I have to disagree. I don't think punishment teaches kids to be respectful. I think parents need to model respect for children and teach them to embrace that value -- both in the household and with their friends and teachers at school.
Fi has never once disciplined my ds, and ds has more respect for him than he has for probably most other people (not that ds is disrespectful, but he just really looks up to and respects fi). He respects him because he sees how fi conducts himself and how others around us react to that behavior and he wants to be like that -- not because he disciplines him. Fi will remind him of a rule if he isn't abiding by it (i.e. no Kindle at the dinner table), but if ds continues I will handle it.
And in the case when both parents are still involved, I think step parents need to let the parents discipline. A step parents can remind the child of the rules and be a role model for the child, but the parent should discipline.
I agree with most of this,especially the bolded. However, if the step-parent is alone with the kid, I think a "wait till your om gets home" is not very effective. I think a step-parent can give a time-out or some simple on the spot punishment. Bigger punishments (grounding/spanking) should be discussed and dealt by the bio-parent.
My first step-dad was mean and he disciplined me all the time. normally by calling me worthless and other names. I had ZERO respect for him.
Calling you worthless and other names is NOT discipline. What I meant by discipline is teaching right from wrong ....not through verbal abuse. And I'm sorry you had to experience that.
And my explanation was more of in a situation if the bio parent isn't around. IMO, if FF was to tell DS "What you're doing is wrong and we'll tell your mom about it when she's home and she can handle it" teaches nothing other than he can do what he wants when I'm not around.
Parents who don't discipline at all (no matter the form) are pushovers and are creating children who will grow up to be adults who think rules don't apply to them. I know you can think of a few examples of those right now.
DS has a ton of respect for FF and it's partly because he sees him as a parent figure -- not just a play buddy who he can get away with things until mom comes home/back into the room. If DS knows I'm the only one who will punish him, that reduces the parental authority that a step-parent should be seen for. It all comes back to respect.
I was raised to respect my parents because they taught me right from wrong through punishments growing up. That's how my son will be raised as well.
Calling you worthless and other names is NOT discipline. What I meant by discipline is teaching right from wrong ....not through verbal abuse. And I'm sorry you had to experience that.
And my explanation was more of in a situation if the bio parent isn't around. IMO, if FF was to tell DS "What you're doing is wrong and we'll tell your mom about it when she's home and she can handle it" teaches nothing other than he can do what he wants when I'm not around.
Parents who don't discipline at all (no matter the form) are pushovers and are creating children who will grow up to be adults who think rules don't apply to them. I know you can think of a few examples of those right now.
DS has a ton of respect for FF and it's partly because he sees him as a parent figure -- not just a play buddy who he can get away with things until mom comes home/back into the room. If DS knows I'm the only one who will punish him, that reduces the parental authority that a step-parent should be seen for. It all comes back to respect.
I was raised to respect my parents because they taught me right from wrong through punishments growing up. That's how my son will be raised as well.
Oh, I agree with the bolded. I think if the bio-parent isn't around, the step-parent SHOULD be able to lecture/give time out/take away a privilege. I just thinking "harsher" or longer punishments (grounding/spanking) should be discussed with the bio parent. I also think if the bio parent IS around, they should take the lead, especially if the kid is older when the two get married because of the whole "YOU'RE not my parent!" thing.
Post by starburst604 on Oct 30, 2012 13:45:27 GMT -5
JM, that guy is lucky you're so controlled about this. That's completely unacceptable, and I would tell your EW that if you ever hear about him laying a hand on one of your kids again, the authorities WILL be involved!!
JM, that guy is lucky you're so controlled about this. That's completely unacceptable, and I would tell your EW that if you ever hear about him laying a hand on one of your kids again, the authorities WILL be involved!!
Yes he is lucky. I have to keep my head about me because of the kids. I plan on talking to the EW and that twatwaffle face to face. Hopefully my plan to put the fear of God into them will work, otherwise yes I would love to involve the authorities.
