How were you disciplined growing up?

[jm5855]

How did your parents handle this?

Yelling/screaming?
Spanking?
Grounding?
Reduction in priviledges?
All of the above?

I know there are other forms besides these but just throwing out some examples.

In today's world, would you consider spanking a child an acceptable means of discipline? Let's say you are divorced and a stepmom/stepdad is spanking your child...you ok with that?

[bullygirl979]

I could probably count on 1 hand the number of times I was spanked, but it was used. More often than not, I was grounded or not allowed to do something. My parents would raise their voices at me but I wouldn't call it "yelling and screaming".

[starburst604]

I was grounded/punished and my mom would spank us but not often. Usually just when she completely flipped her lid over something really bad. No wooden spoons or anything were used, I always find it weird when someone tells me their parent grabbed an object to hit them with.

I'm not a parent, but I don't think it's appropriate for a stepparent to spank a child. Isn't spanking pretty much outlawed now anyway?

[jm5855]

Would say spanking at a very young age, the yelling and screaming came later when I was in highschool and put my poor mom my through hell...lol.

[doriswe]

As a little kid, hit....a lot....but honestly, my older brother took the brunt of the abuse. It stuck with me, to be honest. Have I spanked my kids, yup....but I can count on one hand how many times and it was not my finest parenting moment.

As for stepkids, I think step-parents should have the ability to discipline (i.e. time outs/grounding/whatever) but never hands on the kid.

[jm5855]

Oct 30, 2012 11:41:59 GMT -5 mintchocochip said:

I was spanked twice, both when it was for something that would be dangerous like getting on an escalator the wrong way. I was yelled at, sure but my parents told me they were disappointed in me. That was worse than anything. I was a kid who punished myself and that was enough to keep me in line.

I'd be pissed if a stepparent was disciplining my child out if line with what my ex and I had decided for guidelines

Agreed

[Deleted]

I was spanked and grounded/reduction in priviledges.

I know 2 kids (7 and 13) who get 0 discipline. Dad is gone all week and mom stays at home. Seriously, I've never wanted to slap kids in the face so much. They are such assholes kids. And every adult around them want to slap them in the face. Their parents should be ashamed. Everyone hates their kids with a passion.

[stephbfan]

I was spanked all the time. My mom was the one who did it and my dad was way too permissive.

I have spanked DD on rare, very rare occasions and I hated myself because of that. I think punishments are more effective than physical abuse.

If I ever get married, I would allow my SO to discipline a child but if I (as her mother) never lay a hand on her, I would not allow my SO to do it.

My cousin just moved in with her GF. She has a 3y/o who used to sleep in the same bed with her. Now that my cousin is in there, the boy was moved to another room. She cries and cries and is hostile to my cousin (totally understandable) and now my cousin is proud because he is spanking the child and teaching him how to behave. I was so fucking mad at my cousin and at her stupid GF who haven't even been together more than a year and lets him do that.

[udscoobychick]

Depended on the age. I was spanked or told to go to my room/put in time out when I was grade school or younger. Sent to my room or reduction of privileges in middle school (usually not being allowed to go out to play with my friends or having my books taken away). Reduction of privileges or grounded in high school. My parents would occasionally raise their voice at me, but never really yelled, mainly because I didn't yell back. I wasn't the screaming, slam my door type of kid. My dad and my sister did get into some epic shouting matches when she was in high school, though.

[formerlyak]

My cousin's therapist had a line, "Step parents, step back." By this she meant that for the most part, disciplining should not be the job of a step parent. It should be the parent who disciplines. That said, if the child is doing something that will put them in danger, and the parent isn't around our doesn't see it, the step parent should say something.

This is the line of thinking we use in our houses.

I have never, nor will I ever, spanked my ds. I just don't believe it is a productive method of disciplining.

[turtle1120]

Growing up, I was disciplined by all of the above.

I'm not 100% against spanking, but I don't think it should be used on the regular. As for step-parents, I think it's okay for them to discipline in terms of time-outs, taking away privileges and grounding, but I don't think they should be spanking.

[heavenly]

:poof:

[jojoandleo]

When I was little-it was time outs. When I got older, it was lectures and grounding. Buuuut, I was a good kid and never got in trouble (read:dork who got in trouble once for staying up past my bedtime... to read), so I rarely got grounded. My parents did the whole "I'm disappointed in you" thing, which kept me in line. My sister was more of a trouble maker and she got grounded/privileges taken away.

My parents don't believe in spankings. They always thought if you hit a kid, you are teaching the kid to hit.

[sweetchix]

Oct 30, 2012 11:35:25 GMT -5 bullygirl979 said:

I could probably count on 1 hand the number of times I was spanked, but it was used. More often than not, I was grounded or not allowed to do something. My parents would raise their voices at me but I wouldn't call it "yelling and screaming".

Mainly this, but my mom and I got into some screaming matches on occasion and once, after I had been hitting my sister over something I don't remember, my mom came up to me and started hitting me. My sister actually started yelling for my mom to stop. I don't really remember much of it though, and not that I think that kind of punishment is ok, but I did deserve it. I was a bad kid in regards to hitting my sister, talking back to my parents... Not very respectful.

