I have a serious crush on a coworker that doesn't seem to go away. I was just reading articles about getting over an infatuation and realized I'm emotionally invested. I'm pretty sure he feels the same way but we are both married. The problem is, I'm just not that into my husband right now and this guy makes me feel so good about myself. Any advice? I feel like a terrible wife.
What is this guy doing that your husband isn't to make you feel good about yourself? And how can you have a heart to heart with your husband that encourages those things?
Post by hannamaren on Oct 30, 2012 19:53:04 GMT -5
Maybe you need to recoonect with your husband. Unplug at home (no internet, no games, just talking and interacting). Go on some dates, go away if possible,
Do you think the attraction to the coworker is the thrill of something new? Being bad?
Is it worth losing your H for something that may fizzle without that thrill?
Are you spending a lot of time with said coworker? How would your husband feel if he saw your interactions?
Not more than necessary. I don't think he would blink an eye, to be honest. Never been the jealous type and nothing inappropriate going on, other than smiling a lot.
Between this and your previous post (http://pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=mm&thread=67770&page=1#1099856), I think you may need to really evaluate whether you're in the right marriage. Separately from your feelings for this coworker.
What is this guy doing that your husband isn't to make you feel good about yourself? And how can you have a heart to heart with your husband that encourages those things?
I know you're right but I feel disconnected from H. Like he would brush it off or say something callous. CW is just - nice. H is pretty critical and sarcastic. Co worker said something seemingly trite the other day "I could never be mad at you". I melted.
Well, considering that you've already recognized the issue, it hasn't gone physical, and are reading articles about getting over infatuation, I would say that you're not a terrible wife. You're human.
i think you've already identified that it's probably not the coworker that has you infatuated, but instead how you react to his attention.
If I were you I'd probably try to distance myself from coworker while trying to re-focus attention on you H.
This might be flammable, but I've been there. Once I was out of the "cloud of infatuation" I realized that there was nothing about the guy that was special. It was just that I felt like my younger, more exciting self when I was with him.
I had to find a different way to satisfy what I felt was missing in my life at that time. Silly enough, it wasn't even a relationship issue with DH, but instead a new career.
Anyways, sorry for the semi-hijack here. I just wanted to let you know that you're not a terrible wife. You're addressing the issue now before it goes further.
What is this guy doing that your husband isn't to make you feel good about yourself? And how can you have a heart to heart with your husband that encourages those things?
I know you're right but I feel disconnected from H. Like he would brush it off or say something callous. CW is just - nice. H is pretty critical and sarcastic. Co worker said something seemingly trite the other day "I could never be mad at you". I melted.
ok but you get that that's not real life, right? real life = you will occasionally get mad at each other. so that's not real what you have with him. it's polite-at a distance-cutesy stuff. but not real.
Whether your marriage is right or not, you need to finish one relationship before you start another. End the thing with your co-worker. This is within your control.
Co worker said something seemingly trite the other day "I could never be mad at you". I melted.
yeah, this definitely sounds like the butterfly stage and not at all what reality with two adults would be like once the endorphins went away.
If you truly are disconnected from your H and believe the problem is at home, you know that flirting at work and romanticizing a life elsewhere will only make shit worse.
handle your life now before you start creating a new one in your mind.
Thank you so much for that. I realize distance is the best thing but I don't want to, kwim? I feel like a drug addict to butterflies.
I disagree--you do want to distance yourself. You were reading articles about getting over an infatuation. You were not reading articles about how to leave a spouse.
Rip off the bandaid. End your flirtations with dude. Looking back, you'll be so glad that you did.
Post by imojoebunny on Oct 30, 2012 20:26:13 GMT -5
I have seen this a number of times with people I worked with. When I worked, I worked long hours, often traveled with men, since I was usually only female in my group. It is easy to get caught up in the non-reality. I have seen it work put well for the man, but never for the woman, particularly if there are children. If you are really unhappy in your marriage, then move on, but don't play with someone else's. Look at your marriage first and see what can be done to make it work. Everyone has hard times in relationships, they do end, assuming you both want them to.
You are not describing an emotional affair. An affair is an exchange between two people. What you are describing is a crush that may be mutual.
Anyway, regardless of the label right now you are on the path to an affair if you don't stop it. My advice is to stop talking to this guy immediately and to work on things with your DH. I wouldn't tell your DH that you are having an affair because that's unnecessary drama for what this is. But I would tell him that you feel disconnected and that you are missing something you need and ask him to work on it with you.
