Am I being a grinch? Gift spending on each family

[steph96]

I don't know how to handle joint gift giving with FI and our families. Since this is going to be our first year doing it, I feel like it is going to set the precedent on what people expect us to spend on them.

For my family, I only have to give a gift to my mom, brother, and SIL. I will probably end up finding a cheaper gift for 3-5 of my coworkers. FI wants to spend $250 for a spa day for my mom. He then wants to spend $250-350 on tickets that my brother and SIL would like (plus a small gift). I have never spent more than $150 on my mom and $75 each for brother and SIL (this is my first time having a real job, so I'm not sure if I need to bump it up? Brother spends $75ish on me too and then $25-50 on FI).

Now the tricky part....his family. He wants to buy a gift for each of his 20 family members. He wants to spend approx $500 on a new oven for his mom (hers has been broken 2 years and they can't afford a new one). He wants to spend $250 on his brother and SIL. $100+ on nephew. Then $250-350 to get his cousin and wife the same tickets as my brother. Then he wants to spend $20-50 on everyone else in his family. Last year he couldn't afford to get any of them gifts, so I understand why he's wanting to go all out this year. His family does secret Santa to try to cut back on the $$ spent, but a lot of the people still buy cheap gifts for everyone.

How is this supposed to work? I don't feel comfortable spending that much on gifts. Heis basically wanting to spend the equivalent of what i bring home each month. It obviously wouldn't be fair to do the same dollar amount for each side. I'm at a loss on how to figure out how much to spend on everyone without feeling like a grinch.

[thinkofthesoldiers]

Does his family generally do such extravagant gifts? It doesn't sound like it. Assuming they don't, he sounds like he is trying to show off that he is doing well. Tell him to cut it back and limit the spending. That is crazy.

[formerlyak]

My ex and I had much different sized families. It was frustrating, so one year we discussed and and talked with everyone on his side about it being about the thought and making it personal so we all decided to go with small gifts only -- they had to fit in a stocking. Everyone loved the idea and got very creative. It was really fun and I think we spent max $20 per person on it.

[cjeanette]

If there are others all going in on the oven it is one thing, but that it a lot of money.

I don't have siblings but in with H's family we draw names and have a $50 limit. So H and I spend $100. They buy for our kids but his siblings are spending mayybee $100 for both.

[steph96]

Nov 12, 2012 19:41:51 GMT -5 thinkofthesoldiers said:

Does his family generally do such extravagant gifts? It doesn't sound like it. Assuming they don't, he sounds like he is trying to show off that he is doing well. Tell him to cut it back and limit the spending. That is crazy.

The most expensive gift is $25. I would venture to say that most of them spend less than $15. His mom gives out free items.

[cjeanette]

Nov 12, 2012 19:44:54 GMT -5 steph96 said:

Nov 12, 2012 19:41:51 GMT -5 thinkofthesoldiers said:

Does his family generally do such extravagant gifts? It doesn't sound like it. Assuming they don't, he sounds like he is trying to show off that he is doing well. Tell him to cut it back and limit the spending. That is crazy.

The most expensive gift is $25. I would venture to say that most of them spend less than $15. His mom gives out free items.

Then keep at that limit. Maybe a little more if something jumps out at you.

[chessie]

We stopped any nonsense dead in the tracks a few years ago, was getting way out of control with lots of siblings, cousins, etc. We limit to only parents, personalized stuff for grandparents and only nieces/nephews. We only spend around 150 a year. DH and I dont do gifts either since we pretty much get what we want most of the time anyway. Took a while to get this running with the family, some people were against it and are still doing their own gift exchange amongst themselves, but we had to break away even though it was pretty unpopular. We figured kids alone needed to be covered since thats what the holiday is about really. For us, we pretty much could care less, call us grinch like I guess.

[Deleted]

you are planning on getting married and have already semi-combined finances, no?

if you don't feel comfortable spending between $250-500 for close family members, then it shouldn't happen. that's a huge chunk of change for one partner to unilaterally decide to spend.

[steph96]

Nov 12, 2012 19:44:39 GMT -5 cjeanette said:

If there are others all going in on the oven it is one thing, but that it a lot of money.

I am trying to talk him out of the oven since it would only be us paying. She has been using her stove and a crockpot just fine. We purchased a washer and dryer for them (they were supposed to pay us back within 6 months...it only took 18 months...) and all they could do was complain about how we didn't get them the pedestals. If they aren't going to grateful, I can't see putting ourselves in a tight spot.

[cjeanette]

Nov 12, 2012 19:49:14 GMT -5 steph96 said:

Nov 12, 2012 19:44:39 GMT -5 cjeanette said:

If there are others all going in on the oven it is one thing, but that it a lot of money.

