The lesson to me is that I should have just bought it when it was on sale.

I will say my H thinks I'm way too uptight about money, and he's partly right. However, he fully admits if it wasn't for me, he wouldn't have paid off his student loans, upped his 401k and we probably wouldn't have the house we have. He's definitely the spender.

[dexteroni]

Oct 30, 2012 12:06:42 GMT -5 noodleoo said:

See for him, he thinks of them as discrete events, $200 here, $300 there. But me, I add them all up and freak out in my head that he just spend $800 in like 6 weeks.

That's where spending limits help. It makes him actually realize that all of his combined purchases add up, instead of just buying whatever and whenever he wants without a thought. And it blocks out the same amount in your budget for you to spend if you choose. As long as your DH stays within his limit most of the time, it should eliminate the issues you've written about here.

[mollz007]

I know what you mean, I am that way too, ssometimes with stuff that really isnt that expensive. Part of it is just my anxious personality. I need H to balance that out.

[Deleted]

This is not an MM issue.

This is a fairness issue.

[Deleted]

Unrelated, your avatar is adorable.

[noodleoo]

Oct 30, 2012 12:12:26 GMT -5 dexteroni said:

Oct 30, 2012 12:06:42 GMT -5 noodleoo said:

See for him, he thinks of them as discrete events, $200 here, $300 there. But me, I add them all up and freak out in my head that he just spend $800 in like 6 weeks.

That's where spending limits help. It makes him actually realize that all of his combined purchases add up, instead of just buying whatever and whenever he wants without a thought. And it blocks out the same amount in your budget for you to spend if you choose. As long as your DH stays within his limit most of the time, it should eliminate the issues you've written about here.

I'll try talking to him about that again. I mentioned it before but he didn't like it because he thinks if we can afford it, he shouldn't be limited. And he shops sales and stuff so doesn't want to wait to buy things.

Miso: thanks! I finally figured out how to use pics on here.

[Susie]

You guys sound like good candidates for his- and hers- fun money budget lines. Or even if you don't budget in the strict sense, maybe you should have a monthly cap apiece for non-essential/fun stuff. It's not fair for him to get all the blow money, and you being the saver to balance him is a recipe for resentment.

[Deleted]

This is basically exactly how we used to be, prekids. I was and will always be the saver. H is a spender. He would spend and I wouldn't to off set his spending. In reality we both could have spent, but I couldn't do it. He would check w/ me before he bought big stuff obviously but I would always tell him sure. He had something he really wanted and I always felt like I wasn't lacking for anything. Finally much like you I had enough. It wasn't H's fault at all, I was doing it to myself. We then went to fun money where we both get a set amount per month to spend or save however we want. This way he can still buy whatever he wants and I know the money is there and I can hoard it or spend it as I please.

[Deleted]

I'm a spender. And unless I hide money from myself I will spend every.single.penny that I bring home. Of course bills get paid but if I want something and have the money I'll spend it. Then I'll see I spent $100+ in a month on bs.

I've learned that I need to allot myself a certain amount each week for fun purchases. Otherwise, I'll spend it all. Sounds like your H needs something similar like other posters have said. You need to sit down and decide on an amount that works for the both of you.

[Deleted]

I have trouble pulling the trigger on larger purchases like that, especially if they are not "needs" and not something I'm going to get a lot of use on. I also dislike spending much on a single item. We don't even have china, but I can't think of any household items that I could spend $170 on without seriously going back and forth about it. I'm more likely to spend $170 on several items of clothing at one store, for instance, but only if each item is on sale and I'm getting a bunch of them. lol.

I think if anything, I'm jealous of DH's ability not to think like that. I don't think I spend or save more because of him, but sometimes I get thinking the way you did on this and think that I need to balance out other purchases that he/we have made together.

The other day I actually had a WWTD (what would my husband, T, do?) thought process when I was trying to buy shampoo and conditioner at Ulta. I spent $20 on the set, which is far more than I normally spend ($3-5 per bottle). I thought "what would T do? He'd buy these and not think twice about it. So, why shouldn't I?"

[aurora]

Oct 30, 2012 12:55:30 GMT -5 noodleoo said:

Oct 30, 2012 12:12:26 GMT -5 dexteroni said:

That's where spending limits help. It makes him actually realize that all of his combined purchases add up, instead of just buying whatever and whenever he wants without a thought. And it blocks out the same amount in your budget for you to spend if you choose. As long as your DH stays within his limit most of the time, it should eliminate the issues you've written about here.

I'll try talking to him about that again. I mentioned it before but he didn't like it because he thinks if we can afford it, he shouldn't be limited. And he shops sales and stuff so doesn't want to wait to buy things.

Miso: thanks! I finally figured out how to use pics on here.

Would simply tracking what you each spend every month on fun stuff - without putting a limit on it - make him more comfortable? If he's not seeing the big picture, maybe that's why he's resistant to a limit. Also, tracking could help you feel more comfortable, as well (it did for me - actually, it showed in the end that my buying smaller items more often totaled maybe ~70% of the less frequent larger items he bought, when I had thought it would be a lot less, so that was eye-opening for both of us).

Also, are you both paying yourselves first (putting money into savings)? Maybe if you were to agree to increase that amount a little as a compromise you would worry less about his spending and he wouldn't feel like you were looking over his shoulder.