*UPDATE* My H is on adult friend finder...

[iamblue]

*UPDATE*... I have not talked to him yet but am going to tonight. Update on page 3.


... complete lurker (have been for like a year). I am not sure how to handle this and I don't want to talk to anyone I know IRL because people never forget!


So my H is at work and I went to look up something on his ipad really quickly so I didn't have to turn on my laptop. It was open to safari, with the history open, and it says he went to several adult friend finder sites... so of course I'm like WTF. Now I was in know way meaning to snoop, but seeing this I am concerned.

It turns out he has a PAID account... he even has a picture of himself (not his face but his chest/torso and I know it's him). He also wrote in his info section stuff he likes to do. It seems like he acquired this account pretty recently... so he doesn't really have a lot of "stuff" to see. It looks like he's sent some friend requests...

I don't think he has met any one off of there. But... yet? Is he planning on cheating?

I am torn between confronting him when he gets home or seeing how this site activity develops. I don't care if he looks at porn, and I wouldn't be as upset if it was a non-paid, non picture or info account because I'd think he was just maybe looking at something out of curiosity. But paying for and adding info - this shit is intentional.

We have been married about a year and a half (together for 5 total). We don't have sex night and day because we both have busy work schedules, but I'd say we do it at least 2-3 times a week, so I feel like our sex life is ok. About 6 months ago we went to counseling a few times to learn how to fight fair, because our fights were getting bad... there were no infidelity issues though.

HOW DO I HANDLE THIS?

I love him. I think he loves me. I want to stay married. I don't know if I can handle this breach of trust. I feel like something is already ruined.

I don't even know how to approach him. I am alone in our house and am freaking out. I have heard the advice you ladies give... any would be appreciated.

[Bumblebee]

I'm really sorry that you are going through this.

[TrickyBob]

I'm going to send you a PM

[iamblue]

Buy WHY? I know I am not perfect, but I feel like we have a good marriage. This is just so unreal to me.

[melindafelinda]

I'm sorry but he's cheating or trying to cheat. See a therapist or a lawyer but yeah, this is not good.

[iamblue]

Sorry i am a true lurker and not a poster. I don't know how to quote on proboards or check for PMs. Help? I appreciate you taking the time to write me.

[melindafelinda]

Nov 6, 2012 18:46:26 GMT -5 iamblue said:

Buy WHY? I know I am not perfect, but I feel like we have a good marriage. This is just so unreal to me.

It has nothing to do with you. People who cheat are selfish. Its about them and their own shit.

[girlfriday11]

I am so sorry. Get yourself tested for STDs stat.

[bab]

I am so sorry. That is not porn, he is looking to hook up with someone.

[Kore]

I'm sorry This is not about you or anything you did.

[bab]

Scroll to the top of your scheen. It will say "Hey iamblue, you have ___ messages." Click there to read them

[Deleted]

I'm really sorry. What a dick move.

Confront him as soon as he gets home and don't take dumb excuses. He is definitely trying to cheat or may already have.

[Deleted]

I'm so sorry. I agree, find a therapist and lawyer ASAP.
And if you have any good, close friends who you think might be able to support you in this and you are serious about investigating this, I would try and confide in them. You will need support.

[iamblue]

Also, some of these people he sent friend requests are not even in our area? So I don't know how he would meet them...

[underwaterrhymes]

I'm so sorry. Yes, either he has already cheated and plans on continuing, or he is looking to cheat.

This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. He is a straight-up selfish asshole.

Please get yourself tested and get a lawyer. Again, I'm so sorry.

[pedanticwench]

Take a picture of the stuff on his iPad with a good camera, so it will be clear. Take a screenshot and email it to yourself. Save the evidence, you're going to need it.

I'm so sorry.

[Deleted]

Nov 6, 2012 18:51:55 GMT -5 iamblue said:

Also, some of these people he sent friend requests are not even in our area? So I don't know how he would meet them...

People travel for work all the time......

I'm sorry you are going through this.

He is looking to cheat. He likely already has. Get thee to a lawyer and find a good friend (IRL) to confine in stat.

[TrickyBob]

Nov 6, 2012 18:48:01 GMT -5 iamblue said:

Sorry i am a true lurker and not a poster. I don't know how to quote on proboards or check for PMs. Help? I appreciate you taking the time to write me.

