@ Would you?

[secretidentity]

If you found out that one of your children has something 'wrong' with them, i.e. autism, would you go on to have more children or would you stop even though you had wanted to have more children in the future?

[crimsonandclover]

I'm a little confused about what this has to do with International Families, but maybe you're a regular hiding behind the secret identity?? (I haven't read the new posts in the "if you have a different sn" thread yet)

Anyway, it's hard to say without being in the situation. Even if you specify autism, there are degrees of autism, with some children being pretty functional and others not at all. For me, it would probably depend on how time and money intensive caring for the child would be. I like to think I would have more kids since (as far as I know, which isn't far at all), autism isn't genetic and certainly isn't one of those things like CF, where if you're both carriers then there's a 25% chance each child will have it. I don't think there's a right or wrong answer in this situation, and I hope you're not going through it personally.

I also think it's ridiculous to expect anyone to pick a number of children they want to have and stay with it no matter what. Who cares if I said I want a huge family? Financial constraints might make me want to stop after 2. Or 1. Or maybe after I have one I just decide that I don't want any more or that I had a difficult pregnancy and can't put my body through that again. Whatever. The point is that this is something you're allowed to change your mind about for whatever reasons are relevant for you.

[secretidentity]

Thank for answering.

I am posting this here because I am a regular on the IN board, but I am not ready to let anyone know that one of my children might be autistic. I thought I would take advantage of the board being new and all.

[crimsonandclover]

I'm so sorry to hear that. I hope you know that it's nothing to be ashamed of. It has nothing to do with anything you have or haven't done, and I don't think any of us will think differently of you if you tell us under your real name (well, we might think you're an even stronger person than we originally thought).

I'm latching on to the "might" right now and really hoping that it doesn't turn out to be autism.

As far as your original question goes, my answer stays the same. No one can know how they will react in such a situation. Life changes, plans change. If you feel that you're done having children because of the commitments (both financial and time-wise) you will have to make, then that is perfectly legitimate. If you feel that people will judge you because you still want to have more children, then I say don't worry about them and continue growing your family if that's what you want. I know a family with 5 healthy children and one severely autistic one. I think he was the 4th (I only know the parents, who are as old as my grandparents), so they had more children after him. Really, it is completely and totally your choice.

[karmaroma]

I don't think I would make a decision until I knew everything about my child's level of autism and he was deeply and thoroughly evaluated. As far as I know there are some detectable genetic factors holding higher recurrence risk that can be identified through careful medical evaluation. A family I know has a moderately autistic child and had a second typical child when the first was three y/o. The first is moderately autistic in the sense that he has good communication skills and is highly functioning.

I wish you a world of luck with this and sincerely hope for the best!

[mouseinlux]

I'd wait it out, find out the severity and talk with my husband about it. If we thought that we could deal with having a child with different needs and one or two more children then we would go ahead. I think that with my husband we wouldn't go ahead as I think it would be a bit much for him but as I've never talked to him I don't know what he would say for sure.

[Deleted]

I would discuss it with my husband, wait for a full evaluation of the child, discuss finances and time commitments necessary to help manage the autism and go from there. If both of you are still on board for a second child, then I would go for it. I might wait a while to get help with behavior management and figure out a learning plan, but it wouldn't mean a definite no. If the diagnosis is recent, I would wait a bit though. Good luck with your decision! If it is austism, it doesn't mean you can't have other kids or that you won't have a normal family life. I have a cousin who is austistic and while it is a lot of work, my aunt lives a full and productive life with my cousin and her two other children.

[Cheesecake]

A friend of mine went through the same dilemma and eventually decided to have another child. Their second child doesn't have the same issues, is a completely different child and it works out great for their family. Their youngest actually helped pull their oldest out of his shell a little bit.

Since the beginning of this school year - next to his regular school - he goes to specialized after school care and he is really improving.
It'll always be difficult for them, but having a second child hasn't made the situation any harder.
That's them though, and every family is different. Besides you and YH's wishes and willingness/capabilities to cope with this, you need to consider other care where you live. Are there decent programs to help your child progress, do you have enough support when you need it. Friends/family near who can lend a hand or a shoulder to cry on?

While autism is super sucky, it is something you can live a successful life with. I had a classmate in college (journalism school no less) who was autistic. The city with a/the top rated technical university in NL also is the city with the highest number of people with autism (something within the spectrum). The reason is 100% that the nerd school is full of autistic people.