I am trying to talk him out of the oven since it would only be us paying. She has been using her stove and a crockpot just fine. We purchased a washer and dryer for them (they were supposed to pay us back within 6 months...it only took 18 months...) and all they could do was complain about how we didn't get them the pedestals. If they aren't going to grateful, I can't see putting ourselves in a tight spot.

Yeah, no oven. Maybe a giftcard for a store where an oven can be purchased?

[Deleted]

Get his mom the oven and take it way down a notch for everyone else.

Extravagant gifts when no one else can afford much makes people uncomfortable.

[limey]

Based on your last update, it might be time to have a talk with your FI about money and both of your expectations.

[cahabalily]

Wait...aren't you the poster whose FI has an 800 truck payment but doesn't drive the truck? And money is all tight and blah blah blah?

If not, forgive me, but if so...where is all this money for presents coming from?

[steph96]

Nov 12, 2012 19:51:41 GMT -5 limey said:

Based on your last update, it might be time to have a talk with your FI about money and both of your expectations.

I know we do. I just don't know where to even start on this topic. What is fair? Even if we only spend $25 on everyone, that is still $500. Is it fair that I'm spending way more on my family members? The cash my mom gives in addition to my gifts will more than cover what I spent on my side's gifts.

His issue is that whole poor-to-rich syndrome. Not that we are rich.....lol. I have talked to him about it and he is getting better. I guess he thinks that Christmas spirt entails spending tons of money.....

[heyrebekah]

This sounds crazy. I would say okay to the new oven for his mom as a one time thing because it is needed. I dont think you need to spend as much on your mom. If he pushes it tell him that his mom is getting the big gift this year and maybe in the future there will br somethng similar you can do for your mom, but she doesn't need anything like that this year. IMO maybe up to $75 for siblings is reasonable, and a $30 so limit for everyone else. If his family generally only does cheaper gifts he is going to come across like he is bragging or condescending to them. Maybe try approaching it with him from that angle. it will just make everyone uncomfortable.

[cjeanette]

Nov 12, 2012 20:01:27 GMT -5 steph96 said:

Nov 12, 2012 19:51:41 GMT -5 limey said:

Based on your last update, it might be time to have a talk with your FI about money and both of your expectations.

I know we do. I just don't know where to even start on this topic. What is fair? Even if we only spend $25 on everyone, that is still $500. Is it fair that I'm spending way more on my family members? The cash my mom gives in addition to my gifts will more than cover what I spent on my side's gifts.

His issue is that whole poor-to-rich syndrome. Not that we are rich.....lol. I have talked to him about it and he is getting better. I guess he thinks that Christmas spirt entails spending tons of money.....

I don't think you have to spend the same on each side. Growing up we never did and I don't really now.

If the $500 seems like a big chunk than I really would consider drawing names.

[AAM2012]

Nov 12, 2012 19:49:09 GMT -5 tacom said:

you are planning on getting married and have already semi-combined finances, no?

if you don't feel comfortable spending between $250-500 for close family members, then it shouldn't happen. that's a huge chunk of change for one partner to unilaterally decide to spend.

Agreed.

The first 2 years we were married we sat down and wrote out all the gifts we had to get and set a budget/dollar amount together. The last two years we've done the same thing except for DH's family has decided to pick names (except for our neice and nephew) and then the group sets a dollar amount ($75/person).

I love drawing names and I wish my side of the family would do the same because it really helps people stay within budget during the holidays and not feel any pressure to spend money they don't have to keep up with the others. It also makes you really think about what to get that person since you have a limited dollar amount.

[Deleted]

we don't spend the same amount for each side.

my family is poor and cannot afford expensive gifts for us. SO's family lives more comfortably and gives freely. we don't spend as much on my parents, because I don't want to make them feel uncomfortable. we do keep things even amongst our siblings, but they're mostly all kids and wouldn't be expected to get us presents anyways.

[Deleted]

Nov 12, 2012 20:10:19 GMT -5 AAM2012 said:

Nov 12, 2012 19:49:09 GMT -5 tacom said:

you are planning on getting married and have already semi-combined finances, no?

if you don't feel comfortable spending between $250-500 for close family members, then it shouldn't happen. that's a huge chunk of change for one partner to unilaterally decide to spend.

Agreed.

The first 2 years we were married we sat down and wrote out all the gifts we had to get and set a budget/dollar amount together.

yep. it's so important to have both people on board.

OP, google docs is great for this. we have a shared spreadsheet with a column for the recipient's name, budgeted amount, and gift ideas. best part? you can revisit the same document next year.

ETA: it might also scare him to see the total dollar amount of $500 here, $250 there, etc. so two birds with one stone? lol

[thatgirl]

How much money do you have set aside for gifts?
Start there and from there decide as a couple how to divide out the funds.
I would spend the Lion's share on parents as for the rest of the family....

