Post by starrieskies on Nov 13, 2012 12:16:12 GMT -5
My consultation appointment with the lawyer is in about 3 hours (I live on the west coast) and I'm really nervous.
I go back and forth between being scared that H will find out and be furious, and rationalizing that this is a necessary step. I kind of feel like once I go, it will solidify this whole mess and make it real instead of just a bad dream that I can't wake up from. I know logically that it's real, and that this appointment is a good thing, knowledge is power and all that shit. I just can't get it through to the rest of my brain.
I know I'm probably not making sense here, but I had to get it off my chest.
GAH! Somebody tell me to put on my big girl panties and that I'll feel better once I go...
Post by fussbucket on Nov 13, 2012 12:18:33 GMT -5
I think it's TOTALLY understandable to be nervous. Just take your list of questions so you can feel confident you won't forget everything, and do your best.
Oh, and if you don't get a good vibe from this attorney after talking to him/her, find someone else you feel more comfortable with. Don't go through a tough situation with anything less than the best support you can find out there.
Of course you are nervous...you know this is the 1st step in hopefully a long line of steps that you will take so that your child doesnt grow up seeing all the shit that goes on in your home.
Post by starrieskies on Nov 13, 2012 12:47:00 GMT -5
Thanks guys. I feel like I'm being a child. But I keep reminding myself that I need to at least see what I'll be up against legally speaking, and it strengthens my resolve a little.
I wish I'd made the appointment for first thing in the morning so I didn't have time to sit and think about it.
You will be okay. Keep telling yourself that this is a POSITIVE thing for yourself and your kid, and there's no pressure other than talking with the guy. If you haven't already (I'm sure you have), make a list of questions for the lawyer, anything and everything that makes you nervous or you're curious about. That might help to take the edge off a little.
Post by starrieskies on Nov 13, 2012 13:26:33 GMT -5
I do have a list, so that's good. I've read over it a couple of times, and I think I've got a pretty good handle on the questions I want to ask.
I'm also scared that someone will call H and say "Guess where I saw starrie!" That's part of the reason why I scheduled the appointment for lunch. The lawyer's office is in a part of town where I go for lunch sometimes.
Post by starrieskies on Nov 13, 2012 13:34:33 GMT -5
He's pretty unpredictable, and I think that's most of the reason I'm so nervous. There have been several times over the last few years when I thought he was going to be pissed and he wasn't, but many times he was. So, I'm not really sure how he'd handle it. If I knew he'd be pissed and it could turn violent, I would know how to prepare for it. I know he'd be upset, but how he'd react. I'm not sure.
Physical violence hasn't been much of an issue with us, but I understand that emotional abuse can lead to physical abuse, so I'm not going to completely rule it out.
You're gonna be fine. I was so nervous at my first consult that I just paced the waiting area. I didn't end up hiring that lawyer (or anyone for a couple of months), but it made me feel better to know that I was the one driving the decision-making process and looking out for myself.
You're gonna be fine. I was so nervous at my first consult that I just paced the waiting area. I didn't end up hiring that lawyer (or anyone for a couple of months), but it made me feel better to know that I was the one driving the decision-making process and looking out for myself.
Thanks, bowies! This makes me feel a little better.
It's understandable and completely normal to be nervous. You'll do fine though. Try to remember that you're not committing to anything. You're just talking with them and getting more information about what your options are. The list was a good idea, and I know it will help. I think you'll feel a lot better once you've gone, but I know the waiting sucks.
Good luck, it takes big ovaries to make this step. Just do what is best for you. You deserve to be happy and not emotionally abused. Nobody deserves that.
Post by starrieskies on Nov 13, 2012 17:22:21 GMT -5
Just got back. It went well, I guess. There was a lot of information crammed in to a one hour appointment!
She gave me a bunch of information to read through "in my spare time", and told me that based on what I had told her of our home life she would have no problem whatsoever getting an order of protection for both myself and DS. I don't know why that surprised me so much, but it was shocking to hear it.
She also told me that oddly enough even though we live in a no fault state, if H contests the divorce and says that our relationship is not "irretrevably broken" then the court would make a determination on it. So, basically if H can manipulate the judge into saying that our marriage is salvagable, the court has the option of not granting the divorce? I've never heard of this! She said that it's EXTREMELY rare but it can happen in some cases. She also said that my case would not be one of those cases.
She was very nice, gave me some great advice, and lots of information. I'm glad that I went, but I think I'm going to talk to at least one more lawyer though.
Post by starrieskies on Nov 13, 2012 17:52:30 GMT -5
Yes. A legal separation would require much of the same type of documentation that a divorce would, with a parenting plan, division of assets, etc, so many of my questions applied to both processes. Since much of the paperwork is the same or similar the cost to do so with this particular lawyer is the same as if I were to file for divorce, but the separation petition can be modified into a petition for divorce if we decide to go that route (for a fee, of course).
I'm pretty sure that H will not agree to a separation. He's very black and white, and I think it'll be an all or nothing thing for him. Divorce, or stay.
Post by fussbucket on Nov 13, 2012 17:58:56 GMT -5
Good for you, starrie. Deep breaths. You can do this, but you don't have to do it all at once or all in one day! Sounds like a good idea to get a second opinion before doing anything. Whatever you do, be prepared, especially for a bad reaction from your H.
Post by starrieskies on Nov 13, 2012 18:07:30 GMT -5
She said that since we are both on the mortgage, I can't legally force him out of the house by changing the locks. He has just as much of a right to be there as I do, unless I file the protection order and have him served before changing the locks.
She also suggested that it would probably be in my best interest to leave at least for a couple of days with DS to give H time to "cool off". She said that separating in itself is going to be a hard pill for H to swallow, and it could put us in a dangerous position.
Good for you, starrie. This is a huge step. It doesn't hurt to get a second opinion, just so you're sure that you're prepared.
How do you feel? I know that the mention of a (possible) protection order must have seemed shocking at first, but did it also help in a way? I mean did it help validate your feelings and confirm that his word is not "law"?
Post by starrieskies on Nov 13, 2012 18:34:11 GMT -5
I feel ok. Part validated, part stupid for not seeing the severity of what I've been dealing with, with a dash of HOLY SHIT!
Again, I find myself wishing that I'd made this appointment earlier in the morning. I wish I had more time to process everything in my head before going home tonight.