Post by starrieskies on Nov 9, 2012 13:28:33 GMT -5
Thanks you guys for your help and for letting me vent. This has been (and I'm sure will continue to be) really hard, and I'm trying to do the best I can and keep it all together. I've been feeling pretty alone these last couple of weeks. Its nice to know that you're here, it makes me feel a little stronger.
I'm late and very disappointed but not at all surprised at this update. I am so sorry you are having to face this, starries. I want you to know that we truly are here to help and support you because many of the people here have faced difficult circumstances like this and not lived to regret it one bit.
Well according to H, I'm shouldn't get angry because it only makes him more angry.
This is abusive behavior.
This is abusive behavior.
THIS IS ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR!
Don't think twice about the need to separate yourself from this situation, even if your hope is to eventually heal it. Even if you want to save it your marriage cannot heal under the same roof with an abuser who is actively being abusive.
I'm late and very disappointed but not at all surprised at this update. I am so sorry you are having to face this, starries. I want you to know that we truly are here to help and support you because many of the people here have faced difficult circumstances like this and not lived to regret it one bit.
Well according to H, I'm shouldn't get angry because it only makes him more angry.
This is abusive behavior.
This is abusive behavior.
THIS IS ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR!
Don't think twice about the need to separate yourself from this situation, even if your hope is to eventually heal it. Even if you want to save it your marriage cannot heal under the same roof with an abuser who is actively being abusive.
I'm late and very disappointed but not at all surprised at this update. I am so sorry you are having to face this, starries. I want you to know that we truly are here to help and support you because many of the people here have faced difficult circumstances like this and not lived to regret it one bit.
Well according to H, I'm shouldn't get angry because it only makes him more angry.
This is abusive behavior.
This is abusive behavior.
THIS IS ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR!
Don't think twice about the need to separate yourself from this situation, even if your hope is to eventually heal it. Even if you want to save it your marriage cannot heal under the same roof with an abuser who is actively being abusive.
Post by statlerwaldorf on Nov 9, 2012 15:26:11 GMT -5
Here is the thing and this is what I was talking about in the last post. Abusive people (and again emotional abuse absolutely counts) do not do well with therapy. No one can help someone who turns everything around on everyone else. No amount of therapy, parenting classes, etc. can change someone who cannot take any responsibility.
The what I say is law I don't care if my child thinks I'm mean because I'm the parent is pretty standard things people say (or maybe my redneck is showing..) I even agree with it to a point because sometimes you have to be a parent and your child won't like you for it. However, this is not an excuse for abusive behavior. You child is going to grow up thinking these tantrums of your DH is normal. Eventually he will ignore all of the yelling and I am concerned that this could turn into physical abuse. But without your DH wanting to change his parenting or at the very least admitting what he is doing is wrong, I really don't think there is any hope.
Unfortunately, in this situation you can't simply make him see that his anger is a problem. He has spent so much time rationalizing his behavior and convincing himself that you're the one who has a problem that he's dug himself a defensive trench.
I think taking action--i.e. separating--is probably your only chance of convincing him that he needs help.
Starrie, feel free to tell me to fuck off if it's not something you want to talk about, but how far away is your family, and how likely are they to be supportive of you at least emotionally at this time? Do they have a relationship with DS?
It just saddens me to know how alone you are feeling right now, even with the support of people here. Is there anyone you feel you can reach out to? A nearby friend? An old friend who lives far away? Your therapist? You've got strength I can tell but everyone deserves IRL love and support too.
Post by starrieskies on Nov 9, 2012 17:19:24 GMT -5
Thanks fuss, I appreciate it.
Most of my family is out of state. My mom's here, and one of my brothers, but I don't anticipate much support from them, aside from a shoulder to cry on. My sister is quick to offer emotional support, but she's a couple of states away and she's pretty hard to get on the phone. I've gotten pretty accustomed to handling things on my own.
I have friends, but we live in a small community, and most of my friends are SO's of H's friends. So, I am very cautious about who I share things of this nature with, I wouldn't want to put any of my friends in a situation where they would have to keep a secret from their SO, and I don't want their SO's to tell H what I'm saying... I mentioned it in the weekend plans post, but I do have time set aside to take DS to my bff's for a play date with her son. I'll probably spill my guts to her. I haven't really told anyone aside from you guys that this is going on...
I know it's been said before but...be very careful w/ couples counseling to a dude w/ abusive tendencies. I know it's been linked before, but, throwing this on here: eqi.org/couples_counseling_abuse.htm
I would also have an emergency escape suitcase; pack an outfit for you and DS, pjs, copies of documents you might need, a credit card, some cash and whatever else you might need in case you have to leave in a hurry. Also, don't threaten a separation unless you are prepared to go. He has lived his whole life thinking women will stay regardless of how they are treated.
I am astounded at the amount of responses that included...maybe if you seperate it will be a wake up call for him. That is complete bullshit. He doesn't need anything to scare him into a wake up call. He is a fucking douche and he doesn't give a flying fuck if she leaves or not. She doesn't need a seperation she needs to leave...period.
Someone said he is manipulating her.....well that is only because she continues to allow him to do so.
When you start the separation process, you need to go into it knowing that it will most likely not result in a "wake up call" for him. An angry, defensive man isn't going to jump out of bed in the morning with a newfound sense of self-awareness. He will most likely double down and treat the separation as a validation of his angry, defensive feelings. If he even agreed to counseling, the odds of him participating in good faith are low. He doesn't want to figure out his own shit.
You need to be prepared that when you leave, he will likely threaten/file divorce because he's angry. Please do not catch yourself flat-footed (based on what you've written, I don't think you will). I'd recommend that you put him out of the house rather than uproot you and your son. A lawyer will help with this.
I'm really sorry you're going through this. It's not fun, nor is it easy, but it is necessary. Maybe he'll prove me wrong, but it's better to plan for the worst and hope for the best in this situation.
I am astounded at the amount of responses that included...maybe if you seperate it will be a wake up call for him. That is complete bullshit. He doesn't need anything to scare him into a wake up call. He is a fucking douche and he doesn't give a flying fuck if she leaves or not. She doesn't need a seperation she needs to leave...period.
Someone said he is manipulating her.....well that is only because she continues to allow him to do so.
Yeah, if I have to tell you not to be an abusive dickhole to me and my kids, there is no redemption. GTFO!
There are plenty of men on this planet who know to the fiber of their being what it takes to raise a well adjusted child, how to treat your wife with common decency. Find one of those.
There are plenty of men on this planet who know to the fiber of their being what it takes to raise a well adjusted child, how to treat your wife with common decency. Find one of those.
Honestly, finding another man is pretty low on my radar. If/when we divorce, I anticipate being single for a very long time.
Also, I need more coffee, I updated in the other thread instead of this one.
I am astounded at the amount of responses that included...maybe if you seperate it will be a wake up call for him. That is complete bullshit. He doesn't need anything to scare him into a wake up call. He is a fucking douche and he doesn't give a flying fuck if she leaves or not. She doesn't need a seperation she needs to leave...period.
Someone said he is manipulating her.....well that is only because she continues to allow him to do so.
You are right, Mags, but it is a process. One step at a time. I think that first step is easier to take if you look at it as an opportunity for change and not finality. Then you take the next step based on the results of the first and you keep moving forward.
Starrie, keep us updated. When is your lawyer meeting?