I have TIP (probably long and messy)

[carmen29]

Hi there. I am mostly a lurker. I made a forgettable intro in the intro post, but haven't posted since then.

Anyway, I am having some TIP with my H and I don't have anybody to talk to about it. My friends have big mouths or their husbands are friends with H, my SILs would tell each other and MIL and my mother would hold a grudge into the afterlife.

H and I have been together for five years, married for two. We have a 10 month old daughter. Our realationship had always been great, we have never fought. Disagreement sure, but never fights.

I have been struggling since DD was born with PPD and extremely low self esteem. Lately H has been acting distant, he was spending more time away from home and our sex life is practically non-existant. I was getting paranoid that something was going on. I started to look through his fb, hotmail, and text messages. I know that it was wrong of me to do this.

I found fb messages between him and a woman that he used to work with. It was obvious from the messages that he had been spending time with her. He would normally tell me everything, but he didn't ever say that he saw her. He also commented on pictures of her on fb and how good looking she is.

Last weekend he was going out of town on Friday for the weekend to work. I looked at his text messages while he was in the shower. He planned on meeting up with her to get high. So instead of spending time with his wife and kid before leaving for the weekend he leaves to go smoke a joint with this woman. I asked him what was going on with this woman and if he was hanging out with her. He said that he talked to her on fb and texts, but said I was being paranoid and nothing was going on. I stewed over this all weekend.

I tried to talk to him on Sunday night and I asked if he was spending time with this woman. He got mad, said he wasn't doing anything wrong and shut down. I knew he was lying to me. I ended up leaving and going for a drive. He texted me saying "I don't know what I'm supposed to tell you". I asked him who he texted on Friday before he left town. He wrote back and admitted that it was her. I asked if there was any other times that he had spent with her and he said that there was once when he went to give her moose meat (yes, we are country).

I went home, we fought, he apologized. I was still thinking about this all week. I still checked his fb, email, and text messages. He texts her every day, multiple times a day. I saw tonight that he messaged her when he got back from out of town at one a.m. so now I think that he saw her before he came home.

This weekend he is supposedly out of town at a camp that he goes to on this weekend every year. He texted her earlier in the day. She fb messaged him today saying that she was going to be in town and to text later, around 8:30 or 9 . I lost it. I called his cell, he didn't answer. I left a message asking him what he was doing around 8:30 or 9. Then I went crazy wife and texted her number asking what she was doing with my husband later. She didn't text back, but I did have a missed called that was unknown so that might have been her. He called me back and I told him that I read the message and asked him what was going on. He said that he was still at the camp.

I don't know what to do or to believe. I used to trust him completely and now, not so much.

If you made it to the end of this, thank you. I don't know what I am expecting from posting this. I had to get it out I guess. If anybody has any advice I would appreciate it. If you just want to tell me that I am crazy or my H is a douche that would be fine too.

[maucat]

What is your gut telling you right now?

I know it's easier said than done, but this is pack his shit and have it waiting on the porch for him, with changed locks, territory, IMO. I doubt he's just meeting up with her to get high. Do you really want to be with a man who hides this much from you and thinks there's nothing wrong with his behavior? You're already feeling like you have to check everything. Why put yourself through that for the rest of your life?

[fussbucket]

well you bypassed an opportunity to talk to him about how he was feeling in your relationship to go all BSC on this woman.

I don't think you were necessarily wrong to snoop in the first place since your gut was obviously telling you something, but it sounds like you and your H have like zero communication in or about your marriage.

Whether he's gotten his dick wet here is immaterial. Either way, he's being unfaithful to his family in how he's carrying on with this woman behind your backs (yes I'm counting your kid too, whom he should be parenting instead of getting his secret jollies on).

I see little hope here, but my question to you is, what hope do YOU see here? I mean, what do you want us to tell you about a guy who doesn't seem that into you or his family life?

[imoan]

My biggest issue is that after you were very obviously bothered by their interactions, he just kept right on communicating with her (sounds like it was even more). I agree... He's not just getting high with her. And don't beat yourself up for snooping. Sounds like you had every reason to.

[livinitup]

I'm so sorry that you are facing this.

I think you have to have a heart ot heart that your relationship has gone off the rails, and with a small child and a good history, you both have to get it back on track. You have very low self esteme, so it's going to be hard to not make this about "the other chick" because it doesn't really matter if he spent an afternoon with her, got high with her or called her a lot - it matters that YOU TWO get your marriage back on track, and she gets OUT of the picture. If there was sex and/or an affair, you do need to get to the truth of it, but its still about YOU TWO, not her.

