I have serious problems (Lurker, not AE)

[motzie]

Dude, do NOT quit your job. Why are you so quick to give up on that, but so resistant to ditching your pos husband? Keep the job so you can support yourself while you work on individual counseling and getting a much needed divorce.

[Deleted]

Get rid of him. He is not mentally ill. He is lying to you and using you and all of your convenient excuses. He doesn't want to go to therapy because someone is going to tell him he's not mentally ill and he's just a bad person. THAT is what he's afraid of hearing.

Keep your job for now and support yourself while you look for a new one after hours. Get. Out. You don't even sound like you like this guy... why are you married to him?

[partiallysunny]

Therapy. Right now.

I understand survival mode. You need to do what you must, but keeping your job, divorcing this asshole, and moving on with your life is still the best way to go.

[maucat]

Nov 13, 2012 23:59:09 GMT -5 motzie said:

Dude, do NOT quit your job. Why are you so quick to give up on that, but so resistant to ditching your pos husband? Keep the job so you can support yourself while you work on individual counseling and getting a much needed divorce.

Projection, that's why.

It's a lot easier to give up on a job than a marriage, especially when you believe you can fix your spouse.

TI, everything you're saying now is why I said you need to get into individual therapy. You cannot fix him. Honestly, you shouldn't even be trying to diagnose him. Stop making excuses for everyone else's poor behavior and taking the blame for decisions you had no part in.

Focus instead on the choices you do have control over, including a lying, cheating, manipulative husband and a job that works you to the bone for minimal pay because you allow it. You are not going to get a medal for putting up with all of this shit. The only rewards will come when you extricate yourself from this/these situation(s).

You deserve better than you're getting in your life right now. You deserve a faithful, trustworthy partner, someone who doesn't have to be trained to be that way. You deserve a job that you at least kinda like, preferably one you really like, where you're appropriately compensated for all your work. You deserve so much more than you're allowing yourself to have right now. The more time you spend in your current situations, the worse you'll feel and the harder it will be to make changes, plus that's less time you have to spend in healthy, rewarding situations.

Sent from my EVO using proboards

[starrieskies]

Wow, what a mess...

I can tell you that I know this is hard. I'm dealing with my own issues right now, and am probably not really well equipped to give advice here, but him telling you that he thinks he has mental issues and not doing anything about it? Really?

I think that part of you probably feels like this admission of guilt is a step in the right direction for him and that may be giving you hope. But trust me when I say this is FALSE HOPE! If he is truly feeling guilty as he says, he'd be doing everything in his power to make it right, and that includes getting the help that he says he needs! (I know, I know, pot, kettle, hi)

[aliciar6]

it took me a long time to realize what a jerk my XH really was, even after I left him and that also I was justifying staying with him because I didn't want to ruin his life and because of money...all kids of stupid reasons, but they boiled down to "I didn't have the guts for the longest time to do what was necessary: LEAVE"

guess what, you will be exponentially happier without him, and don't let his life and what he makes of it concern you.

There are no excuses, rationalization, nothing you have to come up with to leave him. but you deserve better than this.

I hope you find a good therapist to help you through this.

[temporarilyinsane]

I just want to thank you all so much for your kinds words, rational thoughts, and much needed ass kicking. And for those of you who have been through this process, thank you for sharing your success. It really is inspiring.

I know I have plenty of options in both situations and I intend to get well. I know my marriage is over, and I knew once I posted this (been thinking about it for months) I would see myself through the eyes of neutral third parties and be appropriately disgusted with myself and my decisions. I am obsessed with appearing perfect and that is what's holding me back. I can't live a sham just to avoid the upheaval and judgement that will come.

I will update when I can. Thank you again.

[Muddled]

Late to the party, I know, but I wanted to say this:

It's not about making his life worse. It's about making your life better.

[motzie]

Trust me that the judgement and upheaval won't be what you think it will. People will be supportive, you'll see. It won't be painless, but it will be well worth it.

[10nille]

Hopefully you aren't having sex with him. It is only a matter of time for him to tell you he just gave you at least one STD.
Keep your job, go to therapy, look for another job, but most important unload that lying POS. Get a good attorney. For the risk he has put you at he should pay dearly.
If you decide to resign you should absolutely make it clear that you are not responsible for the stupidity of a contractor going all balls out without proper authorization.

[kellbell191]

You need counseling and are showing a lot of symptoms of depression. Do not make any big life decisions until you get into counseling. Start looking for a new job too

[phdprocrastinator]

I know you said your are looking for a therapist for individual counseling. I definitely think you should do one-on-one therapy, but you might also look into Al-Anon or Adult Children of Alcoholics. It is entirely possible that you have learned a pattern of thinking and behavior that enables your husband. THIS DOES NOT MEAN YOU'RE AT FAULT, but it does mean that you will have to work to get over your rationalizations and to truly accept that you don't deserve to be treated this way.

Bonus: you can usually find a meeting that's happening soon. And it's free. You don't have to talk; you can just listen to others. www.al-anon.org/local-meetings

[lys]

Why would you even consider staying with this guy???
Get thee to a counselor ASAP - you need some serious help to get back on track.
Your self esteem is in the toilet.

Life can be and should be so much better than this.
You DO have the strength to move on, but a counselor can be a great help in making the transition and helping you think thru things in a healthy manner.

Good luck.