Long Time Lurker with a problem

[screwedup]

So I'm a long time lurker. I hope you smart ladies can help me.

Brief Bio - married first time at 21, six weeks after finishing undergrad degree. After 7 years of marriage, husband decided he wanted a divorce (he was having an affair while he traveled for work). This was completely out of the blue for me and I was very much in love with him. This threw me into a deep depression. Divorce was final the next year (we sold my dream house in the divorce, he got custody of our cats (I got the dogs)) and he remarried rather quickly to a friend of a friend (not who he was having an affair with). exH and I were friendly until he got engaged and then without warning, he cutoff all contact.

After the divorce, I went nuts, got engaged to an alcoholic, ended that before we got married, dated some more, slept around and finally met a nice guy. I rushed him into getting engaged. We got engaged after 6 months of dating (married 1.5 years later). We've now been married since June 2010.

Since we got married, I've been diagnosed with PTSD (mostly from my divorce - it was truly the worst thing that has ever happened to me (but I do have a history of childhood sexual abuse from 11-14). I've also been diagnosed with Bipolar II and BPD. I'm on meds and in therapy (I've done a year of individual therapy and concurrent group DBT therapy).

My husband continually tells me, every single day, how I screw up. And I do. He's not wrong. I fly off the handle, I am controlling (i.e. I need things my way), etc.

I feel awful about all of this. I'm borderline suicidal - I wish I were dead but I don't have a plan (yes, my therapist and shrink know this). I feel like nothing I do is good enough, will ever be good enough, etc. I just started with a new therapist who does EMDR therapy.

I just don't know if I should stay married. I feel like I'm torturing my husband by not being "well enough". He's also hindering my recovering by continually pointing out how I screw up (as if I'm not aware) - when I bring that up, he says "I just want to get your attention". I love my husband but I don't think he's in love with me any more. I think he's sick of me being sick and I think he's here because he made a commitment.

We've tried couple's counseling twice. The last time, he wanted to stop because he said all we did was rehash our fights and we left feeling worse.

I just don't know what to do. Frankly, I need a hug but I don't have any friends either.

[Jalapeñomel]

I´m so sorry. (((Hugs)))

Can you seek out a hospital and get some intensive therapy away from your husband?

[alzi]

I'm sorry:( your H is an ass to make you feel that way. You are working hard on getting yourself better. He needs to find some priorities really quickly, or I think you should move on and focus on you. The way he is treating you is not conducive to getting better.

[screwedup]

Nov 2, 2012 10:48:54 GMT -5 Jalapeñomel said:

I´m so sorry. (((Hugs)))

Can you seek out a hospital and get some intensive therapy away from your husband?

I was actually hospitalized in April for 24 hrs and it was the scariest experience of my life. Also, I work full time and just started a grad program.

I've proposed trial separation so we could either "reset" or just decide what we both want but he's told me a separation = divorce. If I leave the house, I need to be prepared that it will be permanent.

[laptopvixen]

I don't think he's really a nice guy. Not being a cheating alcoholic does not mean someone is a nice guy.

The vow says in sickness and in health.

Divorce him and move on with your life - learn how to be happy alone.

[Muddled]

Why would you stay married to him again?

[Deleted]

Nov 2, 2012 11:11:07 GMT -5 laptopvixen said:

I don't think he's really a nice guy. Not being a cheating alcoholic does not mean someone is a nice guy.

The vow says in sickness and in health.

Divorce him and move on with your life - learn how to be happy alone.

I'm kind of here. I think it would be healthy for you to move on and learn to love yourself flying solo. Not to say love and marriage isn't out there for you, but your pursuit of that may be far more successful once you've had a chance to reset and get YOU in a better place first.

[lightbulbsun]

He kind of sounds like a jerk. If you're working to get better, he should be supportive and not constantly point out things he things you're doing wrong. At this point it might be better to move on and focus on your health. If he's not willing to wait for you then he's not worth it.

(((hugs)))

[Deleted]

Dude is an asshole.

[walterismydog]

Honestly, he kind of sounds like the jerk here. Don't let him make you feel this way. I like Lucy's advice.

