How do I let go?

[bubbly1]

Hi all. I've been lurking here for awhile and decided to come out and try and get some advice. My husband and I are separated and keep trying to keep our distance and say bye for good. It just seems as everytime I say ok this is it, he'll keep his distance for a few days then turn around and suck me right back in.

Over the weekend he said some pretty mean things and I'm assuming this is it for sure this time. I think he knows now that this can't keep going the way it is and needs to stand his ground and stay away, too.

It's not what I want but I know it has to be done. This is basically his choice. I just love him so much and I'm not ready to let it go, but know I have too. How do you stop loving someone when it's not what you want to do? I'm so tired of crying every single day and having my thoughts consumed of him and us from the moment I wake up until the time I go to sleep (if I can even sleep). It's even in my dreams. It sucks.

[bubbly1]

I tried to talk to a counselor but she sucked and half way through the meeting I wanted to walk out. I feel like I get more help just talking with my friend and my mom. Maybe should I should try finding another one. I know it's hit and miss but she just put a sour taste in my mouth.

[Bernadine]

Really, try to find another one. And if you don't like that one, find another one. Your friend and mom, helpful as they want to be, are too close to the situation.

Good luck.

[wrathofkuus]

Why are you splitting up?

[bubbly1]

Amongst other things, he's cheating on. Yes, I know this, it's all out in the open and I am admittedly stupid enough to want him back. Flame away. I truly think we can overcome this and come out even stronger and happier than before though. He told me Saturday, maybe we need this time apart to see if this is really what we want and if it's meant to be we'll find our way back. I think what he really meant was to say is if this is what HE really wants. I honestly think he is experiencing some sort of mid-life crisis.

[stephbfan]

Do you think that he wants this time apart so he can try out things with the OW?
If were really sorry about what he did, he would be doing everything he can to keep his family together.

Im confused, you say you are don't and then you say you can overcome this. I think going to therapy will help you make a decision. When you say you're done, you know it and need to follow through but I don't see you at that stage yet.

[bubbly1]

Honestly I'm not done and would still like to fight for us, but it seems as if he told me Saturday that he's finally done, which remains to be seen, because like I said, he does that and then stays away for a few days and then sucks me back in like he freaks out that he's letting me go, too. For some reason, he's keeping me hanging on.

I believe he still loves me, but I also feel he's close to loving this OW, too, if he doesn't already. He denies that. Maybe it's hard for both of us to let go because of the security factor? We've all each other has known for over 20 years. There's a lot of history between the two of us. I was not perfect during the marriage, and probably could have treated him better. I realize this now and he says he's having a hard time getting over that, although now I think that is just a scape goat for his cheating.

I feel like why should I quit fighting for us if there is still a shred of hope and let her have my husband, you know? I've been told to pull away and quit letting him know I'll always be there and give him a chance to miss me and experience it full on what life will be like without me. It's just so hard ....

[winecat]

Ditto pps about getting a new therapist. I also found a lot of help with another site called survivinginfidelity.com. They have lots to read. They usually suggest something called the "180." Honestly, the biggest help for me was just not having any contact. It doesn't sound like he truly remorseful and there is no chance at reconciliation with someone who cheats and is not remorseful.

I'm sorry. It sucks big time but you will get through it.

[bubbly1]

MP, in a way you are right ... I do want people to tell me that it will be okay, because it's what I want more than anything. But when I am having strong moments I look at everything and know, really know, I need to pull away and that there is a very good chance he may never come home and this is the end of the road for us, I just don't know how, and how to not give in to him when he sucks me back in. It's so frustrating. It's like sometimes I wish I could shake myself and say what is wrong with you?? He is cheating on you and is NOT stopping. Get it over it already. He's done.

