love my job, hate my commute - wwyd?

[grey56]

I have worked here almost 11 years. I love what I do, I love my boss, I love the flexibility, etc. Benefits are great, pay is decent, coworkers are awesome. The only problem is that my commute is 100 miles R/T.

We moved Dec '10 to a 3br/1.5ba house, knowing it was going to be a long commute for me (DH works from home). We now live in a top-5 school district and b/c we're farther from the city, housing is more affordable. We are 5 minutes from DH's parents (good and bad, haha). LO goes to a great daycare, we have friends in the area, etc. We love our home.

The commute is starting to wear on me. I don't know what should give. Do we move closer to work? Do I get a different job closer to home? Help me hash this out?

I currently work 5:45-2:45 so I can see LO in the afternoon. DH does everything in the AM. He wants me to have later hours so I can do braids, match outfits, feed healthy breakfasts (his idea of a good breakfast is a coffee and an Advil), etc. I like my hours now b/c I am home with time to do things (post office, grocery store) as well as hang out with LO. He says if I had a shorter commute, I could sleep in but still be home. I say that no "new" job would allow me the flexibility of making my own hours like I do now. I feel like I can't say, "I'm tired" in front of my DH b/c he brings up how it's basically my fault that I don't get enough sleep. So I need to talk to someone else about this.

Thanks!

[Deleted]

Could you work from home even a few days a week?

[HoneySpider]

I have a similar commute so I feel your pain. My DH works 5 min from home. I am really, really worn out on doing the drive and I haven't been doing it nearly as long as you.

Are there job prospects close to where you live? I definitely would explore options to at least see what's out there.

[mswax]

Yes, you have a long commute, but it sounds like your problem is more with your DH. You have a job you love, hours that allow you to avoid traffic and still have time to do the things that make a family run (errands), all while still spending time with your child. To say that you can never complain about being tired because you've chosen a schedule that works well for your family is BS.

As for helping in the morning, lay out clothes the night before. Be sure there are easy and healthy breakfast options. Teach your DH how to braid.

I think your DH sounds like he's having a temper tantrum because he can't have his way 100% of the time. Life doesn't work like that, and he needs to grow up.

[mbcdefg]

I would ask them about working from home a few days a week.

Does the company have multiple offices? If so, are any of them an easier commute for you?

If this were me, I would just start looking for something else if I wasn't able to work from home at least 3+ days a week. A "decent" salary wouldn't be worth it for me to put up with a shitty commute and be awake at such an early hour.

How is the job market near your home? What is your husband's commute like? How long do you plan to live in your current home? Are there any comparable neighborhoods that are closer to your current job and still within a good commuting distance for your H as well?

[dexteroni]

Oct 31, 2012 11:23:15 GMT -5 mswax said:

Yes, you have a long commute, but it sounds like your problem is more with your DH. You have a job you love, hours that allow you to avoid traffic and still have time to do the things that make a family run (errands), all while still spending time with your child. To say that you can never complain about being tired because you've chosen a schedule that works well for your family is BS.

As for helping in the morning, lay out clothes the night before. Be sure there are easy and healthy breakfast options. Teach your DH how to braid.

I think your DH sounds like he's having a temper tantrum because he can't have his way 100% of the time. Life doesn't work like that, and he needs to grow up.

This is my take too. A long commute would be tiring, but if your DH was on board and trying to help you make it work instead of harping on you about it at every opportunity, I bet you would be a lot less worn down. Have you had a "knock that shit off and suck it up" talk yet? Because I think it's time.

That said, if it's allowed, working from home even one day a week would probably be a big help.

[countthestars]

I agree that it sounds like an H issue. If you can WFH a day or two a week, that might help. But your H needs to suck it up and deal. Can you lay out clothes and prep breakfast in the evening to help him out?

[lys]

get a different job closer to home

[vanillacourage]

I bet that your DH enjoys you doing things like starting dinner, going to the grocery store & the post office, etc because you're home in the late afternoon, right? So he sort of wants to have it both ways - you're in charge both in the morning and at night. Yeah - not ok.

I would not be able to handle that long a commute just b/c it would personally drive me bananas, but if it works for you and you're getting what you need done at home (i.e. 50%-ish of responsibilities with your DD and at home, assuming that your DH has a job that is demanding at about the same level as yours) then I think your DH is being unfair.

[sunny]

the only reason I don't think that you asking to work from home 1 day a week would be a good solution is because he already works from home. I imagine it would be harder for both of you to focus if you are both there.

yes mornings are pretty much the easiest thing ever. maybe if you grocery shop all the breakfast stuff and leave a list of the possible options/combos for healthy breakfast in the morning that will help.

I hang up DD's clothes by outfit - so the pants that go with the top are on one hanger. maybe that will help him too.

he can surely do a simply pony tail if not a braid.

seriously, though he is a grown-sss man and it's stupid that you have to hand hold him. and that you don't feel comfortable saying that you're tired. he gets to WORK FROM HOME!!

