WWMMD - wedding gift related

[thatgirl2478]

Slightly different situation here ...

A bit of back story:
College friend is ALWAYS included in our group get together's (dinners held in the Chicagoland area with guest rooms offered up to those traveling from out of town). All events are planned 2 - 3 months in advance since it's a group of 6-9 of us. We try to get together 2-3 times a year. Every single time she says she'll go, then at the last minute backs out. However, for the parties that are thrown by a different group of all male friends, she's always ready to go even on short notice (those parties happen 2 times/year and are organized about 2 months before as well).

Friend just got married for the 2nd time. I, as well as a large number of other college friends, was not invited to the ceremony or reception but was invited to a 'post wedding reception party' that was adults only at a local (to her) bar. This friend was my MOH and stood up for many of the other college friends who were also not invited to the main event. In order to go to the 4 hr post party party we would have had to drive 6 hrs there, get a hotel and find a baby sitter (or leave DD w/ GMa & GPa), and then drive 6hrs back. We opted not to go.

Given the history & situation, do you bother with a gift or just send a 'Best Wishes/Congratulations' card?

I'm leaning toward just a card since it's become more and more obvious that she has very little desire to keep me / us in her life.

[limey]

If you only want to get a card, then just do that.

[Deleted]

I think a card is fine.

[takeonyou]

I would send a nice card.

[vanillacourage]

What she's done for/to other friends is irrelevant; all that matters is the relationship you directly have with her. In your case if you want to just get a card then do so; personally I'd probably try to find something in the $25 range to spend since you're saving a lot by not attending the party. I think it makes a statement to send a card with no gift so just make sure you're ok with that.

[Deleted]

Nov 13, 2012 14:49:37 GMT -5 vanillacourage said:

What she's done for/to other friends is irrelevant; all that matters is the relationship you directly have with her. In your case if you want to just get a card then do so; personally I'd probably try to find something in the $25 range to spend since you're saving a lot by not attending the party. I think it makes a statement to send a card with no gift so just make sure you're ok with that.

It's also kind of a statement to cancel on people at the last minute, not invite them to the wedding/reception and ony invite them to an after party in another city. for me, the card is the appropriate response. It's not like a $25 gift is going to change anything.

[ECB]

I too think a card is fine.

[takeonyou]

Nov 13, 2012 14:49:37 GMT -5 vanillacourage said:

What she's done for/to other friends is irrelevant; all that matters is the relationship you directly have with her. In your case if you want to just get a card then do so; personally I'd probably try to find something in the $25 range to spend since you're saving a lot by not attending the party. I think it makes a statement to send a card with no gift so just make sure you're ok with that.

I think asking "friends" to drive 12 hours round trip without an invite to the wedding and reception is a much larger statement.

[ECB]

Nov 13, 2012 14:59:47 GMT -5 @vicmo said:

I think her non-invite was rude, for sure, but it's up to you whether you want to respond in kind.

I don't see how her not sending a gift, though, is being rude.

[flopsy]

Another vote for card only.

However, if you think you'll agonize/feel guilty over having only sent a card, then a small gift card, like others have mentioned, can't hurt. But you don't NEED to include one.

[limey]

Nov 13, 2012 15:26:39 GMT -5 @vicmo said:

Nov 13, 2012 15:06:25 GMT -5 ECB said:

I don't see how her not sending a gift, though, is being rude.

It's not rude per se, but I think it's sending a message. If I am invited to a wedding (ok, a wedding and not just the pretend reception), I generally send a gift even if I don't go. If I don't send a gift, it's probably because I'm feeling pissy about something.

But she wasn't invited to the wedding. You'd really send a gift in this situation?

[mbcdefg]

I'd be willing to bet that, if she doesn't get a gift from you, that this is probably the last you'll hear from her.

I would just send a card.

[Deleted]

Nov 13, 2012 15:26:39 GMT -5 @vicmo said:

Nov 13, 2012 15:06:25 GMT -5 ECB said:

I don't see how her not sending a gift, though, is being rude.

It's not rude per se, but I think it's sending a message. If I am invited to a wedding (ok, a wedding and not just the pretend reception), I generally send a gift even if I don't go. If I don't send a gift, it's probably because I'm feeling pissy about something.

But she wasn't invited to the ceremony or reception. I think sending a best wishes card is a very nice gesture. Personally, I would go with a mental f-you (forget you)..lol

[limey]

If I had received an invitation to the wedding, I would have sent a gift. For the after-party, I think a card is fine.