[clickerish]

Like others have said, it's highly situational and individual. Autism, unlike Tay Sachs, for example, isn't a guaranteed genetic sentence and has a variety of degrees. A dear friend of mine has a brother with a higher-functioning level of autism but the other two have nothing. He is loved by both his sisters and her parents have never regretted having more. It really depends on what you feel you can handle, how you feel you might deal with it were you to have a second child with autism and so forth. I do feel your dilemma, though. My brother has a genetic disease that has the possibility of being passed down through me, and I often wonder if having children is "right" or not. I hope that, if I have them, others won't judge me for making the best choice for me (and my children).

[Deleted]

We are struggling with this very question right now and I do not have an answer in the long term but short term I am against it. I am against it at the moment because:

A) I am f'ing tired. Exhausted physically and mentally actually. We go from appointment to appointment to therapy to appointment. Every day I feel like I am going to crack from the pressure. I have no idea how I would handle the stress/emotion/etc of a pregnancy and eventually a second child right now.

B) This is expensive. This month starts our first month of paying $130 out of pocket every week for OT, PT, Behavioral, and eventually Speech Therapies. Our insurance is an 80/20 version (they pay 80%, we pay 20% - my husband works for a very large, international company and this was the best policy they had) and my husband makes good money but it is never enough. I have no idea how I would get a full time job to cover the cost of these medical bills and take the kid to therapy. I have no idea how we're ever going to afford a second child. It would cost me OOP $2500 to have a baby then of course the actual cost of a baby (diapers, formula, well baby check ups, etc etc etc).

C) Guilt. I would feel guilty for taking attention from this child who needs me and I would feel guilty dragging second child from appointment to appointment to appointment for first child.

The thought a second child might have the same problems hasn't even crossed my mind so I can't talk to that.

Did I mention I am exhausted? Sorry I didn't answer your question at all but just wanted to tell you we're in the same boat.

My husband is crushed because he wants a second child so bad but now I can't commit to that because he works 75 hours a week. The responsibility of raising a child (or children) falls completely on me so now matter how much it crushes him or ruins his life (that is another topic of conversation for a later time) I need to make a decision to keep myself sane for the kid we do have right now.

Maybe in the future I'll be ready but right now I don't think it is a great idea.

[secretidentity]

Thank you everyone for your answers. We are only at the start of getting a diagnosis, but the whole assessment can take up to 2.5 years. I know that if he is diagnosed then he will be at the high functioning end of the spectrum.

Hey Y'All - thank you for answering, I was starting to think that I was a bad person for thinking otherwise. I get the exhausted part. He has other problems too so we are constantly going from doctor to doctor. When the woman from the special needs department did his school assessment she told me that he lacks self confidence and one of the reasons she gave is because he goes to doctors and hospitals all the time. I actually don't know if I could go and get a full time job at the moment because I am not sure where I would find the time. My husband also works long hours so I am the one doing the carting about. My favorite medical person at the moment is his speech therapist, although she did tell me this week that she thinks he has a social communication disorder so at least I know that we are getting somewhere. Its just so frustrating because sometimes I think I am just a bad parent and feel guilty for dragging him from one medical person to another and sometimes I feel like there must be something wrong because I don't know other children that are like him and why is my life so 'difficult', then I feel guilty for worrying about my life when there might be something wrong with him, how selfish can I be?

Anyway, just thank you for replying.

[Deleted]

Just to add on, you aren't selfish. Having a special needs child is HARD. Don't feel guilty

[Deleted]

I hear you.

While we were trying to rule out anything physical (my son has tics, he also had febrile seizure, and speech delay) we were at the doctors way too often. One day we rode past one of his doctor's offices and he had a meltdown. He kept saying, "momma, momma, please no doctor want to go down the slide." We're finally at a place where we know it isn't something physical (like a tumor or diabetes or crazy neurological disorder) but developmental/behavioral.

Most of his appointments are now fun for him. We call them "gym" or sports class. His OT is on a playground. His PT room looks like a big huge kid playroom. His behaviorist his observing him in his environment instead of a sterile office (she came to his school, will come to our house, will go on a play date with us, shopping, etc etc etc). It does get better.

I almost smacked my husband yesterday because he said I talk to too many people about what is going on and that people are going to start dismissing him as the kid with the behavioral problem and not look at him for he actually is. I broke down crying over that because keeping this all in and trying to handle it on my own is not helpful to me. I need to get it out and my friends/family are there to listen. I would also never be friends with someone who would dismiss my child and not try to understand him. I do have a few friends that I have cut back on telling things to because they feel the need to fix my problems or find answers to my questions but really I just want someone to listen. That just happens to be their coping mechanism and it doesn't mesh with mine so I don't share much with them.