[stephbfan]

Oct 30, 2012 12:13:33 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

My parents don't believe in spankings. They always thought if you hit a kid, you are teaching the kid to hit.

This is what I think.

I have spanked DD like 2 times and she hit me back. I got mad and she told me, well you hit me first.

[prettyinpearls]

I was spanked a few rare instances, but it didn't have any kind of residual affect on me. Mostly my punishments consisted of having things taken away from me or being grounded.

I've spanked DS maybe two times and both times he laughed at me. His punishments consist of a warning and then time-out. If he keeps repeating a behavior, he loses a toy. Spanking, IMO, is not effective. I'm not anti-spanking but it's not something we practice in our house.

As far as the step-parent thing goes, FF has the same ability to punish DS that I do. He's given DS time outs and taken toys away, just like I have. In my opinion, if the step-parent isn't acting like a true parent to the child (i.e. giving out punishments) then the child won't view them as a parent figure. However, I think our situation is a little different because FF has been around since DS was 15 months old. It's not like he came into a relationship with an older child who has to adjust to having a new "parent" in the family equation.

ETA: Punishment teaches respect to a child, even though they don't realize it at the time. A child who has a parent that cares enough to teach them right for wrong will respect them for that. Thats why I believe step-parents should have the same punishment rights as the bio-parents. It's about respect.

[chrissie3416]

I think I was spanked like once or twice. My parents mostly grounded us and/or took away privileges.
As a mom, I do not spank. I use time out and take away privileges.

[jm5855]

At dinner last night my kids told me about their stepdad spanking my 5 yr old son this past Sunday. I don't spank my kids, this jerk sure as hell isn't going to.

Seriously I would love to relieve this little assbag of some teeth, but we all know that will only cause more problems.... so I won't..for now. I have reached out to my ex and am awaiting her response. I assume she will play the game where she denies everything..typical.

[jojoandleo]

Oct 30, 2012 12:30:55 GMT -5 jm5855 said:

At dinner last night my kids told me about their stepdad spanking my 5 yr old son this past Sunday. I don't spank my kids, this jerk sure as hell isn't going to.

Seriously I would love to relieve this little assbag of some teeth, but we all know that will only cause more problems.... so I won't..for now. I have reached out to my ex and am awaiting her response. I assume she will play the game where she denies everything..typical.

I would not be okay with this. I think a step-parent can discipline, but I think physical violence is a no-no. If the bio-parent spanks, I have a bit of an issue with it, but their kid, their choice, a step-parent? No. Give a time out and let mom handle anything harsher. Sorry JM.

Signed-the girl with hippy non-spanking parents.

[formerlyak]

Oct 30, 2012 12:21:09 GMT -5 prettyinpearls said:

ETA: Punishment teaches respect to a child, even though they don't realize it at the time. A child who has a parent that cares enough to teach them right for wrong will respect them for that. Thats why I believe step-parents should have the same punishment rights as the bio-parents. It's about respect.

I have to disagree. I don't think punishment teaches kids to be respectful. I think parents need to model respect for children and teach them to embrace that value -- both in the household and with their friends and teachers at school.

Fi has never once disciplined my ds, and ds has more respect for him than he has for probably most other people (not that ds is disrespectful, but he just really looks up to and respects fi). He respects him because he sees how fi conducts himself and how others around us react to that behavior and he wants to be like that -- not because he disciplines him. Fi will remind him of a rule if he isn't abiding by it (i.e. no Kindle at the dinner table), but if ds continues I will handle it.

And in the case when both parents are still involved, I think step parents need to let the parents discipline. A step parents can remind the child of the rules and be a role model for the child, but the parent should discipline.

[jojoandleo]

Oct 30, 2012 12:36:15 GMT -5 formerlyak said:

Oct 30, 2012 12:21:09 GMT -5 prettyinpearls said:

ETA: Punishment teaches respect to a child, even though they don't realize it at the time. A child who has a parent that cares enough to teach them right for wrong will respect them for that. Thats why I believe step-parents should have the same punishment rights as the bio-parents. It's about respect.

I have to disagree. I don't think punishment teaches kids to be respectful. I think parents need to model respect for children and teach them to embrace that value -- both in the household and with their friends and teachers at school.

Fi has never once disciplined my ds, and ds has more respect for him than he has for probably most other people (not that ds is disrespectful, but he just really looks up to and respects fi). He respects him because he sees how fi conducts himself and how others around us react to that behavior and he wants to be like that -- not because he disciplines him. Fi will remind him of a rule if he isn't abiding by it (i.e. no Kindle at the dinner table), but if ds continues I will handle it.

And in the case when both parents are still involved, I think step parents need to let the parents discipline. A step parents can remind the child of the rules and be a role model for the child, but the parent should discipline.

I agree with most of this,especially the bolded. However, if the step-parent is alone with the kid, I think a "wait till your om gets home" is not very effective. I think a step-parent can give a time-out or some simple on the spot punishment. Bigger punishments (grounding/spanking) should be discussed and dealt by the bio-parent.