[fbf2006]

I probably wouldn't even send a card. Not because i'm mad or anything, just because I don't understand your relationship. Are you two still friends? I mean, you don't have to talk every day or week but do you consider yourselves friends? She was your MOH so I'm assuming you were pretty close at some point and this just faded? I think it's weird to not have been invited to the wedding.

[noodleoo]

Nov 13, 2012 14:49:37 GMT -5 vanillacourage said:

What she's done for/to other friends is irrelevant; all that matters is the relationship you directly have with her. In your case if you want to just get a card then do so; personally I'd probably try to find something in the $25 range to spend since you're saving a lot by not attending the party. I think it makes a statement to send a card with no gift so just make sure you're ok with that.

The bolded part is a really dumb way to justify having to send a gift. No way I'd send a gift in this case. I think she made a pretty bold statement by not inviting you, so yeah, I'd just send a card or nothing.

[fbf2006]

Nov 13, 2012 15:38:17 GMT -5 @vicmo said:

Nov 13, 2012 15:33:27 GMT -5 limey said:

But she wasn't invited to the wedding. You'd really send a gift in this situation?

I don't know. Am I still actually friends with her? She was OP's MOH! Am I that mad about the reception thing, or would I have RSVP'd no to the wedding anyhow? Is $25 a big deal to me, financially speaking? If she hadn't invited me at all (even to the weird reception), would I have sent a gift?

ETA: Why do people give wedding gifts? Is it a reciprocal "thanks for inviting me, here is something in return"? Or is it "hey congrats my friend/relative, I love you, and therefore here is a gift"? Because you either put aside the anger about the crappy invite situation and give a gift to your friend who you care about, or you decide that she's a crappy friend who doesn't deserve a present. That's what I'm saying.

To me, she's not a friend. There's nothing in the original post that indicates she's a friend.

[thatgirl2478]

Nov 13, 2012 15:38:17 GMT -5 @vicmo said:

Nov 13, 2012 15:33:27 GMT -5 limey said:

But she wasn't invited to the wedding. You'd really send a gift in this situation?

I don't know. Am I still actually friends with her? She was OP's MOH! Am I that mad about the reception thing, or would I have RSVP'd no to the wedding anyhow? Is $25 a big deal to me, financially speaking? If she hadn't invited me at all (even to the weird reception), would I have sent a gift?

Bit of information - not really necessary but interesting.

The night before the wedding, we all went out to a local bar. The rest of my wedding party decided to go home around 11 since we had to be up early for hair appointments etc. She wanted to prove how much of a partier she was (showing off for my DH's best friend who was a groomsman) so she was drinking hard & shamelessly throwing herself at him. We kept trying to convince her to come home with us, but she insisted she'd be fine. My younger brother saw how upset I was and went back down there to drag her back home (her plan was to sleep in one of the grooms men's hotel room ...). Keep in mind that this was 10 years ago and we were 24/25 at the time.

I'm leaning toward a card too.

[fbf2006]

Nov 13, 2012 15:50:31 GMT -5 @vicmo said:

Nov 13, 2012 15:47:53 GMT -5 fbf2006 said:

To me, she's not a friend. There's nothing in the original post that indicates she's a friend.

She was the OP's MOH. She seems to be part of an overall group of friends. She WAS the OP's friend at some point. Is she now? That's more for OP to decide, right?

Yes, she was. Just reading the post, she doesn't seem to be one anymore.

[aurora]

It doesn't sound like you really like her all that much anymore, so I think a card is perfectly appropriate.

There are people for whom I would send a wedding gift even if I were not invited to their weddings, but generally it would be more people who are having very small intimate ceremonies and whom I am close to currently, not 10 years ago. For someone I was once good friends with but (most importantly) wasn't close to anymore, and (2) who invited me to an OOT after-party but not the ceremony or reception, I wouldn't feel guilty not sending the gift.

[mbcdefg]

Was it a destination wedding, or was it a wedding that you could've reasonably attended if you had been invited?

Was it a local but small wedding?

[thatgirl2478]

A) I do still LIKE her - but it's hard to be friends with someone who doesn't want to spend time with you... she's more of a FB friend now. During college and immediately after, we were VERY close friends.

B) It wasn't exactly local, but it was definitely a relatively easy to get to destination. We could have driven without any issue. Had I been invited, I would have gone.

C) It was small-ish but not SMALL. The first wedding was limited to immediate family & 1 friend due to the groom's mental health issues (problems with crowds etc) and finances. From what I understand the financial situation has changed and she and her new husband is very social. She doesn't have a lot of family and from what I can gather his is small too.