At the top of the screen it will say "1 messages, 1 are new"

[pistolshrimp]

I also sent you a PM. Also wanted to tell you to take screenshots of everything you can and keep them in a safe e-mail that he has no access to. Don't confront until you have all your ducks in a row.

[kaylie]

I'm so sorry - I really can't imagine how scary and awful that feels. As far as I know, that site is for connecting with people and I would definitely consider it cheating. I would be very direct when you confront him and let him know that cheating is a dealbreaker and will definitely lead to divorce. I really hope you're able to overcome it somehow.

Don't blame yourself, he's the one with a problem.

[iamblue]

That's for the words so far. I am not really "blaming myself"... I think we have a good marriage. Except now I am second guessing it and trying to figure out what would make him want to do this? I feel like it's something in him... not necessarily me.

How many ducks in a row do I need before I confront?

I honestly do not think he has cheated on me, but this is definitely seeming like he is considering it. I now have his username and PW to the site... do I wait it out and see who he contacts? I don't think I can pretend to act normal for that long.

[iamblue]

Nov 6, 2012 18:46:24 GMT -5 TrickyBob said:

I'm going to send you a PM

I PM'd you back.

I also found the quote button

[WOT?*]

Nov 6, 2012 19:08:05 GMT -5 iamblue said:

That's for the words so far. I am not really "blaming myself"... I think we have a good marriage. Except now I am second guessing it and trying to figure out what would make him want to do this? I feel like it's something in him... not necessarily me.

How many ducks in a row do I need before I confront?

I honestly do not think he has cheated on me, but this is definitely seeming like he is considering it. I now have his username and PW to the site... do I wait it out and see who he contacts? I don't think I can pretend to act normal for that long.

It's not you. It's completely him. You've done nothing to warrant him cheating on you. He has a problem he needs to communicate to you or (to your knowledge) there is nothing wrong with your marriage. So, you see, it's on him and his not communicating that there's something wrong *with him* that makes *him* want to go outside the marriage for anything. It's all him, him, him. No matter what, if he isn't communicating that he has issues, there is nothing you can do or know so there is nothing to blame on you at all. It's ALL on him.

[kaylie]

I would take that username an pw and try to use it on similar sites. pp mentioned Ashley Madison, but if you google "married personals" you get others.

Personally, I don't think I'd be able to wait to confront him if it was me. I'm too hot headed and would rip him a new one the second he got in the door. That's probably not the best advice, though.

[chocolatechips]

Ugh, what a terrible situation. Especially since you think that he's looking, might not have acted on it yet (but, as someone else said, he may have done something with a webcam.) I recommend looking into some other sites too...maybe you will find more, and will have an idea of how big this is. As others have said, document everything.

[kcandbrae]

i'm sorry

finding my then H's profile on that exact site caused our teetering marriage to plummet to it's death.

it could be that he is wanting just the sexual conversations and/or photos for the thrills and isn't intending any actual contact, but ask yourself if you're cool with that prior to confronting him.

[sawyerthedestroyer]

Adult Friend Finder is one of the many methods my XH was using to cheat on me.

I'm so sorry.

[pistolshrimp]

I'd pull detailed phone records. Also, he has probably set up another e-mail account aside from his usual one that he is using. Check to see if his Adult Friend Finder profile links to it. If so, the PW is probably the same. I'd definitely see if I could get a free consult with a lawyer before confronting.

I was in this position and to this day I can't prove whether or not he actually "cheated," but what I did find out was, to me, a million times worse.

[pistolshrimp]

Google the username and see if it pops up on any other sites

[iamblue]

Nov 6, 2012 19:10:28 GMT -5 letsgetweird said:

Can you check his email and his phone?

I don't have any of his e-mail PWs... technically I can see his e-mail on his ipad (which is how I got the AFF info)... but that is not something I can just see all the time.

I know I sound naive, but I honestly don't think he has done anything yet... I don't even know how he would have the time (He's in medical school). But I guess the fact that he may be considering it is what is so gut wrenching. I want to fix this! I do not want to get a lawyer or a divorce, but I also know I do not deserve someone who does not give me the respect I deserve...

I can't say 100% that cheating is a dealbreaker, b/c I know some couples get over it. I don't think I am cut out to be one of those couples though. I could try to move on, but the trust would never be there again.

I am eerily calm right now. I am not looking forward to him coming home. I almost want to wait it out and see what he does on the site, but I don't think I will be able to without it being obvious I am upset for the next few days,