My first step-dad was mean and he disciplined me all the time. normally by calling me worthless and other names. I had ZERO respect for him.

[jm5855]

Thanks Jojo.

Wanted to get some perspective on this to make sure I wasn't overreacting..which I tend to do with issues involving my kids. I appreciate everyone's opinion.

[formerlyak]

Oct 30, 2012 12:40:29 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

I think a step-parent can give a time-out or some simple on the spot punishment. Bigger punishments (grounding/spanking) should be discussed and dealt by the bio-parent.

That is what I meant in my initial response where I said if it was something that would put the child in danger, the step-parent should do something. If my kid is trying to play with a hot iron and fi keeps asking him to stop and he keeps doing it, of course he should tell him to go to his room and then they should talk about it.

But for a lot of things, I don't think I discipline like other people so that may be part of the difference as well. For example, I know a lot of parents who use time outs if their kid has a fresh mouth. I generally don't. I will sometimes tell him to take a seat and take a breath and then DS and I have a conversation about why a fresh mouth is not ok and why it is not an effective way to communicate. I'd be ok with a step parent having that conversation with ds, but I don't think of that as "discipline." I think of that as teaching my child how to be a good member of society. But I also realize that my kid is 6 and can handle that conversation. A younger child? Maybe not.

[stephbfan]

Oct 30, 2012 12:30:55 GMT -5 jm5855 said:

At dinner last night my kids told me about their stepdad spanking my 5 yr old son this past Sunday. I don't spank my kids, this jerk sure as hell isn't going to.

Seriously I would love to relieve this little assbag of some teeth, but we all know that will only cause more problems.... so I won't..for now. I have reached out to my ex and am awaiting her response. I assume she will play the game where she denies everything..typical.

WTF, I would be fuming!!

[jojoandleo]

AK-That's pretty much how my parents were. I got a lot of lectures. LOL. I think my sister and I turned out pretty well. She has a good degree and a good job and I am doing well in school. My little brother is step-dad's kid and he used fear to keep him inline. He had a drinking problem by like 13. He has straightened out now (My mom ended up sending him to boarding school), but I don't think fear and violence were the way to go. I think if he had been treated like we were, he may not have gone through the rebellion phase he did.

[formerlyak]

Oct 30, 2012 12:51:32 GMT -5 stephbfan said:

Oct 30, 2012 12:30:55 GMT -5 jm5855 said:

At dinner last night my kids told me about their stepdad spanking my 5 yr old son this past Sunday. I don't spank my kids, this jerk sure as hell isn't going to.

Seriously I would love to relieve this little assbag of some teeth, but we all know that will only cause more problems.... so I won't..for now. I have reached out to my ex and am awaiting her response. I assume she will play the game where she denies everything..typical.

WTF, I would be fuming!!

I'd be more than fuming.

[doriswe]

Oct 30, 2012 12:52:41 GMT -5 formerlyak said:

Oct 30, 2012 12:51:32 GMT -5 stephbfan said:

WTF, I would be fuming!!

I'd be more than fuming.

I'd kill XH's gf if she ever put her hands on my kid....true story.

[glitzyglow]

Yelling/screaming? My mom was the biggest screamer of all. I hardly got to yell since she was already yelling. If she thought I was yelling, she'd smack me in the mouth until I was about 13?

Spanking? My mom was a spanker, oh was she. I'd say she stopped spanking/smacking around 13.

Grounding? I was grounded as a teen. I will say, my mom was a stickler when it came to grounding and made sure I carried out my sentence. I may have hated her for it, but it sure made me think twice before doing anything stupid. I'd hear my friend say they were grounded, but by the weekend they were doing whatever they wanted. If my mom said two weeks, by God she meant two weeks.

Reduction in priviledges? They were tied into grounding. When I was grounded, I lost privileges to everything. I had to come home from school and go directly to my room (I never had a tv or phone in my room). I could come out to use the restroom, shower, and eat dinner and that was it: back to my room prison!

In today's world, would you consider spanking a child an acceptable means of discipline? No, not particularly. I worked at a daycare and was amazed how well time-out worked for the kids. I also talked out issues with kids as young as three and it made a big difference. They understood right from wrong and that there were consequences for their actions (like time-out or loss of privileges).

Let's say you are divorced and a stepmom/stepdad is spanking your child...you ok with that? I wouldn't be okay with it. Ever. I would be okay with a step-parent grounding my child and taking away privileges and adding chores as long as whatever my child did warranted the punishment.

[turtle1120]

Oct 30, 2012 12:56:04 GMT -5 doriswe said:

Oct 30, 2012 12:52:41 GMT -5 formerlyak said:

I'd be more than fuming.

I'd kill XH's gf if she ever put her hands on my kid....true story.

I'd be way more than fuming too!!!

[jm5855]

Oct 30, 2012 12:56:04 GMT -5 doriswe said:

Oct 30, 2012 12:52:41 GMT -5 formerlyak said:

I'd be more than fuming.

I'd kill XH's gf if she ever put her hands on my kid....true story.

It's tempting but Horatio Caine and CSI Miami have made it damn near impossible to get away with murder these days. BASTARDS!!!