I guess the point of this follow up is that it's OK to talk about and fuck those who judge because there is something going on with your kid. This is your life and how you handle it is your choice. Take a step back and decide for yourself what you want. Don't do what is best for your husband (no matter how bad you think it will make him feel - he'll get over it - and when people say you're a team you should make decisions together while that is true sometimes you give up part of yourself to make the other happy - this is not a good situation for that) - do what is best for you.

I also found myself a therapist to just kind of help process all this. Supposedly she is teaching me how to cope with all this but really I just enjoy the hour a week to NOT be judged or told what to do or be forced to make a decision. It's an hour for just me and while nothing is ever really 100% accomplished in there, I always feel better coming out of those sessions.

Good luck on your decision.

[Secret Identity Number 2]

I am sorry that I am a bit late to the post. I just read it and my heart breaks for the OP and for Hey All. Parenting in general is extremely hard. And it sounds that both of you are fantastic moms who are doing their best to take care of your LOs.

If you don’t mind me throwing in my two cents, I would like to add a different perspective. I was a SN child. I have an older brother but my parents decided not to go for a third child when they realized that I was SN. Besides having a whole host of health problems, I had a major speech delay and basically had to go different therapies until high school when I refused to go anymore.

At the end of the day, it is your decision if you want to have another child. In my situation, it was a bit different because my parents already had a DS. I know it was difficult at times for him because they had to pay so much attention to me especially when I was younger. However, my parents did their best to make him feel special and they had a lot of alone time with him. Having him there made, my parents not obsess about me SN and my therapies. I couldn’t be the center of the universe, because of my other brother. So in a sense it brought a certain normalcy to my house. In addition, being a SN can be a bit lonely as a kid. It is not like people are fighting to be your friend. But I knew that I always had a playmate at home and somebody else to love me unconditionally. I am sure there were times it was difficult for my brother but he is such a compassionate and patience person today.

And finally, (and I don’t want to be like YEAH ME!), my parents and my doctors are not only surprised that I survived but that I live a completely normal life. I just want to say that most times, SN kids will make improvements. Maybe, it will take them a really long time to get where “normal” kids are but when they do get there it so much sweeter. Please don’t think that having a SN kid is a death sentence for him/her. (And I am sure you don’t!!!!) I just want to say that even if things look dark right now, things will get better. I am just so happy that my parents never gave up on me and forced me to do things.

Sorry I am a regular here on the board but I signing in as a guest.

[pittpurple]

I am so sorry you're having a hard time and sending you a hug. I have a slightly different perspective - my younger brother has high functioning Aspberger's and ADHD. I know it was really hard for my parents (particularly since he wasn't diagnosed for years) and my mom didn't work full time while we were little since she was really busy with my brother. It's a hard, hard job to take care of a special needs child and I would never judge any decisions you make.

While he had a hard time growing up, he has an amazing life now - just got his master's degree and got married and has his dream job in Florida. So there are a lot of happy endings here. I was naturally a self-sufficient kid and ended up being super protective over my brother and we're really close now. I'm sure my mom had some really tough days but we did all end up in a good place now.

[ninjajeditofu]

The last two posters, Secret Identify Number 2 and Pittpurple have completely changed my views on this. I don't even have a SN child but I feel fucking empowered after reading their responses.

OP - hang in there, you and your child will pull through this with shining colours. You've got a great system behind you and very informed and assertive friends to help you navigate it to get the best possible help. You sound like a fantastic mother and you kiddo is blessed to have you in their corner.

I'd have another child, if that was in our plans. Like pp said, it's not a death sentence. It's an obstacle and a challenge, yes, but things can turn out wonderfully as well.

[secretidentity]

Thanks for sharing Ladies. It gives me something to think about.

[pseudoagain]

Yes, I would. In fact we just met some old family friends that flew in from the UK last week. Their oldest daughter is now 50 and has severe disabilities. She cannot walk or talk, but she communicates in her own way and is wonderful. They went on to have 3 more kids, adopted 2 more, and have fostered thousands of children in their life together. They have so much love it's just overwhelming, they are truly inspirational. They are in their seventies now, and just last month they were fostering a 2 month old baby. Amazing.