I would not advocate for leaving your job. It doesn't sound like the actual commute is the problem (in which case I would advocate for getting a more comfortable car that you enjoy driving, books on tape etc). rather it sounds like your DH is getting tired of it. in the spirit of compromise, I would see if the above suggestions about prepping for mornings the night before would help him.

[grey56]

My LO is 15mo. Too young to pour her own Cheerios. :-) She's also super picky with eating so I think that's why DH gets frustrated.

I work in a lab, doing science - I make DNA. I cannot do that at home (nor would I want to, ha!). I am in the lab, gowned up, most of the day. Working from home is not an option. I have considered flextime - working 32hrs/wk, 4 days (or similar) - but the last coworker who asked this was denied and she ended up quitting altogether. Not that my situation is the same, but that info looms in my head.

My DH hates his job but his "commute" is awesome, but he is sucking it up for the flexibility. I didn't think of this before, but his concerns about my job might actually be concerns about his own job. Personally, I think (and especially in this economy), it's pretty awesome to have a job you love - that counts for so much.

We have bought lots of jeans lately so LO's "outfits" are jeans and a top. Good enough, IMO. She can't walk yet so she just gets socks. Boom, done. I have been laying out outfits at night to help here. Daycare does LO's hair (they say they like to do it?).

So that's where I'm at. I think I am going to look into closer jobs. There's a lab 1 town away from our house - I should start networking there. Will a new job allow me to be on FB all day though?? :-)

Thanks for the commentary so far.

[dexteroni]

You finding a job closer to home won't make your DH like his job any more or make your DD a less picky eater. It sounds like your DH just doesn't want to deal with the more difficult parts and wants to pawn it off on you. It's not that hard to put a little girl's hair in a ponytail - I mean yeah, they don't always like having it brushed or sitting still while you do it, but IMO it sucks that your DH is so resistant to doing it that he takes her to daycare with her hair a mess. But. These things only affect you guys, so if you think the best solution is to quit a job that you love, then good luck in your job search! I hope you find a job you like as much as this one that's closer to home.

[ijack]

What sort of things does she eat? I find breakfast foods to be the easiest to make ahead - HB eggs, waffles, pancakes, etc. If you put out her outfit the night before then he's done.
We have a similar situation where H does the am routine and I'm home earlier in the afternoon to start dinner and we make it work. It sounds like the issue isn't really getting her ready though.

[ECB]

Oct 31, 2012 12:21:46 GMT -5 dexteroni said:

You finding a job closer to home won't make your DH like his job any more or make your DD a less picky eater. It sounds like your DH just doesn't want to deal with the more difficult parts and wants to pawn it off on you. It's not that hard to put a little girl's hair in a ponytail - I mean yeah, they don't always like having it brushed or sitting still while you do it, but IMO it sucks that your DH is so resistant to doing it that he takes her to daycare with her hair a mess. But. These things only affect you guys, so if you think the best solution is to quit a job that you love, then good luck in your job search! I hope you find a job you like as much as this one that's closer to home.

All of this. Your DH isn't coming off looking all that great in this equation.

[atouchofklasse]

I wouldn't look for a new job. Your current job has awesome hours and you love your boss and flexibility.

[midwest07]

If you have been following the posts the last couple of days, a lot of people really dislike their jobs, so having a job you love means so much. I would be really hesitant to go somewhere else unless you were sure you would also love it, or you would like it enough that it would be worth it coupled with a shorter commute.

I can't tell if you dislike the actual commute or how it impacts your home life, but if you don't already, I highly recommend listening to books on CD. I used to have a long commute I hated so much. I got through it by starting to listen to books and I could get caught up in them and the time goes faster.

It sounds like you have done all you can to help your DH get through the mornings easier. I agree with the other poster that it sounds like your DH wants you to handle mornings and evenings, so make sure to set expectations if you do make a job change/schedule change.

[grey56]

I needed to hear all of this, thank you! My DH is an EXCELLENT debator. Debater? He debates well. Honestly, he should be in sales. We do have conversations about this. We communicate a lot, there is no deep-seeded resentment, etc. Lest you all think I am being taken for a ride.

I also find that I am "submissive" (lack of a better word) b/c I want to do what's best for my LO.

We do want another LO (me moreso than he, but the time isn't right at this point anyway) and I think part of him is wondering how he can do all this with two. People do it all the time! We are older, perhaps set in our ways, so having a LO has changed our priorities.

[protozoa]

Ditto the majority of the pps.

Also, my dad did morning duty with me when I was little. I wore ugly outfits and my hair looked stupid, but I turned out fine We all have our crosses to bear.

[dexteroni]

Oct 31, 2012 12:34:53 GMT -5 grey56 said:

I needed to hear all of this, thank you! My DH is an EXCELLENT debator. Debater? He debates well. Honestly, he should be in sales. We do have conversations about this. We communicate a lot, there is no deep-seeded resentment, etc. Lest you all think I am being taken for a ride.

I also find that I am "submissive" (lack of a better word) b/c I want to do what's best for my LO.

We do want another LO (me moreso than he, but the time isn't right at this point anyway) and I think part of him is wondering how he can do all this with two. People do it all the time! We are older, perhaps set in our ways, so having a LO has changed our priorities.