Calling you worthless and other names is NOT discipline. What I meant by discipline is teaching right from wrong ....not through verbal abuse. And I'm sorry you had to experience that.
And my explanation was more of in a situation if the bio parent isn't around. IMO, if FF was to tell DS "What you're doing is wrong and we'll tell your mom about it when she's home and she can handle it" teaches nothing other than he can do what he wants when I'm not around.
Parents who don't discipline at all (no matter the form) are pushovers and are creating children who will grow up to be adults who think rules don't apply to them. I know you can think of a few examples of those right now.
DS has a ton of respect for FF and it's partly because he sees him as a parent figure -- not just a play buddy who he can get away with things until mom comes home/back into the room. If DS knows I'm the only one who will punish him, that reduces the parental authority that a step-parent should be seen for. It all comes back to respect.
I was raised to respect my parents because they taught me right from wrong through punishments growing up. That's how my son will be raised as well.
Oh, I agree with the bolded. I think if the bio-parent isn't around, the step-parent SHOULD be able to lecture/give time out/take away a privilege. I just thinking "harsher" or longer punishments (grounding/spanking) should be discussed with the bio parent. I also think if the bio parent IS around, they should take the lead, especially if the kid is older when the two get married because of the whole "YOU'RE not my parent!" thing.
I think we are actually on the same page.
Totally agree. If I was home and was witness to inappropriate behavior, I'd never sit back and let FF handle it. That's my job as DS' mom. Same goes for large/more severe punishments.
I was raised to respect my parents because they taught me right from wrong through punishments growing up. That's how my son will be raised as well.
I think this is where we differ. And I am not saying either way is right or wrong -- one way is right for you and one is right for me because of how we were raised. My parents taught me right from wrong, but not through punishing me. They taught me right from wrong by having a discussion about it with me. I have a lot of respect for them for they way they raised me, and I plan on doing the same with ds.
I was spanked as a kid, then as I got older I had privileges taken away. I wasn't spanked often and only with a paddle, my brothers got it more then I did, and I have to say, they earned them.
I honestly see nothing wrong with spanking a child when it is appropriate. The parent shouldn't be mad and the swats should only take place on the butt. Two or three swats is not bad. I don't like belts or switches. If a paddle is handy that is fine and last resort is the hand.
My niece has never been properly disciplined and you can tell. She is a spoiled little bully, and I would love to smack her and my brother and SIL upside the head. My kid has been disciplined when it is needed, whether it is a spanking or something taken away or sent to her room and she is polite and not a bully and has a pretty good grasp on when something isn't right, that she shouldn't do it.
As far as a step parent trying to spank a kid. I don't think it is appropriate. I think the child's parents should be the one to do it. I couldn't see some one I married doing that, I would be pissed. I look at it as, this is my child, I will punish how I see fit. It's probably why I won't get married again, because I don't want someone trying to butt in when I'm trying to teach my child.
At dinner last night my kids told me about their stepdad spanking my 5 yr old son this past Sunday. I don't spank my kids, this jerk sure as hell isn't going to.
Seriously I would love to relieve this little assbag of some teeth, but we all know that will only cause more problems.... so I won't..for now. I have reached out to my ex and am awaiting her response. I assume she will play the game where she denies everything..typical.
Oh, hell no! You are not over reacting. Your ex is an idiot. It's good that your kids can come and talk to you and let you know these things. In my mind, if you are not the blood parent of a kid, you are not allowed to spank.
Post by strongside2012 on Oct 31, 2012 7:22:47 GMT -5
You are definitely not overreacting. And I think it shows incredible willpower that you didn't go remove his teeth.
I'm not a parent, but one of my close friends went through something like this with her kids' stepmother. Be prepared for your EW to either lie about it or, in my friend's case, justify it because the kid was acting up and she wasn't around. As furious as my friend was when she found out the kids' had been spanked by someone other than their dad, she was way more upset when it was said that there was no other choice because the kids had splashed water on her when they were doing dishes or something equally ridiculous.