[stephbfan]

Oct 31, 2012 12:29:59 GMT -5 bubbly1 said:

Honestly I'm not done and would still like to fight for us, but it seems as if he told me Saturday that he's finally done, which remains to be seen, because like I said, he does that and then stays away for a few days and then sucks me back in like he freaks out that he's letting me go, too. For some reason, he's keeping me hanging on.

I believe he still loves me, but I also feel he's close to loving this OW, too, if he doesn't already. He denies that. Maybe it's hard for both of us to let go because of the security factor? We've all each other has known for over 20 years. There's a lot of history between the two of us. I was not perfect during the marriage, and probably could have treated him better. I realize this now and he says he's having a hard time getting over that, although now I think that is just a scape goat for his cheating.

I feel like why should I quit fighting for us if there is still a shred of hope and let her have my husband, you know? I've been told to pull away and quit letting him know I'll always be there and give him a chance to miss me and experience it full on what life will be like without me. It's just so hard ....

Wait, so he still has contact with the OW?
You need to decide what YOU want and not let him manipulate you. You need individual therapy for that.
You also need to tell him whether he is ALL IN or not. I dont know how can you make it work if you are the only one putting the effort here. Yes, you say that made other mistakes in the relationship but why are they suddenly an issue?

I dont know, we are internet strangers and dont know the whole picture but the more you post, the more your husband is looking like a douche.

[bubbly1]

Yep, he's still seeing this other chick. See what I mean when I say, how stupid can I be for still wanting him?? It makes no sense, right. And yes, he's being a total asshole and having his cake and eating it too. It's all about him right now and he is not considerate of anybody else's feelings at this point. Again, when I'm having strong moments I tell myself I'll look back on this and say WTF was I thinkiing and why did I put up with this bullshit and ever want his ass back! I just have to get to that point.

[starburst604]

Just wanted to say I'm sorry you're going through this. There are some women here who have been through the exact same thing and can offer great advice.

[explorer2001]

First, hugs. You deserve better. You obviously already know that intellectually. Now you just need your emotions to catch up. Dont worry too much. They will in time. Therapy helps. It can take time to find the right therapist. Also consider the book "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft.

[llh0211]

I was in the same place as you up until about a month or so ago. I even moved 1000 miles away to try to move on, but he continued to call, and text and email me telling me that he loves me, and wants to work things out. But he was also telling the OW the same thing, and that he had no contact with me. I finally came to the conclusion that he was not the man I loved, that I married. And I'm worth more than that. I have asked him not to contact me, and if he does, I don't reply to his contact. So far he's complied.

If he truly wanted to make things work, he would be putting forth the effort. As pp's have said, you need to be healthy first and foremost. The rest, on his end is pure manipulation.

::hugs:: I know exactly how you feel, and am fresh out of that myself. And still going through it.

[bubbly1]

Thanks for the input ladies. I really appreciate it. Believe me, deep down I know what I have to do. It's just getting my mind and my heart to be on the same page that's the hard part. I will get there though (hopefully, lol, I'm totally trying to convince myself of that). I'm taking baby steps and literally it's hour by hour for me with my emotions going back and forth. Some days are better than others. I will look into the books you all have recommended. If anything it will take my mind of off things for a bit, right.

[llh0211]

It's definitely a roller coaster. I found out in February that he was having an affair. I am finally feeling like I can do this, and am feeling confident in my decision. It takes time.

[wrathofkuus]

I'm not going to call you stupid, because of course you want the life you've always assumed you'd have, the future you'd planned on. That's not stupid at all.

But honestly, how do you see this working out? Let's say he does decide he wants you after all, and comes back. Let's say he's really remorseful. Then what? How does the rest of your life look with a guy who cheated on you and told you he didn't want to be with you at all? Do you completely trust that he loves you and would never cheat on you or betray you, that he is your partner who always has your back? Of course you don't, not ever, because you know that even 20 years in, he wasn't that. Are you happy with him, and feel that you get as much out of the marriage as you put in? Of course you don't, because you always remember that you had to fight and strain and stress just to get him to stay married to you in the first place. That's a sunk cost you're never getting back, no matter what.

