I work for an AmLaw100 firm. Not sure if it is biglaw. It pays biglaw salaries, but it isn't one of the top 10. I have children and went to a reduced schedule after the first was born. I went to an even lower reduced schedule after the 2nd. As most reduced schedules go, I end up working a lot more than what I should, and there really is no way around this.
My husband makes a lot more money than I do. We don't need my salary, and a large portion of it goes towards the nanny. I feel like my life is out of control and am considering quitting. We have lots of savings/retirement/rainy day money. Our lifestyle won't really change if I do quit. But it will be unlikely that I ever will work at a large firm again. I don't want to go in-house right now for various reasons, and the govt isn't compatible with the type of work I do. So it really is stay where I am or quit. Wwyd? I am mostly concerned about death/divorce/me losing my mind if I become a SAHM.
Post by karinothing on Nov 2, 2012 17:28:33 GMT -5
Can you work at a small firm? Do a different type of law? I think if you are worried about losing your mind, maybe SAH isn't a good thing for you. But I understand wanting to be out of big law.
I work for an AmLaw100 firm. Not sure if it is biglaw. It pays biglaw salaries, but it isn't one of the top 10. I have children and went to a reduced schedule after the first was born. I went to an even lower reduced schedule after the 2nd. As most reduced schedules go, I end up working a lot more than what I should, and there really is no way around this.
This above is all true for me as well. And I am pregnant with a third. If my husband made more money than me (sadly, that part is not true for me), I would quit. I would do something--look into being a clinical professor, do contract work, start thinking about non-law jobs--but I wouldn't work in Big Law if I didn't need the money. The money is the only reason to do this job.
A small firm wouldn't do the type of law that I do (sorry about being intentionally vague). I really don't have a desire to make partner, but I am senior enough that it is going to come up soon. I think they would probably make me of counsel due to my reduced schedule. Bah. I wish this was easier to figure out. Actually, I wish I did some kind of professional shift work, like nurse or pharmacist. I messed up my career choice!
I work for an AmLaw100 firm. Not sure if it is biglaw. It pays biglaw salaries, but it isn't one of the top 10. I have children and went to a reduced schedule after the first was born. I went to an even lower reduced schedule after the 2nd. As most reduced schedules go, I end up working a lot more than what I should, and there really is no way around this.
This above is all true for me as well. And I am pregnant with a third. If my husband made more money than me (sadly, that part is not true for me), I would quit. I would do something--look into being a clinical professor, do contract work, start thinking about non-law jobs--but I wouldn't work in Big Law if I didn't need the money. The money is the only reason to do this job.
See, I actually like the work. I just don't like the lack of control/schedule/ridiculous expectations. And I think a little bit is my ego will be hurt if I quit. I know that sounds awful.
Post by DarcyLongfellow on Nov 2, 2012 17:39:22 GMT -5
You know this, but there's really no way for anyone to answer this question for you. All we can do is tell you what we would do/did do in this situation, so that's what I'm going to do :-)
I went to a top 20 law school, had a federal clerkship, then I worked for a BigLaw firm for 4 years. I quit after my daughter was born. It was a (a relatively) easy decision for me because I *hated* my job. I really enjoyed my coursework in law school, I loved learning about law, I loved the writing part of my job as an associate, and I loved the people I worked with. But I absolutely hated practicing law.
Even though I was happy to not do that job any more, it was a rough transition to staying at home. It was harder for me than it would be for you because I quit my job at the same time that I was adjusting to being a mom. Everything in my life totally changed in an instant, and it was hard.
I do struggle sometimes with the fact that I will *never* again make as much money as I did when I was with my old firm. If something happened to DH, I really would be in trouble for a while. I could support the family, but it would take some time for me to reestablish myself in the work force. (That's what life insurance is for.) I am looking into some very part time opportunities, such as teaching at a law school in my town or doing some editing work.
So, that's my story. I think that your feelings that your life is out of control and that you'd be happier not working are very common. I know I would feel the same way, and I have friends who have left their jobs under similar circumstances.
It's true that not everyone is happy as a stay at home mom. But I don't think you'll be bored, if that's your concern. One of my best friends was miserable before she went back to work, but she just didn't make any effort to meet other stay at home moms or get her kids involved in activities. If you can arrange your schedule so that you stay busy with the kids, then you won't be bored. Moms Club (check out momsclub.org) is awesome for this; so is your public library.