Stop contact with this man. Do not ruin your life over this. You will not end up with this man. He will not leave his wife for you, and really, you wouldn't want him long-term if he did.
You see your best side of people at work. I am sure he picks his nose or does unappealing things at home. Work on your marriage.
Thumbs up.
You need to talk to your husband. He needs to know how much you're checking out of the marriage. You both need a wake up call so that you're committed to reconnecting & getting things back to good. I think you're going to be restless & discontent if you don't tell him how you're feeling so that he knows he needs to make effort, too. The crush is a symptom, not the problem.
In looking at your previous post linked above, it sounds like you guys could use some counseling on how to better meet each other's needs--compliments, affection, etc. A strong, solid relationship is much more valuable than initial infatuation. Make sure you don't throw something lasting and loving away for something exciting but very short term.
A similar situation led to me leaving the ex. I never actually did anything with the other guy, but the relationship taught me that my marriage wasn't right for me anymore. Walking away was the best thing I ever did and I don't regret a thing.
I've had work crushes in the past and I think it's totally normal. I agree with pps that you should distance yourself a bit from this guy and at least don't put yourself in any situations that could lead to cheating.
You used to feel this way about your H, right? Why not put in the effort to get back to that point with H rather than daydream about starting over with your coworker? Or, imagine this likely scenario if you and your coworker really got together: the butterflies for your coworker would eventually go away and you'd be right back in the same situation you are now, lusting over guy #3.
I travel for work an am very often the only female where I go. (I work on the oil rigs)
I am working with different guys all the time. I do develop crushes on some of these guys but I see them for maybe 2-3 weeks an then never see them again, if I worked with them more often I wouldn't speak to them as much, as I love my husband an I would never jeopardize my marriage for anything.
I know you're right but I feel disconnected from H. Like he would brush it off or say something callous. CW is just - nice. H is pretty critical and sarcastic. Co worker said something seemingly trite the other day "I could never be mad at you". I melted.
I could never be mad at you? oh please. He could be, if the two of you were married and he found out you were carrying on an emotional affair with another man.
Get yourself away from this man, and get yourself into counseling. Figure out if you want to stay married to your dh, work on THAT issue, solve it and do what you have to do to either stay happily or leave happily. But leave this married man out of it.
This. The grass isn't greener on the other side, it's greener where you water it.
Either work on things with your husband OR, if the marriage truly isn't working, then end it.
I wouldn't go so far as to say you are cheating, but you are perilously close to doing so. And I can guaran-freakin-te you that cw? WILL NEVER LEAVE HIS WIFE FOR YOU, most especially not when he can have his proverbial cake and eat it, too. Don't open the bakery.
I've had work crushes too, but it's more of just a physical attraction. If you feel yourself falling emotionally for this guy and thinking about him often, you really do need to cut off all interaction (or keep it all work related).
Of course the co-worker looks good. You never see his dirty underwear on the bedroom floor! (and other assorted annoyances that his wife lives with) He looks competent, supportive, encouraging etc. - Most affairs begin in the office - beware. Is this how you want your DH to behave at work?
Put that energy into your marriage - don't wait until you are feeling more into your DH - act on this now. (Do you want your DH to wait until he feels more into you?). Your feelings toward each other in a marriage can wax and wane over time - that does not mean you act differently toward one another. Stop being lazy and work on your relationship!
Do NOT act on anything with the co-worker. Do NOT go to lunch, do NOT share personal thoughts and information. Distance yourself --- get a different job if necessary.
Your marriage needs a good shot of attention. Start TODAY and do or say 3 nice things to your DH - and repeat every day.
I will admit to experiencing something similar with someone I was on a committee with. He made me feel amazing about myself. He was super complimentary and flirty and it felt good to feel that way. Luckily for me it was only for a couple days and then we went home and we continued emailing about work stuff and it totally lost it's luster, he's not someone I would really ever want to spend a huge amount of time with. good luck!
Co worker said something seemingly trite the other day "I could never be mad at you". I melted.
So you fall for lies? lol. Seriously, though; if a one-off empty compliment makes you "melt," that's a huge red flag that your marriage needs attention asap.
Although I realize that it must suck to be married to a sarcastic and critical person. It's probably a good idea to really think about why you married someone like that. Was he not like that before you were married, or did you just think that was ok at the time? If it's the latter, maybe counseling is a good idea to figure out why you don't think you deserve better. In any event, whether you stay in your marriage or not, no one should have any role in that decision except you and your husband - and especially not a coworker who feeds you BS lines.
And have you considered that this coworker might just be a flirt who talks to a lot of women that way?