The bottom line is, even if he comes back and you work it out as much as it is possible to work out something like this, it's never going to be good. The best you can hope for out of this is a mediocre, good outweighs the bad I guess mostly, marriage. Not a good one, not a truly fulfilling and happy one, and never ever as good a marriage as people who have never let each other down this severely have. And that's the future you planned, isn't it? The great, fulfilling marriage?

The good news is that you can still have that. It just won't be with this guy. But it might be with someone who is smarter, better looking, more loyal, and just superior in every way. Don't pass up THAT guy for this cheating douche. THAT is what would be stupid.

[doriswe]

I have shivers up my spine reading this because I was you last year. He moved out and I was fighting tooth and nail to make our marriage work. I thought he'd get some space and realize that what we had was worth fighting for. Turns out, he needed his space to continue his relationship with the OW.

You have to get to your final straw. Mine came when he refriended her on FB, but she had blocked me so his friend count went up but the picture number didn't (if that makes sense). I remember it just snapping in my head...."why in the hell am I waiting on him to pick me? Why don't I get a say in this?". He chose her over me, time and time again, but the FB thing was the nail in the coffin and I was done. I told him that day to file for the divorce since this was his doing and I refused to encourage his ongoing victim behavior.

It's an incredibly hard road, but I'm over a year out and in an incredible place. I'm stronger than I ever thought I could be and have pushed myself out of my comfort zone time and time again and don't even recognize the shell of a person I was last year.

I also recommend a counselor who you click with. And if you need additional strength, check out survivinginfidelity.com. I spent a lot of time on that board when I first found out about the affair.

[prettyinpearls]

I've been where you are, only my XH never openly admitted to his affair. He told me he didn't think he loved me anymore, and that he needed time/space to think about things. He moved out for 2 months and all that time I blamed myself. I had gained a lot of weight with my pregnacny (DS was 8 months old at the time) and I had a lot of resentment towards XH because his life didn't change with the birth of our son like mine had (he continuted to drink and do as he pleased while I raised our child). I figured it was MY fault he was cheating.

During the early stages of our separation, I read a book called Marriage Fitness, and I took the steps to become the wife I should've been doing. Around Thanksgiving, after spending the entire long weekend in our marital home, living as a family and telling my parents divorce wasn't an option, I was hopeful that our marriage could work out. In reality, I was still in denial about his affair and I was secrecetly thinking "Hahaha!! If (insert GF's name) only knew what XH was doing, she'd see how bad of a person he was!" It was that very moment that it all became crystal clear to me. I was not the reason my XH was having an affair and I sure as hell deserved far, far better than XH.

That's the short version of it, but I filed for divorce a month later and I had never felt stronger. I continued to work on my self-improvement and came out an amazingly strong woman and, in turn, was a far better mother to DS because I was happy with who I was as a person.

You deserve better ....don't stop reminding yourself of that.

[Deleted]

Oct 31, 2012 12:11:25 GMT -5 bubbly1 said:

Amongst other things, he's cheating on. Yes, I know this, it's all out in the open and I am admittedly stupid enough to want him back. Flame away. I truly think we can overcome this and come out even stronger and happier than before though. He told me Saturday, maybe we need this time apart to see if this is really what we want and if it's meant to be we'll find our way back. I think what he really meant was to say is if this is what HE really wants. I honestly think he is experiencing some sort of mid-life crisis.

I went through a situation similar to yours and really things do get better I takes a while and sometimes I still occiasionally text my ex but overall he will become a less and less presence in your thoughts. Don't let him pull you back in he cheated once he'll do it again. Mine did it twice that I know of before it really sunk in with me. Try journaling your feelings and experience it really helped me in the beginning. Its that you want to keep it cause you still have love feelings and its familiar to you. The unknown is scary but it can turn out for the best.