Also, I'm not sure that your options are as limited as you think. There are options for you besides SAH or working at a law firm, you just may have to think outside the box a bit. What's your area of practice? Could you look into non-firm positions such as non-profits? What about working limited hours for a very small firm -- have any of your friends left to start their own firms? Even volunteering with legal aid could keep your skills up so you'd have an easier time entering the work force later.
Oh - I know no one can answer this for me, I just like to hear what others think. Part of me worries that I would be giving up and disappointing people and people will judge me.
I quit my profession to SAH & was out 7yrs with the thought I'd never work again in my field. I'm am Architect. I had a part time job fall in my lap so I was wrong & it was nice for a while. I've worked 1.5yrs & now am pg again. I am starting to feel that out of control, chaos feeling in our lives. I'm considering quitting to SAH full time again. This lifestyle of being super busy (missing tons of the kid's school stuff), too tired to function & chaotic is not working for me. Plus I hate my current project which is sending me over the edge. I have mild concerns over the "what ifs" but I don't want to live in fear. Money is a non-issue for us at this point too. If I was you & really feeling overwhelmed I'd probably SAH....I'm quickly heading there.
I can only speak from my personal experience, but I tried to quit my job to SAH at one time. I had more flexibility to return to my job than it sounds like you do, so it was easier to do a SAHM trial run so to speak, but I found that SAH just did not work for me. In large part this was because when I was away from my work I missed it--a lot. It felt like a fundamental part of me was missing and I just did not get the same level of satisfaction out of parenting as I do from my work. The experience also helped me to realize that the crappy parts of my work that originally made me want to quit just seemed bigger in the moment than they really were. There are crappy things about every job including the job of SAHM, but I am able to put up with them because having seen it from the other side, I know I am happier and better off doing what I truly love.
I work part time now while DD is with a nanny, about 20 hours a week, so I feel I get a good balance of time with both work and being a mom. Some weeks are easier than others but on balance it works well.
This is not to say that you should stick with your job... that's obviously your choice alone... but the fact that you said you love your work stuck out at me and I wanted to give you my experience and perspective coming from a similar place even though I do very different work.
Oh - I know no one can answer this for me, I just like to hear what others think. Part of me worries that I would be giving up and disappointing people and people will judge me.
You have to let this go. Who would you be disappointing and who would judge you, and why do those people matter more than what makes you happiest and what is best for your family? More or less anyone working in Big Law got there because they are achievement-oriented. For most of us, some measure of our self-worth is wrapped up in having a relatively impressive job.
But life is short and if working in Big Law is making you unhappy or making your life too difficult to manage and quitting will not cause problems financially, then quit. It sounds like you are in a pretty specialized area, but you don't have to stay there. You are obviously a smart, hard-working person. I refuse to believe that your options are Big Law attorney or SAHM. Presumably you are still in your 20s/30s/40s. It is not too late to start over and find a career that you enjoy and that is more compatible with family life.
Conversely, if you genuinely enjoy your work, then have you tried to draw a line in the sand and just be more protective of your reduced schedule? If you are already close to quitting, you may as well take your job out for a ride before you do and see just how much flexibility and control you can have when you demand it. You might find that you can exert more control then you think you can. And if not, then you can quit knowing you did all you could to try to make it work.
Another lawyer chiming in. I only have one child so far, but I just don't think I could do SAH. I enjoy my work, and I think too much of my identity is tied up in working.
I realize you're saying a small firm or govt wouldn't work, but what about other opportunities? I would explore that instead of totally quitting.
Also, this is all to be taken with a grain of salt because I have no idea what 3 kids would be like.
Love of my life baby boy born 11/11. One and done not by choice; 3 years of TTC yielded 4 MMC and 2 CPs, through 4 IUIs and 2 IVFs. Focusing on making the world a better place instead...and running.
Oh - I know no one can answer this for me, I just like to hear what others think. Part of me worries that I would be giving up and disappointing people and people will judge me.
Well, you would be giving something up, of course. But you'd be choosing to give it up because you're making a choice that's better for your family.
As for the judging, this will depend on a lot of things. I have never been judged for quitting. But, I live in a small city in the South, so mothers staying at home is very, very common. I got nothing but pats on the back for choosing to SAH. Actually, it kind of bothered me. All the partners (who have wives who SAH) and the secretaries at my old firm told me how wonderful it was that I was choosing to stay home with DD. They were so vocal about it, it kind of made me uncomfortable. Like, they would have been judging me if I'd decided to keep working, and WERE judging my good friends who still work at the law firm and have kids.