Again, I'm not a parent, but when I watch my nieces or nephews, I will put them in time-out if they are acting up and a conversation doesn't work. I was once engaged to a man with kids, and both he and their mother gave me permission to spank them, but I was not comfortable doing so and never would. If a parent wants their kids spanked, they need to do it themselves.
I was spanked as a kid, then as I got older I had privileges taken away. I wasn't spanked often and only with a paddle, my brothers got it more then I did, and I have to say, they earned them.
I honestly see nothing wrong with spanking a child when it is appropriate. The parent shouldn't be mad and the swats should only take place on the butt. Two or three swats is not bad. I don't like belts or switches. If a paddle is handy that is fine and last resort is the hand.
My niece has never been properly disciplined and you can tell. She is a spoiled little bully, and I would love to smack her and my brother and SIL upside the head. My kid has been disciplined when it is needed, whether it is a spanking or something taken away or sent to her room and she is polite and not a bully and has a pretty good grasp on when something isn't right, that she shouldn't do it.
As far as a step parent trying to spank a kid. I don't think it is appropriate. I think the child's parents should be the one to do it. I couldn't see some one I married doing that, I would be pissed. I look at it as, this is my child, I will punish how I see fit. It's probably why I won't get married again, because I don't want someone trying to butt in when I'm trying to teach my child.
I'm a little about hitting a kid with a paddle! I think that would be much harder than a hand!
Post by lurkergirl123 on Oct 31, 2012 8:01:25 GMT -5
I was spanked. My mom also yelled a lot. My dad would lecture, but rarely yelled.
By the time I was a teen my parents pretty much ignored me. My brother was on drugs and my sister was sleeping around a lot and so they required much more attention than me.
I was spanked twice, both when it was for something that would be dangerous like getting on an escalator the wrong way. I was yelled at, sure but my parents told me they were disappointed in me. That was worse than anything. I was a kid who punished myself and that was enough to keep me in line.
I'd be pissed if a stepparent was disciplining my child out if line with what my ex and I had decided for guidelines
I was raised to respect my parents because they taught me right from wrong through punishments growing up. That's how my son will be raised as well.
I think this is where we differ. And I am not saying either way is right or wrong -- one way is right for you and one is right for me because of how we were raised. My parents taught me right from wrong, but not through punishing me. They taught me right from wrong by having a discussion about it with me. I have a lot of respect for them for they way they raised me, and I plan on doing the same with ds.
And this is why when DS is done with his time-out, I ask him if he knows why he was there (he always does) and we have a talk about his bad decision vs. what choice he should've made. It's not like he goes to time out and that's it. The time-out is used more to get him calmed down and focused on the choice he made that landed him there.
I'm a little about hitting a kid with a paddle! I think that would be much harder than a hand!
The paddle isn't that bad. It's actually was more of a shock factor. They were never big. My parents are very calm people and the swats we got were tame, but it got through to us. And it was also only happened if something worse could have happened, like the previous poster stated.
In my mind, it's not hitting a kid with a paddle. Hitting and a swat to the butt are two different things. My ex hit me with his fist and opened handed. Those open handed hits were 100x worse then any spanking I ever grew up with.
when we were young it was a spanking or being sent to our rooms (note we had no fun stuff in our rooms). Our grandparents would make us sit with out noses in opposite corners for an hour if we were bad.
once we got older it was losing priviledges, like for me, I'd not be able to use the phone. when i was 16 if i messed up, they'd take my car away.
really what worked best on me was the feeling I'd let my parents down...that made me feel so bad, i never did that again.
my dad also had me convinced he could really kick me out, so since i had no idea how at age 14 I'd go to school, have a job and pay for a place to live, i pretty much toed the line...but i think kids today know that parents aren't going to and can't kick them out when they are under age.