I tried to talk to H last night

[starrieskies]

about what DS said on the way to daycare. His response, while less than satisfactory, was pretty much what I expected.

He said that he doesn't care if DS thinks he's mean because DS is going to learn that his word is law and that he needs to follow it. I tried to point out that yelling at DS for throwing a fit is reinforcing the behavior and teaching him that if he yells he'll get what he wants because it works for his dad, and that children learn how to behave by watching how their parents behave. He told me that I needed to quit playing psychologist because it's not me and I need to stop acting like I know everything.

He also told me (while staring at the television, I might add :@ ) that he is tired of being told all the time that he is wrong and can't do anything right. Then he went to bed and fell asleep.

UGH! It felt like I was trying to talk to a 3 year old about raising a 3 year old.

[Deleted]

It sounds to me that getting angry is an appropriate response to that situation.

[dixienormous]

Hi, Pot. I'm Kettle. We're both black but I'm going to comment anyway.

You alluded to you and your husband having far deeper issues than just how you're raising your child. That is going to make this even harder because he's taking everything else and focusing it on this issue. Clouds everything. I speak from experience that I'm currently dealing with.

Unfortunately, if he wants any sort of relationship with his son later in life, he needs to set the foundation now and not go the intimidation route. He doesn't want you acting like a know it all? Ask your day care director for some hand outs on talking to toddlers and what is effective. Just tell him that the papers were in DS's stuff for take home. It's not coming from you, after all. It might help him open his eyes. It might not. But coming from a child development expert might be a step in the right direction.

I'm sorry you're dealing with all of this.

[starrieskies]

Well according to H, I'm shouldn't get angry because it only makes him more angry. Since when did it become my responsibility to control HIS feelings??? UGH!

Sorry, I'm really just venting here. I'm frustrated and have very few people IRL that I can talk to about this, so I'm kind of word vomiting.

On my list of things to do today is look into parenting classes at the local community college. Maybe it will be good for both of us.

[aliceinfairyland]

It sounds like a good idea to get the F out of there.

I'm sorry, but unless he is really willing to learn that no one is in charge of his feelings but himself, I can't imagine living with him.

[Deleted]

You have every right to feel however you feel. He has no right to tell you how you SHOULD feel.

[ECB]

Nov 9, 2012 12:02:45 GMT -5 starrieskies said:

On my list of things to do today is look into parenting classes at the local community college. Maybe it will be good for both of us.

I said this in your other post and I'll say it here - knowing that his dad was like this and his mother threatened to leave but never did - I can guarentee you that your DH doesn't really HEAR you.

What's going to a parenting class going to do right now when he thinks he knows it all? If he goes, it will only be to appease you and I doubt he'll take much in.

I really have to wonder what would happen if you seperated from him. Not necessarily to lead to divorce, but to get it through his head that the situation as it exists now it not ok and you are not his mother.

It could end up being the first step to divorce, OR it could be the real wake up call he needs. His mom threatened to leave - she never did. You've brought up divorce - but you're still there.

Change things up. SHOW him how serious this is to you.

Honestly, hearing what your DH said last night, my heart breaks a little for your son.

[Deleted]

He is not willing to go to counseling and doesn't think he's done anything wrong. What makes you think he's going to want to go to a parenting class with you? Furthermore, parenting is just treating the symptoms, not the problem. The problem is his anger and that's still going to be there unless he gets himself help because he recognizes it.

[Deleted]

Fuck this asshole.

Deuces.

[cuddlyevil]

Nov 9, 2012 12:10:47 GMT -5 @feinicstine said:

He is not willing to go to counseling and doesn't think he's done anything wrong. What makes you think he's going to want to go to a parenting class with you? Furthermore, parenting is just treating the symptoms, not the problem. The problem is his anger and that's still going to be there unless he gets himself help because he recognizes it.

This. 100%

Make sure you keep that appointment with the attorney next week, I think he's doing a very good job of telling you which path to take.

[imoan]

Wow... he sounds like a real dick. No counseling or parenting classes will fix someone like that.

[motzie]

I'm with EBC. Peace out motherfucker. I'd let him know that yeah, I might not know everything, but I know that this shit stops now.

As imoan said in your other post, this is going to escalate if he doesn't get control of his anger issues. You can't stay in this situation as it is now.

[Muddled]

I would love to know how he reacts to a separation. Does he get pissed and trhow a tantrum or is it a wake-up call? His reaction could be telling. A forecast of things to come.

[ECB]

I also think it speaks volumes that he thinks HIS word is the "law". Not yours, not yours and his together. HIS. You aren't a team in this. At all.

[geekgirl]

Nov 9, 2012 12:16:05 GMT -5 cuddlyevil said:

Nov 9, 2012 12:10:47 GMT -5 @feinicstine said:

He is not willing to go to counseling and doesn't think he's done anything wrong. What makes you think he's going to want to go to a parenting class with you? Furthermore, parenting is just treating the symptoms, not the problem. The problem is his anger and that's still going to be there unless he gets himself help because he recognizes it.