So, you'll probably face judgment no matter what you do (which, sadly, you probably know, as a working mom!). You just have to ask yourself whether the people you really care about will judge you -- your good friends, your family.
You can still be very involved in the profession even if you don't work at a firm. You could volunteer with the bar or do volunteer legal work.
Post by whitemerlot on Nov 2, 2012 18:18:50 GMT -5
My husband works long hours sometimes and makes much more than I did working. For our family, it was the best decision to have me stay at home with the kids. I feel a little funny about it sometimes because I have a master's degree.
I know I shouldn't care about what others think, but part of it is tied in with my own self-worth. Maybe I should try just really sticking to my reduced schedule and seeing how much push back I get. The biggest issue is that I hate the idea of not getting things done asap, plus I feel a lot of responsibility to make sure everything is done correctly. And I feel like I am the one who ultimately is responsible for things, probably in part due to my personality.
If you work a reduced schedule, what are your days/hours like when you're home with the kids? Do you enjoy it? Do you feel like this is something you can do FT?
Are there volunteer opportunities to use your law degree that you can use to 1) keep yourself sane and 2) keep your resume updated?
I agree that you have a lot of options besides quit or stay the same.
FWIW, I have a PhD and quit to SAH with DD almost 3 years ago. I went back for a month after mat leave to help out at work, and they decided they wanted me to freelance. When they have extra workload they call me and I work remotely for them. It keeps my resume fresh and brings in some extra bucks here and there. In no way do I feel like I gave up or that I'm disappointing someone. I got my degree because I liked the work, and I did my thing for a while. If someone wants to judge, that's their problem.
But I have always wanted to SAH and I am definitely not career-driven.
When you talk about people judging you, why don't you think about your kids in that equation too? I"m sure they would much rather have a mom who isn't stressed and frustrated and is more "present" with them. KWIM? I'm not saying you're a bad mom on ANY level- I'm just running w/ your comment about how things are out of control. Trust me - your kids pick up on that on some level.
Don't worry about "other people". Worry about your DH and your kids and yourself. That is REALLY what matters the most here.
And as others said - you don't have ONLY 2 choices here. There are other options. I realize you're somewhat specialized, but couldn't you translate some of those skills into another area of law where there ARE more options?
Or sure, use this time to do some soul searching and maybe if there is another career path you'd like to pursue, then start to pursue it!
my husband left firm work and is in corporate law and loves it. He doesn't make as much as he could in a firm, by far, but he's home every night by 6pm and doesn't have to do work at home, and minimal travel. That was more important to him than tons of money, etc.
I hate working now that DS is here. My job just isn't fulfilling me like it used to. I had a 4.5 month maternity leave and loved it. I didn't think I would love SAH as much as I did.
We are working on living off of DH's income and I hope to SAH after this school year is over.
I am mostly concerned about death/divorce/me losing my mind if I become a SAHM.
Well if you do think that SAH sounds appealing in general, there are some things you can do to minimize the impact of these specific problems. A larger life insurance policy for your DH, a post-nuptial agreement that would require him to pay you alimony for a certain number of years in the event of divorce, and a part time nanny or regular babysitter to give you some time to yourself to relax or to volunteer. Making the effort to meet other SAHMs and to keep your kids busy will also help with the last one.
FWIW, I do enjoy SAH for the most part. I like being able to take the kids to their various activities and to places like the library, zoo, science museum, etc. I like being available to volunteer at their school and to spend time with them doing things like craft projects or puzzles. I mostly use our babysitter to take my 4 yo and 2 yo out without having to drag the baby along but one afternoon a week she watches all three of them and I take a nice long break which helps me to recharge. Of course there are stressful times when the boys fight or the baby refuses to take a nap but we usually do have a good time. What I want them to remember most about this aspect of their childhood is their mother being around a lot spending time with them and having fun.
I left a job that I hated to become a SAHM so it was a lot easier for me to make the decision to quit than it sounds like it will be for you. If you genuinely like the work that you're doing and think you'll want to go back to it at some point soon, I don't know that it will be worth the hit that your career will take. On the the other hand, if you think you might be satisfied with volunteering or might want to use the time you're off to figure out another career path entirely, then it could be worth it. Good luck with whatever you decide to do!