Article-16 Ways I Blew My Marriage

[redredwine]

OK ladies-time to refocus on something else (other than the drama lovers!)


I saw this on MM and found it interesting...thought it was a good topic for our SO board to see if people agree/disagree.

www.danoah.com/2012/10/16-ways-i-blew-my-marriage.html

and the other 16 way's he blew his marriage

www.danoah.com/2012/10/the-other-16-ways-i-blew-my-marriage.html


Thoughts? Discuss.

I read some of these and they for sure hit home! Many I was guilty of, I have come to recognize and want to make an honest effort to change so they don't have such a negative effect in my next relationship:

I was guilt of: 2, 7, 14, 16, 18, and 20. The biggest ones that affected us I think were

#7-$$$. I was the queen of frugal spending and married to the Kind of spending $ which was a constant battle. We didn't have that much $ and we lived beyond our means, so we ended up in a ton of debt and it's hard to pay that shit down. I should have let up a bit more though. I always made him feel guilty for spending $. He resented me...I was stubborn. and FIGHT!

#16-distance after an argument. Big time guilty here. I shut down after our arguments, sometimes for days at a time. I've been working on this alot...it's been a struggle for me and I want to really change this behavior and face things head on vs. hiding from them.

He was guilty of: 4, 5, 3, 6, 13, 14, 17, 21, 24, and his biggest ones were:

#5. He was a yeller. I was not.

#13-pressuring me into many things. There were so many times I was pressured/bullied into things to the poitn where I felt I had no choice but to give in.

Also, #4 and 17 -the cooking dinner & flowers...little things but I feel like we let the "romantic" part of our relationship die a slow death. I think realtionships really need to work on this as it's important. little things, like cooking dinner for me, etc. really made a difference.

For us? 1, 8, 11, 28.
The biggest one being #28 - family: we were SO close to my family when were first were married and it was a huge issue for us. THey have a hard time with boundaries, I didn't want to tell them "no", we fought and fought.
We finally moved out of state and honestly things were pretty good for 6 months and I really felt things were getting back on the track they should have been on. Then his dad moved about a mile away. I loved his parents but we spent almost every night at his dad's house. We didn't have "us" anymore. He'd stay late at his dad's to do homework...I'd go home to want to get to bed. We really drifted apart and he drifted closer to his other grad students..one in particular. Who he got with a week after he told me we're getting divorced. Family didn't cause the divorce, but I think it fueled the fire.

So, clearly we had ALOT of issues. Many of which I think I'm now aware of and want to make an honest effect to change in my next relationship.

[wrathofkuus]

I read this, too, and it certainly gave me some things to think about, things to avoid.

[jojoandleo]

#17 is an issue for me right now. Would printing that out and giving it to my H be passive aggressive? LOL

[redredwine]

Nov 1, 2012 16:49:38 GMT -5 jellymankelly said:

I read it as well. I love Dan (despite the constant AWing and "share this post!" stuff), and it seems to me that his failed marriages have led him to do a lot of introspection. While a lot of these things seem like common sense, thy are easy to overlook when you're busy with life, work, and kids.

I agree. It's so easy to go "Well, DUH! I know you're not supposed to call each other names in an arguement!" but it's another thing to be heavy into a marriage with so many outside factors going on and suddenly you find yourself calling your SO a name, walking out of the room in your sweats and scrunchie and finding an excuse to be away from them for a while.

[stephbfan]

Nov 1, 2012 17:06:53 GMT -5 redredwine said:

Nov 1, 2012 16:49:38 GMT -5 jellymankelly said:

I read it as well. I love Dan (despite the constant AWing and "share this post!" stuff), and it seems to me that his failed marriages have led him to do a lot of introspection. While a lot of these things seem like common sense, thy are easy to overlook when you're busy with life, work, and kids.

I agree. It's so easy to go "Well, DUH! I know you're not supposed to call each other names in an arguement!" but it's another thing to be heavy into a marriage with so many outside factors going on and suddenly you find yourself calling your SO a name, walking out of the room in your sweats and scrunchie and finding an excuse to be away from them for a while.

:Y: :Y:

[doriswe]

I read those the other night and was really touched by how insightful he is...and then I was all "awwww, why can't I meet a guy like that"! In all honesty, I saw a lot of things I did wrong in my marriage....but I knew that when it was falling apart and tried to repair it.

I think going through my divorce has made me better equipped to be in a healthy relationship.