This. 100%

Make sure you keep that appointment with the attorney next week, I think he's doing a very good job of telling you which path to take.

Bingo. He's telling you loud and clear that he will not change. It sounds like its a matter of (rather stupid) principle at this point and no matter how much you try to work with him, he's just going to refuse because he can.

And you are sooo right on how kids learn their behaviors - straight from their parents. And if he doesn't believe you, he can look right at his father.

[Muddled]

Nov 9, 2012 12:22:35 GMT -5 ECB said:

I also think it speaks volumes that he thinks HIS word is the "law". Not yours, not yours and his together. HIS. You aren't a team in this. At all.

Word.

[imoan]

Nov 9, 2012 12:22:35 GMT -5 ECB said:

I also think it speaks volumes that he thinks HIS word is the "law". Not yours, not yours and his together. HIS. You aren't a team in this. At all.

I actually guffawed at that. "My word is law". I can't even IMAGINE how hard I would laugh if H said that to me. Fucking neanderthal.

[starrieskies]

I don't think that he'll want to go to a parenting class with me, honestly. I thought it would be a way to show him that I'm not letting this go, but that I don't believe that I am "all knowing" either.

I feel like I'm grasping at straws and I'm having trouble coming to grips with the reality that the life I thought we would have was nothing but a fantasy based on lies and my own delusion.

[Deleted]

Nov 9, 2012 12:22:35 GMT -5 ECB said:

I also think it speaks volumes that he thinks HIS word is the "law". Not yours, not yours and his together. HIS. You aren't a team in this. At all.

Yep.

[BettyBookWorm]

If it were me I'd do a separation. Your H needs help with his anger management. The way he treats your DS is only going to get worse and your son will observe that acting this way is appropriate. I'm really sorry, but it would really bother me that he doesn't want to go to therapy or parenting classes. This situation sucks and I'm sorry.

Team PTFO-DTMFA.

[margarita]

He's belittling and manipulating you. This must be so fucking maddening and frustrating. I'm sorry.
You are not responsible for his feelings.

I think it's really great that you have the appointment with an attorney, at least to see what's what and just gather the information you need to make a decision. We're here for you.

[Deleted]

Starrie, I know it's hard to hear but ECB is right. The only way you are going to prove to him that you mean business is to leave. It doesn't have to be permanent if he gets it together, but you need to look out for yourself and your son right now and do what is best for you and him. Being in this marriage is not what's best for either of you.

Do you have somewhere where you can go and feel safe? Are you about worried how he will react if you try leave?

[starrieskies]

And yes, the appointment with the lawyer stands.

[ECB]

Nov 9, 2012 12:23:38 GMT -5 imoan said:

Nov 9, 2012 12:22:35 GMT -5 ECB said:

I also think it speaks volumes that he thinks HIS word is the "law". Not yours, not yours and his together. HIS. You aren't a team in this. At all.

I actually guffawed at that. "My word is law". I can't even IMAGINE how hard I would laugh if H said that to me. Fucking neanderthal.

Word. I gave a incredulous side-eye to that statement myself.

[starrieskies]

Yes, I see a separation in our future. Right now, I'm not sure where I would go, so I'll need to figure that out. Honestly I wish I could make him leave. He has more options for places to go than I do. Sadly I don't see that happening.

[imoan]

Nov 9, 2012 12:38:44 GMT -5 starrieskies said:

Yes, I see a separation in our future. Right now, I'm not sure where I would go, so I'll need to figure that out. Honestly I wish I could make him leave. He has more options for places to go than I do. Sadly I don't see that happening.

Well, his word IS law. I can't imagine successfully getting someone so far up their own ass out of their house.

[ECB]

Nov 9, 2012 12:38:44 GMT -5 starrieskies said:

Yes, I see a separation in our future. Right now, I'm not sure where I would go, so I'll need to figure that out. Honestly I wish I could make him leave. He has more options for places to go than I do. Sadly I don't see that happening.

Clearly talk to your attorney about this, but kicking him out isn't THAT hard - change the locks, pack him a bag and stick it on the front porch.

I don't mean to simplify what you're going through. I feel for you and I wish you didn't have to deal with this. I'm glad you're looking into all your options, and seriously- talk to your attorney about the options in getting your DHto leave.

[Muddled]

Ask the lawyer about your options regarding separation. I think you should get your hands on all the paperwork you need before a separation (especially if you end up leaving the house). Who knows what he will do if you make good on a threat. I am guessing you have a prediction?

We can help you brainstorm if you want, as well.

[aliceinfairyland]

Talk to your lawyer next week, then next weekend, pack the bags and set them outside the door.

[starrieskies]

I'm definitely going to talk to the lawyer about it before I make that type of a decision. Like I said yesterday, I don't want to jump ship and then think about my life jacket. But separating (either temporarily or permanently) looks like it's becoming inevitable if I want anything to change.