I'm reading that your DH is persuasive, and you tend to acquiesce. And I'm betting that that's a big part of the reason he gives you a hard time; if he knew you weren't going to give in yet again, perhaps he would grow up and try to work out a solution that was fair to both of you. Maybe you're not being "taken for a ride" in that you're not being duped, but IMO being aware that you're getting the shaft doesn't make it any less shafty.

Maybe there's a different solution. Perhaps a mornings-only nanny, if you can find one? She can get DD and your next LO ready, then do rides to daycare / school. Then your DH can have more time to enjoy his coffee and Advil. lol.

[definitelyO]

I think you guys have the best of both worlds. you have a job you love with flexible hours that allows you to be home for family time in the afternoons and evenings and still seems like you "manage" the house pretty well.

DH has the same schedule and commute as you. I do all the morning stuff - and always have - he picks up DS from school does the after school snack and play and when I get home (10 min commute but work 8-5) I do dinner, etc... we each get our times with DS and while I usually get the grumpy dragging feet mornings it works out.

and I don't know where you live - but with a commute like that you almost have to work those hours or 10 - 6 or something to avoid rush hour and your drive taking twice as long.

[grey56]

Yes, I live in RI and my commute is towards Boston along with everyone else. The early (dark) hour means I can drive fast - not as many cars on the road and no cop can see me as I whiz by.

I think once my MIL retires in another year or so, she might be willing to help out in the AM? At least with the hairdos!

You guys are very helpful. I don't mean to paint my DH is a bad light b/c he's a wonderful father and a loving husband who's definitely sucking it up to work a boring desk job (his real love is art/painting and he wants to be a professor). He loves living close to his family and doesn't want to leave, whereas I could care less about where we live. Our discussions always end up being about my job.

[ECB]

For the fact that he has a "real love" job wise, I'd think he would be more understanding of your love for your job. Maybe you could find something you love just as much closer to home, but what if you don't? He doesn't like his job and he wants you to take a chance w/ a new job that you too might not like?

I don't want to ride your DH too hard here, but this just bugs me. He has to handle his own child for a couple hours in the morning - and all this is because of that? Really!? So that she can have pigtails?

[Deleted]

Oct 31, 2012 11:37:05 GMT -5 lys said:

get a different job closer to home

Turns out that great jobs aren't a dime a dozen. I have a 70-mile RT commute, and it wears on me too.

GL, OP.

[dexteroni]

Oct 31, 2012 12:56:41 GMT -5 grey56 said:

He loves living close to his family and doesn't want to leave, whereas I could care less about where we live. Our discussions always end up being about my job.

OK, this makes it sound like he's putting his family before you. I know you keep saying he's a good guy, you don't want him to come off badly here, etc. but I mean come on. Wouldn't it be *so* much easier for you to have, say, a 10 mile daily commute, and then only drive the 40 miles a couple times a month to see his family? Granted, that might not be possible for other reasons like COL, schools, etc. but just from a you vs. family standpoint, his outlook doesn't sound very fair.

[lgb78]

I have a similar commute. While occaisionally H will express frustration with my schedule (I work long hours on top of my commute), he is supportive of me and my career. I agree that the issue lies with your H, and not your commute.

[lynn07]

Hmmm, I'm going to go a little against the grain and say that if it were me, I'd either move (maybe rent out your current house so you can still go back to it if you wanted) or get a new job.

A little over a year ago we were in the same situation except the roles were reversed. DH had an hour commute each way on a good day (1.5-2hrs on a day it snowed) to a job he enjoys. I am an RN and only work very PT, so I was home most of the time. It was fine when it was just us, but then the commute got harder after we had DS1. Then we had DS2, and it all went to hell. I just couldn't do it anymore. It was so incredibly hard to do everything with both kids 5 days a week. DH was also so upset the he was spending so much time in a car instead of more time with the boys. So, we packed up, rented out our house, and moved into a rental house that is 10 minutes from DHs work. It has been the best decision we could have made. DH gets to stay at a job he likes, and see the kids as much as he wants. In fact, a few days a week he comes home to eat lunch with us, too!

Your situation is a little different because of your hours, and I don't know exactly which angle your DH is taking (I definitely don't think you "asked for this"), but I guess as the parent at home, I can say that in our situation it was becoming just too difficult to sustain a happy family with a long commute.

ETA: just saw that your DH doesn't want to move. Well, he's going to have to make a compromise somewhere. Sounds like he's being a little immature about this...

[sunny]

honestly I think you getting a new job won't solve this. he sounds like the unhappy one here.

[cricketwife]

Would working 4 10s help? You'd lose that afternoon time that you like with the LO but the extra day off could make the commute more bearable - maybe? Plus you'd save a lot on gas. My mom worked 4 10s for years with a 60 mile commute and it wasn't easy by any means, but the extra day off really helped her sanity.

[shopgirl07]

It does kind of sound like your H is being very inflexible here. But maybe you could compromise a bit if he finds doing the morning routine everyday too stressful. Could you go in later 2 days a week and do the morning routine on those days? Quite frankly, I don't know how you're functioning getting up so early everyday.