I wish I could be more helpful. But I'm seeing something that can and should be resolved. Maybe this has been an issue all along, but so much of your post jumps out as a shock - so I have to hope that it can be addressed and with some hard honesty - solved.

[awick14]

I'm sorry your going through this.

You have to ask yourself how you feel about this.

Do you want to make this work? If so counselling ASAP.

If not, counseling anyways. It will help you with your Feelings anyways.

[Deleted]

Oh for fuck's sake. Dude is fucking around. I mean how often do you have to catch shady messages before you believe your damned eyes?

Consult a lawyer. Get tested for STD's. Move on. Stab him in the dick.

[imoan]

Livinitup is obviously high on the crack. Just because they have a child doesn't mean that adultery can or should be worked through.

[Deleted]

Nov 10, 2012 22:11:25 GMT -5 livinitup said:

I'm so sorry that you are facing this.

I think you have to have a heart ot heart that your relationship has gone off the rails, and with a small child and a good history, you both have to get it back on track. You have very low self esteme, so it's going to be hard to not make this about "the other chick" because it doesn't really matter if he spent an afternoon with her, got high with her or called her a lot - it matters that YOU TWO get your marriage back on track, and she gets OUT of the picture. If there was sex and/or an affair, you do need to get to the truth of it, but its still about YOU TWO, not her.

I wish I could be more helpful. But I'm seeing something that can and should be resolved. Maybe this has been an issue all along, but so much of your post jumps out as a shock - so I have to hope that it can be addressed and with some hard honesty - solved.

bwahahahaha fuck no

I have a kid. Therefore it is in my best interest not to be married to a gross pig who is eventually going to bring the herp down on us all.

[kmw325i]

My advice: shitcan the douchelord H. That alone could do wonders for your self-esteem.

[carmen29]

Jessimau - My gut is telling me that he is a lying pos.

Fuss - I know I went BSC and texting her was stupid. We have talked a few times and he just says that I have nothing to worry about. We both know that he has been a shitty husband and father.

Imoan - Yeah, you would think that since he knew how much it bothered me he might knock it the fuck off, but he hasn't.

As far as fucking around, if he has I am done. I know that I am being totally naive by believing what he has told me. I guess I just want to really know what is going on before making any long term decisions.

[Deleted]

YOU ALREADY KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON!!!

Holy shit, lady. Holy shit. Do you really need to see him balls deep in some chick before you accept that something in the milk ain't clean?

[maucat]

Carmen, you may never get the answers you want.

Do you want to live the rest of your life doubting what he says and double-checking his stories?

[BettyBookWorm]

I second the motion to throw his shit out on the lawn, change the locks and stab him in the dick. What an unbelievable asshole. He didn't even try to hide it or deny it. He just,"doesn't know what to tell you?". Well I would tell him to GTFO and hope you can get some generous spousal/child support from his lying ass. DTMFA.

IMHO, you've already seen and heard enough. Also, whoTF sneaks off to get high (I doubt that was all btw) when they've got a family to attend to? Shady and messed up. Vomit. Kick his sorry butt to the dirt pronto.

[Deleted]

Omg thank god HindS is sane....everything she said!

It so sad to see women who don't see what is right in front of them.

[gault]

If you REALLY want more drama, contact this woman again and get some sort of story from her.

But for real, the guy is scum. Don't waste your life with someone like that. You have 99% of the evidence right in front of you. Please contact a lawyer and GET TESTED for STD's. Yesterday.

[statlerwaldorf]

Even if you don't necessarily have the proof you are searching for, you already know.

[ECB]

Do you really think he is going to out and out tell you what he's doing? You don't need proof to know. And Cripes, even if he hasn't actually fucked her, he is STILL CHEATING on you. Cheating is more than sex.

[PinkSquirrel]

You know he's meeting another woman behind your back. He's also a big enough douche bag to continue to blatantly do it even after you said something. He's cheating on you. Pack his shit and toss it on the lawn.

[partiallysunny]

Your gut is telling you he is a lying POS. Listen to that.

[Muddled]

IF he has?

His defensiveness tells you everything you need to know.

Leave that woman alone. She is not the one betraying you. This is between you and your H.

[sprky79]

Do you really need to walk in on them mid-fuck to get the idea of what is going on here?

Get your ducks in a row so you can leave.