[EmilieMadison]

Nov 2, 2012 11:15:41 GMT -5 Lucy Honeychurch said:

He sounds kind of like a dick. I agree with laptop that not being a cheating drunk does not mean he's a prince.

I'm sorry you're dealing with so much; but I agree with LTP. You need to divorce him, focus on your own health. And stay alone for at least a year, seriously. No dating, no fucking random strangers, and no frequenting bars. Go to yoga. Go to therapy.

(hugs)

Allllll of this.
There's a quote I've heard frequently and *some* of it applies here I think: "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you're not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes."

Now, I realize that your depression and bipolar disorder are REAL and need true medical attention and treatment. These are not just byproducts of your situation. But it doesn't sound like your husband is helping to make you feel better about yourself, and is probably hurting you more than anything. And I think you recognize this. Maybe you do just need a truly fresh start.

((hugs))

[juliagoulia]

I'm so sorry that you feel alone- but being with someone who will chop any progress you make at the knees if you make a mistake isn't helping you at all. He's not "bringing it to your attention"- he's guilting you with it. If I had to bet; he's probably using it to manipulate you into taking the blame when something goes wrong (whether its an argument or whatever). You have to be very careful that he's not using you & your illness as a scapegoat.

I'm sorry that you feel so alone but I think LHC is spot on; you need to get away from him and truly commit to focusing on yourself and getting better.

[papie]

I think everyone else is right, yoru husband is an asshole. I'm so sorry for everything you are dealing with. I would divorce and focus on your health.

[Deleted]

I think you should ditch him and work on yourself and your health.

Good luck!

[scotty]

Nov 2, 2012 10:51:53 GMT -5 screwedup said:

Nov 2, 2012 10:48:54 GMT -5 Jalapeñomel said:

I�m so sorry. (((Hugs)))

Can you seek out a hospital and get some intensive therapy away from your husband?

I was actually hospitalized in April for 24 hrs and it was the scariest experience of my life. Also, I work full time and just started a grad program.

I've proposed trial separation so we could either "reset" or just decide what we both want but he's told me a separation = divorce. If I leave the house, I need to be prepared that it will be permanent.

Doesn't sound very reasonable on his part.

So you're in grad school, too? That's a lot of stress.

Are you eating well, drinking plenty of water, avoiding booze for the most part, sleeping okay (getting into bed before 11 and unwinding with a book), and exercising (emphasis on last part). You should try to do all of those things if you aren't. Some people poo-poo it, but it works wonders for me.

So you married this guy when you were basically in love with someone else who turned out to be a complete ass and trample all over your heart. Sounds like a lot of work to do -- being truly honest with yourself about your feelings and what you need, if this guy even plays a role anymore, and you have to be patient with yourself. Be honest with yourself and ask yourself if you need more stress right now while you're sorting things out.

You need to remember your worth and the sexual abuse and first husband really knocked that all to sh*t. Focus on treating you like a queen. Even if you don't think you deserve it, you do. GL.

[sprky79]

You need to be your own friend first.

What would you tell a friend if they came to you with this? They would tell you that its time to put a plan together to get yourself back onyour feet. YOURSELF. Whether that is with your husband or not (likely not).

You spent the last few years reeling from the shock of your divorce. Let yourself get grounded, make peace with yourself, then you can work on whether you want a husband.

Please take care of yourself.

[Deleted]

Talk to school and work about a leave of absence. What good is an education or career if you are dead? Check into a hospital to get yourself healthy, then flourish in your life with or without your husband.

[WOT?*]

Nov 2, 2012 11:16:24 GMT -5 @missusbee said:

Nov 2, 2012 11:11:07 GMT -5 laptopvixen said:

I don't think he's really a nice guy. Not being a cheating alcoholic does not mean someone is a nice guy.

The vow says in sickness and in health.

Divorce him and move on with your life - learn how to be happy alone.

I'm kind of here. I think it would be healthy for you to move on and learn to love yourself flying solo. Not to say love and marriage isn't out there for you, but your pursuit of that may be far more successful once you've had a chance to reset and get YOU in a better place first.