[steph96]

Nov 12, 2012 20:12:46 GMT -5 suzubell said:

We exchange names for just this reason. Maybe it's time to consider that?

They do, but a lot of the people still go out and buy gifts for everyone. I don't see the point in doing it if nobody is going to stick to it.

[steph96]

We haven't budgeted anything for gifts. It is one of those things that slipped past us. I don't even know how much to budget for it.

Tacom, maybe if I added it all up for him, he would realize exactly how crazy it is.

[Deleted]

Nov 12, 2012 20:23:40 GMT -5 steph96 said:

Tacom, maybe if I added it all up for him, he would realize exactly how crazy it is.

It's worth a shot! also try to make the $ amount tangible for him - "this is groceries for four months!"

if you really want to scare him, you can total what you'd spend if you did this for the next 5 years.

[SJ]

Does your FI have all this money?

My answer greatly depends on your/his financial situation.

I do think you need to be mindful of the precedence you are setting and I also think giving gifts that are wildly out of price range with what you receive makes people uncomfortable.

[pamela]

Nov 12, 2012 19:49:14 GMT -5 steph96 said:

Nov 12, 2012 19:44:39 GMT -5 cjeanette said:

If there are others all going in on the oven it is one thing, but that it a lot of money.

I am trying to talk him out of the oven since it would only be us paying. She has been using her stove and a crockpot just fine. We purchased a washer and dryer for them (they were supposed to pay us back within 6 months...it only took 18 months...) and all they could do was complain about how we didn't get them the pedestals. If they aren't going to grateful, I can't see putting ourselves in a tight spot.

I was going to say if you could afford it, do the oven, until I saw this post. NM. We'd buy my ILs an oven if needed, but they'd be grateful for it.

I think a discussion on what is reasonable is in order for your husband. I don't think what you spend this year has to set a precedent (we're totally up and down with what we spend), but it does need to be something per person and total you're both comfortable with. Obviously with his family being bigger you're going to spend more total on his family. I'd figure out how much total you can afford to spend on gifts for everyone put together. Then work together to divy that out based on how close you are to the recipient, what they'd be comfortable with and what you have in mind to give them.

[EmilieMadison]

So, can you AFFORD to spend $2K+ on gifts for everyone? If you can, and want to, then do it. There's no "gift precedent", or shouldn't be Gifts should never be expected, the value should not be expected. You spend what you choose.

IMO, I would not do this, however. I would spend what you typically spend and CAN AFFORD for your family. Then go along with the Secret Santa drawing on his side and that's that.

I would encourage you, however, to get together with those 20 other family members of his and have them all chip in for a new stove for his mom.

A $400 stove split 15 ways is only about $25 each.

[EmilieMadison]

Wait, wait, wait.
Didnt you just buy a house with your FI even though it wasn't really a great financial move because you're pretty stretched for money as it is?

DO NOT BUY ALL THESE GIFTS!! For god's sake, girl, bake some cookies, put them in cute boxes, and call it a day.
You can't afford your own stuff, let alone over $2,000 for other people's christmas gifts. Get your spending in check, pay off your debts, build a healthy savings, and then MAYBE consider buying a $100 gift for someone. Maybe.

[midwest07]

Nov 12, 2012 20:23:40 GMT -5 steph96 said:

We haven't budgeted anything for gifts. It is one of those things that slipped past us. I don't even know how much to budget for it.

Tacom, maybe if I added it all up for him, he would realize exactly how crazy it is.

I added it up. From what you said above, you are planning to spend $2000 on the low end up to $2800 on the high end.

You seem to have a fair number of money issues from your other posts, but FWIW, we keep a spreadsheet with our budget like Tacom suggested that we use every year (so we can look back and see what we spent on who the prior year).

We actually decide the total budget at the beginning of the year, divide that by 11, and the money transfers to our ING account each month. Then, withdraw the money in late November, spend according to budget, and we're done. Much less stressful this way.

[purplecow0206]

We do gifts for everyone on both sides, but it's tempered. On DH's side, there are 8 adults and 2 kids to buy for, but we have a $5 (including tax) budget. For my side, we went a bit more for $10 per person, with 6 adults to buy for. It comes out to $120 for my side and $120 for his side (we give ourselves a bit more leeway for the two kids). We also do ornaments for DH's family, which is probably another $50, tops. It's manageable, and we still have something to give to everyone. We tried pulling names with DH's family one year, but it just didn't work well for us. Instead of one big gift for everyone, everyone gets some fun little thing. For under $300, we get both families covered.

[Deleted]

Don't you also have the ridiculous truck payment and are planning a destination wedding? You guys need a reality check stat!