So much this, especially the bolded. It's what I've been trying to tell my daughter for years. She's about to lose her children because she's so intent on being a couple before she's a person. Don't do that to yourself. Work on fixing yourself without having the outside influences to misguide you.

[kellbell191]

I disagree with couples counseling for you all. I think you BOTH need to be in individual counseling and he needs to come to some sessions with your counselor to help understand your thought processes and ways he can change the way he speaks to you. It sounds like you all have created a pattern you're having a hard time breaking out of, but it can be done.

[kellbell191]

BTW his attendance with your counselor should be about him understand your thought processes and him helping you find ways to be healthier. This is not about ways you can change to make him less of an asshole.

[karmasabiotch]

You need to be alone and happy before you can be with someone. Dump this jerk. He's crushing you and not lifting you up.

[Deleted]

This troubles me. You don't have a plan but you wish you were dead. Honey, I am so sorry. You sound deeply deeply depressed and maybe an inpatient facility to work on these issues would be beneficial.

I have never gone through this so I am not sure if that is good advice or not but its scares me to picture you alone with no friends and no where to turn. HUGS.. Wish I could come get you right now!

Stay strong. Are you on medication? Have you changed medication? HUGS

[screwedup]

Nov 2, 2012 14:17:31 GMT -5 Que? said:

If you need a friend through this, you have one right here, ok? You are important, and I for one do not want you to die.

You have no idea how much this means to me. I know I'm a virtual stranger. You will have a PM later.

[screwedup]

All, I've read all of your replies and I showed this thread to my husband. We have had an all day long talk (both work from home on Fridays). He had no idea about a lot of how I was feeling and we're making some positive progress. I want to thank you all for your input and your responses. I'll reply to some of them more indepth later. I'm worn out from all of the talking.

Also, seeing my shrink tomorrow to talk about adjusting my meds and if partial hospitalization would be appropriate. (Yes, he works on Saturday! Crazy, right?)

Again, thanks for your time responding to a total stranger.

[saraandmichael]

I will be your friend. You can talk to me whenever you want. Being bipolar is not anything to end your life over. And frankly, I don't think you need to be married to someone that will throw a medical diagnosis in your face every time you mess up.

We all mess up, its a fact of life. In fact, I am messing up right now by being on my laptop and not folding laundry and cooking dinner. But your partner shouldn't be pointing it out on the regular. So its not that you seem to be torturing your husband, but that he seems to be doing it to you.

[EmilieMadison]

Nov 2, 2012 16:44:46 GMT -5 screwedup said:

Nov 2, 2012 14:17:31 GMT -5 Que? said:

If you need a friend through this, you have one right here, ok? You are important, and I for one do not want you to die.

You have no idea how much this means to me. I know I'm a virtual stranger. You will have a PM later.

Dont ever feel like you're alone. You can call me a friend, too.

[screwedup]

Nov 2, 2012 16:50:03 GMT -5 saraandmichael said:

I will be your friend. You can talk to me whenever you want. Being bipolar is not anything to end your life over. And frankly, I don't think you need to be married to someone that will throw a medical diagnosis in your face every time you mess up.

We all mess up, its a fact of life. In fact, I am messing up right now by being on my laptop and not folding laundry and cooking dinner. But your partner shouldn't be pointing it out on the regular. So its not that you seem to be torturing your husband, but that he seems to be doing it to you.

Sara - you always seem so kind to everyone. I really appreciate this.

ML Ladies are always awesome, even when the truth is harsh.

[screwedup]

Nov 2, 2012 16:50:59 GMT -5 EmilieMadison said:

Nov 2, 2012 16:44:46 GMT -5 screwedup said:

Dont ever feel like you're alone. You can call me a friend, too.

Thanks so much. I really appreciate it.

[cinnamoncox]

Nov 2, 2012 14:17:31 GMT -5 Que? said:

If you need a friend through this, you have one right here, ok? You are important, and I for one do not want you to die.

Me too
I'm also a lurker but I don't want u to die, you have so much life left that with proper treatment and support will be/can be so so worth living
Good luck and God bless


Sent from my iPhone using ProBoards

[leahmel]

You've got another friend here. I am serious. [e-mail], email whenever.